Chapter 59

59

JASON

We'd been able to run together twice in the last week since that first time had been a bust. The other two times, Zach had seemed much more himself, and I hoped that meant he'd been getting more sleep. He had also talked to Sarah about the party on the Fourth, and surprisingly, she'd agreed to come. The diner closed around four that day, so the family would be able to come over after that.

Zach's joy and enthusiasm were contagious, and I found myself slipping a little further toward the point of no return. That place where I'd have to admit I had feelings for him, and then I'd have to decide what I was going to do about it. It was why I'd hesitated asking Chief if I could have the Fourth off. It was a way of pumping the breaks, of making sure I was proceeding with caution.

And yet I'd found myself knocking on Chief's door Tuesday morning, just a couple of days before the holiday, requesting the time off. He'd been hesitant, but when I reminded him that I hadn't taken a single Fourth of July off since I'd joined the AFD, he'd relented. I should have been scared by just how excited I was by the prospect of attending Zach's party, but I think I'd known I was always heading this way, toward Zach, since the moment I'd punched him at the end of May.

Okay, maybe not at that exact moment, but not long after. I'd always been drawn to him. Why should it be any different nine years later?

I arrived a little after five with a plate of watermelon and a dozen ears of corn ready for the grill. I'd been restless with nerves most of the day, so I'd kept myself busy by doing household chores and prepping the food. I'd driven into Brinkley to see Mandy and my new nephew she delivered yesterday. She and her husband looked exhausted but happy. Mom and Dad had been there visiting, too, but were planning on heading out to Grandma and Grandpa's house later.

I stepped around to the back of the house, where the sounds of a party could be heard floating on the breeze. There was a good crowd of people milling about. Some on the deck, some on the patio around the fire pit, and more still down on the dock. I stopped at the food table, dropping off the watermelon, then headed for the grill where Zach was flipping burgers while laughing with Drea. She said something that made him throw his head back in laughter, and time stood still. I took a moment to absorb the sight of him looking so happy and free.

It was so rare to see him radiate unrestrained joy like that, I realized. Even back in the day, when he'd put on the appearance of being carefree, there'd always been something deeper lurking just behind that smile. Grief over losing his mother. The weight of expectation from his father. The pressure he put on himself to be the person he thought everyone expected him to be. I thought he might have shed some of that weight over the last nine years, but I wondered if it had just been replaced with new worries and challenges, especially after what I'd learned, or at least suspected, about the state of his mental health. At that moment, though, I was grateful for this glimpse of true happiness. He was so goddamned beautiful.

Time moved forward again and our eyes met, his face lighting up impossibly brighter at the sight of me. I was helpless to do anything but smile in return.

"Hey! You made it!"

"I brought corn for the grill."

"Perfect. I'm going to finish these burgers and hot dogs for the kids, and then I've got chicken legs and thighs to go on next. I'll put the corn on with that."

"Sounds good."

I handed over the corn, which he transferred to a small table he'd set up next to the grill to act as a workstation. The three of us chatted while he worked. Drea had also visited Mandy earlier today, so we compared notes on my new nephew. She talked about the dance studio and how summer classes were going.

It sounded like the guy she'd hired, Thomas, would be here toward the end of the month, just in time to start choreography boot camps for the competition team. Drea seemed pretty excited to have him on board. Apparently, he'd been working in New York and had toured with a couple of Broadway shows for several years. It sounded like he had quite the resume.

As food was served and bellies were filled, Zach was free to move away from the grill, and we found ourselves sitting on the dock with our feet in the water. Most of the kids were done swimming for the day and had moved on to playing yard games while they awaited the fireworks. I noticed Drea chatting with a woman near the fire pit. She looked around our age or maybe a couple of years older and had her dirty-blond hair pulled into a messy bun.

"Is that Sarah over there talking to Drea?"

Zach looked over in the direction I indicated. "Yeah, I was surprised when she accepted my invitation." We watched as Drea laughed at something Sarah said, both of them smiling and talking animatedly. "It's good to see her smiling."

"Who? Sarah or Drea?"

"Both. Is Drea happy, do you think? I mean, I know you guys are close…closer than you were back in the day."

"She's like a sister to me. In a lot of ways, I'm closer to her than I am to Mandy. We just always…connected. As for her happiness…that's harder to answer and probably a question you should ask her."

"I'm glad she had you while I was off…avoiding the people I should have been here for."

On instinct, I reached for his hand, threading his fingers through mine. It didn't sit right with me, hearing him beat himself up like that, and I realized I didn't want him punishing himself for that anymore. I didn't want him beating himself up for things I now knew he had no control over. I believed him when he said he wanted to reach out but couldn't. And I didn't want him to suffer over it any longer.

Oh shit.

With that realization came a shift. I was ready to let go of it. Of the hurt and anger and resentment. Zach couldn't change the past. What was done was done. He was trying to make it right, and that counted for something, maybe counted for everything.

"Maybe. But you also had a pro-soccer career. Don't minimize that accomplishment."

"But look at what I almost missed out on." He nodded to our hands that were clasped between us, his voice filled with anguish. "I hurt you. And her."

He nodded toward his sister, his words coming out faster and faster as he became more agitated. "The two most important people in my life. I'm sorry, Jason. I'm so so sorry."

His eyes overflowed with tears, and I could see he was struggling to breathe.

"Hey, hey, hey." I placed my free hand in the center of his chest, pulling his hand up to the center of mine and holding it there. "Look at me. Breathe, okay? Just breathe with me."

His eyes locked on mine, and we inhaled and exhaled together in slow, measured breaths until he was calm again. I'd done this one other time with him at the hospital after our sisters' accident, only that time had been much worse and had taken longer for him to settle.

"Okay?" I asked, and he nodded. "How often does that happen?"

He shrugged his shoulders, averting his gaze. "It happened a lot after I went back to LA. Nowadays, maybe once or twice a year."

I tipped his chin up so he was looking at me. "Did you make that therapy appointment?"

"I meant to, but I've been busy wrapping up the camps. I'm sorry."

"Honey, you don't have to apologize. I don't want you to do this for me. I want you to do it for yourself."

He held my gaze for a long moment, then nodded his head. "You're right. I'll make the call." He stood and offered me his hand. "I should probably check on my guests. Come with me?"