Chapter 58

58

JASON

I pulled into Zach's driveway just a few minutes after five on Thursday morning. We moved the start time earlier to account for the extra time he needed to pick up Sean before camp. Zach was sitting on the front step with his head in his hands, and when he looked up, he offered me a weak smile.

"Morning," I called out, my smile faltering as I wondered if everything was alright.

"Hey. We should get going."

At the sight of the dark circles under his eyes and the weariness of his tone, I put my hand out and stopped him. "What's wrong?"

He waved me off. "I just didn't sleep very well. I'm fine." He turned toward the path but stopped when I didn't follow. "Are you coming?"

"Zach, if you're not up for it, we don't have to do this today."

"What makes you think I'm not up for it?"

"You're barely holding yourself up. Come on, let's go sit on the deck and talk. I'm sure I can't talk you into taking the day off, but let's at least take it easy until you have to get ready to leave."

His posture slumped in defeat, but I thought I saw a hint of relief in his eyes. We made our way around to the back, climbing up the steps to the deck and into the kitchen, where he pulled out a couple of mugs. "I started a pot of coffee so it would be ready by the time I got back. You want?"

"Sure."

He poured us a couple of mugs, then led the way back out to the deck. The lake was peaceful this morning, with just a hint of a breeze sending ripples across the otherwise still surface of the water. After a few moments of sipping our coffee in silence, I asked, "So why the trouble sleeping? Are you still worried about Sean?"

"I am. And his situation isn't helping, but I've actually been having nightmares again."

I paused with my mug halfway to my lips, my eyebrows drawn up. "Again?"

He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and blew out a breath like he was steadying himself. "You probably don't remember, but the night before I went back to LA, I had a bad dream. You asked if I wanted to talk about it, but I brushed it off. It became a recurring thing after I went back to LA, but eventually trickled down to a few times a year, usually around the anniversary of either Drea's or Mom's accidents. I have other nightmares sometimes, usually stress-related, but it's been a couple of years since I've had this particular one. I thought maybe they were gone, but they started coming back the night I met Sean, and I've had several since."

My stomach dropped and I set my mug down, giving him my full attention. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He shrugged. "It's always a car accident. Not always the same car and not always the same location, but it's always overturned on its roof. I run to the door and wrench it open to find… Well, that first time, Mom was the driver, and then she morphed into Drea, and then you, but over the years, the faces have varied. It's still typically one or all three of you, but every so often, Clayton and my dad get added into the mix. I shake you, or whoever it is, screaming at you to wake up, and then I usually wake up myself."

"Jesus, Zach." I couldn't imagine experiencing a dream like that once, let alone over and over again for years . "And you said they started up again after you met Sean?"

He nodded. "It's not hard to figure out why. Sean wasn't in a car accident, but I've been thinking about Mom more lately because of his situation."

Zach looked so lost. So fragile. More even than he'd looked when I'd run into him at the hospital. My fingers twitched with the urge to pull him onto my lap and hold him close. Even after all this time, I just wanted to soothe his hurts.

"Is there anything that helps?"

He shook his head and shrugged at the same time in an awkward gesture of defeat. "Not really. I'm usually able to go back to sleep after I get up and stretch. But the only thing I've found that keeps them at bay long-term is time. Hopefully they've reached their peak frequency and then will start receding again. I haven't found anything else that works."

I thought about the conversation we'd had about therapy, wondering if all of this was related somehow. These nightmares had started just before he'd hit that mental wall that wouldn't let him call me. It didn't seem too much of a stretch to think those things might be related. The timing certainly checked out.

"I don't want to be pushy about this, but do you think you might reconsider seeing a therapist?"

"For having nightmares?"

Giving into the impulse, I reached for his hand. I couldn't stand allowing him to sit there looking so lost and confused without any physical contact. "What if the nightmares and the mental block about calling me are all related? And seeing Sean now is some sort of trigger?"

"Do you think so?"

I squeezed his hand. "I think it's worth looking into."

He thought about it for a moment, then sat up a little straighter, spine straightening with resolve. "I'll make some calls."

"I can give you the contact info for my therapist or I'm sure Drea'd give you the number for hers."

"You see a therapist?"

"Started seeing someone not long after you left. You weren't the only one having nightmares after the girls' accident."

His eyes shot to mine. "You had one that week, didn't you? I'd forgotten about that." I nodded. "Did the therapy help?"

"It took some time, but yeah, it helped. I still go in about once a month just to talk about whatever might be bothering me."

Zach looked down, and I followed his gaze to where our hands were clasped together on his thigh. I knew I should let go, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. The feel of his hand in mine, skin pressed palm-to-palm, felt too damn good. He looked back at me, eyes holding mine with a glimmer of hope.

This was the type of mixed message Drea had warned me about, but I wasn't sure how mixed it was. With each of our interactions, I gained a little more insight into the events that transpired in the weeks following his return to college, and I was becoming more convinced that his withdrawal from my life had been a symptom of something deeper. Something he still hadn't addressed. And despite everything, or maybe because of it, I wanted to be the one who helped him through it. So, instead of withdrawing my hand, I held on a little tighter and changed the subject.

"How's Sean doing this week? I know a little from your texts, but tell me the rest."

He hesitated, and for a moment, I thought he wouldn't allow the change of subject. But then he told me about how frustrated he'd been on Tuesday with Sean dropping out of camp and how his perception that Sarah didn't care had changed when he went over to their house. He told me about their living situation and his concern that while he was able to get Sean to camp this week, he was worried about Sean's future. And not just Sean, but the whole family. He told me how helpless he felt.

"Could you suggest being a mentor of some sort for him? Like a big brother kind of thing? Or could Sean help out with the elementary camp next week? You could keep an eye on him and give him something he can take pride in."

"I like that idea. I'll have to see if Sarah is okay with it. It's only three half-days. Plus, he could get some more time with Daisy. You should have seen him when he caught sight of her for the first time. He burst into tears."

With my free hand, I picked up my mug and sipped my now lukewarm coffee while Zach continued, "I was actually thinking about inviting his whole family over for the Fourth. I want to host a gathering and thought the kids might enjoy seeing the fireworks over the lake. I don't even know if Sarah will go for it, and maybe she has to work anyway, but I want to ask."

Well, shit. Was there anything more attractive than a guy wanting to help others? He was wearing me down bit by bit without even realizing it.

"Would you, um, be interested in coming over on the Fourth?"

The way my stomach swooped at the question indicated I was very interested, and I was disappointed I had to say no. "I'm scheduled to work on the Fourth. It's usually an all-hands-on-deck situation."

"Oh. Well, that makes sense for a firefighter, I guess. I hadn't thought of that."

"Let me check with Chief and see if there's any way I can get out of it."

"You don't have to do that. It's fine." Abruptly, he released my hand.

"Zach." I pulled his hand back into mine. "I want to be there."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I do."