9. April

NINE

APRIL

Steff's face fell. He nodded sadly, then turned away, taking his date with him to a table on the far end of the restaurant. The emotions—sadness, anger, and most surprising of all, jealousy—that flooded through me when I saw that woman touching Steff made no sense. It had been years since Steff and I had been together. I had no right to be jealous of anyone touching Steff. Why would I? For years, he'd made it clear he wanted nothing to do with me.

I followed Steff and his date with my eyes. They sat, and when Steff reached across the table to take her hand, another stab of pain shot through me. The sight of him being intimate with another woman made me feel like shit. As silly as it was, I had a hard time not wondering what she had that I didn't.

"...April? Hey, are you there?"

I blinked and shook my head to clear it. Ryland had been saying my name, trying to get my attention, and I'd been totally zoned out. Embarrassment and shame hit me in equal measures.

"Sorry, I… that shouldn't have happened. I don't know why he did that," I said, grabbing my glass to take another sip of water.

Ryland's expression was one of confusion and concern. "I'm guessing, after this and the other night at the bar, you have some history with that guy?"

I hesitated, thinking how crappy it would be to dump all my baggage on Ryland. He didn't need to hear my sob story. But even knowing that was true, the floodgates opened.

"Yeah, we used to date back in high school."

Ryland's eyebrows shot up. "High school? That's a long time for a dude to hold a torch."

"Oh, no, he wasn't the one pining for me. I'm the one who got my heart broken."

"That dude dumped you?" Ryland sounded incredulous, but I couldn't find the strength to smile.

I told him how Steff had, without warning, started pushing me away toward the end of his senior year. Even though we'd made plans to stay together and even get married after college. When I explained how Steff had broken up with me in the parking lot and walked out of my life forever, his face creased into an angry frown. Ryland glanced across the restaurant and stared daggers at Steff, who was oblivious while reading his menu.

"I would never do that to someone I claimed to love. How could anyone hurt someone like that? I know it hurt you, but I think you should be thankful it didn't go further. I can't imagine how much worse that would have hurt if he'd waited until you guys were married or had kids or something before he walked out the door."

"I know, you're right, that would have been worse. But it's hard not to feel the same pain when he's around."

Ryland gestured toward him. "It looks like he's maybe having second thoughts, though. The whole show here? I think he's hoping to rekindle things. April, I really hope you don't fall for whatever he's trying. I'd hate to see you get hurt again."

I smiled and waved him off. "Don't worry. I'm not dumb enough to fall for a guy like that a second time."

The words rolled off my tongue so easily that anyone listening would believe it. Deep down, my heart told a different story, though. If I peeled back all the hurt, anger, and pain, the truth was that I'd never stopped loving Steff. All I'd done for years was try to push the feelings of love away. Everything I'd done had been to try to build walls against him. I'd dated movie stars, football stars, and musicians. I tried to have serious relationships, as well as mindless flings. It dulled the pain, and kept the agony away for a while. But invariably, I would find myself lying in bed, thinking about Steff. I would literally be lying in bed with some famous dude most women would give their left arm to be with, and I would be sobbing over my lost high-school boyfriend while they slept.

Ryland must have seen the pain on my face. "Do you want to get out of here? I don't want you to be uncomfortable with him over there."

"No, I'm not going to let him dictate where I get to have dinner." I put on a brave, almost sincere, smile, "Besides, I'm hungry, and our food should be out soon."

The food did come out soon after. I'd ordered a massive bison ribeye. It looked amazing, but I couldn't enjoy it. It tasted like ashes in my mouth. I chewed mechanically, even giving a few fake sighs of pleasure as I ate. My gaze continued to slip across the room toward Steff. Each time he was either stealing glances at me or glaring at Ryland. As much as I said it would be fine, the night was turning awkward.

Ryland did his best to enjoy the meal, but I could see he was getting frustrated with how weird things were. I didn't want his frustration to turn to irritation.

I reached across the table and put a hand on his arm. "I'm really sorry. This should have been a relaxing night out between friends. It… well, it didn't really work out that way. Again, I'm sorry."

His face softened as he covered my hand with his. "It's fine, seriously. Maybe we can try again another time. We could drive up to Denver or something? Some place where you won't run into him," Ryland said, tilting his head in Steff's direction.

That wouldn't work, and I knew it. Denver was a big town. Full of professional athletes and other big names. There would be media and photographers who would recognize me. If even one of them saw me, chaos would ensue. That was not something I was ready for.

"I'll think about it," I lied.

Ryland waved down our server and asked to have the rest of our food and dessert boxed up so we could leave. I forced myself to keep my eyes off Steff as Ryland paid the bill and walked me out. Once we were in the parking lot, I took a deep breath and some of the tension in me released.

At my car, Ryland said, "I'm really sorry tonight didn't go as planned. I suggested this place. If I'd taken you to a random burger joint, this wouldn't have happened."

"You couldn't have known. The odds were a thousand to one that Steff would show up here with a date on the same night at the same time we did. Don't be upset, please."

He nodded and smiled sadly. He leaned forward to give me a kiss; like a gentleman, he placed it on my cheek and not my lips. It should have been a sweet, welcome gesture. Instead, my entire body revolted against the sensation of his lips on my skin. Disgust and revulsion swept through me, and it took a massive force of will for me not to gag and pull away. I clenched my teeth and locked the smile on my face, showing none of my discomfort to Ryland.

When he pulled away, I felt physically ill. What the hell had that been? His cologne smelled amazing, his breath was fine, so what could cause that? The food? Had I gotten food poisoning? If that was the case, why did the urge to vomit dissipate as soon as he pulled away?

I climbed into my car, still grinning my fake smile. "Good night. See you soon."

He waved to me as I drove away. The further I got from Ryland, the better I felt, which was weird. What the hell had gotten into me? It had to have been something I ate. Had to be. I headed straight home, suddenly tired beyond belief.

My pajamas had been on for less than ten minutes when the doorbell rang. I'd been sitting in bed reading a book, and the idea of getting up and going to the door gave me the same dread as if someone had said I needed to run a marathon. After the bell rang a second time, I groaned and reluctantly got out of bed. I had a sneaking suspicion as to who was ringing my bell, and that didn't help my mood.

Sure enough, when I checked the camera feed, Steff stood there, arms crossed, looking anxious. For the love of God. I tilted my head back and looked at the ceiling. Why couldn't life be simple? I was weighing the thought of ignoring him when he rang the doorbell for the third time.

"Jesus," I hissed, unlocking the door.

Before I could get a word in, Steff started in on me. "We really need to talk."

"Like I said at the restaurant, we have nothing to talk about. Why are you here? I was getting ready for bed."

"You don't understand, but you're playing a dangerous game," he said, ignoring me.

"What the hell are you talking about? What? Ignoring you? Is the big bad baseball player gonna get pissed? Please don't give me the whole you wouldn't like me when I'm angry spiel."

He winced and shook his head. "It's not that, no. It's the guy you were with. He's dangerous, April. You should stay away from him. You have no idea what he's capable of."

"What could he possibly be capable of other than knowing the square root of sixty-four? He's a fucking math teacher, Steff, not Jack the Ripper. He doesn't look like he'd hurt a fly." I crossed my arms and tilted my head. "Or is this some jealousy thing? You don't want me, but no one else is allowed to be with me? Because that is some really fucked-up shit."

He put his palms to his eyes and hissed out a frustrated breath before looking at me again. "This isn't working. I'm not explaining things right. If you want to date, that's fine. I totally understand. We haven't been together for fifteen years, and you are free to do as you like. Just not with that guy, I'm begging you."

I was secretly upset that it wasn't jealousy. It would have been nice to know he felt at least a little of what I had when he was with that other girl. From the look on his face, he really didn't care that I'd been on a date. My anger reared its ugly head again.

"Begging? Begging me? You know, Steff, I seem to remember that begging was a really big part of our relationship before. I remember a heartbroken seventeen-year-old girl begging the boy she loved to tell her why he didn't love her back anymore." Steff's face went pale, and his eyes widened. "She begged and begged, sobbing her goddamn guts out. And what did that boy do? What did he do, Steff?"

"I… this isn't?—"

"Isn't what? Whatever it is, I can handle it!" My voice was rising in anger with each word I spoke.

Steff's body seemed to almost be shrinking and withering in the storm of my words. I took a little pleasure from that. At least there was some kind of emotion. If I could get nothing else, maybe I could get fear.

Steff mumbled, "Trust me, April. If you don't trust another word out of my mouth, trust me about this guy."

My eyes flared, and I poked him in the chest. "I could never trust you again. Ever."

He took a stumbling step backward and grasped his chest. Not where I'd poked him, but right above his heart. He looked like he was in pain, agonizing pain. My anger swept away in an instant, replaced with concern.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Ugh." He grimaced. "Uh… I'm fine."

I pulled my head back in surprise. His voice sounded weird. Super deep, almost like a growl. The look of pain was still there, but he was trying to recover. Instead of standing upright, he started to tremble all over, like some combination of shivering and a mild seizure. I stepped forward and gently touched his arm. No matter how angry he'd made me, I wasn't a heartless bitch. When someone was in trouble and needed help, I would do whatever I could for them.

"Steff, are you sure? You look like you need a hospital. Why don't you sit down? I'll call 911."

He wouldn't meet my eyes. "No. I'm fine. I need to go." His voice was barely audible as he turned and started back toward his house.

"Steff." He didn't respond, just kept walking. I stood where I was, watching until he was inside.

I stood on my porch for a full minute, staring at his house. I'd never seen anyone look like that. He'd acted like he was on the verge of death. Had it been a show to get me to stop yelling at him? No, that had been no act. You couldn't pretend to shake like that. Something was seriously wrong.

I couldn't get my mind off it even as I went back inside. He was a grown man, and I was certain if he really did need medical help, he'd have said. Damn, that had been weird. I decided to brew a cup of chamomile tea to help me wind back down and get to sleep.

While I stood at the sink filling my tea pot, I glanced out my kitchen window. The pot fell from my hand and clattered into the sink. I gasped, stifling my scream. Outside, behind Steff's house, was the biggest damn grizzly bear I'd ever seen or heard of in my life. I put a hand to my mouth and watched it. The thing looked pissed. It rose up on its hind legs and slammed its paws onto the ground, then swiped its claws through the dirt, slinging soil thirty yards across Steff's backyard, leaving deep furrows where its claws had passed. It finally turned and galloped into the woods.

"Holy shit."