Chapter 60

60

ZACH

I hated that Jason had seen me so upset. I'd thought retiring from soccer would alleviate most of the pressure I'd been under, but it would seem that coming back here had just stirred up a different type of stress. Between the nightmares and worry over Sean, on top of trying to reconnect in whatever way I could with Jason, my nerves were frayed.

I knew Jason was right. I needed to make an appointment with a therapist. I didn't have anything against them. Drea had been seeing one for years and swore it was a huge help to her. I just hadn't particularly thought I needed one. And I had been busy with the camps. But those were finished, and I really didn't have an excuse to put it off anymore.

At the moment, though, I wanted to concentrate on other things. Like the feel of Jason's hand in mine as we walked toward the house. He hadn't let go of my hand since I helped him stand at the dock. In the last week, his attitude toward me had seemed to soften, and I'd noticed his gaze lingering on me when he thought I wasn't looking. This was the second time he'd held my hand in the last week and both times had sent butterflies swirling in my stomach.

Dusk was beginning to fall, so we grabbed the glow-in-the-dark necklaces off the kitchen counter before heading back out to distribute them to the guests. I had plenty of extras, and some of the kids took two so they could create longer necklaces or connect them and twist them around their arms.

A few minutes before ten, everyone began settling into their spots to watch the fireworks show. I smiled when I saw Sean and Rusty sitting with some other kids. Daisy was in the middle, basking in the attention.

Jason pulled me over to a lounger near the fire pit, straddling it with his back resting against the back rest. He shocked me when he tugged me down in front of him and wrapped his arms around me until my back was firmly pressed against his chest.

"This okay?" he asked, ever the gentleman.

"No complaints here," I said once I remembered how to breathe.

The first booms sounded across the lake a half-second before the sky lit up in bright bursts of color. Oohs and ahhs rang out around us, but all I could think about was Jason holding me.

Jason was holding me.

His warmth…his strength…his scent enveloped me, ten times more effective than a weighted blanket. It was the most peaceful I'd felt in a long, long time.

We watched the display for several minutes, and then I felt his lips near my ear. "I want to try again. I want to date you."

Surprised by his words, I twisted my head to look at him. "Seriously?"

"You said you didn't want to live the rest of your life without trying to make things right…"

"Yeah."

"Well I don't want to live the rest of mine without giving this another chance. I think that if I don't, I'll always wonder."

A slow smile spread across my face. "You're sure?"

In answer, he leaned forward and kissed me. We were at an awkward angle, but I didn't care. The feel of his lips on mine was like coming home. We broke apart, staring into each other's eyes as the night sky erupted behind us in what sounded like the grand finale.

"I'm positive," he whispered, brushing his nose against mine.

Applause rang out at the conclusion of the fireworks show, followed by the chatter and commotion of everyone trying to gather their belongings in the dark.

"I better say goodbye to my guests. Stay a while?"

"Yeah, I'll stay."

As the last guests left, Jason and I stood on the back deck, assessing the cleanup situation. I blew out a breath. "Sorry. When I asked you to stay, I didn't think about cleanup. This is going to take a while. You wanna grab coffee tomorrow?"

"We can grab coffee tomorrow if you want, but I'm not letting you clean this up by yourself. It'll go faster if we do it together. I'm off tomorrow, so I'm not in a hurry."

"You don't have to do that. You're a guest."

He stepped closer, placing his hand against my face and rubbing his thumb across my cheekbone. "Is that all I am? Just a guest?"

I shook my head, entranced by the look in his eye, my head spinning with this change in his demeanor toward me.

"Do your guests do this?"

He leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine. His touch was featherlight, but I felt it all the way to my toes.

"Keep doing that, and cleanup's going to take all night."

He grinned, then released me, turning toward the table where we'd arranged all the food. "I'll start working on this if you want to go down and work on the rest of the yard."

We worked efficiently, with Jason putting away leftover food and cleaning up napkins and plates that hadn't been deposited in the trashcan while I cleaned up the yard games, water toys, and life jackets. I threw a load of wet towels into the washer, and together, we wiped down the tables and furniture outside, and the countertops in the kitchen. Forty-five minutes later, I declared it close enough.

"Thanks for your help. I'll do another round outside in the daylight tomorrow morning. I'm sure there's stuff we missed. For now, I'm beat."

He grabbed my hand and tugged me forward, pulling me into him and wrapping his arms around me. "Mmm. You feel good. I've wanted to do this all night."

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to question it every time I say something like that?"

"Probably. It wasn't that long ago that you told me you weren't sure if you could ever forgive me."

"Zach?"

At his change in tone, I pulled away slightly, just enough to tilt my head back so I could look at his face. "Yeah?"

"I forgive you."

"Just like that? You said you didn't understand and?—"

"Do you understand why you did what you did?"

I frowned, not sure what he was getting at. "I told you I wanted to call, but I just couldn't."

"Right. But do you understand why you couldn't?"

"No, actually. I've never been able to figure out why I couldn't push past it."

"Maybe we can work on figuring that out together. But in the meantime, I realized tonight that even if I don't understand it, I believe you when you say you couldn't. You wanted to call me, but it was a hill you couldn't climb. I believe that, for whatever reason, you didn't have a choice. And if that's the case, then there's honestly nothing to forgive."

He was giving me the words I'd longed so desperately to hear, but I couldn't accept them. This sudden change was too good to be true.

"But I hurt you. Badly. You said I hurt you in ways you haven't recovered from. How can you forgive so easily?"

He released me but grabbed my hands, not allowing me to go too far. "You're a good man, Zach. You've done nothing but show me your goodness since you got back. The way you care about Sean. Not just Sean but his entire family. The excitement you have for the soccer program you're building. A program you created not for yourself or the glory of coaching but because you want to give back to this community. And with us, with me"—he moved my hands to his waist, then rested his on my hips—"you haven't pushed, not once. You've offered apologies but never begged for forgiveness. You've given me your words, but your actions have shown me who you truly are."

"Who am I?" I whispered, mesmerized by his speech. I thought I might be dreaming.

"Someone who cares, deeply, about others. Someone who's been beating himself up for the actions of his nineteen-year-old self for nine years. Someone who, despite all of the fear and guilt, is trying to make it right." He brushed a thumb under my right eye, swiping away the moisture I hadn't even realized had gathered there. "It's time to let it go. We can't move forward if we're still living in the past."

I closed my eyes, blowing out a shaky breath. "I'm scared," I admitted.

"Me too."

I opened my eyes. "What if I fuck it up? What if I hurt you again?"

"You won't."

"How do you know?"

He shrugged. "I don't."

"And you still want to try?"

"I do."

"I'm scared."

He chuckled. "You said that."

"I can't help it. You…this…it's what I've wanted since the moment I decided to come back, probably long before that if I really think about it. I just didn't believe I deserved it. I didn't think I'd ever be able to earn your trust again. And now, all of the sudden, you're all in? It was only a week ago that you offered to go running with me. ‘Just a run. Nothing more. Nothing less.' Remember? It feels too good to be true. Like the rug is going to be pulled out from under me. What if everything I ever wanted finally happens, and it gets taken away?"

I choked on a sob. I could feel the panic climbing up my throat, making my thoughts spin faster and faster, but I couldn't grab hold of them.

"Shh. Honey, you're getting worked up again. C'mere."

Jason pulled me into his arms, holding me close so his chest pressed against mine. He took deep, steady breaths, and I instinctively matched his pace. When I calmed down enough to breathe properly again, he pulled back, cradling either side of my face in his hands. He peered into my eyes intently, making sure I was okay.

"That's twice in one night. I'm really starting to worry."

"I'm sorry. I've had a hard time controlling my emotions lately. There's just been so much going on, and I'm still not sleeping well."

"Still having the nightmares?"

"Not every night, but yeah, they're still making regular appearances."

He rubbed his thumb over my cheekbone. "Want me to stay here tonight?"

"You don't have to. This is all still new. I don't want you to feel like we're rushing things. I'll be okay."

"What if I want to stay? What if I want to hold you all night and chase those bad dreams away?"

I closed my eyes, battling between what I thought was the right thing to do and what my heart so desperately wanted. When I opened them again to find his eyes fixed so tenderly on mine, there was really only one answer.

"Then…stay."