4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Y esterday, I woke up still lying on the forest floor. I was lucky no monsters ate me as I slept. Wisp had been gone when I awoke to the sounds of guards stomping toward me. They took me back to the castle. My father had waited at the entrance of the gate and stared at me with disappointment. But he said nothing before turning and walking away.

Exhaustion had kept me in bed all day yesterday. I couldn’t stay hidden in my room forever, so I planned to ask my father for something to do.

I slipped on my cloak and boots. I stared at the viper-handled dagger, and flashes of Cassius’ face popped into my mind. I tucked the blade into my boot and headed upstairs. My father had not come to check on me. I hadn't left my room since our fight. I felt shame every time I thought of my father’s disappointed face.

My darkness tried its best to shield me from my sadness, but it never truly went away. I was feeling particularly down today after another night of dreaming about Cassius. All the smiles, kisses, looks, and hugs made me feel ill when I saw them in my dreams. None of it had been real. Did he feel disgusted at having to pretend to like me? I swallowed the lump of emotion down and refused to think like that.

I tried to seek him out through the bond and my dreams during the first few nights in Cerithia, but he was silent. Even my loud sobs and pleading did not get a response. I’m sure he was ignoring me and taking pride in the fact that I was weak and vulnerable.

My eyes burned with tears that wanted to fall down my face. But deep inside, I knew that I didn’t want to feel this anymore. He had killed me. He had cursed me to have no memories. I begged for an answer to his betrayal, only to be met with silence. I needed to forget about him. That was why I was out of my room today. I needed something to do.

I paused on the way to my father’s throne room. The queen and my sisters were dressed over the top as they headed for the front doors. Quickly, I headed for them.

“Good morning, queen, Tally, Mae.”

The queen was startled when she looked over my marked skin and black eyes.

“Oh, it’s you.” Her face was passive, but my sisters looked as though they would catch a disease from me.

“I wanted to apologize for my behavior.”

They said nothing back to me. I waited an awkward amount of time but realized they weren’t planning on saying anything back.

“Are you going somewhere?” I asked.

The queen raised her pale brow at my question. “Yes, we are hosting a luncheon with the noble women in the city.”

“Perhaps I could go? I would change, of course.” I tried to sound as genuine as I could. I found it difficult to be this close to Gwyn. My darkness hummed as we watched her. It wanted to punish her for her nasty words about me. Crimson whore.

“You weren’t invited,” the queen scoffed.

“But isn’t it your luncheon?”

“Yes, your point being?” She didn’t hide her irritation at my question.

“I just mean that it’s your luncheon, so you could invite me to go.”

It was clear my stepmother and sisters didn’t like my presence. I wanted to try to fix my mistakes for the sake of my father, but I had no real desire to have a relationship with these three cruel women.

“Keep your distance from me and my children,” she spoke with venom.

The queen lifted the skirt of her light blue gown and walked through the doors without saying another word. My half-sisters let out soft chuckles as they followed. I just watched them climb into the carriage. Instead of feeling hurt or angry, my darkness was happy at the sight of Gwyn’s discomfort.

After a moment, I turned away from the doors and went to find my father. My family’s distance these past few weeks was intentional. They didn’t seem to care that I was here, even though I had hoped that maybe they would understand how confused and devastated I had been over all of this. I had hoped they would give me grace as I tried to figure things out.

I stopped at the throne room that my father worked in and knocked. Glancing over the large wooden carving that had haunted my dreams while I was in Exile, I felt dread now, just as I had then.

“What?” he snapped, letting me know I could enter.

I opened the door and poked my head in. His green eyes narrowed on my face before surprise took over his features.

“Thea,” he sighed, irritated. My chest tightened as I entered the room. A deep sinking feeling consumed me every time I came in here. I wasn’t sure if it was a forgotten memory or if it was because I dreamt of this room while in Exile.

My father stood in his fancy blue robes with his arms crossed, glaring down at me like I was more of a burden than his child. I knew I had messed up, but I felt that I was not the only one to blame for everything.

“I was thinking I could do something here, like a job or something.”

My father turned, sitting down on his large, hideous silver throne. It was overdone and gaudy, with large jewels and accents of gold all over it. The tackiness extended to the rest of the area, with the signature color of Cerithia, light blue, hanging on the tapestries around the overly extravagant room. His large crown never seemed to be off his head when I saw him. His eyes looked over me for a long moment.

“You are still considered the captain of my guard.”

“Yes, I know,” I frowned. “I thought maybe I could do whatever it is that Tally and Mae do as daughters of the king.”

He quirked his eyebrow up at me like he hadn’t even thought about it. My heart pounded as I waited under his pointed stare. It felt odd that even as his daughter, he didn’t consider me to do what my half-sisters did. Royalty or not, I should still be considered family.

“They are royal. You are not.” He shook his head. “You still need to pay your debt to us for what you put us through.”

My shoulders deflated at his words. I was sick of being here with no purpose, and if I didn’t get something to do soon, I would lose my mind completely.

“But you said I was your daughter, that I had a spot here, in my home. It seems like I do not belong here in any capacity.”

Something I couldn’t decipher crossed his features. His already rigid posture stiffened even more at my words. He didn’t like that I had used his own words against him.

“We have a celebration tomorrow night. You can possibly attend if you wish, but you must behave yourself. If you pull anything like you did last time, you will never attend another family function.”

I nodded, but I didn’t feel any excitement. It felt like he was forced to ask me instead of thinking of me. I was an afterthought. My stomach clenched tightly in disappointment.

I gave a small fake smile and turned to leave.

“Thea,” my father called out to me. “You are the captain of my guard, and you will continue those duties. War will fall upon the kingdoms in the near future, and you are the key to winning. You will be expected to take down Crimson and kill Cassius. It is the only way to gain a place here.”

“Or you could tell everyone that I chose to come here to fight for my family and Cerithia. Surely that would suffice until war came. Your approval of my return could help me acclimate.”

He didn’t respond.

I nodded slightly and headed for the door before pausing.

“Does my mother live in Cerithia?”

He stood so immediately at my question that I stepped back away from him.

“She’s dead, and we do not speak of her.” But he had spoken of her the other day in the gardens.

“B-but…”

“But nothing!” he bellowed before he seemed to realize he was yelling at me. “Your mother betrayed me, Thea. I do not wish to speak of her. She is dead, and I never want to hear you speak of her again. She is a traitor to Cerithia. Like mother, like daughter, I suppose.”

I flinched at his cruel words, but my darkness surged forward, wanting to hurt him. It took all of my focus not to let it out. My fingernails dug into my palms so painfully that I wondered if I had drawn blood again.

I wanted to ask more questions. Didn’t I deserve to know about my mother? What had she done to betray my father and Cerithia? I didn’t even know her name. I didn’t know if she was married to my father or if I had another family from her side. My father’s hands fisted as he waited for me to either ask a question or drop the subject matter entirely. I nodded.

“I’m going to the city to try and help my memories come back.”

“That isn’t a good idea.”

“Why am I being treated like a prisoner?” I glared. My father obviously realized I was not going to keep being pushed to the side.

“You did a lot of damage with your outburst at the party. I do not think the other fae want to see you.”

I deflated at his words.

“Fine.”

“You can start training the men if you wish.”

I nodded and headed upstairs to change.

★★?★★

I walked onto the training field that was behind the castle and looked over at the men waiting. Dozens upon dozens of them stood watching me in their blue uniforms. I tugged at my blue uniform and sighed heavily as the weight of everything settled on my shoulders. My eyes had become even more black than they had been before, but surprisingly, most of these men did not stare in disgust or malice.

I walked to the front of them and looked over their faces. They looked at me with respect, and that caught me off guard. All of them saluted me.

“Who has been in charge since I…went missing?” I asked.

A man stepped forward. He was tall, muscular, good-looking, and heavily tattooed.

“Me, Captain.” He bowed his bald head to me. His dark skin glistened with sweat as he stood up.

“Your name?”

“Jeb,” he said, looking up at me with his dark eyes. “I did my best to continue how you trained us. I hope it is to your satisfaction.”

“Thank you, Jeb. You will lead today so that I can get acclimated to this role again.” Honestly, I had no idea what I was doing. Cassius’ words from the day I went to get the witch’s bloodstone popped into my mind. You are a great warrior, Thea. Even without your magic, you are clever, smart, tactical, and strong. You are the best captain of any guard the realm has ever seen—a true leader. You just need to believe that about yourself.

Even if his words weren’t true, they comforted me as I stood there, clueless.

“It would be my honor.” He bowed again and came to stand next to me. “Men, let’s impress the captain today with our fighting skills.”

I watched as the men instantly fell into their places and immediately obeyed. I walked around with Jeb and watched them practice their hand-to-hand combat. I realized that no one used magic.

“Who here has elite magic?” I asked Jeb. His eyes widened at my question, and he looked around before leaning closer.

“Only you. All the other elite magic holders disappeared when you did.” My brain spun at his words—all of them?

“Okay, who has any magic?” I looked up when I noticed the men had stopped fighting at my question. Obviously, this was a touchy subject. “Who?” I demanded.

“I–I’m not sure,” Jeb stuttered. He was clearly flustered by this simple question. It made me want to push the topic further. Why was everyone acting strangely about magic?

“Very well.” I turned to the men. “If you have magic, step to this side of the field.” I pointed to my left. “Those without magic will be on the opposite side.”

The men looked at me without moving. Then they really pissed me off when they looked at Jeb.

“He’s not your fucking captain anymore, so I suggest you start moving your asses!”

That was all the encouragement they needed. The men scattered quickly until only about a dozen stood on my left. But as my eyes caught sight of a familiar face within them, I paused. Leer was trying to hide behind the other fae, but he stuck out too much. He was taller by at least a foot, and I could never forget him.

“Jeb, continue working hand-to-hand with the men who hold no magic,” I ordered.

“B-but.”

I turned to him quickly and stared at him.

“I didn’t ask for your opinion. Do it now.”

Jeb clenched his jaw and turned to follow my order. Slowly, I walked to the men with magic and watched Leer practically shake from fear. My darkness hummed at the sight of him, quivering like a coward in front of us. Cerithia men were not allowed to compete in the trials, so how did he? My brows knitted together as I realized Leer had to have known who I was before he forfeited. Was he sent by my father? If he was, why did he apologize?

“In a line,” I said.

They listened immediately.

“I want to know what magic each of you has.”

I walked down the line, listening to them each speak out their magic, all common. Light manipulation, nature magic, water manipulation—none of it elite. Then I stood in front of Leer, who was last. He stared at me like I would call him out, but something told me not to.

“And you, soldier, what do you have?”

His bushy brows furrowed as he stared at me for a confusing moment. I noticed the sigh of relief he let out.

“Nature magic, specifically plant roots.”

“Alright, I will start with you.” I pointed to Leer and told the rest to join the others.

My eyes narrowed on Leer as soon as it was only the two of us. His light hair was still in a long braid down his back, but his eyes didn’t hold hatred for me like they had at the trials. He also had a scar that ran across his face that wasn’t there before. His blue eyes looked over me with fear. Leer looked exhausted.

“Leer.”

“Captain,” he bowed respectfully.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I looked around, but no one paid much attention to us, besides Jeb, who seemed to watch me more than he needed to.

“I live in Cerithia,” he whispered as he looked around. “I did not know you were Thea Alzara when I was at the trials until you used fire magic. They do not know that I competed in them.”

“Why didn’t you tell them?”

Leer looked around like he feared something. My eyes glanced around and saw nothing out of the ordinary. Jeb was the only one who watched us. It was clear that he didn’t like that I was having a private conversation. Leer’s eyes peered at me cautiously as he whispered.

“I was worried for my family's safety.” His eyes shifted around us again. He was terrified. This was a completely different man than the one I competed against in the trials. “This is not the place to talk about this, Captain.” His pale blue eyes pleaded silently at me. “Please.”

All of a sudden, his fear did not make my darkness happy.

“Very well, Leer; please continue training.”

He hurried away and didn’t look at me again. I would visit him later. I called on other guards to make it look less suspicious. I asked them basic questions, but they all tensed when I asked about their magic. None of them wanted to talk about it. It was odd. They all seemed scared of the topic. After a few hours, Jeb dismissed them for the day and told me they would meet again in the morning.

“Magic is not allowed to be used,” Jeb sighed.

“Well, that is stupid. It could win us the war.”

“Magic is forbidden here, and if you keep bringing it up, I will have to tell your father,” he warned me.

“Do whatever you wish, Jeb, but just remember that I’m the captain, and I don’t take kindly to threats.”

Jeb said nothing as he turned away and headed toward the castle. I stayed on the training field, trying to sort out what I was feeling about seeing Leer. He had been so cruel at the trials, but the man I saw today looked terrified and defeated. I glanced around me for Wisp out of habit, hoping she would give me any insight, but she was nowhere to be seen.