26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

I t didn’t matter how much I slept; I always woke up exhausted. I had no idea how long I had been rotting away in this bed, but I knew it was too long. Rain poured down outside the window, making me stand so I could get a better glimpse of it through the large windows in the living room. I remembered how beautiful Crimson was as I stared out into the forest.

A movement reflected in the window, and I froze. Someone with blonde hair stood behind me. I immediately began shaking because my mind had already convinced me that it was Jesper.

“Thea.” I felt a firm grip on my arm as I was turned around, and Haden’s horrified face stared at me. I trembled as tears burst from me because I didn’t know how to not be so scared anymore.

“Fuck, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” He frowned as he pulled me into him and wrapped me in a hug. I buried my face in his chest and cried violently as he held me. I was too broken to care if I was embarrassing myself.

Haden’s hand rubbed my back in a comforting way.

“I’m sorry, Thea,” he sighed heavily before backing up and sitting on the couch with me next to him. “I wanted to check on you because you haven’t left the bed in weeks. Cassius is worried. Everybody is worried.”

“I’m tired,” I whispered softly.

“No, you’re depressed. You’ve been through hell, and your body doesn’t understand that you are safe now, so it keeps you on edge just in case you need to keep fighting.”

I sat up and stared at Haden.

“I don’t know if I’m safe here, though,” I confessed. “What if my father wasn’t lying about everything? What if Cassius did enchant me or used some sort of magic to trick me into loving him? I don’t know what to believe anymore. I’m just so tired. Please, as my friend, tell me if this is a cruel trick. I cannot survive another betrayal from Cassius.”

Haden’s blue eyes scanned over my face, and I could see the pity he had for me.

“Cassius loves you.” Haden frowned. “And I think that you still love him too, despite everything he’s done to you. I think that deep inside your broken mind, you remember why he did what he did, and your heart just can’t hate him. Your heart knows that he never betrayed you.”

Haden was right in so many ways. I couldn’t hate him, not really. And I didn’t understand why. I sniffed and wiped my nose on my sleeve, then leaned in and hugged Haden. A moment later, someone cleared their throat behind us. When I turned around, Cassius was looking at us. Haden stood up quickly, muttering something about being a dead man.

“I came to check on her and scared her. I was trying to help calm her down,” he said defensively, his hands in the air to show he meant no harm.

Cassius’ black eyes stared at me relentlessly.

“That isn’t your job, Haden. It’s mine,” Cassius whispered. “I get to comfort her,” he said in a slightly injured tone.

“I’ll leave,” Haden sighed heavily.

Cassius kept staring at me, and I couldn’t look at him.

“I’m glad to see you out of bed, but I wish it was me that could have convinced you, not Haden.”

“He didn’t convince me. I was already up watching the rain, but he startled me, and... well, he tried to help me.”

“And did he? Help you, I mean.” Cassius glanced over me as if he were looking for something that had been missing for a long time.

“Yes.”

Cassius swallowed hard and finally glanced away from me.

“Is that what you need? Someone who is not me to help you. If it is, I will have Haden come back.”

When I glanced at him, he was staring at me with a longing that made me sad to see. He looked at me like he loved me, so why couldn’t my mind convince me I was safe? I realized I needed to hear it from him. I needed Cassius to tell me he didn't do all of this because he used me. My mind was confused because it wanted reassurance from him .

“Did you enchant me when we were enemies? My father told me I came here as a spy for Cerithia, and you used magic to make me fall in love with you. Is that true?”

Cassius stared at me, his face a conflicting mask of emotions.

“Does it feel true?”

I sat silent and thought for a moment before answering. “No, but I feel as if I cannot trust myself to make good judgments anymore.”

“You fell in love with me before you ever came here, and when you came, it was not because your father sent you. I took you as a prisoner when you refused to admit you wanted me. You thought we couldn’t be together because our families were enemies. I refused to let that be our fate, so I took you.” He shrugged like it was no big deal. “You hardly protested. Especially after you found out your father had been slaughtering elite magic fae instead of enlisting them in the armies, like he told you he had been. You chose to be here with me.”

There were so many questions I had about what he just said.

“You kidnapped me.”

“Technically...” he frowned. “But it sounds bad when you don’t have the context of our history.” He rubbed the back of his neck in frustration, like he was saying all the wrong things.

“So, I wasn’t a spy.”

“No.” His golden eyes glanced over me sadly. “Can I answer any other questions?”

My mind went blank at his request. I knew there were so many things I wanted to know, but now that I had the chance, I was overwhelmed and couldn’t think straight.

“You love me?” I whispered softly, almost hoping he didn’t hear me. He straightened up as he took a step toward me, but stopped when I backed up.

“I love you more than anything.”

“I hate that I think everything you say is a lie.” Cassius frowned at me as I stared at him. “Even after I learned what my father did, I still feel angry at you."

Cassius’ shoulders deflated at my words, but he didn’t look away from me.

“While I was in Cerithia, I had planned to kill you. And I truly think I would have if Wisp or my darkness had not intervened and saved you. Your words to me that day in the clearing have haunted me everywhere I go. Who could love a monstrosity like me? My mind truly thinks that no one can, and you are lying to me because you need to use me for something.

“But my darkness does not want to hurt you when you are near. It refused to kill you when those Falgon guards—I mean, Cerithia guards—kidnapped me. It hums with happiness when I am close to you, and it seeks you out every time you are near. My mind only shows me memories of us when we are happy, but my mind is broken, so I don’t know if I can trust it.”

Cassius opened his mouth to respond, but I held my hand up to stop him, a pleading look in my eyes.

“I am broken,” I choked out. “I am damaged and tainted. I feel nothing but self-hatred and pain inside of me. I do not know how to fix myself. Nothing brings me happiness anymore, and I worry that I will never be the same woman I was during the trials. I thought I was fine. I thought Jesper’s beatings and torture didn’t break me, but the gods know that I am barely hanging on here.”

My sobs were loud as I spoke the words, not knowing if Cassius truly cared or if this was another plan to use me.

“I will help you, Thea. I will gather each piece of you and make you whole again; even if it takes a lifetime, it will be a lifetime together. You do not have to weather this storm alone. Let me be your rock. I know the words you spoke just now are only a fraction of what you are feeling.” His golden eyes dimmed significantly. “I can feel every terrible thought and feeling you have through the bond. Please, let me show you just how worthy of love you are.

“My words in the clearing that day were meant to hurt you. I needed you to hate me in that moment, because if you had decided to cross the border to me, your father would have killed you before you took a step. I thought I would have the chance to explain myself to you, though. That I could tell you in our dreams or through the communication bond that I really loved you and I was only protecting you, but I didn’t know it was broken. I was counting on the fact that we could make a plan in our dreams to save us.”

Cassius ran his hands through his hair as he let out a long breath.

“There is another reason I was so cruel to you in the clearing that day, but I will only tell you when I know that you are staying here.”

I wanted to demand that he tell me, but I was feeling overwhelmed with everything. I turned from him and looked out the window. The rain was streaking down the windows, but it was Cassius’ reflection that I watched.

“We need to talk about everything,” I whispered as I turned back to him. “But if I am being honest, I am terrified that you will tell me something that I cannot forgive. If I lose you again, what am I supposed to do? What will I have to live for?”

Cassius frowned slightly at my confession.

“No matter what I tell you, you will forgive me because I did what I needed to save you. Because if I lost you, Thea, I would have to follow you to the stars and into our next lives. I simply cannot live without you.” He was so confident in his words. He reached out and gently grasped my hand for a moment. “Take your time, my love. We’ll talk more when you start feeling better. I don't want to rush this and mess it up.”

His words had calmed me and made my fire mist seep from me in happiness. It crept across the ground until it swirled around him as if it were hugging him. Cassius gave me a sad smile.

“I’m going to sleep on the couch, so I can be here if you need me. If that is alright with you?”

“Fine,” I agreed.

Cassius took a hesitant step toward me, and this time, I didn’t back up. Once he was in front of me, he brushed the hair from my face before running his hand over my cheek. His eyes stared into mine, and I wished I knew what he was thinking.

At the thought, my head pounded violently as voices muddled my mind. The longer I stared at Cassius, the more the voices narrowed down until it was only his that spoke.

Gods, please let this be the year she remembers us and stays with me. I cannot bear to lose her again.

I shook my head to get rid of his thoughts. I hadn’t meant to use the magic I gathered from the meeting of the kingdoms, and it felt like an invasion of his privacy.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes, I’m just tired.” I looked away from him. Cassius walked me to the bedroom and tucked me into the bed.