Chapter Fourteen

Fourteen

Lucas

“Where’re you rushing off so quickly to?” Benny calls from across the yard as I hurry to finish spraying the weed killer around the edges of a fence.

“To see my friend in town.”

“The one who yelled at you about his car?” Vicki asks.

“Yeah. That one.” Even though it was only a handful of days ago, it feels like months. I know Shawn’s not going to randomly start trusting me, but he’s opening up a little bit more every time we see each other. He mentioned this morning that his next job isn’t for a couple weeks, and I got the feeling he’s thinking about staying until then. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to pressure him, but I’ve been hoping all day that it’s what he decides to do.

“He was cute,” Vicki says, a hint of teasing in her voice. “Where’d you meet him?”

“He was someone my parents fostered for a while back when we were teens.”

“And you guys kept in touch all this time? Why haven’t you mentioned him before?”

“Because we didn’t keep in touch. He came back to town a few days ago, and we met up.” I spray some more of the weed killer before adding softly, “He had it really rough before us, and then my dad did something that made Shawn run away one night. It was the last time I saw him until recently.”

“Oh.” Her smile dims a little. “Well, I’m glad you two managed to find each other again. You’ve seemed happier these past few days.”

“Have I?” I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised. I’ve felt it too. Despite the argument with my dad and hearing the truth about why Shawn left in the first place, I have been happier.

Vicki laughs. “You have it so bad. Look at you! We need to meet this guy.”

“He’s leaving soon,” I reply, privately thinking that Shawn would kill me if I dragged him out here to meet these people. They’re really nice, and I know they’d love him, but I get the feeling that Shawn would be overwhelmed by it. Or he’d think I was doing it to try to convince him to stay. I don’t want to do that. I want him to want to stay for himself, not just for me.

“Is he going to visit again?” Vicki asks.

“I don’t know yet. I’m hoping.” I can’t even put into words how much I’m hoping he’ll come back. But I also want him to be happy. And if Charleston’s not the place for him, I’ll have to accept that. Because I want Shawn to know that no matter where he ends up, he’ll always have a home with me.

***

As soon as I get off work, I go home and take a quick shower before heading to the hotel Shawn’s staying at. We’re supposed to have dinner tonight. It’s the first time he’s asked me out. I can’t help but take it as a sign.

When I get to the right floor, I head for Shawn’s room only to see a cleaning lady with a cart holding his door open. I glance inside to find the room completely empty. Shawn hadn’t been traveling with much in the first place, but it’s all gone now.

“Where’s the guy who was staying in here?” I ask the lady.

She shrugs. “He checked out a couple hours ago.”

My stomach drops, and I turn away from her without really knowing what I’m doing. The only thing I can hear is my pulse pounding in my ears. I’d known there was a chance Shawn would leave, but I really thought he wouldn’t. I thought he would honor his promise and not leave without saying goodbye.

When I leave the hotel, I stop in the parking lot to check my phone because surely he would’ve texted or called to tell me he was leaving, but he didn’t.

I get in the car and stare at my steering wheel, unsure where to go. A tiny part of my brain keeps nagging at me, telling me this has something to do with my dad and everything that happened when Natalie got sick. But I can’t chase after Shawn. Not only because I don’t know where he’s going, but because it’s his choice.

No matter what my father may or may not have said to him, Shawn chose to leave. And if he did run away because of that, then I should let him go. He spent his whole life going where everyone else told him to go. No home and no family calling him back. I’ve made it clear how I feel about him. I can love him as much as I can, but I can’t force him to love himself. I can’t force him to put his own wants over someone else’s.

My thumb hovers over my dad’s cell number, but I can’t bring myself to call him. What would it matter what he said to Shawn? I’ll find out one day, when I’m ready to talk to him. Right now, I can’t imagine hearing his voice. Listening to his excuses. Dad’s never exactly been gentle, but I knew he was a good guy. He didn’t like the idea of fostering, but he felt sorry for Shawn and let him come live with us. Now I don’t know what to think of him.

Losing Natalie changed Mom too, but I have a difficult time picturing her acting the same way. And if Dad told us that what made Shawn leave was Natalie’s cancer, that means he was doing this long before she passed away.

Maybe I shouldn’t be judging him because while I lost a sister, he lost a daughter. And I can’t imagine the pain that comes with losing a child. But how much am I supposed to forgive? How much am I supposed to let go of in the name of grief?