Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

" G ood morning," Hadrian greeted Lilly as she entered the breakfast room the next morning.

Once again, she was shocked but pleased to find him there. This was the first time he'd had breakfast with her since they'd arrived at Autumnwood Hall. Instead of the fashionable clothes he had worn in London, he wore a simple pair of buff trousers and a white linen shirt. He wore no cravat, and the first button was unfastened, revealing a small sliver of his broad chest. A lock of golden hair spilled over his forehead, and she longed to brush it away.

"Good morning," she finally managed, heat rising in her cheeks as she thought of last night, of the way he had buried his face between her thighs… She had never even imagined such a thing was possible, let alone that it could feel so… amazing.

She had barely slept, reliving each moment, torn between guilt and excitement.

She moved toward the end of the table, but before she reached it, he patted the chair next to his. "Let's not sit on opposite ends of the table," he said with a smile. "It's just the two of us, and I want to talk to you."

She slowed and turned, the pleasure within her growing by the moment. She couldn't help but remember the pleasant evening they'd shared last night, not just the drugging kisses and caresses but the conversation and camaraderie. And now he wanted to spend more time with her? Her foolish heart gave a lurch of happiness.

After she had taken the chair beside him, he reached across the table and squeezed her hand. "I hope you're not regretting what happened between us last night. Despite how it came about, you are my wife. Whatever we do together is nobody's business but our own."

She squeezed his hand in return, loving the warmth of his fingers intertwined with hers. "The only thing I regret is that you didn't show me how to pleasure you in return," she said daringly, deciding that she would gain no ground by being a shrinking violet. He was her husband, and she had a limited time to seduce him. She had a pretty good idea of what she wanted to try, but she was afraid of shocking him, of making him think she'd had experience in such things.

Although why should he care? He'd certainly had enough experience for them both. Why were men and women judged so differently?

"There will be time for that," he assured her, his voice rough with what she hoped was desire. "I wanted last night to be all about you." He trailed his fingers across her palm, then released her hand, sitting back in his chair. "I thought that we should spend the day together. Would you like to go exploring and then spend some time down by the river? I can have Cook pack us a picnic."

Some of her best memories had been created at their special spot on the banks of the babbling brook that separated Autumnwood Hall from her family's estate. They had gone there a thousand times, swimming, fishing, climbing trees, and talking about everything under the sun.

"Truly?" she breathed. "I'd love that, Hadrian."

He grinned and gestured to the sideboard behind her, loaded with various breakfast items. "Then fill up your plate so we can get going."

She did as he requested, and throughout breakfast, he regaled her with stories of his life in London. She listened attentively, but the tales he painted, though they sounded exciting, also seemed empty and hedonistic to the extreme. How long could he continue such a life without coming to a bad end? She hoped that this time spent with her in the country would show him there was a different way to live, remind him of their youth when they'd been so content roaming the woods and fields.

At last, they finished eating, and she trailed him out to the stables, where he led her to a lovely bay mare. "This is Calliope," he told her, stroking the horse's silky neck. "I think she will make a fine mount for you. She is yours if you want her."

She gazed deeply into Calliope's dark eyes, feeling an immediate connection. "Oh, you beautiful girl," she murmured, pressing her face against the beast's neck. She turned her gaze back to Hadrian. "Thank you. It has been so long since I had a horse of my own." Since her father had died, and she had been trapped in London.

"I remembered how much you loved to ride," he said simply.

Tears of happiness stung her eyes as he helped her up in the saddle himself instead of waiting for the groom. His touch lingered on her longer than necessary, and a strange tingling settled deep inside her. She loved having him touch her and hoped that the day ahead of them led to more of it.

As they rode out of the stables, she breathed deeply. The air was crisp and clean, carrying the scent of fallen leaves and the sweet aroma of the apple orchard nearby. The sky was a brilliant blue, dotted with fluffy white clouds. The countryside was alive with vibrant yellows, reds, and oranges.

She tilted her face toward the sky, enjoying the fleeting warmth of autumn on her skin. Glancing over, she saw Hadrian doing the same thing, and a wide grin split her face. "It feels good, doesn't it?"

"It does," he said, holding her gaze. "It really does. I have been spending most of my time outside since we arrived. I didn't know how much I'd missed this. I feel healthier… happier… than I have in ages."

Her heart swelled with joy. It was all so perfect: her new horse moving effortlessly beneath her, her best friend by her side. She felt as though she had somehow fallen into a dream, and she very much feared she might wake up from it at any moment. But until she did… Well, she intended to make the most of it.

They spent the next few hours riding around the estate, visiting the old ruins where the original Blackthorn keep had once stood and picking apples in the orchard. Through it all, the conversation flowed between them, and to her surprise, he actually seemed to be taking an interest in the workings of the estate. She even saw him take a small notebook out of his pocket and scribble some notes a few times.

To their surprise, they realized it was late afternoon, and they were starving. They decided it was time they headed to their old spot along the river. When they arrived, Hadrian dismounted first and helped her down from her horse. He held her in his arms a few moments longer than was necessary, and she pressed her face against his chest, enjoying the brief embrace.

Together, they made their way to the stream's edge, letting their horses drink before securing them a little ways away.

When they were done, Hadrian took the picnic blanket out of the blanket and spread it out on the grassy bank, then broke out the picnic basket. They chatted about their day as they feasted on slices of ham and cheese, the apples they'd picked, and some apple cider that had been made on the estate.

Replete, they packed the basket back up and sat down beside each other, their shoulders nearly touching. A comfortable silence fell between them as they enjoyed being in the place that had once meant so much to them. The sound of the stream and chirping birds made her feel so peaceful.

After a long while, he said, "I haven't been here since the day I told you my father was sending me away."

She inched closer, a wave of melancholy engulfing her. "Really? I came here almost daily after you left, hoping against hope that you'd return." How many tears had she shed here? How long had she waited before she realized that he had moved on and forgotten her?

He leaned back on his palms, stretched his long legs out in front of him, and sighed deeply. "When I asked you to run away with me that day, I wasn't joking. I wanted to escape it all so badly. I thought you would be on my side, tell me that my feelings made perfect sense. When you told me I needed to do my duty, I was angry."

His admission stunned her. She barely remembered that long-ago conversation. "I don't remember saying that," she managed. "All I remember was that I was heartbroken that you were leaving me."

He gave a dismissive wave of his hand. "I've been thinking about it a lot during the past few days. Being here… my mind is clear in a way it hasn't been in some time. I realize now that you were far more mature than I was. You said you'd wait for me, but I only heard that you didn't understand me." He laughed raggedly. "And until that point, you'd always been the only one who ever did."

"You were in pain," she murmured. "I thought you were just angry. I didn't realize I was the cause of your hurt. I wanted so desperately to ease your suffering." Her voice trembled with the weight of her regret.

He lifted his hand and brushed the back of his knuckles against her cheek, his eyes filled with remorse. "I see that now. Can you ever forgive me for running away from you? For not coming back here like I told you I would?"

"There's nothing to forgive," she told him softly, leaning into his gentle caress. "You were grieving George, overwhelmed with all the new responsibilities."

"You're too good to me, darling," he replied, his green eyes haunted. "I know I have been a fool. My inane rebellion has been so legendary that the Brazen Belle has commented upon it for all the world to see."

"But that's what you want, isn't it?" she asked haltingly. "You want to continue living like that, don't you?"

"I thought so," he said, shaking his head. "But these last few days… being here again, with you… I don't know what I want anymore. But it feels good to wake up clear-headed. To go to bed at a decent time and breathe the sea air instead of smoke and pollution. To spend my days with someone who actually cares about me."

She swallowed, wondering if he was truly considering giving up his rakish ways. If he was, could they have a marriage in truth? She feared that she was spinning fantasies that could never come true. But oh, how she wished that what they had found together the last few days could continue.

Gathering her courage, she stretched out beside him, mirroring his pose so closely that their elbows touched. "Would it be so bad to be with the same woman for the rest of your life?" she asked quietly. "Why don't you want to make love to me, Hadrian? What's wrong with me?"

He opened his eyes and turned on his side, running his fingertips lightly from her forehead to her cheek. "Nothing is wrong with you, Lilly," he whispered, his voice filled with affection and desire. "It's not you; it's me. I've always thought I could only be happy with constant excitement and new experiences, but perhaps that's only because I never believed anyone could stand being with me for more than a night or two. But last night was so beautiful… I want to change. I want to be better for you."

She reached up and gently cupped his cheek, a lump forming in her throat. "You don't have to be anything for me, Hadrian. I love you just the way you are."

"You love me?" He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers, a tender, intimate kiss that spoke volumes. She had never seen such raw vulnerability in him, and her heart swelled with love and protectiveness.

"I've always loved you, you idiot," she chided softly. "I think you know that. I think that's why you left and never came back."

He pressed his forehead against hers, his breath mingling with hers. "I don't deserve it," he whispered. "I've never deserved it."

"I think I'm the only one who can decide that," she told him archly, her heart pounding in her chest. She hadn't meant to show her hand so quickly, but she didn't want to play games. She wanted him to know how much he meant to her, even if it drove him away for good.

Hadrian hesitated momentarily, his eyes searching her face as if trying to discern the truth behind her words. His expression was a mixture of hope and fear, and Lilly knew she was risking everything by laying herself bare like this.

"What if I can't be the man you need, Lilly?" he whispered, his voice filled with trepidation. "What if I can't change? What if I can't make you happy?"

Lilly smiled softly, brushing a lock of hair behind his ear. "You already have, Hadrian. I had nearly given up on having a life of my own, of being out from beneath my mother's thumb. You've given me that, if nothing else. But I hope you know that I will always be here to support you, to help you be the man you want to be, the man I know you can be."

Hadrian's eyes softened, and he leaned closer. Their faces were mere inches apart, the warmth of his breath hot on her skin.

Hadrian's fingers cupped her cheek, his thumb tracing the line of her jaw. "You're so beautiful, Lilly," he whispered, his eyes locked on hers. "I could look at you forever."

Forever.

Lilly's breath hitched as his words sent a wave of desire coursing through her. Still holding her gaze, he pressed his lips to hers, chastely at first, but then he deepened the kiss, exploring her mouth as though he had all the time in the world.

She closed her eyes, surrendering to him completely, getting lost in the taste of him. She could almost believe that they were truly married, that he actually wanted to be here with her. That they had a chance at forever.

At last, he drew away, and it was all she could do to keep from reaching for him again.

He gave a breathless laugh and brushed his fingertips across her cheek. "I love kissing you, Lilly."

"I love kissing you too." She wished he would kiss her again. She wished that he would finally make love to her.

As Hadrian lay there with Lilly, with his wife , he knew that whatever lay ahead of them, they would face it together. And for the first time in his life, he wasn't afraid to think about the future.

He pulled her tightly against him, then whispered into her hair, "Be patient with me, Lilly. All of this is so new to me. But I am going to try to be the man you deserve."

"That's all I can ask," she replied, her voice choked with tears. "That's all I've ever wanted."

A shiver wracked her slim body, and he realized that they had been lying there for some time, so long that the sun was starting to set, painting the sky with hues of pink and purple.

"It's getting cold, and it will be dark soon," he murmured, pushing himself to a sitting position. "We should head back."

She sighed and sat up as well, drawing her knees to her chest. "You're right." But he could sense her pulling away from him emotionally. Was she regretting telling him how she felt? Was she sad that he hadn't told her that he felt the same?

He very much feared that he did, but it was all too new. He didn't want to say something he'd regret later. He needed a little more time.

He trailed his fingertips across her shoulder and then tilted her chin to meet her eyes. "When we get back, I'll have a hot bath brought up for you, and then we'll have dinner together if you like."

A soft smile curved her lips. "That would be lovely."

He took a deep breath, deciding to be even more vulnerable. "I loved waking up with you in my arms when we were on the road. Would you consider sharing my bed tonight?" He'd like to think he could hold her in his arms all night without wanting more, but he wasn't that strong, not now that he'd had a taste of her. He knew what he was asking, what it would mean for them, and he was pretty sure she did, too.

The last of the shadows left her eyes, and he knew he had finally said the right thing. "I would like that very much."