7. Emily

EMILY

"Hey, are you okay?"

Penny put a hand on my shoulder as I shoved the file folder with all the coach and league materials into my bag.

When I spotted the sympathy pulling at her features, I nodded back even though I had no idea how to answer.

After the parents and the kids had filtered out of the space, we'd had a little meeting to discuss rules and regulations and what we had to do before the first practice.

It was nothing unexpected, as I'd played in a league exactly like this as a kid, and I had a lot of great memories on the field and hanging out with my friends at Pizza Hut after a game.

After Penny had convinced me to be a coach, I'd gotten excited to plan those fun little events for my team and relive a little of the great experience I'd had.

Any ideas or plans I'd been thinking about had been forgotten as I'd fixated on one parent and child for the rest of the afternoon.

Seeing Jesse here signing up his daughter, much less signing her up to be on my team, had been unexpected, but I'd been confident I'd find a way to manage.

Finding out his daughter really wasn't his daughter, and that he was taking care of his deceased sister's child was jarring and heartbreaking enough to rattle me for the rest of the day.

I'd forced myself to make small talk with parents and kids and half listened to Penny's coach instructions. Memories of Tessa floated around in my head, each one deepening the dull ache in my chest.

She had been the cutest little thing. Maybe not little, as she'd always been tall for her age, but she'd been the girliest girl I'd ever known. Every time I'd stepped foot into Jesse's house, she'd dragged me by the hand to her bedroom to show me her new dolls or a cool pair of earrings from the little store at the mall that I just had to see.

I'd remembered her as a sweet bubble of love and light and the pride and joy of her entire family—especially her big brother.

They'd never had that naturally combative relationship that my other friends with siblings closer in age had because he'd looked out for her like a parent rather than a brother most of the time. Despite how they'd squabble when she'd knock on his bedroom door at all the wrong moments when I was there, he could never hide how much he loved having her around.

I still couldn't imagine the pain he and his parents had gone through when they'd lost her.

I'd noticed after a quick scan of my team's roster that Maddie's last name was Evans. I'd taken that to mean her biological father wasn't in the picture, and that Tessa had been a single mother. Even though we'd lived with my grandparents, my own single mother was my entire world, and imagining what it would have been like to grow up without her was so unfathomable, I couldn't even think of it in hypothetical terms.

My heart broke—for Maddie, for Jesse and his parents, and for Tessa, who'd died so young and would miss out on most of her daughter's life.

"It's both strange and great to be back on a field." I tried for an easy smile, but the effort to push it across my lips was taxing.

When Penny laughed, I was hopeful that I might've been convincing.

"Listen, I'm sorry if I put you on the spot with Jesse's niece. He'd asked if she could be on the same team as Jeffrey, and since I'd already put him with you and I was still adding players to your team, I thought it made the most sense. But I should have pulled you aside and asked you first."

"You didn't put me on the spot. It's fine, really." I looped my bag strap over my shoulder. "We're all adults, and like I told you, Jesse and I hashed everything out, so there's no bad blood between us. I can absolutely handle it, so please don't worry."

"Okay, good. What a shame, right?" Penny clicked her tongue against her teeth and shook her head. "He didn't go into it, but it feels like there's a tragic story there. Wasn't his sister young?"

"She was," I said, clearing my throat around the lump I hadn't been able to swallow away for most of the afternoon.

In my mind, Tessa was exactly as I'd left her, about eight years old—her daughter's age.

When Maddie spoke, I couldn't get over how much she both looked and sounded like her mother. It was a double gut punch to both find out she was gone and to meet this eerily accurate replica of her.

Where was all this grief coming from?

When I'd run into Jesse at the reunion, because we hadn't seen each other for so long, the events of the past had been fresh and raw. I was taking the news of Tessa's passing as if it had just happened after the last time we'd played with her Barbies—the week before Jesse and I had broken up.

The sympathy or empathy or whatever I was feeling for the Evans family overwhelmed me, settling into my chest, and had made it hard to take in a full breath since I'd watched them leave the field. Jesse had kept hold of Maddie's hand as he'd led her outside, the silhouette of them reminding me so much of him and his sister I had almost sobbed.

"You should have everything," Penny said, motioning to my bag. "A list of cell phone numbers and emails for the parents and a list of rules from the league, which are pretty self-explanatory and haven't changed much since we were kids—other than the social media stuff." She bumped my shoulder with hers. "I'm glad I convinced you to sign on this year. It's like old times."

"I'm glad you twisted my arm too. Thanks for asking me." I tapped her arm and headed to the parking lot, where I could obsess over Jesse and his family in private on the drive back to my apartment.

While what had happened to Tessa was none of my business, I needed to know. I wanted to help, even if I didn't have a clue where to begin.

I sorted out all the coaching materials and tacked up the list of parent cell phone numbers to my kitchen whiteboard, my eyes lingering on Jesse's name and number.

Was contacting Jesse the right or even appropriate thing to do? I wasn't sure, but right or wrong, I wouldn't be able to sit still tonight until I reached out.

I pulled out my phone and cued up a text message, staring at the blank screen while I pondered what the hell to say. I couldn't think of any excuse to contact him other than the truth.

Me: Hey, it's Emily. Apologies for the random message, but I can't stop thinking about all of you. I'm so, so sorry, Jesse. I wish there was something I could do.

Three dots popped on the screen almost immediately. My heart seized each time they'd stop and start again.

Jesse: Thanks, Em. I appreciate that. I wish there was something anyone could do too, but we're getting by. Or trying to anyway.

Me: Would you maybe like to get another cup of coffee or another piece of cake sometime? Cake can't solve everything, but it may help a little in the moment.

I cringed at my attempt at a dopey joke.

Me: I'm here if you need to talk. I just wanted you to know that.

I put my phone down and pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes.

What was I doing? I truly had no idea, and yet I couldn't turn back.

Jesse: Instead of dessert, how does dinner sound? My mother took Maddie for a sleepover tonight, and I was thinking of heading to the new bar and grill on 110 since everyone tells me I should leave the house more often. I know it's short notice, but would you want to join me?

I hadn't expected him to agree to meet so fast or so soon. I was hurt that he hadn't trusted me enough to tell me who the child was on his phone screen. Hell, he hadn't even acknowledged her.

We'd kept everything superficial, which had been fine with me at the time. I never would have known about Maddie if fate's fucked-up sense of humor hadn't made me her new soccer coach. I understood why he'd kept Tessa's death and his new role as a father to himself since we'd already gotten through enough emotional truths and reveals for one night. While it hurt that he hadn't confided in me, imagining what he and his entire family had gone through upset me more. He'd never asked for my help once I knew, but I had a burning need to offer it anyway.

Why the need bordered on obsession was something I'd worry about later.

Me:Sure. Is 7 okay?

This time, I was the one pushing for us to talk things out, at least to prevent any awkward moments between Jesse and me that could make Maddie uncomfortable if she picked up on anything. But more than that, regardless of if it was my business, or who Jesse was or wasn't to me anymore, I needed to know what had happened to his sister.

I pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant Jesse had suggested, taking everything in on my way inside. I scanned the dining space next to the bar with various large-screen TVs hanging along the walls playing different games without sound, and I stilled when I spotted Jesse.

No man had a right to be that stunning in a simple T-shirt and jeans, and for the reasons we were meeting tonight, it shouldn't have been the first thing I noticed. He leaned his elbows onto the table and was about to take a pull from a tall glass of what looked like beer when his gaze snagged on mine.

He set down the glass, a smile curving his lips as he popped off the high seat and came over to me.

"Hey, Em."

I felt more than heard his raspy greeting over the din of the small crowd, yelling at something happening on one of the screens.

We stared at each other for a long minute, that same lump from earlier today scratching at the back of my throat.

"Hey. Thanks for inviting me."

I'd noticed the extra layer of stubble covering his cheeks earlier today, and had tried to ignore how it'd made him even more attractive, if that was possible. I held back a laugh, remembering how he and Caden had tried and failed to grow goatees in high school.

But he'd been a boy then. Now, he was a man with a life and struggles that I had no idea about. I'd come here tonight to learn more and not just tell him how sorry I was about a thousand more times, although, at the moment, that was all I had.

"Have a seat." He gestured to the chair across the table. "I waited for you to order. I've only been here once, but the burgers are good, unless you're on a soccer diet."

I laughed at the smirk tipping up the side of his mouth and climbed into the seat.

"I'm only coaching, not playing. I won't put the kids through the same drills I had to suffer through in high school and college. It's less about building muscle than making sure my team doesn't destroy the field."

My smile deepened despite myself as Jesse chuckled.

"I can enjoy a burger tonight with no worries."

"I told the waitress a high table was fine, but if you'd rather a booth?—"

"No, I'm good here." I set my purse down at the end of the table. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Thanks for reaching out. I was surprised that you still had my cell phone number."

I laughed as I picked up a menu.

"Full disclosure, I deleted your number during my first semester of college." I sent him a sheepish grin. "I read your number off the team roster. I shouldn't have used a parent's cell phone for personal reasons, but…" I stilled, not sure how to explain the burning need I'd had to talk again. "I was concerned about you. All of you."

Jesse shut his eyes and nodded. "I know you probably have a lot of questions."

"I do, and most of them are none of my business, I'm sure, so feel free to tell me that. But what I'm not understanding the most is why you didn't just tell me about Maddie when we went to the diner, especially since you asked me for the purpose of talking things out."

He propped his elbow on the table and rubbed at his temple.

"You're absolutely right. I didn't bring up Maddie or Tessa because I felt that we had enough emotions to get through for one night. After I dropped you off, I was relieved, yet exhausted."

"Same," I agreed. "I didn't know if you were married or a single dad or what. And, honestly, I didn't have the guts to ask."

"I sweated it out a little when it looked like you were going to." He let out a nervous laugh. "We ended up in a nice place," he said with a shrug. "At least, I thought so. I wanted to take you home and hold on to the good from that night. And if I'm being honest…" he started, darting his eyes away from mine.

"Please do."

"That is why when you asked if I could go out sometime for another cup of coffee, I really didn't answer you. I'm not sure how to be…this yet or how to compartmentalize it enough to still have any kind of life for myself."

I narrowed my eyes.

"I just asked you for coffee at some random point in the future. I didn't propose," I joked.

"No," he said with a chuckle. "Since…Maddie…I don't even see Caden that much. Even having a drink with my oldest friend at the bar feels weird. I can't explain it."

I nodded, trying to process all he'd said.

"And, if I could be honest about another thing. Even though the conversation was tense at times, I liked being with you again. I didn't want to upset you or ruin a nice night, but I'm sure telling you then would have been better than finding out today."

I opened my mouth to say something, but the words caught in my throat. I would have been blindsided either way, but at the diner, I would have been able to be shocked and upset without anyone but Jesse watching.

Which, I agreed, would have ruined the nice end of our night, but now it didn't seem as genuine.

"Hi, what can I get you?" the waitress asked us during our long lull of silence.

He nodded at me.

"I'm sure you need a drink too."

"Yeah, it would be nice." I nodded and turned to the waitress. "I'd like a hard cider. And I guess a cheeseburger deluxe. Medium."

"I'll have the same," Jesse said and handed her our menus.

"So," he said, scooting closer to the table. "What do you want to know?"

He searched my gaze with an expression I couldn't decipher.

He was wary yet hopeful, as if he wanted to unload on me, but he didn't know if he could.

I leaned back, resting my elbows on the table. "How old was Tessa when she had Maddie? I was trying to do the math, but I think she was a teenager."

"Not quite. She was twenty, in college for nursing. She had a steady boyfriend whom I wasn't crazy about, but my parents told me to back off because I was being a little too big brother."

"I can see that," I said, nodding a thank-you to the waitress as she set down my drink. I took a long sip from the glass as I waited for him to continue. "I always pitied Tessa for when she'd start dating because I knew you'd be relentless."

A quick smile curved his mouth.

"I tried to stay cordial and cautious when I'd see him on long weekends and holidays I'd come home."

I had to laugh at the tic in Jesse's jaw.

"Despite what you may think, I did try to keep an open mind."

"I know you did." I tilted my head. "Mostly."

I grinned when I pulled a tiny smile out of him.

"You mean when you'd come home from Seattle?"

"Yes. I tried to come home whenever I could, a weekend or so a month, or whenever I had a long break. One Thanksgiving, they were all waiting for me at the kitchen table like someone had just died. Tessa had just told them she was pregnant, and other than offering her money for an abortion that she didn't want to have, her boyfriend didn't want to have anything to do with her or the baby. I flipped out, as you can imagine, but managed to stop myself when Tessa started crying."

"Because you wanted to kill him?"

"Wanted?" He scoffed. "That will never be past tense. Anyway, she still lived with my parents, so they all agreed she'd finish school while my parents took care of the baby." Jesse shrugged. "We were disappointed, not in Tessa but at this turn her life had taken. Everything was going to be a lot harder for her than we wanted it to be."

He took a long sip from his beer glass and lifted his head, a slow grin splitting his mouth.

"And then Maddie was born, and we all fell too much in love with her to think of her as anything other than a blessing."

My heart broke all over again when Jesse's eyes glossed over.

"For most of Maddie's life, I was the uncle with all the presents and fun trips. She loved to FaceTime me about everything at school and cool things she did with her mother and—" his smile faded as he shook his head "—I'll never forgive myself for not moving back sooner. At least I could have spent more time with them both in person rather than on a screen."

I shook my head and reached out for his hand because I couldn't help myself. "You had no idea what would happen, so you can't blame yourself for that. We always think we have more time than we do."

He took a long sip of beer and lifted a shoulder.

"Tessa always looked exhausted whenever we talked. She said it was because she was getting used to night shifts at the hospital and blew me off. Maddie had just turned six, and Tessa was finally able to move into an apartment of her own. She insisted it was probably the stress of settling in. While I had a bad feeling there was more to it, I'd never suspected leukemia."

The devastation combined with obvious guilt drained Jesse's features.

The waitress brought our burgers over, both of us muttering a thank-you as we stayed silent and still.

"I keep saying it, but I'm so sorry," I said, swallowing after I caught my voice crack.

"I know," he said so softly, his words were almost inaudible. "When Maddie was born, Tessa asked me if I could be Maddie's guardian just in case of anything, and of course, I agreed. Toward…the end…I told her that I wouldn't be insulted if she wanted to give Maddie to my parents instead, but she swore she still wanted me."

"Of course she did." I tried to smile despite the tears pricking my eyes. "You were always her first choice for everything."

"Well, this time, I keep wondering what the hell she was thinking. Maddie's therapist said to get her involved in an extracurricular activity, and Maddie asked to join soccer before I even had a chance to research or suggest anything."

I glanced at the huge burger and the mountain of fries in front of me, too sick for Jesse and his family to want to take a bite.

"That's a lot."

"It has been," he mumbled around a mouthful of food. "But I grasp at signs that she's maybe settling in with me. Like today. She looked like she was having fun or was at least excited about the prospect of having fun later on."

"And then you found out I was her coach."

A smile broke out on his face as he chewed.

"Yes, that was a little bit of a surprise. It shouldn't have been, same as I shouldn't have been surprised to see Penny there since I think she carried a soccer ball under her arm all through high school," he joked as he set down his burger.

"I think it's a good thing that you're her coach. A great thing." A grin split his mouth. "I know you'll do everything you can to make this an awesome experience for her."

"Well, I'm going to try," I said, picking up a fry and working myself up to taking a bite.

"I know you'll do more than just try. Maddie is in great hands with you. It's another good sign."

"Well, I'll take that compliment. I'm sure you're adjusting to being back on Long Island too."

"That isn't much of an adjustment. I came back and forth as much as I could, when I wasn't putting in crazy hours. The job I have now is busy but manageable, which it has to be since it's not just me to consider anymore."

I guessed Jesse had been unattached for a while if he could just pick up and move back, but that question, I was keeping to myself. If he wasn't ready for a drink with a friend at a bar, he probably didn't have much of a personal life. And while knowing he was single relieved me in ways it shouldn't have, I hated thinking of him so isolated.

"So, that's the whole story." He tipped back the rest of his beer and drained the glass. "Stop worrying about me and eat your dinner," he teased, nodding his chin to my full plate.

"Do you know what this reminds me of?" I mused as I reached for the ketchup bottle. "The first weekend after your dad gave you his Corolla, and we were supposed to go out but your parents had to visit your Aunt Lu because she was sick, so they left Tessa with you?"

Jesse's eyes shut as he nodded.

"We had the whole night planned out, and Tessa begged us to take her to that arcade." Jesse rolled his eyes.

"Yes, and she played pinball until her thumbs cramped, and we dragged her to the diner next door. She said she needed an extra big cheeseburger from playing so hard, but we had to cut it into pieces before she could wrap her hands around it." I chuckled despite the burn at the back of my throat.

"And then she only ate the fries." He laughed to himself.

"It wasn't a bad night, though. She was so tired and full, she passed out on the way home and…" I set down my burger, heat bleeding into my cheeks and down the back of my neck.

"I kissed you to christen my new car, thinking Tessa was still sleeping," he finished for me, popping his brows.

"Then she asked your mom the next time I came over why people kissed with their mouths open, because when you and I did it that way in the car, it looked gross. I wanted to both laugh and die at the same time."

"For a tall kid, she was sneaky enough. And Maddie is just like that. She's like a ninja."

"Your parents laughed at it." I pointed a fry at him. "It wouldn't have been such a cute story to my mother."

The laugh we shared eased my stomach enough to attempt to eat. I caught Jesse staring at me as I took the first bite.

"What? I thought you wanted me to eat."

"You know, not many girlfriends would have tolerated that. My sister never left you alone. Sometimes I'd have to drag you out of her bedroom and remind her you were there to see me."

"I was there to see you, but—" I swallowed, the meat going down slowly around that stupid lump that had reappeared in my throat. "She was very easy to love and never a bother. Any girlfriend who wasn't a jerk would have enjoyed her, not simply tolerated her."

"Be that as it may," he said, his sexy smile killing me. "I'd remind Tessa all the time how lucky we both were to have you."

Talking about the old times we'd shared with his sister felt good because she wasn't connected to any old resentments. I wished I could see Tessa one more time and meet the awesome woman I was sure she'd grown into.

I'd have to settle for coaching her daughter and looking out for her brother, no matter if the thoughts I'd leave with tonight weren't simply friendly and helpful. I doubted they ever would be, but thoughts and feelings were one thing, and actions were another. I had to at least keep control of those if any of this was going to work.

"Where are you parked?" Jesse asked me after we paid the check.

"In the back of the lot," I said as we made our way out the main entrance. "This was nice. I'm glad I broke league policy and abused the use of your cell phone number."

"I'll walk you. And I'm glad you did too," Jesse said, examining me as we headed toward my car.

I didn't know how to part ways this time. Did I offer to be friends again? Promise to watch over his niece? Or did I ignore it all—starting with the intensity in Jesse's gaze under the streetlights?

Before I knew it, Jesse wrapped his arms around me and pulled me flush to his body.

I stiffened from the surprise for a minute before I hugged him back and dropped my head against his shoulder.

After all the emotion of the day, I shouldn't have noticed how good he smelled. I registered a new cologne mixed with the salty and sweet scent that was always Jesse. My nose burned when he exhaled against me, his chest deflating as if he'd been holding it in for a long time.

"Thank you," he whispered as he inched away, dropping his hands before draping one over his eyes. "I'm sorry. That was beyond inappropriate?—"

"But necessary," I said, grabbing his biceps. "I wasn't offended, if that's what you're concerned about. I felt the same relief."

The embrace had been unexpected but soothed something in me too. I wasn't sure if it was Jesse possibly accepting my help or the old comfort and thrill from being close to him.

"I understand wanting space to figure things out, but don't isolate yourself so much. Promise me that."

I grabbed his hand, letting my palm graze his as I squeezed. Familiar tingles ran up my arm as he smiled and squeezed back.

"I can do that. And if you don't mind a guy whining into his beer glass sometimes, it would be nice to do this again."

I nodded, letting out a long and hopefully quiet exhale to calm the old butterflies still spry enough to flutter in my stomach.

"I would really like that. And thanks for the vote of confidence as a coach. It's been a minute since I stripped off my cleats for the last time."

"Nah," he said, shaking his head. "I'm sure you've more than still got it, Legs." He pulled me in for a half hug and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "Thanks again for tonight. It helped more than you know."

Legs. I'd forgotten about that nickname and how Jesse would whisper it in my ear before he'd run his mouth up and down my body, focusing on the insides of my thighs.

I wondered if the same dirty images flashed in his mind as his teasing grin melted away and he pressed his forehead against mine. Most of our time together had been sweet, but as we'd grown and explored each other, sweet had given way to passion so explosive, neither of us had known what to do with it.

My heels dug into the gravel of the parking lot as I watched Jesse head to his car.

Old memories shouldn't be sharp enough to hurt.