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5. Jesse

JESSE

"Didyou see a lot of your friends last night?"

I smiled at Maddie's reflection in my rearview mirror. She looked so much like her mother. Sometimes it was a comfort and momentary balm to all the grief, and sometimes it was a gut punch, especially as the resemblance to my sister seemed to deepen each day.

She was only eight years old, but because she was so tall, she was often mistaken for ten or twelve. Despite her height, she was a young eight—affectionate and clingy—and we were all too happy to indulge her. Her legs would drag on the floor whenever she'd climb into my lap, but I'd never deny her the reassurance that we both needed.

"I did. Not as many as I thought I would, but it was fun to see how everyone changed."

"Kind of like when you go back to school after summer, and everyone looks different."

"Exactly. But this is after twenty summers, so everyone looked really different."

I reached back and squeezed her legging-covered knee until I pulled a giggle out of her.

"I thought maybe you were going on a date."

My eyes met hers in the rearview mirror.

"You did?" I said, recalling how she'd eyed me with suspicion as I'd slipped my feet into the black loafers I'd kept for special occasions—or any other time I couldn't show up in jeans and boots. "What made you jump to that conclusion?"

"You were dressed up." Maddie peered at me with the same big brown eyes as her mother had had and scrutinized me the same way. "And Grams said I couldn't stay up to wait for you."

"And all those clues told you that I had a date?" I asked, smiling until I spotted a frown pulling at her lips.

"Could've been a funeral too. You wore those shoes to church." Her voice was a quiet whisper as she dropped her chin to her chest.

As usual, my niece was an observant little girl. I'd worn those shoes the day we'd said goodbye to her mother and she'd officially come to live with me. She had always been on the shy and quiet side but took in every single thing around her. She'd even picked up on the tension in my embrace when she'd hugged me goodbye as I'd stressed over possibly seeing Emily later that night.

"No funerals or dates, kiddo. Just a long, boring night in a dining hall and dessert with an old friend after."

"Was dessert fun?" She perked up and leaned forward. "Where did you go?"

Her innocent question jabbed me in the chest. Dessert with my friend had been the most important part of the entire night, because it was the one part of the evening I couldn't stop thinking about.

"It was. We went to the diner for coffee and a piece of cake." I tried to sound flippant and casual, mostly for my own denial. My ex-girlfriend living rent-free in my brain, along with the feel of her lips on my cheek, had at least distracted me from the usual knots in my stomach today.

"I love diner cake." Her brown eyes lit up as a smile bloomed on her face. "And diner pancakes."

"Yes, I know you're a big diner fan," I said, forcing an easy smile as I pulled into the medical office's parking lot for Maddie's therapist. "Maybe we can stop there on the way back?"

I both dreaded and looked forward to this appointment. Her pediatrician had suggested therapy to help her grieve and adjust to all the changes in her life, and I'd gladly agreed, grabbing all the assistance we could get.

We'd done the best we could to prepare her, but we were all going through our own stages of denial and, later, mourning. Losing someone so important and upending life as we all knew it was a huge struggle for our entire family.

Maddie had been opening up more and more, but it would come in short spurts, like recognizing the shoes I wore to her mother's funeral or one heartbreaking night a couple of weeks ago when she'd asked how long I was going to let her stay with me. I'd told her that I wanted her to stay forever, but I had no way of knowing if that was the reassurance she'd needed or if it had made her feel worse.

My sister becoming a single mother at twenty had been a shock to all of us, but we'd all fallen hard and fast for her daughter. I'd had the easiest relationship with this kid from the day she was born, with nothing but love and fun between us.

All the love was still there, but the fun wasn't so easy now that the dynamic had changed. With Maddie's father out of the picture before she had even been born, Tessa had asked me to be Maddie's guardian "just in case." When just in case became a reality rather than an unlikely possibility, my sister had still insisted she wanted her daughter with me.

We were ten years apart, and while we'd argued at times, we had never been at each other's throats like my friends and their siblings. My parents used to joke that Tessa thought I'd hung the moon and would fight anyone who said otherwise, and my favorite part of coming home after school was hearing her squeal my name before she'd rush toward me.

I'd never refused my sister anything, in life or…now. But I'd never been so terrified of letting her down.

Going from uncle to full-time parent was the biggest adjustment of my life, but I did everything I could to make our new condo a home for Maddie. As comfortable as I tried to make her feel, I knew there were things she couldn't talk to me about—at least not yet.

"Who is this lady I have to talk to?" Maddie asked as I pulled my truck into a spot.

"She's a doctor." I unbuckled my seat belt and shifted to face her.

"Yeah, that's what Grams said. But I'm not sick." She rested her head against the inside of the car door.

I was very lucky that this therapist saw patients on Saturday mornings. I wouldn't have to worry about taking off from work or pulling her out of school if we made this a regular thing. Therapy would simply be another part of our weekend routine of holding it together—or doing our best to act like it.

"No, she's not that kind of a doctor. She's a doctor for feelings. All you have to do is tell her anything that pops into your head."

She tapped her lips with her finger as if she was mulling it over. A smile broke out across my lips when she nodded.

Anytime I thought I'd gotten through to my niece, even a little bit, equal parts of exhilaration and relief would course through me. My parents kept stressing to take baby steps, but I'd take the slightest pull in the right direction as a tiny victory.

"Okay. I'll talk to the doctor."

I stepped out of the car and made my way to the back seat to open her door. She wrapped her arms around my waist after she climbed out and peered up at me, her brown eyes fixed on mine as she gave me a hopeful smile. "I'll try to do a good job, Uncle Jesse."

I shook my head, forcing out a laugh to hold in the sob in the back of my throat that wanted to break free.

"Don't worry about doing a good job. Just tell her the truth, whatever it is. I'm already proud of you for being brave enough to speak to someone new." I bent to press a kiss to the top of her head. "Okay?"

She whispered an okay back and grabbed my hand. We ambled through the parking lot toward the entrance in silence.

I'm trying here, Tessa. I'm really, really trying.

"This must be Maddie," Dr. Asher said as she greeted us in the waiting room, crouching in front of Maddie. "I'm Dr. Asher."

"Hi," Maddie said in an almost inaudible whisper.

"Did your uncle tell you anything about me?"

"My uncle Jesse told me that I can talk to you about whatever I want."

Dr. Asher snuck me a smile. "That's right. For the next hour, we can discuss whatever you'd like to talk about. I'm excited to get to know you." She motioned to her open office door.

"I'll be right here when you're done." I pointed to the chair behind me.

I had come to meet Dr. Asher last week to feel her out before I introduced her to Maddie. I'd liked her instantly after she'd managed to put me at ease in the first fifteen minutes. She was an older woman, but not as old as my mother. Her hair was platinum and fell slightly past her shoulders, but she had a grandmotherly way about her. I figured Maddie needed all the women in her life that she could get at the moment.

I settled into a chair and tried to exhale a calming breath after Dr. Asher closed the door behind them.

Right now, her sessions were just one-on-one, but I would be able to speak to Dr. Asher for a few minutes after.

After I dug my phone out of my pocket, I noticed a text from Caden once I swiped up.

Caden: You should have come out last night. It was fun. A lot more fun than that stupid reunion.

Me:I'm glad you had fun, but I wasn't feeling like hanging out at a bar with people I hardly remember.

Caden: And you were in a rush to take Emily home after you dumped me. Really took me back to high school.

Me: Emily and I stopped at the diner on the way home.

I watched the texting buttons pop up then stop, then pop up again for a long minute and go away.

Caden:So, did she, like, throw coffee at you or smash a slice of pie in your face?

A chuckle slipped out, as I'd almost expected her to at one point.

Me: No. We talked. It was good. I think she might understand why I was such an asshole back then.

Caden: And I heard she's single. Sabrina told me she's been mostly unattached since she broke up with her fiancé a while ago.

Fiancé? It was further than I'd ever gotten with a woman, and I wasn't sure why the thought of Emily engaged to someone stung.

Or I was sure, but I didn't want to acknowledge it.

Caden: Maybe this is your chance. Second time's the charm and all that.

Me:That's not how the saying goes.

Caden: Whatever. That girl has been under your skin since day one, and now you finally have another shot.

Me: It was a ride to the diner to clear the air. I wouldn't call it a chance.

Caden:But you could.

I dropped my chin to my chest and groaned. Caden was the only one who could be just as big of an exasperating jackass in text as in person.

Me: You know as well as I do that I can't. I am not available for her or anyone. No charms, no chances. I'm very glad she doesn't hate me, and it was a nice end to the night. That's it. Please drop it.

Caden: Your sister would hate this. She'd roll her eyes at you just as much as I am now. Just because you have a kid to take care of doesn't mean you have to be a monk.

Me: Right now, only one woman has my attention. And she needs all of it.

Caden: Did you tell Emily about Maddie?

Me: No. I think she assumed I had a kid, and I didn't bring it up or correct her.

Caden: That's your call. A stroll down the good part of memory lane for a night or two wouldn't hurt, but I'll drop it.

Me: You hooked up with Sabrina again, didn't you?

Caden: No, I didn't hook up with her, but I'm thinking about it. What's the big deal? She's still hot. She's single. I'm single. We both had shitty divorces we'd like to forget.

Me: You always used each other to forget.

Caden: And it always worked. With no hard feelings.

Me: Just fistfights after school with whoever you'd both piss off.

Caden: Don't be jealous of our system. We could even double-date if you wanted to.

Me: Did you not hear anything I just said?

Caden: I did, but I'm trying to ignore it. Seriously, Tessa wouldn't want this, and you know it.

I let my head fall back as I clenched my eyes shut. Tessa would hate this, especially if I ever had the chance to reconnect with Emily again.

And while I couldn't argue how annoyed she'd be at my missed chance, charm, or whatever, she'd appreciate me making her daughter my priority, especially now.

Maybe I could think of dating in the distant future, but not in the present, regardless of who I was interested in—or trying not to be interested in, as was the case now.

Me: Be that as it may, I need to figure out how to be a father first, and that means no distractions.

Caden:I get that. I just wanted you to give yourself a break, but I'll lay off for the moment. Good luck with the therapy session.

I shoved the phone back into my pocket and scrubbed a hand down my face. In another time and place, would I consider starting something up with Emily again?

Absofuckinglutely.

Seeing her again for the first time in twenty years rattled me, and all the old feelings I'd never given either of us a chance to deal with bubbled right to the surface. Considering how I couldn't shake the imprint of her soft lips on my cheek or how my head spun too fast when I got close to her, distance was the only option I could handle.

Even if her offer to meet up again registered like a siren song.

I was lonely, uncertain, and usually just this side of terrified since I'd become a full-time parent. Emily had always been the one to soothe me when we were younger, and I was probably subconsciously seeking out that old comfort. Whatever it was that drew me to her so much, I didn't have time for, and I had to find a way to stop dwelling on it.

I flipped through an old magazine, not reading any of the words, until I heard the door squeak open.

My inclination was to rush over and flood both Maddie and Dr. Asher with questions about how it went, but I held myself back. Maddie's smile was small but bashful, piquing my curiosity even more as to what she'd said during the session. But I had to calm the fuck down and let them both tell me what I needed to know and when.

"Now, sit right here while I talk to your uncle Jesse. There's some loose LEGO in that bin in the corner if you'd like to build."

"She loves to build. She's the proud owner of three LEGO princess castles." I smoothed a lock of hair behind her ear, my chest pinching at her smile widening by a couple of inches as she lifted her head with pride.

I couldn't expect all our problems to be solved in one session, but the almost contentment on my niece's face shot my hopes up. Again.

"I'll only be a minute. Okay, Mad?"

"Okay," she said, heading for the box of LEGO but keeping her eyes on me. I gave her a tiny nod as I followed Dr. Asher.

"I know you probably can't tell me much, but it looks like it went well, maybe."

Dr. Asher's lips curved into a warm smile.

"It did. Took a few minutes to get her to talk, but we had a nice chat. She misses her mother, but she loves staying with you. And she's afraid she's making you feel badly because she's sad her mother isn't here anymore."

"We all hate that her mother isn't here anymore for a million reasons, but the last thing I want is for her to worry about me." I propped my elbow on the arm of the couch and rubbed my temple.

"Kids are perceptive. She sees a family in grief who now has to take care of her like her mother used to. It's a natural reaction."

"I need a better poker face. She shouldn't see me like this," I muttered and rubbed the back of my neck.

"She shouldn't see how much her uncle misses his sister? I disagree. I think working through it together is how you'll all start to heal. And bringing her here is a step in the right direction. Give yourself a break, Jesse."

I got what she was saying, but I still felt too guilty to agree. "Did she mention anything else?"

"She mentioned it felt different starting school next week in her new house without her mother, but she was looking forward to seeing her friends. An extracurricular activity may help distract her a little."

"Like sports?"

Tessa had tried to put her in dance last year, and it hadn't worked out. By the time she'd enrolled her, all the other girls her age had already been in dance for a few years, and they'd made fun of her for being so behind them.

Then my sister got sick, and she couldn't look into anything else.

"Well, maybe you could talk to the school and see if there's a sport she can get involved with or some kind of club. It's not that we want her to avoid dealing with her feelings, but we don't want that to be the only thing she deals with. Make sense?"

"It does. I just… I just need to think." I dropped my gaze to the carpet.

"Don't stress about that. I'm sure if you ask her teacher, she can direct you to something Maddie may like. I think it's important to keep her a kid as much as you can. Children who lose parents grow up very fast, but some fun with friends could go a long way."

"That makes sense," I said, trying to figure out what Maddie could be interested in. Since I worked from home, I could take her back and forth from whatever she chose, but new shame hit me as I had no clue about what she'd want to do.

"I'm trying to get her to pick out things for our new condo. I told her she could choose any decorations she wanted, and she's told me no every time. I understand that she's still adjusting to living with me, but I want her to feel at home, and I don't know how to do that without rushing her."

"That'll come in time. Until then, she seems fine, considering her situation, and it's very obvious that she loves her uncle."

"I love her too. So much. I just… I'm trying to figure out how to be what she needs. Which is why we're here." I motioned around her office and to all the different puzzles and games.

"I could see that." Dr. Asher's mouth curved into a kind smile. "What you have to do is understand that both of you need time to adjust. This is a new situation. Nothing is going to be seamless from the beginning. Let yourself make mistakes along the way. Mistakes are how all parents learn. You just happened to be coming into it beyond the diaper stage."

"Well, I was around for the diaper stage but admittedly not that hands on. I mean, I held her all the time when I'd see her, but…"

We shared a chuckle.

"Be there for her just like you're doing now. And for the condo, maybe buy things you think she'd like and get her opinion that way."

"I'll do that. There's something else I wanted to ask you."

Caden's voice was in my head, and although I knew the answer, having Dr. Asher agree with me would at least give my decision some validation—to whoever was nosy enough to pry, and to myself when I had a weak moment.

"While I have her, especially for these first few months or maybe even years, it's a good idea if I don't date anyone, right?"

Her brows pulled together as she sat back in the chair.

"Are you looking for me to give you permission, or for me to give you an out?"

"I really don't know," I admitted as a nervous chuckle escaped me. "I feel like my attention should be on her and her alone. Some people are telling me that I'm overreacting about it."

"Well, only you could say if you're overreacting. The one thing I would suggest is that you don't introduce somebody new to her right away, unless you are pretty sure that they're going to be a permanent part of your life. But if you want to go out and have a good time sometimes until then, that's allowed." She shrugged. "All parents deserve some self-care and a little time to themselves."

"I suppose," I said, resting my elbows on my knees. Maybe I was looking for an out. The thought of getting lost in Emily again when I knew I wasn't enough for her felt like the worst kind of déjà vu. While I still believed my focus belonged on my niece without any distractions, if I was honest with myself, I didn't mind the barrier and excuse not to try to bring Emily back into my life.

I both wanted her and was terrified at the prospect of being consumed by her all over again and hurting us both.

The only thing I was certain of, leaving this office today, was that I needed my own therapist.

"I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear," Dr. Asher said, her smile full of sympathy.

"No… I mean, that's fine. I understand what you're saying. Thank you."

"Of course. And, listen, you're already doing a great job as a new guardian," she said as she stood and headed toward the door. "My advice to you today is to give yourself some grace as you learn."

"I'll try," I said, meeting her gaze with a chuckle. I did feel a little lighter. At least now, I had sort of a plan and didn't seem to be screwing it all up yet. Try was all I could do.

I found Maddie building a LEGO tower near one of the end tables.

"Come on, kiddo." I reached out my hand. "Diner cake isn't going to eat itself."

Her eyes lit up when her gaze snapped to mine. She grabbed my hand and popped off the floor.

"We will see you next Saturday," I told Dr. Asher as I brushed the hair off Maddie's shoulder when she leaned into my hip.

"That sounds like a plan. It was very nice to meet you, Maddie," Dr. Asher said. "I look forward to hearing about your first week at school."

"Nice to meet you too," Maddie said, still burrowing into my side as I led her out of the waiting room. She was silent as she took hold of my hand and followed me to the parking lot.

"Did you like Dr. Asher?" I asked Maddie as she climbed into my back seat.

"Yeah, she's really nice," she murmured as she buckled her seat belt and looked up at me with wary eyes. "Did she tell you if anything I said was wrong?"

"You didn't say anything wrong. You couldn't. I told you, this is just letting out how you feel. There is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings."

"Yeah, I guess so," she said in a low whisper.

"So, I was thinking that the living room needs new curtains," I said as I pulled out of the parking lot. "What do you think? What's your favorite color?"

"Purple."

"Okay, how about purple curtains?"

"You don't want purple curtains." She shook her head. "You're a boy."

"Hey, purple isn't only a girls' color. Everybody wears purple. And it's not only a boy's place. It's your place too. So how about after the diner, we stop at Target and get some purple curtains?"

I craned my neck toward her at a red light. The smile breaking out on her face scratched at the back of my throat.

"Could I get purple sheets and a blanket for my bed?"

I pulled into a spot in front of the diner and shut off the engine, turning my head to meet her hopeful gaze.

"Mad, you can cover the whole house in purple if you want."

"You wouldn't hate that?" She squinted at me, her adorable nose scrunched up in confusion.

"Nope, and seeing you happy would make me happy, so I couldn't care less what color you'd want everything to be. And I love living with you. Don't ever think I don't, okay?" I squeezed her knee until she lifted her head.

"Okay. I miss Mom, but I really like seeing you every day."

"Same, kiddo." I tapped her leg and climbed out of the car.

Maybe I could do this. I could be the person she could depend on every day, not just somebody to take her to water parks during the summer and hand over her Christmas list to once a year.

I loved seeing her every day too, and I should have moved back a long time ago—for her and for all of them. I wished I could have had both Maddie and my sister, but at least with my niece, I got to keep a piece of Tessa.

I couldn't and wouldn't fail either of them.

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