8. Jesse

JESSE

"It was so awesome. You wouldn't believe it, Caden. I kicked the ball so far, and it made it into the goal twice! There wasn't anybody in front of the goal?—"

"That's a goalie," I said from the recliner next to our new purple couch. When the lights were dim, it could pass for a dark gray, but I honestly didn't care if it looked neon green. Maddie had loved it from the second it was delivered, and she was telling Caden all about how much she loved soccer while sitting cross-legged on her favorite cushion.

So far, it was the best purchase I'd made since moving in to this condo.

I'd figured running after the ball and kicking it as hard as she could would have tired her out, but it was as if she came to life after we left each practice. For the past couple of weeks since she'd joined soccer, she'd been the chatty niece I'd remembered, before losing her mother had made her retreat into herself.

Hearing her babble to Caden was the best music to my ears. He'd come over this Sunday morning with a bag of steaming bagels and a container of cream cheese, saying he'd wanted to check on us and see how soccer was going. He was as great with Maddie as he had been with my sister when she was that age.

I was grateful, but fully aware the nosy asshole in him was the motivation for his random visit today.

"That is awesome, kiddo," Caden said. "I'd love to go to a game if that's okay."

"Yes, they said everybody could come. Grams and Grandpa said they want to come too." Maddie's eyes were still excited and saucer-wide. "Coach Emily is the best. She had us playing this game at practice yesterday called World Cup, where you kicked the ball and had to say what country you were from, and I did three countries. Two made it into the goal!" She held up two fingers in front of Caden's face.

"Wow," Caden said, flicking his eyes to me. "Coach Emily sounds pretty awesome."

"She is. Did you know she used to be Uncle Jesse's friend?"

"Yes, I did know that. I knew Coach Emily too, back in the day. We were all friends in high school."

Maddie was too excited to catch Caden's sneaky emphasis on friends.

"Did you know Sabrina too? She's her assistant. She's pretty nice."

"Oh really?" Caden's brows popped up. "Yes, I knew her too. Sabrina is very nice."

I didn't know if Sabrina and Caden had officially started something up again or were just seeing each other as friends. He'd hidden how torn up he'd been about his divorce with jokes, but I knew it ate away at him more than he'd admit. Spending time with Sabrina had always been an escape for him, and if it helped now, and they were both on the same page, I'd stay out of it since I was sure I wouldn't have to get in between him and some angry boyfriend of Sabrina's after school.

"Uncle Jesse, did you send Coach Emily the video from yesterday?" Maddie asked me and whipped her head back to Caden. "Uncle Jesse took a video of me kicking the ball in our backyard. We made a pretend goal, and I got it in like three times."

"I texted her this morning, Mad. I didn't want to bother her if she was out."

And I didn't want to know if she was. We'd started texting back and forth after that dinner, mostly about Maddie, with a little reminiscing in between. Conversation was becoming easier between us—or at least easier to find an excuse to start one.

"Is that what coaches do now? Make you practice on your own time and send video proof?" Caden laughed as he leaned back.

"No. Since Uncle Jesse talks to her, he offered to send it for her to see."

I held in a groan when Caden's brows popped up.

"That was nice of your uncle. I'm sure Coach Emily appreciates that."

As if on cue, my phone vibrated in my pocket.

Emily:I love it. Tell her she's doing great, and I'm excited to see her play this week.

Emily:And nice job passing back and forth.

I'd set my phone down when Maddie had asked me to pass her the ball like they did in practice. We were both showing off a little for her coach, although my niece's reasons were cute and not pathetic.

"What did she say?" Maddie asked as she popped off the couch.

"How do you know it's Coach Emily?" I held my phone out of reach before she could look.

"Because you were smiling at the screen. You always do that when she answers you."

Caden burst out laughing before he covered it with a fake cough.

Yes, I enjoyed speaking to Emily. Yes, I liked seeing her at the couple of practices we'd had, and it had felt good to joke around on the sidelines like old times. I looked forward to seeing her at the game this week with more anticipation than was probably healthy.

So no, I wasn't abiding by my own rules to keep my distance, but because she was Maddie's coach, I'd allowed myself the convenient excuse until the end of the season.

The smug look on Caden's face told me he wouldn't buy that, and if I was truthful with myself, neither did I.

Me: You taught me well, I guess. I hope I didn't text too early.

Emily: You can always text me. And I've been up for a while. I promised my mother breakfast today since I've had to hear it all week about being too busy to call her.

Me: You better get over there and stop wasting time talking to me.

Emily: Getting into trouble because of you would be like old times. I feel warm with nostalgia.

Caden gave me a look but didn't call me out on the wide grin making my cheeks ache.

"Did you play sports when you were in school?" Maddie asked Caden.

"Nope," Caden replied, still smirking at me. "Well, not really, anyway. Uncle Jesse and I used to run track in our last year of high school because it was an easy way to get out of the last class every day."

"You can do that?" Maddie's eyes lit up.

"No, you can't," I replied for him. "At least not in your school."

"Really?" Her bottom lip jutted out into a pout as her shoulders drooped. "You guys were lucky then. Did you like it?" She looked between us.

"Track? I liked it well enough," Caden said with a shrug. "There was really nothing to do but run, so I didn't have to learn any kicks or cool things like you will in soccer."

I was hopeful that soccer and reconnecting with her friends was helping her ease into a new normal. I'd gone to all the new school year events and had asked her teacher to let me know if there was anything going on in class or with her behavior that I should be aware of. In the last email exchange, her teacher had assured me that Maddie was doing fine so far and promised she'd keep me posted.

I still felt like I was just careening through parenthood by the seat of my pants, but things were going well enough to give me hope that I wasn't totally screwing it up yet.

"Do you want to play outside, Caden? It's not really that complicated to kick the ball back and forth if you want me to show you."

"I appreciate that," he said, tapping her chin with his knuckle. "Maybe before I leave."

"I think you have some homework to do. How about getting a head start on that, so tonight, we can do whatever we want?"

I stood from the recliner and held out my hand.

"Go break in your new desk in your room. Let me know if you need any help."

"Okay. See you later, Caden." Her lips drooped into a disappointed frown as she looped her arms around his neck for a hug.

"I'm here for a little while longer unless your uncle throws me out. Do what you have to do, kiddo."

She nodded and headed upstairs to her bedroom. Along with the purple comforter and sheets, I'd bought her a new desk and chair. My mother assured me it was the perfect little girl's room, but I knew a perfect room for her was still in her old apartment with her mother.

Sometimes, it seemed like we were slapping Band-Aids over all the ways Maddie was hurting with new toys and activities. But what other choice did we have?

"So, Coach Emily is a big hit, huh?" Caden said with a smirk as he sat back on the couch and crossed his legs. "I knew she'd be great with kids. She has that kind of way about her."

"And what way is that?"

"Relax," Caden said, shaking his head with a groan. "I meant that she has a nice, easy way about her. And it's kind of funny how you keep getting pushed back together."

"Keep? She's my niece's soccer coach."

"Think about it. You see each other for the first time in twenty years right after you moved back?—"

"At the high school reunion the whole class was invited to."

"Okay, that doesn't count, I guess," he conceded. "But then the therapist tells you that Maddie needs an activity to keep her occupied. She picks soccer. You find Coach Emily. I don't know. I'm seeing a lot of dots." He moved his finger back and forth in the air.

"You would." I blew out a breath.

"Anyway, I didn't know that Sabrina was her assistant."

"I didn't know either until she was at the first practice."

Even though I'd sworn I'd keep quiet, I couldn't help asking anyway.

"I'm going to be blunt. Are you starting something up with her again?"

His smile faded to a scowl. "Didn't you ask me that already?"

"No. I asked you if you were hooking up with Sabrina. Not if you were starting something up with her. Different things."

"Either way, what's wrong with it? We have fun together when we go out. And I like her. I always did. Why should two people be alone if they don't have to be?"

"There's being alone, and then there's using people as placeholders." I raised a brow.

"I never said I was using her as a placeholder. I genuinely enjoy her company. If our time together leads to naked company, then…"

My head whipped to the staircase, hoping Maddie was far enough out of earshot.

"Consenting adults and all that. No judgment, right?" He stretched his arm along the top of the couch cushion and lifted a brow.

"I'm not judging you. I just hope you both know what you're doing."

"Right now, we aren't doing anything." He rested his elbows on his knees and raked a hand through his dark hair. "When do you see Coach Emily again?"

"Practice."

"But you'll text her later, right? I caught you mooning over your phone twice now. Just like old times."

"We text back and forth about Maddie mostly," I told him through gritted teeth. "Don't read into it."

He arched a brow. "About Maddie mostly. Excuse me for calling bullshit. Hell, I'm happy for you. No need to snap at me."

"I don't have time for whatever you're thinking is between Emily and me. We've managed to break the ice enough between us to be friends and take away most of the complications for my niece's sake."

"Right." He dragged out the word. "No complications besides the fact that your high school feelings are still an adult reality, but you're too chickenshit to say it?"

"I'm not."

"But you are, man." He laughed to himself. "What is the big deal? She's single, you're single?—"

"Soccer is the first thing Maddie's been excited about in a long time, and she really likes Emily. I don't want to make it weird for her if we start something up and then it goes wrong."

"So, it's not weird now?"

I glowered at the smug smile curving his lips.

"It's a…containable weird."

A groan rose from Caden's throat.

"If, for argument's sake, you tried and it didn't work out, Emily wouldn't take it out on Maddie. You're both adults. You go to practice, go to the games, and suck it up for the rest of the season."

"It's not that simple." I pushed off the chair and headed toward the coffeepot in the kitchen. Thoughts of how not simple it was between Emily and me had given me many nights of shitty, restless sleep.

"It is from where I'm sitting, dude."

I could blame it on what Dr. Asher had said about not bringing anyone into Maddie's life who I wasn't sure would be there permanently, but there was more to my hesitation than that.

I poured cream into my coffee, inching the spoon around the mug because I didn't want to hear what I knew Caden was about to say—or should say.

"You forget, I was there that summer. You were all torn up over her for months. If you guys have another chance, I don't get why you wouldn't take it?"

"Because if I do," I said, focusing on the inside of my coffee mug, "then I am right back to where I was twenty years ago when I realized we had to break up."

Caden's brow furrowed. "I'm not following. You said you broke up with her because it wouldn't work with her going to school so far away."

"I broke up with her because I knew I couldn't be what she wanted or needed, regardless of whether or not she realized it."

"And how does that apply now?" Caden pressed.

"Now, I have a kid. A troubled kid who is grieving her mother. I'm grieving her mother. I'm taking her to a therapist and should probably pick one for myself at some point. I couldn't be what Emily needed then, and I have nothing to give her now. I won't hurt and disappoint her again."

I let out a long gust of air and dropped my head back.

"So yes, I'm a chickenshit. I fully admit it. Happy?" I downed the rest of the coffee, lukewarm from being out for so long and all the milk I'd poured into it, and I placed the mug in the sink.

Even though I insisted on space between us, I gravitated to her all the same, and if I didn't watch myself, it wouldn't end well.

"I'm too fucking old for this. At thirty-eight, I shouldn't lose half a night of sleep because my high school girlfriend is back in my life."

"That stuff doesn't have time limits. Trust me, I wish there were some kind of magic switch to make you stop caring about someone, but…" He lifted a shoulder. "Timelines for that kind of thing are out of our control."

He flicked his wrist to glance at his watch.

"Let me say goodbye to Maddie. I have shit to do today. I wish I knew what to tell you, but I would rather be the guy who tried and it didn't work out than the one who was too scared to do anything and had nothing but regrets in the end."

I nodded, agreeing with Caden but still clueless as to what to do about it.

"Her therapist even told me it's okay to go out and have a good time. That it's self-care. But it feels wrong to go out with Emily or anyone else, knowing how little I have to give."

"Anyone else?" Caden's eyes narrowed. "Are you getting offers that you're not telling me about?"

"I've had nothing but offers for help from the single mothers I've met on the team. Playdates, lunches, dinners to get my mind off things…"

Caden cracked up. "Are you serious? You're getting hit on at your kid's soccer practice? That is fucking hysterical."

"It's exhausting. And I'm not taking Maddie to any playdates unless she asks. Because if she doesn't really know the kid, I have to stay there with her and?—"

"Be cornered with more offers?" He snickered. "And what does Coach Emily think of all the new attention you're getting?"

"I'm sure she's been too busy with the kids to notice anything or care."

"Hmm, I wouldn't be so sure. Watch her next practice. I agree with your niece." He laughed as he headed toward the stairs. "Soccer seems fun."