25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

I hadn’t left the bedroom in days. Exhaustion plagued my every waking moment. I thought I had been resilient during my time at Cerithia, that nothing had broken me while I was there. But being here made me realize how truly broken I had become. My nights were sleepless, memories of Jesper beating me haunted me, and my mind constantly made up new scenarios of what would happen to me when I had to go back.

I couldn’t go back. Tears filled my eyes and streamed down my face silently as I lay in bed. Emotions flooded me every time I opened my eyes, and trauma haunted me when I closed them. I couldn’t get any relief. I couldn’t stand to feel this way. A loud sob escaped me as I buried my face into the pillow. I did not know how I could survive this.

“Little viper.” I jumped when his voice whispered.

I sat up in bed and refused to look at him. My face was wet and was surely a mess from nonstop crying. My hands tried to wipe the wetness and snot away, like he wouldn’t be able to tell. I could feel him staring at me with worry. I was broken. Could they see it just by looking at me?

“You haven’t eaten anything.”

“I’m not hungry.”

He was silent, but I could still feel his presence in the room. I stared at the dark green comforter and tried to block out the racing thoughts. Flashes of Jesper cutting me invaded my mind, and I flinched at the intrusion. I didn’t know trauma could hurt worse in the aftermath than it did in the moment.

“Does anything sound good?” he finally spoke. “Whatever it is, we can make it or get it.”

“I’m tired,” I sighed and laid back down, pulling the thick comforter over my face.

“You’ve been sleeping for days. I’m worried,” he said, his voice laced with concern. “You’re losing weight.”

“I didn’t ask you to worry. I’m not your burden.”

Silence.

I wanted him to know that, though Cerithia had been physical torment, Crimson was emotional and mental torment. I didn’t know which was worse.I thought I could forgive Cassius after everything I learned, but I was still angry. He should have told me instead of letting my father tell me. My darkness was frozen inside of me. She was not shielding me from all the pain, hurt, and anger I had. Even when I begged my darkness to take away the emotions, she ignored me.

I felt the bed dip down somewhere in the direction I was facing. Part of me almost told him to leave, but a bigger part of me relaxed. I wasn’t so lonely now. As if he had been expecting me to react, he waited a moment before the bed shifted again as he lay down.

I closed my eyes and felt exhaustion, forcing me into a nightmare I didn’t want to live in.

Jesper always looked the same in my nightmares. The cold, unforgiving face when he carved into my skin in the dungeon was the only expression there.

My eyes looked at all the blood on the ground as my stomach bled and bled. Then suddenly, Jesper was holding me, forcing my face to look into the mirror and see the words carved there. I tried to close my eyes but couldn’t. Please stop. I don’t want to remember this. Then I saw something reflecting in the mirror from a dark corner of the room. Golden eyes.

My gaze held his as he watched Jesper hold me in place. Then Jesper laughed loudly and turned to where Cassius stood.

“Do you like her new tattoos? I did them myself.” He smiled so wickedly that I looked away from him. “Every time she sees her reflection in a mirror, she will remember me.”

I jolted awake, swinging my arms and kicking my feet wildly. I was crying, begging, and screaming for him to stop.

“It’s okay, my love.” Cassius was holding me tightly. “It’s alright; it was just a dream.”

I shook my head to argue. It was a nightmare, a memory.

“He hurt me,” I choked out.

“I know.” His voice was strained with emotion. “He won’t ever hurt you again.”

I moved away from Cassius and stood up. His eyes were wet with unshed tears as he looked at me, like he was seeing now how truly fucked up I was. I was not the Thea I was when I left for the witch’s bloodstone. I wasn’t even the Thea that marched here after visiting Exile. Jesper and my father had broken me since then. I don’t feel anything but despair and hatred now. I hated myself for every decision I made.

His eyes turned black when he looked over at me. The anger in his face scared me. His shadows swarmed around him quickly as he walked toward me with quick strides.

My reaction was to make myself small, to protect myself.

I began to shake violently, and I could hear pleading sobs coming from me as I slid down the wall, curling into a ball as he got closer. I waited for his anger. I waited for the pain to come, but it didn’t. My sobbing was the only thing that filled the silence of the room. Cassius had stopped moving. I peeked at him. Horror filled his face as he stared at me, a trembling, pleading mess in the fetal position at his feet. I was terrified of him, of everyone, and of everything. Cassius sank to his knees and stared at me.

“What did he do to you, my love?”

I watched the tears fall down his face at the sight of me. His eyes shifted to my arm, and I realized his torrent of anger was not directed at me. It was Jesper's name carved into my skin that had upset him. I had used healing magic, but scars couldn’t be erased. His words had been on my skin long enough that they would never fade.

I looked away, feeling disgusted with myself. I pulled my sleeve down and hid my arm from him, staying where I was. My chest heaved with small, choppy breaths. I could hardly get any air in. It felt like I was dying, and part of me wished I would. It would finally set me free from torment. My shallow breathing made me shaky and dizzy. My chest hurt and felt tight. I could feel myself spiraling out of control.

Then the smell of rain and forest surrounded me, and my hazy eyes cleared.

Cassius had come over and lay on the floor next to me. He raised his hand hesitantly and brushed it over the hair on my face. I kept my eyes closed tightly as the tears continued to flow. His rough hand gripped mine, and he lay on the hard wooden floor with me. Even though my darkness was not threatened by Cassius, I still could not bring myself to relax in his presence. What if he was a monster? What if all of this was another lie or trick? Was he enchanting me now?

“I never want you to look at me that way again, little viper,” he whispered. “That look will haunt me the rest of my life.”

I opened my eyes, and his handsome face was close to mine. I couldn’t respond. He closed his eyes tightly, like he couldn’t stop seeing it.

Cassius sat up, letting go of my hand before scooping me up and setting me on the bed. So many questions swirled in his eyes, but he didn’t ask them. He turned and headed for the door, but that familiar tug of wanting him to stay made me speak.

“It will only be worse when you send me back.”

Cassius stopped mid-stride but didn’t turn to face me as he spoke.

“I never had any intentions of letting you go back. You’re where you belong.” He looked over his shoulder at me. “I would take your pain and hurt from you if I could. I thought you wanted to be with him. I thought you chose him over me because you weren’t calling to me in your sleep anymore. You weren’t sending anything through the bond. I didn’t know it had broken that day. I didn’t know that you couldn’t feel me trying to fight for you, begging you to come home. I thought maybe you were happy, and I would have let you go if you had been. If I had known that the bond had broken, I would have torn through Cerithia or any of the other kingdoms to find you. I would have destroyed the realm for you if I had known what was happening. I know you hate me, but I hate myself more than you ever could. Seeing you so terrified of me makes me hate myself for not taking you.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but he stopped me.

“You will never go back to Cerithia or Kizar. You belong in Crimson. Even if you choose to have nothing to do with me, you belong here.”

Then he was gone. I looked at the crown tattoo on my wrist. I hadn’t been able to feel him or see him because it had been broken, not because he had abandoned me. Relief I didn’t know I needed flooded me, and I drifted to sleep peacefully.