Chapter 14

14

N oah woke early the next morning, just after the sun came up. He left Tobias asleep as he took a quick shower and then headed out into the kitchen to make coffee. He felt fabulous; loose and relaxed, clearheaded and well rested.

He measured out the coffee carefully and then dug around in the refrigerator for some eggs. He'd scramble some up, bring some to Tobias and to Phan, and get everyone off on the right foot.

He almost jumped out of his skin when Phan spoke. "Good morning," he said, his voice flat. Noah hadn't even seen him, sitting at the kitchen table.

"Jesus! You scared the hell out of me." Noah laughed and took a second to catch his breath. "I'm making some eggs. You sound like you're ready for coffee." He made his way over to Phan and leaned over him for a good morning kiss.

Phan turned his head away. "I ate, thank you."

Noah hesitated, pausing where he was for a moment before straightening up again. "O... kay." He looked Phan over. "Did you sleep?"

"Eventually." Phan looked at him and Noah doubted the truth in "eventually," given the circles under his eyes. "Once I figured out no one was actually going to come get me."

Something twisted in his gut, and Noah sighed heavily. "Yeah. Um." He leaned back against the counter and watched Phan carefully. "I'm really sorry about that. I'd meant to get Tobias to sleep and then come back out here to help clean up the kitchen and all, but we both fell asleep." He shrugged. "Really, I'm sorry."

"Whatever." Phan stood up and headed for the door to the living room and, presumably, upstairs. "Enjoy your breakfast."

"Hey." Noah jogged after him. "Hey, come back here."

"You may be boss with him sometimes, but you're not the boss of me. You want to talk to me, you can come upstairs."

Noah stood in the doorway to the kitchen and watched Phan walk purposefully toward the staircase. "Shit," he whispered, debating whether it was a better idea to follow Phan or go wake Tobias. Quietly, he followed in Phan's wake. "Okay, I'm coming."

Phan didn't even look back as he went up to his room. "I don't know why. You said you were sorry. What else is there?"

Noah shook his head, wondering what the hell he ought to say next. What else was there, indeed? "Well, if you're not accepting my apology, then there's obviously more, Phan."

"Ya think?" Phan turned at the top of the stairs and glared down at him. "Honestly, Noah. Think about this. He comes home, he needs you. I get that. What I don't get is that I'm totally forgotten after you do whatever the fuck it is you do. I can't sleep; I can't do anything but worry. I know nothing about what's wrong. He won't let me help, and then no one bothers to get me after. And you shrug a half-assed apology at me! Now do you get it?"

Noah stared at Phan. "Well, he needed me, and I didn't think past that. It isn't a half-assed apology, though; I... shit." He blinked, working through the jumble of reasons and excuses, and he couldn't figure out how to turn them into anything that Phan would understand. "He spent a lot of yesterday trying to help a sub who... had a really bad experience with one of the new Doms." He looked up at Phan again. "What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to acknowledge that it hurts, damn it! I want you to do more than shrug and pass it off as no big deal that I got dismissed and ignored. I want you to think about how you would feel if it was you." Phan turned and started walking again. "Jesus Christ, Noah."

Noah took the rest of the stairs two at a time. "Will you stop walking away from me, damn it?" When that didn't get any response whatsoever, Noah tried again. "Phan," he sighed. "Would you please stop walking away from me?" He stopped just outside Phan's bedroom door. The rules about their bedrooms were simple -- Noah wasn't allowed to enter Phan's room without permission, any more than Phan was allowed in Noah's. "I'm trying, okay?"

"Are you?" Phan stood just past the safe threshold and crossed his arms, his eyes shining. "Tell me, then. How would you feel?"

Noah crossed his arms as well and stood up tall. "I'd feel..." He tried to find the word he was looking for. "Well, I would feel like..." How would he feel if Tobias walked in the door and needed Phan instead of him? How would he feel if he had no idea what was happening behind closed doors? How would he feel if Phan was whistling while making coffee? "Fuck," Noah sighed and slouched. "I'd probably hate you a little."

Phan collapsed in on himself. His arms dropped and he turned away, reaching to his dresser to pick up a pencil. He fiddled with it, looking down at his hands, and finally mumbled, "Don't hate you. I couldn't hate you. But I'm pretty pissed, kitten."

Noah nodded. "I should have at least come out after he was asleep and told you what was going on."

"You should have fetched me to bed," Phan corrected, glancing up.

"Yeah?" Noah searched Phan's eyes. "Maybe I should have. I don't know. I'm not as good with this as I thought I was, I guess." He shifted his weight from foot to foot. "He was just such a mess and he needed so much and I didn't think of anything else."

Phan sighed. "And that's the way it's supposed to be, I guess. But... fuck, it's hard on me, Noah. I've never been forgotten in the aftermath, either. Then you just..." He waved a hand. "You blew it off like it wasn't any big deal. I sat in here for hours, waiting. Hours."

"I didn't mean to blow it off."

Phan tossed the pen onto the bed. "I know. But you did. And now I need to figure out how the hell I'm going to talk to Sir about this."

"It's my fault. He was going to get up and shower, and I told him to just rest and go to sleep. If he'd done what he wanted to, he probably would have talked to you."

"Did he need to sleep?"

"Yeah, he really did." Noah nodded, remembering how Tobias was dead asleep before he'd even made it back from the bathroom. "I'm not sure he would have been able to stand long enough for a shower."

"Then you handled that right. He's the priority." Phan shrugged and looked around his room. "But I still think it was clear I was to sleep downstairs, and I'm upset that I was flat-out forgotten. It makes me feel like I'm... something. Something less."

"You're not less, Phan. You're every bit as important. I'm just an asshole. I'm really sorry."

Phan shrugged again and sighed. "Okay. Thank you. You should go make his breakfast; he'll be awake soon, probably."

Noah felt so ashamed of himself that he couldn't even hold Phan's eyes for more than another second. "Right." He took a step back from Phan's doorway. "I'll go do that." He turned to head downstairs.

"Noah?"

"Yeah?" He stopped moving, but he didn't turn around.

"I know it wasn't intentional." Phan sounded sad and exhausted under the sincerity.

Not trusting himself to speak, Noah just nodded and then hurried down the stairs. Distraction would be good. Eggs, coffee, some time on his knees, his morning discipline. Just some time to get perspective, because right now he felt more off balance than he had in years. He couldn't remember the last time he'd let anyone down the way he had Phan. Phan had every right to be upset, every right to take him to task, and possibly Tobias, too.

Upstairs, Phan's door closed, just loudly enough that Noah heard the snick of the catch.

Noah glanced back over his shoulder at the closed door. Phan was right about another thing; Noah had no right to tell him what to do.

Downstairs in the kitchen, the coffee was ready, so Noah got the griddle hot and started beating the eggs.