Sean Four-And-A-Half Years Ago

It had been three weeks since the car accident. I’d been discharged that day and told to rest and follow up with my PCP. Of course, with mine being in Virginia, I had to make do with seeing Dr. Troy in his office because he didn’t want me traveling by air, and the thought of riding hours in a car to get back made me cringe. Also, if I stayed, I could spend time with Cassidy. It was a win-win. If only they’d found the guy who hit me, it would’ve been great. At least the cops had backed off with their attitude. Flanagan had put them in their places and put the chief on notice.

Cass and I hadn’t gotten into things yet. She kept insisting I rest and heal. I’d milked it at first, but I was done. I was ready to clear the air with her and get on with our lives. I needed to know what it would take to get her to agree to be mine. I didn’t care what it took. I’d do it. The first step was to get rid of all visitors. We hadn’t stayed at Everly’s house alone. Griffin and Gabe had taken turns being there. When they weren’t, other people from Dark Patriots came to visit.

It was a revolving door of company. I knew it was Cassidy’s way of putting buffers between us when she kept inviting people to visit. Unbeknownst to her, I’d contacted all of them and informed them there would be no more visits. The next time they saw me would be when we returned to Hampton. No one had objected. Gabe and Griff wished me good luck. They knew what I was about to do without me telling them. In preparation for tonight, I’d ordered dinner to be delivered. I planned for us to eat, then we’d sit down and hash this out. By tomorrow, if it all went well, we’d be an official couple.

I’d anxiously waited for her to get home from work. She’d felt guilty working when I was hurt, but I assured her I was okay to be alone. She didn’t do any assignments that took her overnight, although, with so many people here, she could’ve. I knew she liked her job. It wasn’t the Patriots, but I would get her to return once we ironed out everything. She’d left because we wouldn’t let her do dangerous assignments. That hadn’t changed, but I was willing to talk about the ones I could see her doing. If I was with her, then more dangerous ones might be possible. Besides, it was home. She belonged there. When she returned from work, I sent her to get a bath. I told her I had dinner figured out. She was still in there.

The front door doorbell got me moving. It had to be the delivery person with our dinner. They were early, but that was fine. I’d keep the food warm in the oven until she was ready to eat. Making sure I had the tip in hand, I opened the door. My smile dimmed when I saw it wasn’t a delivery person. Standing there looking a combination of upset and determined was a strange man. Maybe he was a neighbor. I hadn’t met many of them. Not wanting to be rude, I greeted him.

“Hello, can I help you?”

“You need to leave,” he said abruptly.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You need to leave. You’re ruining everything.”

“What the hell are you talking about? Who are you?” I snapped.

He stepped closer. I didn’t see a weapon in his hands, but I was prepared for anything. I was more than capable of taking him on. He was in shape, but he wasn’t in my kind of shape. I doubted he had my skills, either.

“I’m talking about whoever you are staying with her and ruining us. She refuses to go out again with you here. You look fine to me. Go back to wherever you’re from, and let us get on with our relationship. As for who I am? I’m her boyfriend.”

I almost reared back in shock. Boyfriend! At the hospital, she told me she wasn’t dating anyone. Well, other than going out twice. Was this him? Had I heard her wrong? I swore she said there was no spark. Before I could respond to his claim with questions and a claim of my own, Cassidy came strolling out to the main living room, where the front door was.

“Sean, I heard the doorbell. Is that the dinner you ordered? I can’t wait. I’m—” Her ramble stopped mid-sentence as she froze.

I partially faced her while keeping the mystery man within my peripheral vision. Her face appeared dumbfounded. She resumed walking and came over to stand beside me.

“Travis, what are you doing here?”

“I came to speak to him. This conversation is between him and I,” he told her pompously. I could’ve told him that was a mistake, but wanting to help him cut his throat more, I added to his statement.

“He came to tell me to leave so you and he could continue your relationship, which I have interrupted. Something you forget to tell me, babe.” I inched up a brow in question. Her astonishment morphed into anger. She whipped her head around to look at him fully.

“You said what!?” she snapped.

“I don’t know who he is, but he’s overstayed his welcome. Since he showed up, you’ve completely ignored me. We were dating until he moved in. I know you told people you have someone staying from home, and he was hurt. Well, he looks perfectly fine to me. It’s been three weeks. He needs to go. In fact, why don’t you get dressed, and we’ll go to dinner and talk about us,” he told her with a smile.

There was part of me that wanted to go mental on his ass, but another part wanted to see what she would do. That red in her hair was a warning to people if they took it. She might not be a full redhead, but she had the temper of one. I prodded more, but so it would make her madder at him, I hoped.

“Cassidy, I can leave if this is causing you issues. I never wanted that. I misunderstood what you said to me at the hospital.”

“Sean, don’t even try that. Let me take care of this, and then it’s time for us to talk. As for you, let me tell you something. You and—” she stopped.

Walking up hesitantly behind Travis was a guy carrying what I recognized as our dinner. Pushing past the idiot on her doorstep, I handed the delivery guy his tip and thanked him. He didn’t say a word, although he did give me a chin lift before he practically ran away. Moving back, I sat the food on the table by the door and returned to stand with her.

“Where was I? Oh yeah, you and I went on two dates. I was stupid to go on the second one, but I thought I’d give you another chance. I should’ve stuck to one. There is no us. I told you we could be friends after our second date, but that was it. I can’t believe you’ve been walking around for weeks, delusional that we were just on hold due to Sean being here. My God, are you on drugs? I’ve got to get HR to test you on Monday.” The HR remark told me they worked together, which didn’t make me happy, but her tone did.

“I’m not on drugs! And don’t lie, you and I had a connection. Why are you denying it just because he’s here? Who is he?” Travis demanded to know.

“A connection! I have more of a connection and a spark with my dentist than with you. Hell, that guy who just delivered our food made me tingle more than you. I’m not denying shit. You’re rewriting history. I told you I didn’t feel anything between us. You agreed we’d be friends, though you’ve been rather standoffish since. As for who he is, this is Sean, not that it’s any of your business. You need to leave, Travis. This conversation is over. He and I have dinner plans, and our food is getting cold.”

“Not until you tell me who he is, not just his name!”

I knew she was about to snap, and his tone was grating on me. It was time to end this. I straightened and folded my arms across my chest. I could do that comfortably now. I glared at him, letting him see the killer inside. I brought him out to play when necessary. For now, he was just peeking out as a warning. Travis’s eyes widened, and he took a couple of steps back.

“I’m the man she’s been in love with for years. I’m the man who loves her and would do anything to protect her and make her happy. I’m the man who won’t take you hanging around and causing trouble for her. I suggest you take your fantasy and leave. If I hear you’re bothering her at work or anywhere else, you won’t need to worry about HR or anyone else.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a fucking vow. Now, get. My woman and I have shit to talk about and things to do. We don’t need witnesses, especially for the naked parts.” I couldn’t resist throwing the last part in there.

His face flushed red. I tugged her into my arms and kissed her to prove my point. She melted into me and returned it. As I did, I didn’t let him out of sight. I smiled when he finally stomped off. I reached out my foot and kicked the door shut, then finished kissing her. When she pulled away, I wanted to protest, but I knew we had stuff to talk about.

“Go to the kitchen. I’ll be there in a second.”

As she unsteadily walked off, I locked the door and checked the window to see if he was hanging around. I didn’t see him. Then I picked up our food and took it to the kitchen. When I arrived, she had glasses out and poured something for us to drink, muttering as she did.

“Crazy asshole. I wonder if he was the one in the backyard that night.”

“What night? Backyard?”

“It was about a week before you came. One night, I heard Gus barking. You know he doesn’t bark for nothing. You’ve met him. I went to investigate, and someone was in my backyard, but he jumped the fence and got away before I could get to him. Hank and I talked, and we both thought it was someone casing the place. There had been a few robberies in the surrounding area. However, I forgot all about it after you came. Now I wonder, could it have been Travis? It was right about the time I agreed to go out with him a second time. I knew I wasn’t wrong about him, but I did it anyway. I was so desperate to feel something for someone.”

I hated to hear that, but I knew I was to blame. I went over and pulled her into my arms. “Cass, I’m sorry. God, the things I put you through. We need to talk about everything—no more waiting. I planned to do it tonight, but this makes it doubly important we don’t wait. I’m healed. It’s time.”

She bit her bottom lip and nodded. “Yes, it is time. Let’s eat, though, because I’m starved and can’t think if I’m hungry. I promise we’ll talk as soon as we’re done.”

“Works for me.”

We enjoyed our food but didn’t linger over it. When we were finished eating and the mess was cleared away, we refreshed our drinks and took them to the living room. I got her to sit on the couch with me, as I needed her close for this conversation.

“Where do you want to start?” I asked her.

“I don’t know exactly. There’s so much I feel we should talk about, but I’m unsure if it all has to be tonight. Where do you want to start? And do you want to go first, or do you want me?”

“Let’s start at the beginning. Tell me when you knew you were in love with me. Don’t hold back. Tell me how I hurt you. What do you need me to do to make it up to you and help you see that there is nothing I want more than to be with you for the rest of our lives?”

“Wow, you don’t ask for much, do you? That’s a ton of stuff, Sean.”

“I know it is, but we need to get it all out so there’s nothing left to fester. Keeping secrets and harboring resentment won’t help us in the long run. Go.” I waited several minutes as she collected her thoughts. I knew I hit her with a lot. Finally, she started.

“When you came home that first time with Mark when I was eleven, I was thrilled at the thought of having more brothers. However, even then, something about you was different from Gabe and Griffin. Of course, I had no idea what it was. It wasn’t until I got older that I knew what it was. I loved them as brothers. I was attracted to you sexually later on as I grew older, and that morphed into love when I was sixteen. I knew I was too young for you, but it didn’t matter. Remember that date I went on, and you guys ruined it for me?”

“Yeah, you and Pascal.”

“You remember his name!”

“Damn right, I do. Go on.” I didn’t tell her then but I remembered every man she dated. They were forever burned into my mind. I ensured I knew every time she went out with someone, how long she dated them, and anything else.

“I came home so mad at you, I kept telling myself you would see it and declare your feelings, too. Then, one night, right before Dad died, I went to the office. I knew you were working late and planned to tell you how I felt. I heard you with a woman. It was obvious you were pleasuring her. When she asked about me, you called me a child and said I would only ever be your sister, nothing more.”

I felt sick to my stomach. Before I could defend myself, she went on. “I went home and cried on Dad’s shoulder that night. He knew I loved you. He said that he thought you loved me or would once I was older but not to hold back from dating and having a life, just in case he was wrong. Anyway, I hoped you were just waiting for me to get older. Only when I did nothing changed. You kept treating me like a sister, and I watched you with woman after woman whenever you were around. And when you weren’t, I heard about them. It killed me. I should’ve given up all hope, but I didn’t.”

“Baby, about those women, I’m—” but she cut me off before I could finish.

“Don’t. Let me get this all out first. I did as Dad said. I did go out with some guys over the years. They were always doomed to fail because I always compared them to you no matter how hard I tried. Those poor guys had no chance. I hated to hurt them. There were a few who I believe loved me or could’ve if I had been able to let them.

“After Dad died, I went numb, as you know, but I still loved you. I tried to fight harder to do as Dad said. I was trying to fight my hope that you’d change. By the time I recovered as much as I could from losing Dad, we lost Mark.”

She paused to take a few deep breaths before continuing. “After his death, when you all took to keeping me out of the missions you thought too dangerous, and I had to leave Dark Patriots and find a job that would use all my skills, I tried even harder to get over you. I’d feel like I was making progress until I saw you, and then I was back to square one. I was excited when you had to take me to help with that mission, which introduced me to Everly and the Warriors. I thought it would open your eyes for sure. Only you kept me at arm’s length and showed me you didn’t care.” There were tears in her eyes that I ached to wipe away. I did with my thumb, but I let her continue. I deserved to feel her pain.

“Falcon was a godsend that trip. He took me aside and asked about the situation between you and me. At first, I didn’t want to say, but he insisted. When Falcon found out, he was such a great guy. He said that I had too much going for me to waste my life on a guy who couldn’t appreciate me, but if I wanted to try one more time to wake you up, he was game. At first, talking to him was a lark, but as I got to know him, we did become friends. He got a kick out of pushing your buttons. Seeing you with Josie almost killed me. When we got into it, and I told you I was done, and although I hadn’t slept with him, I planned to do it. I know I upset you. I felt good that I did. It was a minor hurt compared to what you’d done to me.”

I couldn’t stop myself. I had to ask. “Did you sleep with him?”

She stared at me hard for a couple of beats before she answered. “No, I didn’t sleep with Falcon. During that mission, what kept me going and staying strong other than Everly was thinking of you. When you guys came in to rescue us, I was so relieved, and I thought that the way you held me and fussed over me, you’d confess you loved me when we got home. Except you never did. We went right back to the way it was. I’d talked to Everly about moving away while we were in Dublin Falls. She offered me this house if I wanted. When you acted like nothing changed, I knew it was time to move on and work to get a life.

“That’s why I packed my clothes and left without a word to any of you. It had to be a clean break, and I knew the three of you would try to talk me out of it and probably succeed. I got lucky and could stay with my employer and move to their office here. That’s where I met Travis. He was friendly and showed me around, so I accepted his date offer. After the first time, I knew we had no spark, but I went out again because I was afraid I wasn’t giving him a fair chance. You see where that got me.

“That brings us to now. I know what you’ve said, and I need you to know if you don’t truly love me as a man loves a woman, don’t say you do. I don’t need your pity. If by coming here to get me to come home, you thought the only way to do that was to tell me you love me, it isn’t. I’ll learn to live as your sister. I can’t live a lie with you. I sure as hell couldn’t live it and find out you’re seeing other women on the side because you don’t find me attractive, but you’re doing it as a way to keep me in Virginia. I’m ready to move on. Being here, I truly think, will allow me to find someone eventually.”

I couldn’t remain quiet. I moved closer and drew her toward me, although she tried to resist. I held onto her and made her look me in the eyes. “That never crossed my fucking mind. I wouldn’t do that, and to hear you even say it, shows me how badly I’ve fucked up and hurt you. Let me go back to the beginning and explain, and then we’ll discuss the future. Okay?” I asked. She gave a short nod.

“Let’s start where you did the first time I met you and Adam. I didn’t expect to make not only friends but brothers in the Navy. I kept myself closed off from people. I thought it was a fluke when I connected so profoundly with Mark, Gabe, and Griff. Imagine my surprise when I got to know you, Adam, Jessie, and Graden. Coming home that first time with Mark to meet the two of you was amazing. I admit I thought of you as a cute kid, and I was convinced I would come to think of you as a little sister. And I did think of you that way, I believe, over the resulting years. It wasn’t until you turned sixteen, when we were home on leave, and you went out with Pascal that I began to question myself.

“You came out dressed to go out, and I was struck for the first time that you weren’t a little girl anymore. You were almost a fully grown woman. It shocked me. When you left on your date, I didn’t like the idea of you going out. Neither did Gabe, Mark, or Griff, but I sensed it was for brotherly reasons, and I didn’t feel so brotherly at that moment. It wasn’t hard to get them to follow and watch you. We planned to stay hidden until he took you to that make-out spot, then it was a hell no. You know what happened.

“After that, over the next two years, I watched you change even more, and I kept telling myself to see you as anything but a child, as a sister was wrong. When you turned eighteen, I couldn’t fool myself with the child thing, so I stuck to the sister. I argued with myself that if I showed interest in you, it would destroy my friendship and my brotherhood with Mark and lose him, you, Adam, and possibly the others. I couldn’t risk it.

“You’re right. I went out with and even dated a lot of women. I won’t lie and say I never slept with them,” she cringed when I said it, but I kept going. “However, from the moment I began to notice you as more than a sister, I did it to forget those feelings you caused in me. I didn’t acknowledge it at first. I was good at lying to myself. It wasn’t until after Mark died that I fully admitted to myself that was it. They were never going to be a substitute for you.”

“Yet, it didn’t stop you,” she huffed, the pain evident in her voice.

“Yes, it did.”

“Bullshit, you went out with plenty of women after he died! I knew about them.”

“Yes, I went out with women, but I wasn’t sleeping with them. They were all for show.”

She jerked away from me and came to her feet. She glared at me. “You want me to believe for the past three years, you haven’t slept with a single woman!? Sean, I’m not stupid. You are a very sexual man. I thought we weren’t going to lie to each other. You know what, let’s stop this right here.” She turned her back on me. I came to my feet and rushed over to grab her. She struggled to get away, but I trapped her against me. She refused to look at me, so I raised her chin.

“I’m not lying. I swear it on Mark and Adam. I wouldn’t lie about this. I made sure to make it look like I slept with them. The reason I changed women even more often than before was they’d get fed up when I wouldn’t sleep with them. I kept up the pretense for you, Griff, Gabe, and everyone else. Even the Warriors thought I’d slept with their bunnies on the rare times I went there. I couldn’t bear to touch women that way. I tried to kiss them, and it made me sick, so I stopped. My only release for the past three years has been my hand. And not to be crude, but the only one I think about when I do is you.”

Her mouth fell open. I didn’t stop myself from kissing her. I need another taste. After a moment of hesitation, she kissed me back. I devoured her. As I did, my erection grew. I knew I needed to finish my explanation, but stopping was hard. I promised myself I’d return to this once I was done talking. Reluctantly, I tore my mouth away. She whimpered in protest.

“Baby, we have to wait. I need to finish first. I hated when you left the Patriots and went to work for someone else. I knew we drove you to it, but the thought of you being in danger was too much for all of us. We couldn’t lose you like we lost Mark. And in my case, it was more than brotherly love. It would destroy me if you were killed. But with you gone, I worried twice as much because at least with us, we could put the best with you.

“When we found out we couldn’t do the Warriors’ thing without you, I almost said we couldn’t help them, but Griff said we had to do it, and you were the best choice. Hell, you were even when we thought we had someone from the Patriots to do it. He said we’d be there and could ensure your safety, and we knew the Warriors were no slouches. I kept protesting and trying to make you back out, which was shitty of me. Watching you blossom and become friends with Everly was great. Watching you with Falcon wasn’t. I wanted to kill that bastard so many times. Thinking of you sleeping with him enraged me and tore out my heart.” I had to stop and take several breaths as the remembered rage consumed me. When I beat it back, with the knowledge they never slept together, I continued.

“When you and Everly got taken, and we had to stand back and let it play out until we could do the rescue, I came the closest I ever have to blowing an operation. I was on the brink of losing my mind. Smoke was the one who kept me from doing it. He was just as worried about Everly, but he assured me the two of you knew what you were doing and you had skills. We had ears in there. Believe me, he and I listened almost constantly.

“Walking into that room where your owner had taken you after the auction and finding him with you pinned to the wall, tearing at your clothes, I lost it. If you hadn’t stopped me, I would’ve beaten him to death rather than let him rot the way he deserves in prison for the rest of his life. I held onto you and didn’t want to let you go. I told myself it was time to confess my feelings. I knew you had them for me. Gabe and Griff told me often enough, but after we got home, I wanted to wait until you had time to settle from the mission. It wasn’t until I found out you were gone and I had no idea where you went, and no one could find you, did I admit, the time had come to admit it all and not to be afraid of the outcome.”

“Why did you chicken out? If you knew I loved you, why?”

“Because the main reason that held me back was still there. It wasn’t Mark or Adam. It was the terror of offering myself to you and having you eventually reject me.”

“Why would I reject you? Sean, I’ve loved you since I was sixteen years old! You’re not making sense.”

“Simply put, I’m not worthy of you or your love. Someone as good and wonderful as you deserve a better man. You know how I grew up. My mom didn’t love me. No one after her did until the guys. What were the chances someone like me would get a forever love? Damn, near zero. Sure, the thought of losing Mark, Adam, and the others was a tiny factor, but most of it was that. My whole life, I’ve excelled at things, attempting to prove I was worthy.”

This time, it was her forcing my head down so I would look at her. She was glaring at me. “How dare you undervalue yourself like that? You are a wonderful person and an incredible man. Your mom was an idiot if she didn’t love you. And those who came after her who didn’t love you were idiots, too. Do you think I give my love out to just anyone?”

“So you still love me even after everything I just said and how I’ve hurt you for years?”

“I will always love you, Sean.”

More talk would have to wait because she pulled my mouth down to hers, and we got lost in kissing each other.