18. Chapter 18

Ishook my head back and forth to get rid of the memory. I didn't want to feel this way, but it was too late. That darkness seeped through my flesh and bones, wrapping every part of me in dark numbness. Heartbreak threatened to crush me, but I let the darkness take away that pain. Everyone in my life had molded me into the monster they thought I was.

"What's your problem?" Nev questioned. When I smiled at him, he visibly shifted away from me. "Your eyes are black," he whispered.

"I just realized that you're probably right. I am a monster."

Confusion took over his features as he inched away from me. I peered into the forest line when I heard footsteps. Haden walked through the tree line towards us. As soon as he saw me, he stopped immediately. His eyes shifted to Nev and then back to me.

"What the fuck is wrong with her?" Haden asked.

"She got extremely upset then her eyes turned black, and those marks appeared." Nev sounded worried. I inspected my still-bound arms and saw that red, orange, and black swirls had crawled up my skin. It felt hot as it moved over me, almost as if it was burning me. It crept up my back and around my neck, and then it stopped. It practically whispered its approval of letting it take over me. I've missed you. Let me take the pain away. I will make them suffer.

"What took you so long?" Nev snapped. "You were supposed to bring horses."

"The castle is on lockdown. Cassius is losing his shit. He killed a guard this morning because he wasn't at his post last night to prevent this. He wants her back."

The thought pissed me off. He was still pretending to care about me. Would I ever be anything to anyone except a pawn? The darkness clawed its way deeper into my flesh and bones. Marking and tainting any shred of hope that Cassius didn't think I was a monster.

"Well, let"s hope he follows us." Nev sneered at me, and I made a noise that was so animalistic it had him retreating immediately. The pure terror on his face made me laugh. "She's lost her fucking mind."

I felt caught between the only Thea I could remember and the desire to turn into a complete monster. The pathetic Thea was locked up deep inside my chest now, and I could barely feel her trying to cut her way out of the darkness that consumed me. I was tired of trying to show others I was worthy of basic decency. They were not going to use me and think I'd be too stupid to notice.

The conversation they whispered amongst themselves was not of interest to me. Nev headed over to the river again with his back towards us. Haden looked at me oddly as he slowly made his way towards me. I watched him like he was prey. He surprised me when he knelt in front of me. Haden glanced over his shoulder to Nev to make sure he was busy. Haden"s eyes met mine before frowning.

"What's wrong, Thea?" he whispered. "Cassius is almost here."

I didn't say anything.

"Did you hear me?" Haden whispered. "Nev is expecting the Cerithian Kingdom to come first, but Cassius will be here shortly."

Could I trust Haden to have my back now, when he had so clearly detested me earlier? I contemplated his true intentions but wore a look of indifference. How could I believe anything anyone said to me? Haden had been cruel and suddenly he cared.

"He can't reach you here. You're on Cerithia lands, so I'm going to try to get you back into the thick woods where Crimson borders, but I need to take care of Nev first."

He wanted me to respond, but I didn't care. All of these men making such a fuss over keeping me like I was a shiny toy to possess was disgusting.

"She's got to use the restroom. I'm going to take her over there." Haden called out to Nev. Nev turned to us, brow furrowing in deep thought.

"I'll come, too. She looks like she's gone complete fucking psycho monster bitch."

A terrifying chuckle escaped me at the name. Haden picked me up and held me tightly against him. He carried me through the forest for a moment before setting me down. My eyes watched all the Wisps gathering at the edge of Cerithia and Crimson lands. They floated in vibrant colors, watching and approving of my monster form. Haden"s eyes roamed over me oddly, like he couldn't understand what he was seeing, but I was merely the villain, just like I had been told.

"Thea, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong," Haden whispered. Nev had disappeared behind a thicket of trees in front of us.

I remained mute. His hands gently unwrapped the barbed cuffs from my ankles. I didn't even feel the pain that it should have caused me. Very few thoughts went through my mind as I watched Haden be gentle with the barbs. Dozens of Wisps had now gathered in the woods around me. It was as if my darkness called out to them and they all shifted to black flames.

Nev hadn't taken me far past where Crimson and Cerithia bordered each other. Cassius said he couldn't cross into Cerithia, so my best guess was Nev had to stay close to the border so when Cerithia came, they could kill him or take him hostage.

Haden's eyes shifted to behind me and I knew it was Cassius and the guards without turning around. Haden pointed to the thicket of trees where Nev had disappeared in order to warn Cassius. A moment later a bright flash of light blinded us. Nev must have anticipated them coming. I closed my eyes and stood still until the flash of light burned out, but the guards and horses who hadn't predicted what would happen stumbled around, still blinded.

"What the fuck is on her?" Cassius barked at Haden. "Get the cuffs off of her arms."

Haden worked quickly to free my hands from the magical barbs. Then his eyes shifted from me to Cassius.

"Come on, Little Viper. Let's go." Cassius held out his hand for me while still on top of his horse, but I remained where I was, glaring at him. The blackness of my eyes startled him, and the colorful swirls displayed on my skin didn't help ease him.

"What's wrong with her?" he questioned Haden.

"When I showed up, she was like this. She hasn't said anything to me."

Moving past them, I headed towards the thicket of trees Nev had entered. He was standing there like he knew I would come for him. I smiled and his smug face dissolved into sheer terror.

"And you said you weren't a monster," he spat in disgust.

Without thought, the tendrils of my fire mist moved from me and along the forest floor. Nev didn't stand a chance. As soon as he realized what was happening, my magic had him locked in a vice. He tried to summon his light magic, but he wasn't able to. My darkness robbed him, draining his magic completely from him. It seeped into my fire mist and settled in my chest with the others.

Slowly I stalked toward him. His eyes watched my every move. I circled him, my eyes watching the guards and Cassius when I did. They all stood there watching what was unfolding. Cassius's brows furrowed in confusion as he watched me. He thought I was a monster, so he was getting a monster. I would be their villain.

"Please." Nev struggled against my grip in vain.

"Please," I said in a mocking tone. "Not so tough when I'm uncuffed, are you?" I purred.

"I can tell you everything, but you can't kill me."

When I laughed, it didn't even sound like my own laugh. It was dark and sultry. It only took a few steps to reach him and make him squirm more.

"I already know everything I need to. I'm a monster and everyone wants to trap me." I whispered quietly so he was the only one that heard me. "I guess this is the part where I embrace the prophets" telling and burn the realm down around me. Kill the Kings and whatnot." I turned and looked at Cassius with so much hatred and betrayal bubbling up. "But I think I'll start with you, friend," I spoke loudly to Nev as I walked away. His screams echoed through the forest so loudly that the birds flew away as my fire burned away his body. The guards watched me in horror as I came towards them.

Killing Nev had been easy, and I didn't even lift a finger to do it. The Wisps circled around us, a frenzy of excitement.

"What horse do I get?" I asked casually.

"You can ride with me," Cassius said.

"I don't think so," I hissed at him. "As you can see, I don't need saving or help." One of the guards handed over the reins of a tall, pure white horse, save for a black marking that covered half of its face. The guards scurried to their horses. Cassius grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him, so we were eye to eye. His hand brushed the hair from my face gently.

"Thea, what's going on?" He looked so genuine and caring. It made me sick that I fell for it over and over again.

"You don't like the new look?" I scoffed in a fake offense.

"Why are you acting like this? I don't like it."

Laughter bubbled out of me. "Well, I don't like the little show you've been putting on for me. Pretending to care about me so I'll pledge my loyalty to your Kingdom was a good move though." I ripped my arm away from him. "I've got a trial to win, so let"s get to it."

"I didn't fake anything," he argued. "Whatever Nev told you is a lie."

I spun quickly to face him, pure malice dripping in my voice. "He didn't need to tell me. I saw it myself. My own memory has no reason to lie to me, Cassius. You think I'm a monster. You are disgusted by me and only pretended to care so you could get your throne."

"Thea, that's not true. Why are you remembering false memories? Did Nev manipulate you?"

"Nev was a moron," I scoffed. "I saw and heard you talking to your father. I know that he put you up to using me and you reluctantly agreed. It's just like I had always been told. The Crimson royal family is nothing more than a bunch of lying cowards."

Jumping up on my horse, I rode off towards the Crimson Castle without waiting for them. I thought the horse would spook from me, but she acted as if my darkness didn't bother her. The guards fell in behind me as I urged my horse to run faster. My hair whipped around in the wind as we broke through the thick forest tree line and into a meadow. I could hear another horse coming up on us and I knew it was Cassius, but I didn't bother acknowledging him.

Cassius didn't try talking to me or stopping me as we rode. I slowed down when we reached the outskirts of the Crimson castle yard. Cassius rode silently next to me. Tension kept rising between us with each silent moment that passed.

When we arrived at the castle a whole group of guards, contestants, and the royal family stood smiling until they saw me.

I jumped off my horse and headed towards the castle doors, not bothering to acknowledge any of them. The king stepped in front of me and waited for me to look at him.

"We are so glad you"re back, Thea."

"Why? Because you wouldn't want me in the hands of another Kingdom? Would you be too scared that I would burn the realm down, starting with all the cowards that live in this castle?"

The king took a step backward and glanced at Cassius in confusion before he returned his gaze to me. The sadness in his eyes took me aback momentarily, and I wondered if I was overreacting. He was hurt by my words, but I couldn't let them in and crumble my resolve of the truth I saw.

I reminded myself that they only saw me as a power pawn. The weakness I carried of wanting love, of wanting to be seen as someone worthy of love, would be my downfall. I didn't need anyone.

The other contestants' whispers about me reached my ears. Asking why I looked the way I did. Why was I not happy to be back here? I don't think I would be happy anywhere.

"Thea." Cassius snapped in a warning. I knew I was being blatantly rude to the king and in front of others, but what did it matter? They wouldn't kill me; they needed me more than I needed them. So, I turned to him ready to fight.

"Yes, Prince Cassius?" I barked out his title with so much venom. "Did you have something to say or were you just going to keep lying to my face?"

Not a single murmur could be heard in the crowd. Cassius looked at me with disappointment.

"Please, stop," he begged quietly. "You don't know what you"re talking about."

"Thea, you've had a traumatic experience. Let's get you inside to rest." The king patted my shoulder gently.

"Here's an idea. Why don't all of you cut the bullshit?" I yelled towards the crowd. They all looked at me how I wanted them to. Like I was unhinged. Like I was the monster they had all been warned about.

Cassius grabbed my arm and shoved me past the king. He dragged me with little effort down the hallway towards my room. I gave him a smug smile when he looked at me. He shoved me into my room and shut the door. His eyes were as black as mine, shadows forming around him in an angry cloud.

"Why are you doing this?" he said softly. "We"re the only ones that care for you!"

I scoffed, standing my ground.

"You're allowed to be an asshole to me, but I can't do the same?" I bellowed. He frowned at my words. "I remember things from time to time. I saw you and your father arguing about you tricking me into thinking you cared for me so I would be loyal to the Crimson Kingdom. Admit it. I'm just a pawn in this fucking game. You said I was a monster. That I was pathetic because I was so starved for attention that you barely had to put effort into tricking me."

Recognition flicked across his face.

"You don't have the whole story," he said gently.

"Did you say those things or not?" I glared.

"Yes," he whispered.

"Get out."

"Thea, that isn't the full truth. We–" I cut off his sentence before he could finish it. I shoved him, hoping he would shut up with his lies.

"Leave!" I yelled so loudly the walls of the castle shook.

"Please don't do this," he begged. "I can't lose you again." He looked as if I was breaking his heart. Good.

"You never had me to begin with," I hissed, hoping that if I said it with feeling I would believe it myself.

"Damn it! Would you stop?" He took a step towards me but stopped when I clapped loudly.

"What a great performance, Prince. You truly are convincing at playing the whole caring guy act, but I'm not interested. After these trials, I hope I never see you again."

His black eyes turned a dim gold at my words. His angry shadows dipped low to the floor in hurt. Cassius opened his mouth to say something, but he shut it and looked at me like I had slapped him in the face.

"You can't mean that," he frowned.

"I mean it." There was a little voice in my mind begging me to stop, that I was going too far, but I wanted him to hurt. "I fucking hate you, Cassius. I hope my memories of you will never come back. I wish I had never met you."

His whole demeanor changed. Cassius went from the fearless Captain of the King's Guard to looking so hurt and vulnerable. He stared at me like I had said the worst thing I ever could. Part of the fire raging inside of me dimmed at the complete devastation on his face. His eyes looked over my face before he turned and left my room without a word.

As soon as the door shut, I let the weight of my words sink in. My chest felt heavy as I realized how mean I was being to everyone. They deserved it, I tried to tell myself. So why did I feel like shit? I could hear a commotion out in the hallway, but I stood frozen in my spot. He admitted to saying those things about me so why was I second-guessing myself? My eyes caught my reflection in the mirror of my bathroom, and I stared at myself.

My dark hair was in wild curls from the horse ride. My green eyes had been replaced by the darkest black I'd ever seen, but what caught my attention most were the tattooed swirls along my arms and up my neck.

A monster. That"s what I looked like. I looked away from myself and sat on the bed. What was I doing? I rested my face in my hands as I tried to calm the rage within me. He has been lying to me the whole time.

I shouldn't be feeling bad because I'm not falling for it anymore. Cassius's devastated face flashed into my mind. I tried to shake the memory of it away, but it wouldn't go away. As I paced back and forth, Cassius"s words plagued me.

I can't lose you again.

His words flooded my mind. I needed to distract myself. I went to take a scalding shower, but I stopped in my tracks when I saw my tattooed marks covering my entire body. Why had these appeared? I got in the shower and did everything I could to forget Cassius and our conversation. If my intention was to push everyone away, I had accomplished it. I had never felt more alone.