19. Chapter 19

All eyes landed on me when I arrived at the cafeteria. I had skipped breakfast after a restless night. Every time I would fall asleep, Cassius's devastated face was there to haunt me. The talking died down when I entered, just like I had expected it to, just like it always had. Haden stood near Cassius at the door, but I didn't let my eyes linger long enough to see their reaction to me.

The tattoos still glowed on my skin, but my eyes had turned back to green at some point during my night's fitful sleep. My cloak was the only protection I had from their terrified glances. I loaded my plate with a bunch of different foods, and I headed out of the dining hall, opting to go sit in the sun outside instead of rotting away slowly in my bed.

I decided on the fountains in the gardens as a suitable spot for my lunch. I twisted through the tall hedges until I found my favorite fountain. It was made from white marble but had small black stones embedded within it, too. They had carved the marble into beautiful flowers that had water flowing from the center of them.

I sat on the wide edge and faced the fountain, tucking my legs under myself. The water trickling down drowned out any overthinking I was likely to do in the silence of my room. Slowly, I ate my food and watched the sun set far off in the distance. Part of me didn't understand all that happened yesterday. It was like I hadn't been in control of myself. Maybe that was part of the curse? All I knew was I was an asshole to everyone.

But they deserved it. At least that is what I tried to keep telling myself. But something like an itch in the back of my mind wouldn't let it be. Cassius had said I didn't know the whole truth. Would knowing the truth even make a difference? There had still been times when he had acted as if I was a disgusting, pathetic beast. But if that was how he really felt, then why did he truly look shattered?

My exhausted mind tried to make sense of a puzzle that I didn't have all the pieces for. The trials needed to be my focus, not all of this confusion. If I could get my hand on the witch"s bloodstone then I could get my memories and free all of Exile. The soft sound of approaching footsteps pulled me from the confusion in my mind. I waited until they were closer before pulling my dagger out and turning so it was pressed hard into their throat. Haden didn't move other than to lift his hands to show me that he wasn't here to fight. I lowered my dagger but stayed ready to attack. He slowly sat on the edge of the fountain.

"I helped save you. Why would I go through that trouble just to hurt you now?" he asked, looking offended.

"You think I trust you or anyone here? You were an asshole since the day we were introduced, and your best friend kidnapped me. Why should I believe you don't want to hurt me?"

"I was working with Nev at first. He approached me and told me why he was actually here, and I agreed because he was a long-time friend. Cassius caught on to who we were, and I was easily persuaded to change teams after that night I walked you to your room. Cassius came to find me and almost killed me because he was convinced I was working for Cerithia, which I was. The deal was that if I protect you, I live and so does my family." He looked at the water of the fountain. "Cassius assigned me to keep you safe. That is my only job now."

I wasn't sure what to say to him anymore. Cassius only wanted to protect me because they wanted the witch's blood stone and to keep me as a weapon.

"You scared the shit out of everyone yesterday." Haden sighed heavily. His eyes found mine, but he did not seem disgusted or scared of me now.

"Good. I want them to be scared of me."

"Well, you achieved that." His jaw clenched as he contemplated his next words. "Cassius isn't scared of you."

"I don't care what he thinks of me." It was a lie, and I knew it.

Haden smiled like we had been friends for a long time, and he knew I was a liar. I looked away from him to try to conceal my true feelings. Something deep in my chest felt relieved that Cassius wasn't scared of me.

"He said he's seen you like that before."

Frowning, I glanced at Haden. Cassius had seen me be a complete monster more than once. He would know I was completely unstable with my emotions.

"How upset is he with me?" I heard myself ask before I could stop it from being spoken.

"Not at all." Haden sighed and stood up. "Whatever you said yesterday completely destroyed him, but he's leaving you alone like you wanted. He just wants you to be happy, Thea."

Haden's words made my doubt about my actions creep up even more. I had hoped Haden would tell me that Cassius was fine and didn't care how I treated him. That would have supported my thoughts that he didn't care about me or what I thought. But what did this mean? He cared just like he said he did?

"I can't imagine the position you"re in," Haden said softly. "To have others know more about you than you do would be unbearable. But you can't keep pushing everyone away thinking that they are your enemy. At some point, you'll have to pick the side you trust the most. What is your heart telling you, Thea?"

He wasn't expecting me to answer. I watched him look around the gardens before he finally settled his gaze on me.

"There's a dinner tomorrow night for all the contestants left. You should probably find a dress." He gave me a weak smile and left. Standing there staring at the water of the fountain, I knew that Haden was right. I couldn't keep pushing others away worried that they were the enemy. There would be no one left to be on my side. Or maybe that was for the best. All I knew for certain was Cassius said those things about me.

My chest squeezed uncomfortably at the memory. I need to forget about this for now. Grabbing my plate, I took it back inside the dining hall so I could go find a dress. I paused when I heard Cassius and Haden.

"How is she?"

"Confused." Haden sighed. "Wouldn't you be?"

"Does she hate me?" Cassius whispered.

"I think she wants to but, there's something deep inside her that remembers you and won't let her."

Neither one of them said anything further so I turned the corner and ignored their stares as I set my plate in the wash area. I still had my cloak on with the hood up, so I used it to my advantage. My eyes fell on Cassius who was openly staring at me. He looked like he hadn't slept well at all.

Looking away from him, I left and headed into town to find a dress for a dinner I didn't want to go to. The weather was not as nice as it had been at lunch. Dark clouds moved over the Crimson Kingdom and lightning lit the sky above. The stone roadway changed to a dark color when the rain wet it. I breathed in the smell. Exile didn't rain. My eyes closed tightly as I breathed in again. I loved this weather.

The town was empty when I finally arrived. Cafes were full of fae laughing and enjoying each other"s company during the storm. My destination was the seamstress shop I had seen before hoping it was open. When I entered the shop, an older woman greeted me. Her dark eyes were friendly, and her white hair was styled immaculately.

"Thea," she said warmly like we were old friends. "What may I help you with?"

"Uh…" My arms wrapped around myself.

"You're well known around here." She smiled before concern flickered over her face. "Because of the trials of course."

"Right. Of course. There is some fancy dinner tomorrow, so I"ll need a dress. Something cheap if that's possible." I looked around at the fancy and exquisite designs she had. There was no way I"d be able to afford anything here. These dresses weren't my style either, but I wasn't sure where else I could go.

"The prince said you might show up here for clothes from time to time. He said the royal family will cover the costs." she smiled again. I must have let the confusion I felt show on my face because she rushed to explain herself. "The prince made it clear that if you need anything from town we are not to charge you for it. He will cover the costs. He seems very fond of you."

She smiled again when I felt my cheeks redden. She urged me to follow her towards the back of the shop.

"My name is Ophelia."

"Nice to meet you." I gave her a small smile and relaxed.

"So, I'm assuming this is dinner with the royal family?"

Nodding in response, I looked around at all the different fabrics and dresses she was currently making.

"Well, then we better dress to impress." She sighed as she looked through her heaps of fabric. She brought different colors over to me and held them against me. "Black or white?"

"Black."

"The prince's favorite color," she said, giving me a knowing look. That wasn't why I chose the color, but it did make me smile slightly at her blatant remarks. The real reason I had chosen black was because I was terrified of wearing white and ruining it with a stain.

She guided me to a room where she took endless measurements of me as I stood in front of mirrors. I zoned out at one point, and I didn't realize what was happening until I saw myself standing in front of a mirror at Crimson Castle.

Cassius walked up behind me as I stood in a sheer nightgown. His eyes met mine in the mirror and he smiled at me as his arms wrapped around my stomach pulling me flush against him.

"What are you thinking about so hard in here, My Love?" he whispered into my ear before kissing the soft skin below it.

"Mostly you." I smiled back when he looked up just enough to catch my eyes in the mirror.

He gave me a knowing look before tugging me harder against him.

"You miss me today?" he teased.

I could hardly think about anything when his mouth moved against my skin and his hands teased me. My eyes closed and I let my head fall back onto his shoulder so he could have better access.

"Yes," I whispered. "I missed you."

He gave me a noise of approval as he slowly lifted my nightgown up to expose my stomach. His hands were rough from hard work, but he was gentle as he touched me. His hand slid over my stomach and inched closer and closer to where I actually wanted him. He chuckled softly in my ear when I pushed my hips forward so he would get there faster.

"Look at how pretty you look like this."

I opened my eyes to our reflection in the mirror. Cassius was still in his black uniform, but my nightgown was sheer and white. His hands held me tightly against him as he held up my nightgown to expose me. His eyes were glowing gold and mine were bright green. My hand reached around me and found his hair.

I turned my face and his lips crashed into mine with so much pent up want and need. I turned in his grip as he grabbed the back of my legs and lifted me. My legs wrapped around him as our kiss grew wild. His tongue forced its way into my mouth as his hand grabbed the back of my neck and forced me to not move. I had hardly realized we were moving until he sat on the edge of the bed, so I was straddling him.

His hands lifted off my nightgown as my fingers fumbled with the buttons on his uniform. I tore it off of him and my hands immediately ran over his muscled arms and chest. His tattoos swirled around every inch of him. It still caught my breath every time I saw them. Cassius was so fucking handsome. He pulled back slightly and looked at me.

"Gods, you"re beautiful," he whispered and gave me a soft kiss as my hands ran through his hair. He looked at me again with a slight smile. "I thank the gods every day that I found you, Thea. That you're mine and no one else can have you."

My heart raced in my chest at his words. His finger softly traced my face.

"I'm only yours, Cassius, forever," I whispered before his mouth crushed into mine.

Ophelia turning me for measurements startled me out of the memory. My heart was pounding so fast I thought she would notice. She continued to hum and take measurements without noticing my flushed cheeks or racing heart. I could practically feel the ghost of Cassius touching my skin and kissing me deeply still. He looked like he cared for me, not like I was a monster. So, which was true?

Ophelia smiled up at me as she finally finished taking measurements. "Well, darling I should have this done tomorrow afternoon. Swing by a few hours before dinner."

"Okay. Thank you, Ophelia." Throwing my cloak back on, I lifted my hood as I left the store. It was still raining, and the clouds had blocked out nearly all the light. I followed the stoned street back to the castle. My mind flashed with the memory of Cassius and me. The Wisp followed me, but she was pure black, so she didn't help see anything in the dark.

I froze in the rain just outside the castle door for a long moment stuck in the way he kissed me. The way he touched me and looked at me. Those pretty words he said. I shook my head and headed inside. Dinner had already been served but I went to get my plate hoping I wasn't too late.

When I walked into the dining room it was empty. Damn it. My stomach growled loudly as I glanced up at Cassius stalking down the hallway going the opposite direction to me. His eyes were glued to me, but I could instantly feel the heat in my cheeks as I looked at him. He could remember all of this. Did he walk around plagued with these memories all the time? Cassius could remember every kiss, every touch, every word spoken.

Did it haunt him like this single memory haunted me? He was still openly watching me, and I wanted to say something to him, but I didn't know what to say. I had been cruel to him, but he was the same to me. My mind flashed to him kissing me. He wouldn't kiss me like that if he hated me. Would he?

"I set a plate of food on your bed just in case you're hungry." He spoke when I passed him. My feet stopped instantly at the sound of his voice, but he didn't stop. He kept walking down the dark hallway until he disappeared.