10. Steff

TEN

STEFF

Rage warred within me. In my bear form, I slammed my paws into the ground, but it didn't quell the storm inside me. Slinging dirt across my yard, I turned and ran into the woods. Small branches and saplings slapped at my face as I ran. The stinging pain felt good and helped me focus.

When April had shoved her finger into my chest and said she didn't trust me, it was like my heart was being torn in half. The bear had been almost irate with anger and shame. Those emotions were focused toward me, not April. It was angry at me for what I was doing, for how I was fucking everything up. My heart was still throbbing, like someone had squeezed it and nearly popped it in their fingers. Was this what her rejection was like? Was this how the curse made me feel?

The bear whined and forced me to slam my shoulder into a tree. The bark scratched through my fur, sending twinges of pain down my spine. This self-inflicted pain wasn't doing anything for the pain in my soul, but for some reason, the bear wanted it. Like some sort of self-flagellation or atonement.

I hadn't felt this kind of pain in a long time. Breaking up with April the first time had been bad, but not like this. At least then I'd made myself believe it was the best for her. No, the last time I'd felt this much pain was when I'd been kicked out of my pack.

In shifter families, the Alpha's oldest son wasn't always guaranteed to be the next Alpha. It was determined by how they grew. Like a wolf pack or lion pride, the biggest, strongest and fastest tended to inherit the mantle. That's what had happened with me and my older brother. He was two years older, but from the time I was born, my parents knew I'd be the next Alpha. I'd been born bigger, cried less, ate more, and learned to crawl and walk faster than he had. It had been obvious. Growing up, it had been a sore spot for him.

My brother and his other shifter friends teased and bullied me. It was the only way he could have any power over me. It was always name-calling and embarrassing stuff. He knew I was stronger. One day, when I was twelve, he decided to try to do more than just torment me.

He and five of his friends jumped me in the woods behind our house. They'd brought baseball bats, telling me that since I loved baseball so much, they'd make sure a bat was the last thing I saw. All these years later, I still wasn't sure if he'd actually meant to kill me to take my spot as Alpha. The boys all ranged from fourteen to fifteen, but again, I was a burgeoning Alpha. I was stronger than all of them. I was faster and knew how to fight. I had four of them on the ground before I turned and saw my brother, bat cocked, a manic look in his eyes. He swung. He'd swung so hard that if it had been a baseball, he'd have knocked the cover off it. It wasn't a baseball, though.

I'd been too quick, and ducked out of the way. His bat had slammed into the head of one of his friends who'd been standing behind me. The sickening thwack had echoed through the woods as the boy collapsed. His legs and arms had jerked and spasmed, drool and foam trickling from his mouth, and I could see his skull had been crushed in at his temple. His eyes had rolled so far up that all I could see was the whites. While we all gaped at him and before any of us could think to run for help, he gurgled one final breath and went still. Dead, right there at my feet.

My brother, in panic, had rounded up his remaining friends and sprinted out of the woods. I'd been in shock, staring at the dead boy for almost fifteen minutes. By the time I knew what was happening, the entire pack had come running into the woods, having been alerted to the accident by my brother and his friends. The problem was that they hadn't told the truth. None of them had. The story they told was that they'd been teasing me like usual, but I'd lost my mind in anger and had beaten their friend's brains in with my baseball bat.

Finally snapping out of my daze, I told my mother and father that it was a lie. I'd never have done something like that, but the evidence was too strong. Four different boys, and my own brother, swore it was what had happened. Plus, the bat my brother had used was my own bat, stolen from my room. It still lay, bloody, in a pile of leaves beside the body.

The look in my parents' eyes had sent me into a sobbing, blubbering mess. They looked at me like they didn't even know me. All the love they'd ever shown me throughout my whole life dried up in those moments in the forest beside the body of a dead boy. They never saw the look of silent excitement and joy that appeared on my brother's face when my father declared I was no longer his heir. That I would be banished to my uncle in some place called Lilly Valley.

They sent me away twenty-four years ago, and I hadn't heard from my parents since. Cut off completely and thoroughly. No birthday cards, no Christmas presents, not even a phone call. It was like they'd died. More accurately, like I'd died. The pain from back then was the only thing close to what I felt now. The loss of a pack bond was like a physical stab to the chest.

I'm sorry , I said to my bear, trying to ease his pain. I finally stopped running as I came to a broad stream deep in the woods. Usually I'd let the bear play in the water and maybe try to catch some fish in his massive jaws. Tonight, neither he nor I were in the mood for playing. Instead, I lay by the water, my massive furry body collapsing on the rocks and sand on the edge of the water. The bear whimpered again and covered its face with a paw. The pain was almost intolerable.

What should we do? I asked. We both knew what it would mean to claim April. What her life would be like. Her life would be irrevocably changed. She would have a secret that would have to be concealed forever. It was an impossible thing to ask of someone, but the pain that was radiating from my bear was beyond words. Nothing had ever been so heartbroken and devastated as the beast that lived within me. This wasn't just me, it was a part of me, and it had a say too. Or at least it should. So far, all I'd done was push its wants and needs away. Its desires had not been important. Now, lying here by the stream, the sadness cascading across my mind, I had a hard time reconciling my plan.

My thoughts turned back to April. Was it really the best thing to push her away? Was that truly the only option? I couldn't imagine her ever forgiving me, but I had to see if she could. Could we at least try? There was no way to know if she would ever want the life being my mate would bring to her. No, but shouldn't she at least get the chance to decide? My bear perked up at my thoughts, a glimmer of hope sparking in my chest. Any hope was better than none.

When I came back out of the woods, my bear was much more at ease and content. Changing my plans about April had done wonders for the beast side of my soul. It was disturbing how angry it had been with me. I'd noticed it before, when I'd been doing everything in my power to push April away. Now that he'd relaxed, the absence of his disdain for my decision was more evident. He'd been on the verge of hating me for what I was doing. That was something that made me feel… well… weird. How could part of yourself hate another part of yourself? It was like my right hand hating my left foot. So strange.

As I exited the foliage, I shifted back to my human form, and the first thing I saw was flashing blue lights in April's driveway. What the hell? Why were the cops at her house? I went into a panic at the thought of something terrible having happened to her. Had some stalker found her all the way out here in the middle of nowhere? I sprinted along the tree line and rounded the right side of my house, so no one would see me coming from the trees.

I peeked around the side of my house and saw April talking with a deputy. When neither was looking my way, I stepped up onto my porch and then down the steps, making it look like I'd come out of my house. I stood for a moment and listened. I was too far away for human ears to hear, but I was able to pick up the words clearly from where I was.

"Okay, Miss Knight, one more time, so I'm clear. What did you say you saw?"

April huffed a breath out and pointed back toward the forest. "Like I said on the phone and the first time I told you. I was at my sink, and I looked out my window and saw a massive, like, enormous grizzly bear in my neighbor's backyard."

"Shit," I muttered. I'd been stupid. She'd seen me. Christ, she would have seen me shift if she'd looked outside a few seconds earlier. I was such an idiot.

My bear didn't seem to feel the same way I did. Hearing April describe how powerful and huge he was had caused some weird preening sensation to flood through me. Was he actually being haughty? Good grief.

Leaving that portion of my mind to bask in his own masculinity I walked toward April and the cop. The deputy saw me first and nodded to me. "Sir, are you the resident next door?" He pointed at my house.

April saw me and her eyes brightened. "Steff, did you see it?"

"See what?" I asked, playing dumb.

"The lady says she saw a bear in the woods behind your house." I could hear the very vague irritation starting to cloud his voice.

I frowned. "Like a black bear?"

"No, sir, she says it was a grizzly bear. From her description, it was almost a thousand pounds."

"But we don't have grizzlies in Colorado," I said.

The deputy shrugged. "That's what I told her."

"Hey, douchebags, I'm standing right here," April said, jamming her fists into her hips.

The deputy raised his eyebrows. "Excuse me?"

April's face went crimson, and she dropped her gaze. "Uh, shit, sorry. I mean, I'm telling the truth. I know what I saw."

"Officer, I just got back from a hike in the woods, and I didn't see anything. I think, if a bear was here, it's long gone."

The deputy was still giving April a hard stare, but he turned his glare on me. "I'll send a report in to the wildlife authorities and the park rangers. See if any tagged bears have moved out of their usual roaming area." He glanced back at April. "Any tagged black bears. You all have a good night."

The deputy walked back to his car, and I moved April to her house. She was hissing into my ear about what a dick the cop was being, and I hustled her faster before he could hear any of her expletives. I got her inside and the door closed before I let her unload.

"That guy didn't believe me. Can you fucking believe that?"

I sighed and patted the air in front of her. "April, chill, it's okay. I believe you about the bear."

"He looked at me like some stupid bimbo, and… wait, what?"

"I believe you saw a grizzly."

She blinked rapidly as if her mind had short-circuited. "Well… why the hell did you lie to that cop? Why didn't you back me up, for God's sake?"

"It's a long story, but I know for sure that the bear isn't dangerous."

April pointed toward the back of her house. "Dude, that thing was as big as a house. How could you possibly know it's not some man-eater?"

"Look, it's complicated. Trust me, okay?"

Her face changed. The manic anger at the cop and the panic from seeing the bear morphed into a cold and closed-off expression. She took a step away and turned toward the back wall, crossing her arms. "Not possible."

The words hurt, but I understood. I didn't blame her. "April, whether you believe me or not, I promise I won't let anything happen to you. Nothing will hurt you while I'm around."

Without turning around, she said, "Yeah, nothing will hurt me. Nothing except you."

That was a verbal kick to the balls, and I nodded to myself. I deserved that. That, and more, if I were honest with myself. If my new plan was going to work, I had a shit ton of work to do. Fences to mend and bridges to build.

I opened the front door and stepped out. "Lock up as soon as I'm gone."

She didn't respond as I latched the door closed behind me. Once I was back home, all I could do was pace around my house. My original plan to push her away was not working, and I'd come to accept that over the last hour. Now, I needed another strategy. Some way to get her to look my way again. To bring back the way she used to see me. I'd hurt her worse than I'd hurt anyone in my life. Before I could tell her the truth, I had to figure out a way to win her back. It made it worse that I'd spent the last couple weeks pissing her off even more. Had I not been an idiot not jumping at the chance as soon as I saw her again, it probably would have been much easier.

Since Miles had been the most vehemently opposed to my original plan, I called him. Perhaps he'd have some insight or idea how I could go about fixing what I'd broken.

As late as it was, he still answered on the second ring. "Yes."

"Miles? Hey, it's Steff."

"Well, yeah, that is what the caller ID said."

"Okay, smartass. I need a friend and you were the first person I thought of."

"Sounds important. What do you have going on?"

"Remember the other day when I explained how I was going to try to get April to reject me?"

"Oh, yeah, the dumbass plan that will more than likely result in your death? I think I remember something about that."

"That's the one. Look, I've had… I don't know, a change of heart."

Miles laughed. "I figured you'd smarten up."

"Right, now I have to win her back. Plus, that hunter Ryland is sniffing around, trying to get into her pants from the looks of things. What do I do, man?"

There was a several second pause before Miles said, "I think I have a plan. Get some sleep. Your first big game is tomorrow."

I let out a breath of relief. Miles was the one you could always rely on to have a plan or vision. He'd been the one to first suggest opening a security firm. I'd never gone wrong following his lead.

"Thanks, man. I can't explain how much it means to me for you to have my back."

"That's what brothers are for, Steff. Get some sleep. I'll get you more info tomorrow."

"Good night," I mumbled, and hung up.

Brothers? My mind drifted back to my own brother. The person who should have been my closest ally and friend. He never would have done anything to help me, wouldn't even have contemplated the idea of sticking his head out for someone else. He'd be the first one who'd want to see me fail. Thankfully, now I had three true brothers. My guys would go to the ends of the Earth for me, as I would for them. It was something to be truly grateful for.

I undressed and slid into bed, punching my pillow until it was just right, then I relaxed. My bear was more content than I'd felt in a long time. My own nerves were less frazzled. In the dark, as I waited for sleep, I finally understood how strong that curse was. Hopefully, whoever the curse hit next, whether it was Blayne or Miles, they weren't crazy enough to attempt what I'd tried.