Chapter 15

15

T obias woke up alone, which was a little out of the ordinary but not unheard of. He rolled out of bed and found some clean clothes, then wandered to the kitchen. He knew he was in dire need of a shower, but he was also in dire need of coffee. Coffee was probably easy to find, since his bed was empty, and then he'd attempt the shower.

Coffee was, in fact, the first thing that greeted him as he approached the kitchen. He could smell it all the way down the hall.

The second thing to greet him was Noah, who went to his knees as soon as Tobias entered the kitchen. "Breakfast is almost ready, sir," Noah told him, "I've made eggs."

"Thank you." Tobias absently petted Noah's hair and looked around. "Phan's not up yet?" Oh, God. Phan. Tobias' hand stilled. "Oh, dear."

"He's in his room, sir," was all Noah offered.

"Have you spoken to him?" He was almost afraid to ask.

"Yes, sir."

Tobias rolled his eyes. "And is he in need of a great deal of making up to?"

"You could say that, sir." Noah shifted slightly. "He's... very upset."

Tobias nodded. "I imagine he is. Angry or hurt? And can I please have some coffee before I try to fix this?"

"Oh! Yes, sir." Noah stood and hurried to the coffee maker. "Hurt. He only gets angry if you say something stupid."

"If I say something stupid?" Tobias felt his eyebrows lift.

"Yeah, something like 'what do you want me to say?' or... you know, shrug at him or something." Noah came over and handed Tobias a mug of steaming coffee.

"Oh. You mean if you say something stupid." Tobias took the coffee and smiled gently at him. "It'll be okay, sweetheart. I'll talk with him and apologize and find out what he needs to feel better. We'll fix it."

Noah headed back to the stove and put a spoonful of eggs and a couple of slices of bacon on a plate. He sat the plate on the kitchen table. "I'll get you a fork."

Tobias watched him, not moving. "Talk to me, pet," he said softly. "What are you feeling?"

"Just that Phan is right, and I don't know how to make it better next time. I don't know if there should be a next time. I don't know if I've just lost something or not. All I know is that he's right." Noah set a fork on the table and went to his knees again.

"He's right about what?" Tobias sipped his coffee and trod carefully. If they were both going to go to pieces, he'd have to do some fast evaluating to figure out who to ease first.

"That he felt left out. That we should have included him. That... well. You should talk to him, sir."

Tobias shook his head. "I will, trust me. Probably at length. But I need to know what you're feeling -- what his being right means to you. Also, you know as well as I do that he can't be included in things like last night -- it's in his contract at his request."

"I'm not sure he's happy to bow out, either, though." Noah sighed. "I'm not sure it's that simple for him anymore."

"Noah. Tell me how you feel." Tobias sat at the table and looked at his submissive before picking up his fork. "Not Phan. You."

Noah was quiet for a bit as if gathering his thoughts. When he finally spoke, it appeared that his words were very carefully chosen. "I understand that Phan was upset. And, truthfully, I think he had every right to be upset. But I thought I had every right to... you brought home flowers. To me, that means things are about you and me. I don't like feeling guilty about being there for you, about being us. If I were Phan, I would have been very upset about not knowing what was wrong, not being able to help, being left alone. I would have, sir. I just feel like it's an impossible balance. I feel very conflicted, and I feel like I let Phan down."

Tobias ate his breakfast and thought about that for a few minutes. "You're taking on too much," he said finally. "You absolutely do not have to consider Phan's feelings when I bring you flowers. That's up to me and me alone. Also, I understand his hurt as well -- I made a huge error last night and will have to make it up to him. You can feel badly for that part, but not for what we do."

There was another silence before Noah responded. "Apart from you, he's my best friend, sir. I don't see how I can not consider his feelings."

"Are you able to consider them but do as I want anyway?"

"I..." Noah's struggle to balance the orders of his Master and the feelings of a friend was evident. "That's my duty to you, sir. Yes, sir."

"Good." Tobias put his mug on the table and stood up. "Come with me. You can listen to me talk to Phan. This is about all three of us."

"Yes, sir." Noah fell into place behind Tobias' shoulder, but Tobias sensed that he was uneasy.

"Easy, pet. We'll talk and talk and talk and work it out. Same as always." Tobias led the way up stairs and stopped outside Phan's door. "He didn't close it in your face, did he?"

"Oh, no, sir," Noah answered quickly. After a pause he added, "But he didn't invite me in, either."

Tobias nodded. "Not ready for the kiss and make up, then. Okay." Tobias knocked politely at the door. "Phan? Are you awake?"

There was a pause, and then Phan's voice called, "Yes, sir. Coming." The door opened and Phan stepped back, his eyes down. "Good morning, sir."

"Thank you. But it's not, is it?"

Phan shook his head, and Tobias could see his lip tremble until Phan bit it. "No, sir."

Tobias, who didn't actually need permission to go into Phan's room, went in and held out his arm. "Come here, dear. Let me start to apologize."

Phan shook his head minutely but went to him, burrowing in. He also didn't say that it was okay or that Tobias didn't need to apologize.

"I'm sorry," Tobias whispered in his ear. "I'm sorry, Phan. I handled last night all wrong, and I'm so sorry you're hurt."

Phan nodded against his chest and took a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm hurt," he whispered back. "I was all alone last night. I worried."

"Mmmhmm." Tobias nodded and rubbed his hand down Phan's spine, feeling each knot of bone. "I know. I would have been very worried, too. It was unfair of me to send you off without even a word. It won't happen again."

"I know." Phan sighed and stayed where he was. "I know. Why did you forget me?"

Tobias winced. "Because I was tired and selfish and satiated. I have no excuse other than that, dear. I forgot to ask Noah to get you, even if I was too tired to come up myself. I apologize for that most of all."

Phan nodded again but didn't say anything else for a long time, long enough for Tobias to glance around the room, taking in the casual disarray of art supplies and canvases and sketch books. At least Phan was still working away at his art to express himself. Tobias was sure he didn't really want to see the painting that the previous twelve hours may have inspired. In the corner of the room by Phan's bed was a milk crate half covered with a large sheet of paper, like it was hiding something -- probably the surprise that Phan was still working on.

Assuming he hadn't wrecked it, alone in the dark around two a.m.

Tobias sighed and turned his head to look back at Noah, to see how he was doing.

Noah was still and silent and the tension in his shoulders was obvious. His eyes were riveted on the floor as if he didn't dare look anywhere else. Tobias had the feeling he was doing his best to disappear, to pretend like he wasn't there.

"Phan?" Tobias said softly, still rubbing Phan's back. "The three of us need to talk, to find a way to help you feel better. Okay?"

Phan nodded, his fingers curling into Tobias' T-shirt. "Okay, sir," he whispered.

Tobias looked around. "Here? Or would you rather come downstairs?"

"Here is okay," Phan said softly. "But it's not our space. It's mine. We should... I dunno."

Tobias nodded. Right, he was the boss. "Okay. Downstairs, come on. To the living room, and you both need to eat something."

"Yes, sir." Noah waited this time for Phan to follow Tobias before falling into line himself.

Tobias didn't waste any time getting them settled on the couch, one on either end. Toast only took a few moments, and he made sure they both ate before sitting down with them. "Okay. Let's start at the beginning. Phan, I handled things badly when I got home last night. I should have greeted you properly and made sure that you'd eaten before I asked for some time with Noah. Also, I should have allowed you to see that, while I was upset, I was physically okay, and I should have reassured you that it was just a bad day, nothing dire. You have my complete apologies, and I promise to take greater care in the future."

Phan nodded and looked at his knees. "I appreciate that, sir," he said softly. "And I'm glad you're all right, and that you're feeling better this morning."

Noah seemed to be watching Phan with some interest. He nodded gently but otherwise remained silent.

Tobias nuzzled Phan's hair for a moment. "I'm better. Thank you. I know that had to hurt, to be more or less dismissed without any idea what was going on."

Phan nodded and kept looking down. "I'm glad you have a way to feel better, though," he said softly.

"Permission to speak, sir?" Noah asked softly.

"Of course, sweetheart." Tobias nodded. "We're trying to sort everything out. Both of you are free to say what you wish."

"Sometimes in those situations, sir, you're not really in your usual mental state, so, Phan, I will try to help Sir remember to make sure you're okay before we disappear. And make sure we come get you later so you're not alone. I wouldn't want to be alone, either."

Phan nodded and leaned into Tobias. "That was the worst part. Being alone when I knew you were done and asleep. I know you do what you need... but after, when everyone is better, I should be there." He swallowed so hard Tobias could feel it. "I mean. I'm sorry. I know it's not up to me, but you said and then it didn't and I just..."

Tobias tugged him close. "Shh. You're right, I said. You should have been there, after. I'm so, so sorry. Noah is, too. It won't happen again, we promise. Shh."

Phan nodded and burrowed and Tobias could feel him shake. To Noah, he mouthed, "Exhausted?"

Noah nodded. "Didn't sleep," he mouthed back.

Tobias sighed and petted Phan until he calmed down a little. "Okay? Better? You should take a nap, dear."

Phan nodded. "Can Noah stay with me?" he asked, his voice only slightly above a whisper.

Noah's chin lifted and he looked at Phan. "Yes," Noah answered quickly, before Tobias could himself. He blushed hard, though, and dropped his eyes, likely realizing it technically wasn't his call. "I mean... if... I'm sorry, sir. It's up to you, of course."

Tobias snorted. "As if I can say no," he said dryly. "Take him to bed, Noah. Napping, petting, loving. I'll get myself to the club, and you two can come by after he's rested and fed. You're in charge of taking care of him, Noah."

Noah moved to their end of the couch. "Yes, sir. I'll take care of him, sir." He held out his arms to Phan. "Come on, hon, let's get you tucked in."

Phan disengaged and more or less attached himself to Noah. "Stay with me," he said, transferring his burrowing. "Okay? Yeah, okay."

Noah nodded. "Not going anywhere." He pulled Phan to his feet. "Thank you, sir," he said to Tobias before leading Phan away.

"No problem." Tobias watched them go and sighed. He hoped Bradford had some free time; he could see that he'd need a bit of a sounding board with his first cup of coffee at the club.