Chapter Fifteen

Fifteen

Shawn

I make it as far as Atlanta before stopping. My stomach is knotted up, and my heart hasn’t felt right since I left Charleston. I can’t believe I ran away from Lucas again. There’s no way in hell he’s ever going to forgive me. If I’m even brave enough to ever look him in the eye again.

I get another hotel room and make my way up the stairs to it, each step harder than the last. When I’m finally locked safely inside, I toss my bag on chair in the corner, then collapse on the bed.

My eyes are hot and burning with tears, but I don’t let them fall. I hate crying. When I was little, all that ever earned me was more lashes from my dad. I’m pretty sure the last time I cried was when I visited Natalie in the hospital.

I made the right decision by leaving Charleston. I’d deluded myself into thinking I could have something with Lucas again. But Richard was right. I don’t deserve someone like Lucas. He’s so good and pure and kind. It’s better for both of us if I just stay gone.

My phone buzzes with an incoming video call, and I glance at it to see Shanna calling. I don’t really want to talk to anyone, but if it’s about the job, I need to take care of it.

I wipe my eyes and then answer the call, giving Shanna and Mark a smile. “Hey, what’s up?”

Mark frowns. “You okay? You look rough.”

Shanna swats his arm, and it makes me laugh despite everything.

“I’m fine,” I say. “I’ve just been on the road.”

“I thought you were thinking about staying in Charleston a little longer,” Mark says. “What happened with that guy you were seeing?”

I swallow and try to tell them that nothing happened, that it was just time to leave, but instead, I find myself telling them everything. From the moment we learned about Natalie’s cancer all the way to earlier today when Richard cornered me at the cemetery.

It’s weird to tell so much to these two people who are practically strangers, but it feels natural. Like the story was waiting for the right people to come along before it was comfortable enough to be shared.

When I’m finished, my mouth is dry from talking, but I feel better. A little lighter.

Mark is the first one to speak. “I’ve obviously never been in that situation, but I think you should just tell Richard to fuck the hell off.”

I laugh. “I can’t do that. That’s his dad, Mark.”

“I’m serious. If Shanna’s dad had done that to me, you really think I wouldn’t still be marrying her? When it’s the right person, it’s the right person, Shawn.”

“But what if I’m not the right person for him?” I don’t mean for the question to come out. It’s so fucking vulnerable that I consider hanging up on them instantly.

But Shanna speaks, stopping me. “Shawn, did what Richard say really prompt you to leave? Or is it just what your mind is using to justify leaving because you’re scared of what’s happening between you and Lucas?”

My face warms, and I look away from the screen. “I don’t know.”

“Well, you should really think about it,” Shanna says. “Because if you’re making decisions for Lucas, that’s not a good relationship. He should get to make a choice too.”

I nod because she’s right, even if I hate it. I did take away Lucas’s choice. I should’ve talked to him first. Told him everything that was going on so we could reach some kind of conclusion together.

Right now, I’m doing exactly the same as what I did eight years ago. I’m running away. Except this time, I don’t need to run.

This time, I need to stay.

***

I get back to Charleston as fast as I can. It’s almost midnight, but I head to Lucas’s apartment anyway. I’m afraid if I wait, I might lose my nerve.

After I ring the bell, it’s the longest ten seconds of my life before Lucas opens the door. He’s still dressed, and his eyes are alert. “Shawn.”

“I’m sorry.”

He’s quiet for a few seconds, studying my face. Then he asks, “For what?”

There are so many things I could apologize for, but none of them matter. Only this one. “I’m sorry for breaking my promise and leaving again without saying goodbye.”

“Why did you?”

I lower my gaze, unsure what to tell him. I hadn’t planned this far ahead. His dad was a big driving reason why I took off again. But he wasn’t the real reason. “I was afraid. I was scared that maybe you might realize you could do better than me, and you’d leave me. And I wanted to leave you before I could get left. Again.”

He’s silent for a few more seconds, then widens his door, allowing me to enter the apartment. As soon as I step inside, I’m hit the memory of what we did just a few days ago in here. The scent of Lucas’s cologne lingers in the air, and the lights in the place are dim again. Just like that night.

“I’m glad you came back,” Lucas says, shutting and locking the door.

I turn back to look at him, my heart lodged up in my throat. “I’ve never had someone want me, Lucas. I don’t know what to do with it.”

Slowly, he reaches out and takes my hand. “I’ll help you. Through all of it. But I need you to be honest with me, Shawn. I can’t come home every day, hoping you haven’t run off again. I won’t live like that.”

“I won’t,” I say, meaning it with everything in me. “I swear I won’t.”

His thumb rubs the back of my hand, and he says quietly, “I’m always going to want you, Shawn. No matter what parts of you that you show me. It’s never going to be too much for me.”

I swallow past the tightness in my throat, willing my voice not to shake. “The thought of not being good enough for you scares the hell out of me.”

He tugs on my hand, pulling me close to him. His arms wrap around me, and I lay my head on his chest, and it feels like coming home.

“Don’t you ever think that,” she says fiercely. “You’re everything I want, Shawn. And that’s not going to change.”

I breathe in his scent, letting it wash over me. Calm me. We have so much to talk about. Decisions to make about where we’re going from here. But right now, I don’t want to talk. I just want to live in the moment with him.

I turn my head and press a kiss to the base of his throat before moving my mouth lower to the collar of his shirt then down to his chest.

“Shawn,” he groans. “I need you out of these clothes.”

Heat sends a shiver through my body, and I don’t hesitate to back up and pull my clothes off. I still keep my chest to him so he can’t see my back with all the scars. Then I drop to my knees in front of Lucas and look up at him. “I want to pleasure you in every way possible.”

Lucas smiles and reaches out to cup my cheek. “And I want to make you come in every way possible. I want you bent over at the waist, hands on the mattress.”

Now I pause, nerves pushing through the lust in my veins. “I— My back—”

“I’m not afraid of your scars, Shawn,” Lucas says, his voice firm. “If you’re afraid to show them to me, you don’t have to. But if you’re not afraid and just nervous about what I think, then bend over and put your hands on the mattress. Now.”

He doesn’t make a move toward me to force the issue,

I hear him pop the top off a bottle of lube, then his fingers are at my entrance.

“You know,” he starts, pushing a finger deep into me, “I like it when you take me without any kind of preparation.” He pulls the first finger out to shove it back in, along with a second. “But there’s something about being knuckle deep inside you that does something to me. I love the heat of you. How tightly you squeeze my fingers.”

I whimper, and my knees shake, but I stay standing in the position he put me in. His fingers work me open effortlessly, taking his time to feel every inch of me that he can reach. Brushing my prostate over and over without lingering at all. Giving me just a glimpse of how good it’s going to feel when he’s finally inside me.

“Lucas…”

“Not yet, baby,” he cuts me off before I can even ask for anything. The term of endearment has more heat pooling in my belly. I don’t know why the word is so much sexier coming out of Lucas’s mouth, but it makes me feel so desirable. So wanted.

I try to press my ass back, seeking his cock, but he puts his free hand on my right cheek, halting any movement.

“Be good if you want me to fuck you,” he teases, slowly pulling his fingers out before thrusting them back in again.

My knees hit the mattress, and I grip the blankets tightly in my fists. “Fuck, Lucas.”

“I want to take you just like this,” he murmurs. “Bent over with your ass on display for me. Begging me to fuck you.”

“Please, I want it too. Lucas, I can’t—”

He shushes me as he slowly eases his fingers out of me. He doesn’t push them back in this time, but he doesn’t start fucking me either. Instead, he just remains behind me, and I can feel his gaze on my body, just looking.

I feel the urge to fidget or shift, but I refrain. I need him inside me, and following his instructions is the best way to make that happen. Because I’m afraid if he doesn’t get his cock in me soon, I’m going to combust.

Finally, after what feels like a century, I hear the condom wrapper opening. Then Lucas grips my hips and pulls me back, sliding his thick cock deep inside me.

I sigh at the rightness of it, even as the twinges of pain start. No matter how much he stretches me with his fingers, they’re still no match for his girth.

He keeps hold of my hips as he pulls out all the way to the tip before slamming back into me again.

I cry out and grip the blankets tighter, my fingers digging into the mattress. He doesn’t give me a second to adjust before he does it again and then a third time, snapping his hips harder with each thrust.

I widen my stance a little more, trying to accommodate his pace and strength, but it doesn’t help much. All I can do is stay bent over while he plows into me over and over. And I realize I like it. I love the feeling of Lucas taking whatever he wants, using my body however he wants. Because I want to be the one to give him everything. To make him see how much I love him.

“You feel so fucking good,” Lucas says, panting with each word. “You take me so well.”

“I always want to take you.” My breath hitches as he slams into me again, nearly making me collapse on the mattress. “I never want anyone else to touch you again.”

“You don’t have to worry about that.” He rocks into me again, sending me onto my tiptoes to stay upright. “I could spend the rest of my life watching you come.”

A whimper falls from my mouth as Lucas slides one hand between my legs to pump my leaking cock. His touch is all it takes. I come with a scream, my vision nearly whiting out as wave after wave of pleasure washes over me.

Lucas keeps pounding into me even when I’m empty, but I ignore the pain starting from the oversensitivity and keep my back arched, allowing him to sink in as deep as he needs to.

“Fuck, Shawn.” His words come out as a growl, then he pulls me even closer to him as he spills his load into me. He leans forward, pressing his chest to my back. One of his hands moves from my hip to lie beside mine on the mattress.

Lucas runs his thumb over the back of my hand and presses a kiss to my shoulder. “I love you.”

I want to tell him the same, but the words get lodged in my throat. I’ve never said that to anyone. So what I say instead is, “No one’s ever told me that before.”

He pulls away, and I feel suddenly cold and really aware of the fact that I’m naked.

Lucas ties the condom off and gets rid of it before grabbing his jeans from the floor. Since he’s getting dressed, I do the same. My hands are shaking a little. I can’t believe I admitted that to him. Who would ever want to be with someone that’s never been loved by anyone? Not even their own parents.

“I’m sorry.” I don’t even realize I’m going to say it. Suddenly, the words are just out there between us.

Lucas pulls his shirt over his head before looking at me. “What are you sorry for?”

My throat’s too tight to speak, and I hate that I ruined this. We were having such a nice moment. I’d started thinking that maybe Lucas was right. Maybe I didn’t always have to run away. But now…

“Shawn.” Lucas lifts a hand and cups the side of my face. “I’m not angry, and I’m not leaving. I started getting dressed because I wanted to have a real conversation with you. Face to face. Okay?”

I still feel like I can’t speak, so I just nod.

His thumb rubs across my cheek, and when he smiles, his eyes are sad. “I’m sorry no one’s ever said that to you before.”

My face warms, and I look away from him as best I can with his hand still holding me in place. “It’s not a big deal. I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m sorry. I got nervous.”

“Why? Because I said it?”

I shrug, wishing I’d kept my mouth shut. “I guess.”

“I’m sorry it makes you nervous,” he says softly. “But, Shawn, I have to keep saying it. It’s not going to change. I do love you. I have since I was sixteen years old.”

“No.” The word slips out of me, and once it does, I can’t stop myself from saying the rest. “You don’t know what I did when I went back out on the streets. The things I did to survive…”

“I don’t need to know about that,” he says, caressing my cheek again. “If you ever want to talk to me about it, I’m here for you. But I promise that nothing you say is going to change my mind about you.”

I flick my gaze up to meet his, searching his eyes to see if I can find a lie. There isn’t one. He’s telling me the truth. “What if… What if I don’t deserve you?”

“Oh, baby.” He pulls me close, letting me rest my head on his shoulder as he holds me. “There’s no chance of that ever happening. You deserve everything good in life. And I promise I’ll do everything I can to help you realize that.”

There’s so much certainty in his voice that it scares me. But I take a deep breath, inhaling the scent of Lucas that reminds me so much of being safe. Then I wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly, telling him without words how much I love him too.