Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

L illy had just settled into the big, overstuffed chair in her favorite corner of the library, snuggled beneath a soft, knitted blanket, and opened a scandalous romance novel when the door opened. She glanced up, absolutely stunned to find Hadrian there. Although he had mentioned meeting her here this evening, his quick retreat from the village had seemed to indicate he had changed his mind.

He shifted from foot to foot, looking uncharacteristically uncertain. "Do you mind if I join you?" he said at last.

"Of course not," she said warmly. "I was hoping you still would."

He raised a brow at that, as though doubtful, but wandered over to the nearest bookcase, perusing the volumes on the shelf that was eye-level for him, a shelf she would have had to wheel the large ladder to in order to see the titles. Obviously not finding anything to his liking, he moved on to the next one. She tore her gaze away from him and tried to concentrate on the words in front of her, but her entire being was focused on his slow circuit of the room.

After a long while, he finally chose something and crossed back toward her, settling on the sofa beside her. Leaning back, he crossed his legs and opened the book. She smiled when she saw it was a tomb on estate management.

"Were you expecting me to grab a lurid novel?" he asked with a smile.

She shrugged, holding up her own lurid novel. "There's nothing wrong with a bit of escapism now and then."

He frowned, then reached out and squeezed her hand. "I want you to have the kind of life you won't need to escape from," he told her softly.

Her heart pounded so loudly she feared he could hear it. How she wished she could believe him. Their gazes caught and held, and for a moment, the attraction simmering between them overwhelmed her. She wanted nothing more than to close the distance between them, press her lips to his, and once again feel the magic that had flared between them the day she had accepted his proposal.

The heat in his eyes made her certain that he felt it too, but then she remembered that he was a rake who had slaked his lust on dozens of women. If she gave in to this, it would leave her even more heartbroken when he inevitably went back to his life of sin and vice.

Her thoughts must have shown in her own eyes because he sighed, letting his fingertips trail over her hand before letting her go. "I enjoyed watching you with the tenants this afternoon," he said, turning his gaze back to his book. "I hate that the village has been allowed to fall into such disrepair. I spoke to the estate manager when I got back and told him that the repairs must be made. He said it will cut into the estate's profits, as though that was a good reason to let people suffer." He gave a soft laugh. "My father might regret having insisted I get involved when he sees how much it will cost, but it felt good to know that I was actually taking care of those people."

"Oh, Hadrian, I'm so proud of you," she said softly, wondering if he truly was having a change of heart about his commitment to maintaining his hedonistic lifestyle. Was that why he hadn't returned to London yet?

He stilled, looking stunned. "I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before." He cleared his throat. "I am starting to see that I cannot run away from it forever. I have spent far too much time thinking that I deserved to have my fun, that my future as the duke was still far in the future, but today... Those people made me realize that it isn't just my own family I'll let down if I don't step into the role I'm meant to play, but countless other people as well."

"You'll do fine if you just apply yourself," she assured him. "And becoming the duke doesn't mean you'll have to give up your favorite pastimes. You can still have fun once you are the duke. Besides, I will be by your side, helping you. We are a team now, right?"

He gave her a hesitant smile. "That's true. Perhaps the smartest thing I ever did was decide to make you my future duchess."

Heat rose in her cheeks, and she glanced back at her book, unable to look at him any longer. He was like the sun, dazzling and almost painful to look at.

Silence fell between them, but a glance in his direction showed her that he seemed engrossed in the subject matter. She was reminded of when they'd been young and often read together on this very sofa, stopping often to discuss the things they'd learned. How could she recapture that? How could she become a partner to him in truth, show him that marriage didn't have to be the trap he had feared? Sitting here with him, the fireplace crackling merrily to keep away the chill, made her foolishly envision many nights like this, quiet and homey, just enjoying each other's company.

He's leaving soon. Don't be a fool!

But because of that, she was even more determined to make the most of their time together. Why shouldn't she have more dizzying kisses? They were married, and far too soon, he would be giving them to someone else. Her heart contracted at the thought of it, but this was the bargain she had made. She would never have the opportunity to find passion with anyone else, so why shouldn't she avail herself of it now? Her heart would be broken either way.

Feeling more daring than she had in an eternity, more like the Lilly she once was, she cleared her throat and put her book aside. "Are there ways to know passion that don't involve having children?" she asked, all in a rush. He looked up at her, obviously stunned, and she rushed to say, "Such as kissing? That doesn't lead to babies, and I very much enjoyed it when we kissed before."

He swallowed and tossed his book aside as well. "I enjoyed it as well," he managed. "But I don't think you truly understand what you're asking."

Irritation surged within her. "Don't treat me like a child, Hadrian. I'm a grown woman. A married woman, thanks to you. If I don't explore passion with you, then who shall teach me? Do you want me to take a lover?"

His eyes flared with something she could only interpret as jealousy. "No!"

She arched a brow, a little thrill running through her, though his attitude was definitely unfair. "Yet you plan to return to London and have as many mistresses as you want. That's the entire reason you married me, isn't it? So, if you don't intend ever to show me what it's like to know pleasure, why shouldn't I do the same?"

He swallowed, obviously trying to rein in some strong emotion. "I am not planning to return to London. At least, not anytime soon."

"Really?" Her heart gave a surge of joy, but she cautioned herself not to read too much into it. She had no idea how long he meant to stay or what this meant for her, but she was even more determined to take what happiness she could from the time she had with him.

He ran a hand through his golden hair, looking very uncomfortable. "Like I said, perhaps it's time for me to take on a bit more responsibility and learn about what it means to be a duke."

"You still haven't answered my question," she reminded him.

"What question?" he asked, playing dumb, because she was certain he knew exactly what she was talking about.

She moved toward him a few inches, and his breathing intensified, which made hers speed up as well. "Are there other things we could do? Things that wouldn't cause a baby?"

"Why don't we want a baby?" he asked, sounding confused.

She shrugged, getting exasperated all over again. "You're the one who doesn't want a child."

He held her gaze, looking furtive. "Maybe I've changed my mind. I liked seeing you with that little girl today."

She shook her head, suddenly feeling uneasy. Something was wrong. He had been acting strangely ever since their wedding day.

But before she could examine it further, he leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers. She gasped into the kiss, all other thoughts flying out the window. Yes. She didn't care about his reasoning. All she wanted was to be in his arms again.

Time seemed to stop as she lost herself in his taste. He kissed her as though he had all the time in the world, as though he enjoyed it just as much as she did. He cupped her face and ran his fingertips through her hair, his touch so gentle and tender it nearly brought tears to her eyes.

After a long while, he trailed his lips down her throat with a small growl. "I can make you feel so good, Lilly. Do you trust me?"

"Of course," she replied, even though she wasn't certain that was still true. She hated that he was making her doubt him but that didn't change the fact that she still wanted to enjoy every little scrap of passion he was willing to give her.

Holding her gaze, he slipped the sleeve of her modest day gown off one shoulder. "Can I undress you? You don't know how badly I've wanted to see you."

Nervousness swelled within her, but she gave a jerky nod.

He pulled her to her feet, and with hands that were far too practiced, he slowly divested her of first her gown and then her underthings, until she stood before him completely naked. She had never felt so vulnerable.

His gaze skimmed her from head to toe as uncertainty filled her. Would he like what he saw, or would she pale in comparison to all the others who had come before her?

"You are breathtaking," he said, his tone so sincere that she could not help but believe him. "God, Lilly. Look at you."

He stepped closer, trailing his fingertips over the swell of her breasts and then the curve of her hips. Heat pooled within her as he continued to explore her body with a reverence that sent shivers down her spine. She had worried he wouldn't like the way she looked, but it was as if he was seeing her for the first time, truly seeing her in a way that made her feel beautiful and desired in a way she hadn't before. The self-esteem her mother had trampled into the ground grew the tiniest little green shoot.

Her breath hitched as his touch ignited a fire within her, and she craved more of his closeness. His hands moved with a purpose, tracing patterns across her skin that made her tremble with anticipation. With each caress, she felt herself unraveling, surrendering to the desires that had been simmering beneath the surface since the moment he had waltzed back into her life.

When his lips found hers once more, his hunger matched her own. The kiss was fervent, desperate, as if they were trying to convey all the unspoken words between them through the meeting of their mouths.

The rules of their marriage agreement no longer mattered. Sweet passion bound them together, drawing them into a fierce dance of desire and need. As their bodies melded together perfectly, she felt a sense of completeness wash over her, as if this was where she was always meant to be. It had always been Hadrian, and even if he walked away from her once again, she would still have these moments of intimacy.

His hands roamed over her heated skin, igniting sparks of pleasure that raced through her veins. Every touch, every caress fueled the flames of longing that blazed between them, erasing any doubts or hesitations she had harbored.

She arched into his touch, a silent plea for more, for everything he was willing to give her. And he responded in kind, worshipping her body with a fervor that stole her breath away.

He guided her back to the sofa, and she was shocked when he sank to his knees on the floor before her, his body between her wantonly spread bare thighs.

Suddenly achingly self-conscious, she grabbed his shoulders, realizing he was still completely clothed. "What are you doing?"

"Making you feel good," he murmured, his handsome face drawn tight with passion, his green eyes boring into hers. "Let me, Lilly. Please."

She nodded weakly and leaned back, splayed before him like some kind of virgin sacrifice, her heart beating so loudly she felt certain he could hear it.

He kissed her inner thighs reverently, slowly closing the distance between them until his fingers were pressed against the apex of her legs, her needy womanhood.

"You're so sweet," he murmured, pressing one finger inside her, making her cry out with pleasure and also a bit of alarm. What was he doing? "So wet for me, darling. God, I want to taste you." And with that, his mouth pressed against her, kissing her in a way that Eliza certainly hadn't told her about as his finger continued to slide in and out of her.

She moaned, her hands twitching restlessly in the air. His tongue traced gently over her most intimate flesh, making her cry out in surprise. Her body arched toward him as if drawn by some primitive need, her hips bucking in rhythm with the pleasure he was giving her.

"Oh, Hadrian," she whispered, her voice shaking with emotion. "Please." She didn't even know what she was asking for, but she trusted him to give it to her. This was what he was known for, wasn't it?

His fingers were playing her like an instrument, coaxing new notes of ecstasy from her, each new touch more delightful than the one before. He sucked her in, drawing her onto his tongue, his lips pressing down on her as if he couldn't bear to let her go.

She trembled, clutching handfuls of his silky hair, her entire being centered on that place between her legs. His finger was still inside her, first one and then two, and his mouth continued to work its magic on that spot she had never even known existed.

She felt as though she was hurtling toward something, a feeling that would change everything if only she could reach it. Then something seemed to break deep within her, and she cried out his name, arching up against him as wave after wave of pleasure washed over her.

For a moment, time seemed to stand still, and she lay there panting, her heart pounding in her chest. Hadrian held her close, his warm breath warm on her sensitive skin, his heart beating against her hip. So, this was what all the fuss was about. No wonder people were willing to risk everything for such a feeling.

Finally, she was able to pull herself together, even though the experience had shaken her—mind, body, and soul. She sat up slowly, still feeling the aftershocks of her very first climax. Her eyes met his, and she saw that he looked just as rattled as she was.

"Are you all right?" he asked roughly, as though he, too, needed to get himself under control. "Was that what you wanted?"

She pressed her arm over her eyes, too overcome to look at him. "It was more than I ever expected," she answered honestly.

"Good," he murmured, leaning forward to press his lips tenderly to hers. To her shock, she could taste herself on him. "I'll see you in the morning, darling."

Then, to her dismay, he left her there, giving her no chance to reciprocate. Innocent as she was, even she knew that wasn't the way of things, that he had somehow deprived himself of his own pleasure. Did he not think her capable of pleasuring him? The thought turned her heated satisfaction to ice.

Hadrian fled the library as though the hounds of hell were on his heels, needing to put as much distance between him and Lilly as humanly possible. God, she had been exquisite. Feeling her shatter against his tongue, hearing the sweet mewling noises she had made as she had reached her climax… It had been the sweetest thing he had ever known.

He took the stairs two at a time and locked himself in his room, stripping off his trousers and falling across his bed with his hand wrapped around his cock. He knew now that he had generally been a selfish lover. His previous lovers were either prostitutes who didn't expect anything from him or wealthy wives or mistresses who took just as much as they gave. He didn't think he had ever before pleasured someone without any regard to his own satisfaction, and the experience had been surprisingly beautiful. He cared about Lilly and wanted to make her happy. That had made all the difference.

Fisting himself tightly, he relived the sensation of her body beneath him, the sweet taste of her still on his lips. He would do anything for her now, but he could not shake the thought that this was a dangerous road. He knew what would happen if they continued down this path. The feelings would only grow stronger until the desire to be with her consumed him. He was already falling for her and could not bear losing her.

A savage cry escaped him, his body arching off the bed, his hand tightening around his cock, his eyes screwed shut as he came harder than he could ever remember.

He had never been as attracted to anyone as he was to Lilly.

His wife .

Tasting her sweetness had been a mistake. An unforgivable error in judgment.

But the last thing he had expected was for her to ask him to pleasure her. How could he have resisted showing her how good it could be between them?

How had he gotten himself into such a terrible mess?

If he made love to her, she might become pregnant, which would please his father and give him his old life back. But if she ever found out that he had done it because his father had decreed it, she would never forgive him, and he would lose her forever.