Chapter 29

CHAPTER 29

MADDOX

A WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS brEAK

" C ome home with me."

"What?"

Kayden and I were in the library again, in a private room, studying. Or trying to. For the past two hours, he kept squeezing my thigh and dropping heated kisses on my neck, and it was driving me crazy. He drove me crazy. We'd been fooling around any chance we could get, and it was only getting better, hotter, and more addictive.

I didn't just want his touch—I needed it. Craved it. We hadn't gone any further than hand jobs and blow jobs, though, because we were always rushed. We didn't want to get caught, either by his roommate or the students on my floor. We both wanted more, but there was never any time. Or maybe we were both too scared to take that next step. It was sex, and yet, I knew it was way more.

I was in over my head. I liked being with him. And it sparked a panic inside me. A panic that was getting bigger. The voice in my head told me I was no good for someone like him.

And now this?

"Come home with me for Christmas," Kayden repeated.

No way. Me and family didn't mix. I didn't have one anymore, and I wasn't about to face a pity party from his.

I shook my head.

"I'm staying here. I've got to finish up a coding job, and I'm going to enjoy the peace while the hordes of students are gone."

"You shouldn't spend the holiday alone," Kayden replied.

"I spent Thanksgiving alone, so what's the difference?"

"You mean you didn't go home to Toronto?"

"Nope," I muttered. "And for what? I don't have a home there anymore."

I wasn't saying that to get his sympathy. It was the blunt truth.

"What about Daniel? You said his family fostered you."

I'd told Kayden a bit about my life back home in Toronto. Not a lot of detail. Just that I had no family left, and that I had to be fostered for a few years. Part of me wanted to spill my guts about the rest of it. The why. The other part of me wanted to stay silent. Move on. Not let it tarnish everything I was working toward. And I was still getting used to the fact that I had someone, other than my therapist, to tell.

"I did, but that was before I turned eighteen. I don't have to go back there now. And he's got his own family. I'm not a part of that anymore. Besides, he invited me, but I already said no."

That wasn't Daniel talking; it was all me. I appreciated everything he'd done for me, helping me navigate life when I had to leave my father's place. But being around Daniel, his wife, and his kid made me wish for things I wanted but would never have. My mom, the only family I had, was gone. Now it was just me.

"I still want you to come home with me," Kayden implored.

I stared at him. At the honeyed eyes, golden freckles, and wide smile that had a chokehold on me. One that was getting way too tight. I couldn't breathe, and I needed to be let loose.

Meeting his family sounded like dating. And I didn't want Kayden to think we were in any kind of relationship at this point. Nothing beyond sex. And hockey. And school. Okay, maybe we were friends who fucked. Fuck buddies. No, I wasn't anyone's ‘buddy.' In fact, trying to put any kind of label on what was happening made me itchy as hell. Relationships had rules, and the only ones I followed were my own.

"No," I repeated, and shoved his hand off my leg. "Fucking around has been fun, but it's time we call it quits."

"Just like that?"

I recognized the hurt in Kayden's voice, and I saw in it his eyes. But it couldn't be helped. I wasn't cut out to be… whatever this was we were doing. Or I was playing at. The only game I was good at was hockey. Anything else felt totally out of my league.

"Yeah, just like that," I bit out, grabbed my shit, and got up. "I gotta go."

I expected Kayden to stop me, but he just sat there, staring.

"And finals?"

"We can squeeze in one more study session. Just no more touching."

"Got it," he snapped and looked away.

"Kay, look. I was honest with you. I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm gay, never mind, anything else. And I told you I'm not cut out for this shit."

"This shit?"

"You know what I mean."

"No, I really don't. Cause I thought you were into me, I thought you liked me, hell, maybe even—" he paused and shook his head. "Whatever. It's just me being stupid again."

"What did I say about you calling yourself that?" I bit out.

"You're right." He glared at me. I'd never seen him this angry. "This time, you're the one who's acting dumb. Just go already."

I headed for the door, and I didn't look back. This was better for both of us. Kayden was under enough pressure with his classes. What if we got caught? The last thing he needed was to be outed. And me? With every passing week, I realized that one day I'd be okay with telling people I was queer. But telling people I was into Kayden? That was a whole other thing. A truth that could threaten everything we were working for.

I walked back to the dorm, but unfortunately, Dane spotted me when I was halfway across campus.

"Maddox!" he called out and ran up to me.

"What?"

"I just wanted to say hi," Dane replied. "Wait. I thought Kayden had a study session with you today?"

"He did," I snapped. "It's done."

Dane looked at me, his expression confused. "Okay, sorry I mentioned it. Everything all right?"

"I'm helping him with his course. That's all. There's nothing else going on."

Dane raised one eyebrow. Shit. He knew. He fucking knew. Duh, he's Kayden's closest friend. Why was I surprised?

"You know?" I bit out.

He nodded. "He needed advice, someone to talk to. To figure things out."

"And he told you everything?"

"Not everything, but enough. And he came to me because—" Dane looked around and then whispered. "Fuck it. He came to because I'm queer. Jackson and I are together. And when Kayden came to us with questions about possibly being into a guy, of course he told me. He thought he was straight until?—"

"Until me."

Fuck, fuck.

Dane nodded. "But I haven't said anything to anyone. I wouldn't. I'm only out to a few close friends, and I'd never do that to anyone."

I nodded.

"But I have to tell you, the two of you being involved and on the same team is risky."

"Not anymore."

Dane stared at me. "What do you mean? What did you do?"

"What I should've done weeks ago. Put a stop to it," I hissed. "Like you said, it's risky. And neither of us needs that right now."

Dane's expression went from concerned to angry. "Where is he?"

"Still at the library."

"If you've hurt him, I?—"

"No one's hurt, Dane. There are no feelings involved, okay? It was sex. And it's done. Now we're back to being…nothing."

Those words tasted vile, but it was necessary. I should've cut this thing off before it started. Letting my dick rule my brain was the biggest mistake.

Then I glanced down at my wrist. At that damn bracelet Kayden made. The one I'd yet to take off. Salty. Angry bee … The ridiculous words reverberated in my head, and they wouldn't leave . I wanted to rip the bracelet off and throw it in the garbage. Never look at it again. But when I touched it, I couldn't.

What the fuck was wrong with me?

"You've been a grumpy prick since you got here, but that was fine," Dane snapped. "I didn't care. As long as you played hard and gave your all on the ice, that's all that mattered to me. But I know Kayden. He doesn't take friendship lightly. And you know what? You're all he's talked about for months, so don't tell me there are no feelings involved. Kayden sees something in you. What, I have no fucking idea."

Dane stormed off in the direction of the library, and I stood there with nothing left to say.

What did Kayden see in me? I didn't have a clue either.