Chapter 31

CHAPTER 31

MADDOX

JANUARY

I t was a new semester, but it felt like September.

I saw Kayden at practice, but it was awkward. There were polite nods and ‘ hey, how's it going ' so no one on the team questioned us. I guessed he'd done okay with his finals. I didn't ask, even though I wanted to. He must've done well because he was still here, right? And me? My sleep was shit, my concentration and appetite too. It wasn't difficult for me to figure out why.

I missed him. And I didn't miss anyone, except my mom.

But how could I want for a guy who annoyed me half the time and confounded me the rest? Okay, so Kayden didn't annoy me anymore. Maybe I liked him. A lot. So much that it was physically painful for me to walk into my room. That goddamn chair was like staring at a neon sign, reminding me about our first kiss. And everything that followed. Every touch was branded in my brain, burned into my memory. I'd never forget.

And Christmas, by myself? It was more like Halloween, with only the ghosts of students past roaming the halls. And it really fucking bothered me. I never minded being alone before. But I did now. The quiet was too much. Lonely. Depressing. And I hated it.

So, I did something monumentally dumb. I searched for Kayden's socials and followed him.

He'd posted a few pics of his family holiday. But he wasn't smiling in any of the photos. In fact, Kayden's expression looked a lot like mine Every day I berated myself for what I'd said to him. Had I hurt him? I kept telling myself what we had was just sex, but there was no way I was buying that shit now. I was feeling stuff I never imagined I was capable of.

Then I thought about our next practice, next game, our season's stats. Would me and Kayden being together really fuck things up? Did other teammates fuck around? Who knew? If they were, what did it matter as long as it didn't interfere with the game?

For the first time in years, I wanted something more than hockey. I wanted Kayden. A relationship with him? Boyfriends? I couldn't hardly believe it, but there it was. Acknowledging the truth had my brain freaked out, but my gut finally stopped hurting. I had to talk to him. Even though I didn't know if confronting him was going to make my life a total mess or be the strangest, best thing ever.

I'd hardly left my room since everyone returned to campus. I was still figuring out what I wanted to say to Kayden and how, but I'd decided today was the day. We had practice, but afterward, we needed to talk. If he'd talk to me. He would, right? This was Kayden. No way would he ghost me if I tried to approach him. Would I have to apologize? Ugh, I hated saying sorry. That right there was a testament as to how much I was in over my head for this guy. I didn't apologize to anyone.

Still, as confident as I was that he would talk to me, my nerves were riding high when I entered the rink. As usual, me and Silas were the first guys here, and slowly, the rest of our teammates trickled in. There was the usual talk—about Christmas break, raunchy jokes, and comments about our upcoming game against the number one college hockey team, Langston.

I didn't hear Kayden's voice, but I knew exactly when he arrived. Call it a premonition, but it was weird. I'd never been in tune with anyone like that before. It was frightening how badly I wanted to see him, so much that my body began to tremble the moment he stepped into the room.

I rushed to put on my gear, trying to hide the fact that my hands were shaking.

When I looked up and saw Kayden staring right back at me, I nearly blurted out my relief that he was here. And that he was finally looking at me. Really looking at me. Then I realized he had on my resting bitch face. This wasn't going to be as easy as I'd imagined.

"Hey Maddox, what's going on?" Ethan asked out loud, our teammates turning to stare. "Why's Kayden scowling, and you look like you're lost? You guys switch personalities?"

The guys laughed at that, but I didn't find it funny at all. Accurate, but not amusing.

"At least we have personalities, Ethan. That's more than I can say for you," I spat out.

"Ooh, the snark is back! Thank fuck," Jace quipped and gave me a nod.

I nodded in return. Damn fucking right. I might be starting to like the guys around here, but that didn't mean I was gonna start smiling or acting nice or anything.

"Don't tell me you're still wearing that stupid bracelet," Axel sneered as he stepped closer to me. He glanced from me to Kayden again. "What are you guys, like BFFs now?"

Axel turned to me with sharp eyes. Did he know? Could everyone tell how I felt about Kayden?

"We've won the last two games, so it stays," I bit out, recalling the superstitions hockey players are known for. "Are you okay with that? You wanna see what brand of underwear I have on too?"

Axel gave me his middle finger and stalked away. Asshole. I turned to Kayden and the look he gave me said he was scared as fuck they were on to us.

So much for my confidence.

Practice was brutal. It felt like I hadn't stepped foot in the gym for a year. Coach was in a demanding mood too, pushing drill after drill, until hours later, we were all sweaty and sore and begging for practice to end.

Kayden loosened up and started talking to everyone. Except me. I was counting down the seconds until this practice was over so I could finally talk to him alone.

Coach blew his whistle and motioned for everyone to gather close. I skated up to the group and glanced at Kayden. He was looking anywhere but at me. The knot in my stomach tightened.

"You guys are slow today and I get it," Banning bellowed. "We've come back from the holiday break. Too much food and not enough activity. But now's not the time to slack off."

Banning paused and looked directly at Silas. The defenseman was leaning on his stick, sweat soaking his beard, and he didn't look happy. And I didn't miss the way Coach bit his lip and shook his head.

"I don't need to remind you who we're facing on Saturday. But Langston College is not infallible. They've had a lot of lineup changes this season. And they've lost another star player, this time, to Wheaton U. Rest up tonight, do a light workout tomorrow, and be back here in two days, ready to win that game," Banning crossed his arms. "Good practice. Get out of here."

I skated back to my net, grabbed my stick and my blocker, and followed the rest of my teammates off the ice. I needed to grab Kayden's attention, but I had to find the right moment. Thankfully, he was busy chatting up Dane, and while the rest of the team showered, changed, and left, Kayden was one of the last ones standing. With his friend. Who was now giving me the stink eye. No surprise there.

Once I had my jersey off and then my chest protector, I ambled over to Kayden, my hands sweaty, my heart beating like a wild thing.

"I need to talk to you."

Dane turned silent.

Kayden finally turned around and looked at me. I stared up at him, and I forgot everything that I was going to say. Not that I was going to say it here, with Dane listening. But still, my mouth was dry, and a horrible lump sat in my throat. He could deny it all he wanted, but he was hurt. Angry yes, but hurt more than anything. I could see it in his eyes. He was shit at hiding how he felt.

"If it's about the econ class, don't worry. I got eighty-seven on the final and I got my C on the course. And I don't need any further help?—"

"It's not that."

"Then no, I don't want to talk to you."

"I didn't ask if you wanted to. I said I need to."

Kayden shook his head. "Not now."

"Kayden, is everything okay?" Dane asked as he stepped up to us.

"Everything's fine," I snapped.

"Is it?" Dane bit out and glared at me. "And I wasn't asking you."

Dane was dressed, ready to leave. He pointed to the door. "Hurry up, Kay. I'll be waiting outside."

Kayden nodded, and I watched as Dane stalked off. When the door slammed shut, and we were alone, I didn't waste a second.

"Kay, I?—"

"I'm not mad," he replied as he leaned against his stall. "I mean, I was. Maybe still am, but I'll get over it. You were right. We were playing at something we shouldn't have. It's not worth it. Hockey comes first."

All I heard was ‘it's not worth it.' I wasn't worth it.

"I'm such an idiot," I bit out.

"No, you're the smart one, remember?" he scoffed. "I was reminded of that over the holidays."

"What are you talking about?"

Kayden licked his lips, and it took every ounce of strength I had left to not reach up and kiss the fuck out of him. Every day without him was excruciatingly long. I was going out of my damn mind.

"I told my parents about you," he whispered. "Not details, just the basics."

Holy fuck. I was not expecting that.

"They're more concerned about us being teammates than the fact that I'm bi. The last thing they want is for me to screw up my hockey future. But I told them it's no problem because it's done."

I shook my head. "Do you really want that? To be done?"

My body was shaking, and I was sure I was going to pass out. I placed one hand on the stall beside him and leaned in closer. Jesus, there was something about us now, hot and sweaty from practice, that turned me on like nothing else. I wanted out of the rest of my equipment. More than that, I needed to get naked and rub myself all over Kayden. I wanted to kiss him, listen to his moans, watch him come, and yes, taste his cum.

"Does this feel like a mistake?" I asked him, reaching up and cupping his jaw.

He hadn't shaved in days and the reddish-blonde stubble was rough against my fingers. I could only imagine how it would feel against my lips, my thighs, and fuck, even my ass.

His sharp inhale was all the motivation I needed to finally say what I'd been holding on to.

"I can't think about anything else. I can't study, I can't sleep." I paused and licked my lips. "I freaked out when you invited me home. I knew what was happening between us was way more than fucking, and it scares me. What I feel for you… I can't even begin to describe it, Kay. And I don't know what the fuck I'm doing except what feels right. And that's you. Only you."

I wasn't the only one shaking.

"Mad," Kayden whispered my name, his eyes never leaving mine, and I shivered. "You can't keep doing this. Not with me. I need to know you're not going to turn around tomorrow and tell me to fuck off again."

I grinned at that, the knot in my stomach finally easing. "Well, it is my favorite saying."

"I'm serious."

"So am I." I stepped closer, until our bodies touched, not wanting to be anywhere else. "And I can't guarantee I won't push you away. I told you, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Plus, you know I'm a moody ass."

Kayden reached down and cupped said ass. My cock was aching in my jock, so hard I nearly lost my train of thought.

"I want to be with you," I confessed, my words barely a whisper. "I'm asking for one more chance."

Kayden bit his lower lip. "What about the team? What about hockey?"

"Off the ice, it's you and me. We keep this private. On the ice, we do what we always do. We can separate the two. We can do this."

"Our relationship? Our rules?" Kayden asked.

"Fucking right."

He stared at me, and I held my breath, waiting for his answer. The only thing I heard was the frenzied pounding of my heartbeat.

"Even though we're keeping this secret, I want to be exclusive," Kayden added. "No one else."

"Yes."

I barely got the word out and we lunged for each other, the kiss mauling and greedy. His scruff teased my lips, the burn so good. Christ, I was frantic for his taste.

To me, days without touching Kayden felt like a whole fucking year.