Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

KAYDEN

CHRISTMAS

" K aybear, is everything okay? You've been so quiet ever since Dane and Jackson left."

I'd invited my friends back home, and it had been a welcome distraction. After finals, Dane and Jackson spent two days with my family, then headed back to Arkansas to see theirs. And being alone again had me thinking about Maddox. Where was he? What was he doing? Was he really okay?

I stared at my plate, full of delicious food that I had no desire to eat, and ignored my mother's question. I'm surprised she noticed at all, given that our family table was chaos and noisy as fuck. Yup, I wasn't the only chatterbox in the family.

And I didn't even know where to begin. Should I say anything? If I told her I was hung up on someone at school, more questions would follow. Like, who was the girl? That would be the assumption. Then they'd need all the details. Was I really ready to come out and tell my family that I'm bi? Part of me said, Fuck yes . Because I wanted Maddox. More than wanted. And his gender was the least of it. But given that he'd walked out of the library and I hadn't seen or texted him since, maybe it was pointless. Why bother upsetting my family over a fling that was done before it even began?

"I'm tired. Between hockey and studies, I'm worn out. I worked so hard to get through finals."

I was worried sick I was going to fail and get kicked out of school.

"Did your tutor help?"

"They did."

"You had more than one?"

Oops. "Yeah. Another student in my elective helped me out."

"That's good. But I hope you've also made time to have fun. Any cute girls catch your eye?"

I rolled mine. Oh man, if only she knew.

"There was someone. But they're not interested in dating me."

Maddox was okay fucking around, but as soon as I invited him here, boom. Everything imploded. I'd asked him to come home with me again the day we were leaving campus. We argued in the dorm, and he stormed off. Dane told me that maybe I was better off leaving Maddox alone. I was starting to wonder if he was right.

And yet, it was too late. I already knew I wanted more than a quick make-out session with Maddox here and there. I wanted to be with him all the time. And yeah, I still wanted him to fuck me. I'd even ordered that dildo and started experimenting. I was more than ready for it. For him. For all of it. There was an idea in my head, a ridiculous one, that me and Maddox were like Dane and Jackson. We could be boyfriends. Fuck, just saying the word gave me chills. I'd had a crush or two on girls in high school, but nothing, nothing like this. I was in over my head but I didn't know what to do.

"I can't believe that. And if so, it's their loss," Mom replied, and patted my hand.

"It's complicated."

"It shouldn't be. Either she likes you, or she doesn't."

"He doesn't!" I blurted out and slammed my fork down.

Suddenly, the entire table quieted. Fuck. Way to go Kay. Can't do anything the normal way.

"Did you say he ?" Mom asked.

"Uh, well, I mean—" I paused, my face burning hot. "Yes."

Dad leaned forward. "What's going on?"

I stared at him across the table. My dad's a giant bear of a man and I get my size, and my hazel eyes, from him. Mom's only five-six and petite. But of the two of them, mom's the one who's fiercely protective, the one who enforced the rules in the house. Dad had a more laid-back approach to parenting. I had a feeling that was about to change. And given the way he was staring at me, it was happening right this fucking minute.

"I fell for someone," I confessed. "A guy on my hockey team. I'm bi. Merry Christmas!"

Oh, my god. I actually said all that out loud.

Everyone at the table stared at me.

"What?"

"You've got it bad for one of your teammates?" my sister Janina yelled out. "That's so hot."

"Nina!" Mom called out.

"What? Tell us his name! Show us his picture!" Nina insisted.

I bit back a laugh and then I realized there was nothing funny about this situation. I had it bad for Maddox, but the reverse wasn't true.

"I don't have a picture. Maddox—" I paused, remembering that neither of us was planning to come out. Shit. Not that anyone in my family would say a word. And I knew Nina would hound me until she got the truth. "Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. Don't repeat his name."

My younger sisters, Reena and Jenna, pulled out their phones.

"I'm googling him," Reena announced as she and Jenna giggled.

Oh Jesus. Me and my big fucking mouth.

My dad tapped the table. "A teammate?"

"It just happened."

"Are you out of your mind?" My dad barked. "You're under the radar of professional league scouts. If it comes out that you've been…involved with your teammate, forget your chances of ever playing at that level!"

"Vic," Mom whispered to my dad and reached for his hand. "Calm down."

"Calm down? Do you want our son to screw up his entire future for some guy?"

"He's not some guy. His name is Maddox," I countered. "Look, there's nothing to worry about. He's not interested in me, so there's no problem. Okay? Can we forget I said anything and go back to our usual Christmas food coma?"

"Why didn't you tell us you were gay?" my brother Alec asked.

"I'm bi. And do I have to tell you guys everything? I just started to realize it myself, I haven't even come to terms with it yet—" I shook my head. "Please, can we change the subject?"

I poked at my mashed potatoes and forced myself to take a bite. It was great, but my appetite was off. Suddenly, I was in the sin bin and everyone around me was staring like I'd let them down.

"You know we love you no matter what. And if you're bi, well, then, that's who you are," Mom announced. "It's the teammate situation your dad is concerned about. Plus, the professional hockey world isn't exactly a hallmark of queer acceptance."

"Like I said, there's nothing to talk about," I repeated. "It's over."

Rory, who was the youngest—and quietest—brother, spoke up. "Maybe we can set you up while you're here for the weekend? My friend Geoff is gay and single."

Maddox was right to turn down my offer to come home with me.

"No one's setting me up, and no one's asking me any more questions," I stated. "Now please, pass the gravy."

"I found him!" Reena announced loudly. "It's Maddox Rocher, right?"

"What? Where?" I asked.

"School socials. They posted pics from the last game. Let's see…he's a goalie from Canada," Reena announced as she tapped her phone. "Ooh, there's one photo here with his mask off. He's gorgeous."

Fuck, did I know it.

"Let's see," Nina asked, and Reena passed over her phone.

Then it was on to the next family member and the phone did the whole tour of the table. Holy shit, my family was wild.

"He's got quite the scowl on him," Nina commented. "Is he always like that?"

I nodded, stuffing in a forkful of turkey so I wouldn't start gushing like the fool I was. Scowl or not—or maybe because of it—Maddox always had my attention. And when one of his rare smiles appeared, any hint of one, I ached with a sweet kind of intensity that I'd never experienced for anyone. His grin totally wrecked me. It made me feel like I'd won the damn lottery. Who was I kidding? His pout did the same thing. Because I knew that there was so much more to him than angry glares and sharp words. He'd researched the best reading apps for my dyslexia and helped me break down the concepts I struggled with. He bought me that journal. And he was surprisingly protective. Like that time on the bus when he told Axel off.

Then there was the way he kissed me, touched me. Like he couldn't get enough. I guess now he had. Christ, I was gone for him. And I was dreading my return to school. I had to act like we were strangers again. How was I going to do that?

I put my fork down and my gaze locked on the bracelet on my wrist. I wondered if Maddox had thrown his away. He'd been wearing it ever since I gave it to him, but probably not anymore. And why did that make me feel even worse? My stomach clenched tight. No way was I going to be able to finish my meal.

"So, what happened, Kay? Why'd you break up?" Nina demanded.

"We weren't really together, so there's no breakup," I muttered.

Sure as hell felt like it, though. They might as well hear the whole pathetic thing.

"I invited him here for Christmas," I confessed. "He freaked out. And that was that."

"He doesn't have any family of his own?" Mom asked.

"Nope. His mom passed away when he was thirteen. And his dad's gone too. There's something really bad there that he won't talk about."

That comment was met with awkward silence. Man, I sure knew how to get a party going.

"I think we've had enough of this conversation," Dad announced and pointed at my sisters. "No more questions. Leave Kayden alone."

I was grateful. But also, annoyed? My dad glanced at me and gave me ‘ the look .' The one that said after dinner, he and my mom were going to sit down with me for a long talk. I already knew what was coming.

Don't fuck up your hockey dreams. Maddox sounds like trouble. Stay away.

Everyone began eating again. I sipped on my Diet Coke and ignored the food and the talk around me. Then my thoughts wandered back to my obsession. Was Maddox alone? Probably. That made the ache in my chest worse. My hand itched to pick up my phone and text him, but I held back.

Being silent had never felt so wrong.