4. Jesse

JESSE

"Your truck is really nice,"Emily said as I pulled into the diner parking lot.

Every time I'd glanced her direction on the ride to the diner, she'd been focused on the back seat as if she was searching for something.

"Thank you. It's new, so I'm still getting used to all the features. The seats have their own heating and cooling if you want to try it out. One of the few things I've mastered," I joked, hoping I'd get at least a smile out of her, but her face was unreadable when I looked her way.

"Um, no. I'm fine," she said, her eyes once again wandering toward the back.

"Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be sure?"

"Because for most of the drive here, you've been staring into the back seat, like you're looking for something or want to escape." I chuckled, but still nothing from Emily but a quick nod.

It hadn't exactly been comfortable sitting at the same table for the night, but we'd managed easy small talk. Now, her body was rigid with tension as her eyes darted everywhere but in my direction.

Maybe being alone with me kicked up the awkwardness between us. God knew I was nervous. I'd imagined seeing Emily again a million times in a hundred different ways, but I'd never known what I'd say to her.

Tonight, now that she was finally here, I was going with the truth, however it came out of my mouth.

Emily stayed silent as we headed toward the diner entrance, only speaking to the hostess to ask for a table for two.

We slid into opposite sides of one of the vinyl booths, exactly as we had when we were kids. Emily and I had spent hours in this diner, talking about everything and nothing.

It was a big contrast to now, as she looked like she wanted to bolt, but since I was her ride home, I had her cornered—or cornered enough to hear what I had to say.

"So, do you still want just coffee and cake, or something else?"

"Did you really ask me here for just coffee and a piece of cake?" she asked, flinging the laminated menu onto the table.

"No," I said, setting the menu down. "I asked you here because I wanted a chance to explain how we…" I groaned, once again losing any coherent words when it came to Emily. "Why I did what I did that night."

"Explain," Emily said, narrowing her eyes. "Now?"

"I know it's been a really long time, but I've thought about that night—and about you—a lot over the years."

"You did?" She huffed out a laugh. "That's funny because I never heard from you again after that."

So, she did care—at least, enough to glower at me from across the table.

"Okay, fine." She crossed her arms and leaned back. "Explain or say whatever you brought me here to say."

I nodded, sucking in a deep breath before resting my elbows on the table.

"That night, before I got to your house, I was out with some of the guys, and they were talking about you."

"Talking about me?" Emily's brows drew together.

"Yes, talking about you. They always talked about you."

"They did? You never told me that. What did they say?"

I rolled my eyes. "A couple of them used to make stupid jokes about you being a star athlete, if you were that limber when we were alone."

Her brows popped up.

"Ew," she said, her face twisting with disgust. "That's gross."

"Tell me about it. I'd ignore it for the most part—or try to. But they'd always bring you up, like they couldn't believe how lucky I was to have you. I didn't disagree."

I caught an eye roll from her but kept going.

"We were talking about college, and they kept asking me what I was going to do when you became a big soccer star all those hours away, and did I really expect to stay together when every guy on your campus would want you?"

I waited for her reaction, any reaction. Her eyes were still thinned to slits and focused on me, but she said nothing.

"And I knew that. You were so goddamn beautiful and talented." I exhaled with a slow shake of my head. "But I guess I never really thought about what would happen to us until that night. Or I didn't let myself consider it, not really, until then."

I stretched my arm along the back of the seat, my eyes still on Emily's.

"One of them told a story about their older brother trying to have a long-distance relationship with his girl when she went away to school, and when he went up to visit her, he caught her with another guy. All I kept thinking was, how was I going to function with you all the way up there, wondering what you were doing?"

"So, you didn't trust me. Just because of what may or may not have happened to your friend's older brother?"

"Wasn't that I didn't trust you. Well, I guess maybe it was. You were the first girl I ever loved, and thinking of other guys leering at you or you finding someone else made me crazy. I was young, stupid, and scared. I was aware that I was losing you a little already, but that was when it really sank in."

The clench in Emily's jaw loosened a little as her eyes went glossy.

"I didn't know what was more awful, losing you there or losing you here. But I couldn't keep you. I figured that much. You worked your ass off for that scholarship. What could I do? Tell you to give it all up for me, your high school boyfriend who still didn't know for sure what his major was going to be?"

"You were more than just a high school boyfriend to me. How could you not know that?" Emily's voice was soft and small.

"I did, but I was too nuts over it all at that point to remember. I actually didn't drive to your house intending to break up with you. I wanted to talk and for you to tell me that it would all be fine, so we could forget about it for the rest of the summer. But then the more I drove, the angrier I became, until I decided to just do it. Get it all over with before it really hurt."

Emily's eyes bored into mine so hard I didn't catch her blink.

"Did you really think that night didn't hurt? Going from being happy and in love one day, to you telling me… What were your words?" She tapped her chin. "Right. That we should just end it now and move on with our lives. Then before I could figure out what to even say, you peeled out of my driveway and my life. You really thought that was the easier way?"

"Like I said, I was a kid. A stupid, stupid kid who loved a girl who was too good for him and it made him crazy."

"Jesse," Emily breathed out. "Come on."

"It's true. I still stand by that." I gave her a sad smile. "You were a straight A student who would have ended up with a scholarship, with or without soccer. You were smart. Beautiful. Fucking exceptional."

A smile ghosted my lips as I watched the now-stranger sitting across from me. I didn't know the woman she was, but I'd known the girl she used to be, as much as I could have known anyone.

What we'd had could have been dismissed as puppy love, but whenever I allowed myself to think back to that time, the love between us was real enough to be searing. I just hadn't known the extent of it until I saw her again—and too many years had passed to do anything about it.

I'd doubted myself on and off for how I'd ended it. And at the time, I'd wanted it to go on forever. Wanted us forever.

But it wasn't meant to be. No matter how old I became or how many reunions we'd run into each other at, that would always sting.

"You were destined for great things, and I didn't want to be the one to hold you back. Well, I did, but I couldn't."

"I don't understand. How would you have held me back?"

"You were already mapping out dates you could come home, an almost twelve-hour round trip, to see me. If you didn't have me to think about, you could, eventually, I hoped, relax and maybe enjoy it. You never had a second to relax and never really enjoyed high school."

"Who does?" she scoffed. "I only enjoyed high school with you."

"I know you did." That lost look in her eyes made me want to leap across the seat and draw her into my arms, however inappropriate now. "I enjoyed every second with you. But I thought breaking it off quickly would mean I wouldn't have to worry about who you were with every minute of the day and be dreading the moment you'd realize you could do so much better than me."

"And you didn't think I had the same feelings about leaving you? My biggest worry was that you'd forget me, and that night, you basically told me you wanted to forget me and us as soon as possible."

"Only because I felt like I had no choice. But regardless of the selfish and childish reasons why, or how much I hated it, looking back, I believe it was the right thing."

"Because I became a big soccer star?" She scoffed.

"So, you didn't make soccer your career. But I'm sure you loved playing in college."

She bobbed her head in a reluctant nod.

"If you'd had me at home to worry about, it wouldn't have been the same. Your focus wouldn't have been where it was supposed to be."

"Maybe not. But you took that choice away from me." She lifted her head, her jaw clenched again. "I loved you too. We could have figured something out."

"I really don't know if we could have. Not in the state of mind I was in anyway. I think what would have ended up happening was a lot of tears and a shit-ton of heartbreak. And even though I was an asshole about it, I still believe dragging it out would have been worse."

I searched her face for clues that maybe I was getting through before I continued.

"And look at you. You're successful. Whether or not you made it a career, you had the chance to play and travel all over the country. I've only been to, like, ten states. Maybe."

My joke fell flat as she averted her gaze from mine.

"But you wouldn't have held me back," she said in a soft whisper.

I shook my head. "You don't know that."

"You don't know that."

"I guess I don't," I conceded. "But I can't change what I did."

"But you didn't have to do it…like that." Her jaw tightened when her gaze came back to mine.

There was the fire I remembered. Emily would have fought for me. I knew that even back then, and it was a big reason why I hadn't stuck around to hear what she had to say. Running away like a scared little prick had been my way of being brave. I would have folded like a sad deck of cards had I allowed myself to stay and see how much I'd hurt her.

"No, I did," I coughed out a laugh. "I had to be a jerk about it. I needed it to stick and give you no room to talk me out of it because I loved you too much. It's as simple and as complex as that."

Emily chewed on her bottom lip but didn't try to argue with me. I hoped maybe that meant I was getting through, or at least making her understand a little.

"I loved you. And I never, ever wanted to hurt you." I scooted closer to the edge of the booth. "I hate that I did. If it's any consolation, I was a wreck after I left and basically the rest of the summer. I broke my heart that night as much as I broke yours."

Her expression softened but still seemed pained. She swallowed, her eyes shining as they held mine.

"I hope someday you can believe me. But today, that's all I have."

"I'm sorry for the holdup."

We didn't break eye contact when the waitress came to our table.

"What can I get the both of you?"

"I'll have a cup of coffee, please," I muttered, still staring at Emily.

"I'll have a cup of coffee and a very big chunk of the carrot cake that I saw on the way over here." She pointed a finger at the glass case of desserts behind the counter.

"Sure," the waitress said, scribbling on her pad.

"Make that two," I said before the waitress walked off.

Our eyes locked for a long minute. Now that I wasn't afraid to be caught staring at her for too long, I had the chance to really appreciate how beautiful she was. Sitting across from her, I still felt like that lanky kid who only needed a minute to fall for the girl of his dreams.

Too bad he hadn't been able to keep her.

"So that's what I wanted to talk to you about. It was easier to do that without Caden and Sabrina and everyone we ran into tonight leering at us like we were zoo animals."

A little weight lifted off my chest when a tiny chuckle shook her shoulders.

"I don't expect you to forgive me. But whether you wanted to hear it or not, I needed to explain and at least try to make you understand. Even just a little." I pinched the air between my thumb and index finger.

"You know," Emily started as she unwrapped the paper napkin from around her knife and fork. "That day, I almost gave up my scholarship."

I fell back against the seat, my eyes wide.

"You're kidding me," I whispered.

"Oh yes," she said with a slow nod. "I had been researching how to apply to one of the local community colleges until I could get into a four-year school maybe the next semester. I hadn't filled out any applications for any schools other than the ones that I was trying to get a scholarship to."

She nodded a thank-you to the waitress after she set our cups of coffee on the table.

"Before you came to my house and told me that we were over and needed to move on with our lives, I was planning to call the admissions office and rescind my acceptance."

"Wow," I breathed out. "Your mother would have killed me. I escaped certain death that night."

A laugh bubbled out of her as she stirred cream into her coffee.

"Honestly, what you just told me? That really confirms that I did the right thing."

"Jesse," she said on a long sigh. "Again, I could have gotten a communications degree anywhere. I didn't pursue soccer?—"

"But again, you had the option to. You went to a great school on a full ride. I ran because I was a jealous asshole, but I'd like to think staying out of your way helped give you a great future. I never wanted you to hate me, but I understand if you did."

"Here you go," the waitress sang as she set our cake plates down in front of us. "This is my favorite, so it was a good choice. Enjoy," she said before leaving the table.

"Well, I don't know about you," Emily said as she picked up her fork. "But I have never needed a big slab of cake more than I do right now."

She sliced into the icing along the side and slid her fork into her mouth, my dick twitching when she let out a moan.

"I didn't hate you. Trust me, I tried." She bit into another mouthful of cake. "I would have given up everything to stay with you."

"So, maybe I was right?"

She glared at me and lifted a shoulder.

"Maybe you were a little right."

A tiny smile twitched at the corner of her mouth.

"I just wish you would have talked to me instead of yelling at me and driving away."

"I had to make it stick." I shrugged and picked up my fork.

"So you've said. We at least could have had one more night. Or a couple of weeks." She set down her fork and picked up her coffee.

"And what would a couple of weeks have done? I almost caved when you'd asked me to come inside. I wouldn't have been strong enough to resist more time with you if I had. I thought doing it early in the summer would give us a chance to…get used to it."

"Get used to it?" She arched a brow.

"I still missed you. I missed you for longer than I should probably tell you. But at least when you left, it wasn't so raw."

"Maybe for you. Did you think I just stopped thinking about you? That everything was erased about us after one night?"

"No, I didn't. At least, I hoped not. I was a little worried when you were too nice to me tonight."

"You're serious?" Emily squinted at me.

"While, like I said, I didn't want you to hate me, I wanted to think you missed me enough to be pissed at me. At least a little."

"So, what did you want me to do? Try to stab you with my butter knife when I saw you?"

"Maybe," I said, bunching my shoulders in an exaggerated shrug. "Would have been nice."

She dropped her fork onto the table and glared at me before she laughed.

"Yes," she said, an easy smile spreading her mouth as she tilted her head. "I missed you. A little."

For the first time tonight, the silence between us was comfortable and familiar as a deep relief washed over me.

"So now that that's sort of straightened out, tell me about yourself." I poured cream into my coffee. "What have you been doing since high school, other than becoming an editor successful enough that Sharon wants to have lunch with you?"

"Right?" Emily chuckled. "That's a big claim to fame, you know."

"For sure," I said, lost in her pretty gaze for a long minute before I tore my eyes away. I wanted to be friendly tonight, not flirty. I couldn't afford flirty, even if her beauty still distracted the shit out of me.

"I've been good. I lived in Manhattan for a long time when I worked for the publishing house, but then I went out on my own and did most of my work at home. I moved back when I couldn't justify the rent for the sake of a commute I didn't make anymore. Plus, I wanted to be closer to my mother."

"Is she okay?"

"She is. Slowed down with age, which is kind of hard to see, but she's holding her own. She found an apartment in an over-fifty community not too far from St. Kate's. It's just her and me, so I wanted to be closer and be able to visit more. But she's still exactlythe same as you remember her."

"I am very glad to hear it."

"You are?" She laughed as she poured sugar into her coffee. "After all the shit she used to give you?"

"I liked that about her. She made me work for it, and I appreciated that. She knew that her daughter was special—and never ever let me forget it."

Another easy laugh slipped out of her. I hadn't needed any reminders to know how special Emily was, then or now.

"She probably really would have killed you had I given up my scholarship," Emily said around a mouthful of cake.

"And don't I know it," I said, the relief filtering through my veins relaxing me enough for an easy smile to coast across my mouth. The regret still clung to me like a shadow, but for additional reasons now.

Emily was halfway through her cake, and I'd hardly touched mine. After years of wondering about Emily, I wanted to take in every detail. The auburn highlights in her chestnut hair, her long lashes, her eyes that were even more beautiful when they crinkled at the corners.

She'd said I not we when she'd mentioned moving, and she'd said she was single when Caden pressed earlier tonight. But I couldn't help trying to clarify.

"And no boyfriend for a while, or husband or whatever?"

"Smooth, Jesse," she said, wiping her mouth with a napkin. "And no, none of those for a while. I might get a cat, though. Embrace that over-thirty single life."

I wanted to know everything about her now, and I didn't want to stop at just tonight. And if things turned out differently, maybe I wouldn't have to. Feelings long buried had bubbled up, thanks to the memories that had bombarded me the second my eyes had landed on Emily again.

Memories screwed with you. They made you think that the past still lingered in the present.

I had enough to worry about in the present.

Her gaze landed on my phone, focusing on Maddie's picture on the screen. I had a feeling Emily had heard enough of my conversation before we'd left the reunion to assume whom I may have been speaking to. But she'd be wrong, and I didn't have the energy to correct her and explain.

Tonight had been filled with enough emotions and old heartbreak. It wasn't that I didn't want to tell her. In fact, in a weak moment during the worst of it all, I'd almost called her. She knew more than anyone how much Tessa had meant to me and would have understood how broken I'd been after losing her.

But after hurting Emily the way I had, no matter why I'd done it, I hadn't deserved her comfort then and felt wrong about seeking it now.

I'd done what I'd come here to do, and it was amazing to have Emily with me tonight for a little while, even though I still couldn't keep her.

"This was nice,"Emily said as I pulled up in front of her house. "I'm glad you ambushed me on the way out."

"I wouldn't say ambush. That's a strong word. I more took advantage of an opportunity." I turned to her after I parked and unlocked the doors.

"You don't have to walk me to my door. I'm fine."

"Yes, I do. What kind of guy just drops a girl off to walk inside alone?"

"Um, you all through senior year."

"That was different. Thanks to all those long goodbyes, I couldn't get out for—" I flicked my eyes to my belt buckle "—reasons."

She swatted my arm before digging into her purse for her keys.

"But I always watched you to make sure you were safe."

Because I could never take my eyes off her. Not that first day we met, not when she was running up and down the soccer field, not all those times she was in my arms and I'd revel in how fucking lucky I was to have her. Maybe I had been memorizing her without realizing it, knowing she'd become my most painful and beautiful memory.

It was why I hadn't been able to look her in the eyes on the night I'd broken up with her. My resolve had been dangling by a thread, and all these years later, I could still feel how close I'd been to falling at her feet instead of speeding away from her as fast as I could.

Teasing my beautiful ex-girlfriend wasn't the worst offense.

As long as it stopped there.

"I wouldn't mind a cup of coffee once in a while. That cake was pretty good."

Her expectant gaze triggered that same inner turmoil demanding me to bring her closer, when stepping away was the only thing to do.

I stuffed my hands into my pockets and nodded.

"That could be nice," I said, not wanting to promise or commit, but I didn't have it in me to tell Emily no. I never had.

She shifted toward me after unlocking her door, pressing her hand to my chest and brushing her lips against my cheek.

Just like that, I was fourteen again and flexing my fingers into a fist to ward off the tingles down my arm.

She lingered for one glorious second before pulling back.

"Goodnight, Emily," I whispered as I pressed my lips to her temple. "Thank you."

She nodded and stepped inside. I waited until the lock clicked before heading to my truck, this time taking a moment to give her door one last look before I drove away.