Chapter 46

46

JASON

I hopped down from the truck, stripping out of my turnout gear and putting it away in the storage area next to the apparatus bay. I walked into the kitchen and pulled a Gatorade out of the fridge.

"How'd it go?" Hannah Gordon called out from the office where she was currently filing paperwork.

"Eh. Mrs. McClaskey's going to get that new kitchen she was hoping for. But thankfully, the house is still standing."

"Geez." Hannah's head popped out from the doorway, her blonde ponytail swinging with the movement. "She didn't set the fire on purpose, did she?"

I chuckled as I fiddled with the cap on my Gatorade. "Nah. She was pretty rattled. I think it was legit. Thankfully, she was quick enough to grab the fire extinguisher and had it out by the time we got there, but not before singeing the geese on the wallpaper border above the stove."

"Geese?" She arched a brow, stepping fully out of the office and leaning against the doorframe.

"Geese. Straight out of the eighties." I walked toward her, leaning on the wall opposite.

"RIP. Glad she's okay, at least."

"Yeah, she'll be alright. Shaken up, but alright."

"You going to the bonfire tonight?"

The call out to the McClaskeys' had been a great distraction, but at the mention of the bonfire tonight, my stomach instantly retied itself into knots. This had been happening more frequently as we got closer to the event, especially after Zach texted out of the blue last month asking if I was going to our reunion.

It was bullshit that his presence here upset me so much at this point. Whatever it was that had passed between us had been done for a long time. It shouldn't matter that he was here. These folks had been my friends long before he came to Astaire and many of them were still friends to this day. He was nothing but a blip—in and out of my life in less than a year. He didn't matter.

I was so full of shit.

"Yeah, I'm gonna be there. Sammy and Will are coming too. And I think Rafi's crashing, even though he was in the class below ours. What about you guys? You got a sitter?"

"Yeah, the kids are spending the night at Sonny's parents. And God, we need the break. We barely see each other since we work opposite shifts."

Hannah and Sonny got pregnant the summer after graduation and married two years after that. Sonny had worked odd jobs to make ends meet, eventually going through training to become a firefighter. After their third child went to kindergarten this year, Hannah began working at the station as a receptionist and office manager but was taking classes to become an EMT like I had.

"Y'all gonna see who can chug a beer the fastest for old time's sake?"

She snorted. "Highly unlikely. Though I'm pretty sure I could still kick Sonny's ass."

"I have no doubt." I flashed her a grin.

"I should get back to it if I'm going to get out of here in an hour."

"See you tonight."

We each went our separate ways, with Hannah heading back into the office while I headed into the locker room. She only had an hour left in her shift, but I still had four more to go and would be heading straight from the firehouse to the lake.

That was four long hours to contemplate what it would be like to see Zach again. Four hours too many, yet not nearly enough.

As it turned out, I was late to the bonfire. I'd fooled around with the other guys, shooting the shit, until we'd caught a call for a car accident out on the highway, just past the turnoff to the overlook on Grandpa's property. Even after all these years on the job, I still had to take a moment when heading out to the scene of an accident. These days, that moment consisted of a couple of deep breaths to center myself en route, but it had taken years of training and therapy to get to that point. I'd always be thankful to Andrew and Jenny, my training officers who had since retired, for their patience and advice, which had gotten me through my probationary period once I'd returned to work after Mandy and Drea's accident. They'd helped me push through on those days when the fear seemed impossible to overcome.

Tonight's accident had been fairly minor, thankfully, with the paramedics and county sheriff handling most of it. Still, by the time the truck returned to the station and I clocked out of my shift, I was an hour late for the reunion and headed straight to the lake without changing.

I parked on the side of the road a little way down from the parking lot and began walking toward the party, following the sound of voices and laughter carried on the breeze up from the beach. I allowed myself to bring up the image of Zach's face, confronting my memories of him rather than burying them as I would have preferred. I knew what he looked like now, of course. I'd followed his soccer career, even when I'd known it wasn't good for me. I hadn't been able to help myself.

It was a shock when he announced his retirement in the offseason. His last several seasons with San Francisco SC had been successful. The team made it to the conference semifinals this year, which was remarkable for a young team only in its third season. So it was a shock when Zach announced his plans to retire just days before the team was to begin preseason workouts in January. In a press conference, he'd merely cited personal reasons and hadn't given up any more information than that despite prodding from the media.

Of course I couldn't help but wonder what those personal reasons might be. He hadn't been celibate in the last nine years, but unless he kept things very private, he'd only had a few relationships that I knew of: two with women and two with men, though his relationships with the men had been the shortest in duration. They'd also been the ones that had hurt the most to see.

For my part, I hadn't dated anyone. Not terribly surprising for a demisexual who was friendly with everyone but not particularly close to anyone. I certainly hadn't lacked social engagements over the years. I'd been to my fair share of happy hours, barbecues, and Super Bowl parties, but I hadn't felt a strong enough connection with anyone to send lust thrumming through my blood. Not since Zach.

I stepped onto the path from the parking lot down to the beach, doing my best to shrug off the melancholic cloud that thoughts of Zach always brought when I allowed myself to think about him. I studied the crowd of people milling about on the sand, looking to catch sight of any of my friends. Finally, I spotted the gang milling about near the fire and headed in that direction.

I watched as Sammy leaned forward and pressed his forehead against Will's, murmuring something I couldn't hear. The way they looked at each other, the love that shone from their eyes, had my heart aching. I was so damn happy for my friend. Happy they'd figured their shit out and really seemed to have a good shot at a solid future, but I couldn't help but wish for that for myself and wonder what could have been.

I was close enough now that I heard Rafi call out, "Get a room!" to a chorus of laughter, followed by Sammy's middle finger shooting up in the air. More laughter ensued and then Sammy was standing, pulling Will with him through the crowd toward the trees a short distance away. I didn't want to think about what they would likely do out there.

"Way to scare them away," I said as I approached the group.

"Jason! You made it! Did you hear the good news?" Rafi's face lit up with the prospect of sharing a juicy bit of gossip.

I smiled wide. "That Sammy and Will are engaged?"

His face fell. "Damn. How did you know?"

"Don't look so sad, man. I went with Will to pick up the ring in Omaha last week."

I'd also had a text waiting for me when I returned to the station that read He said YES!!!!!! , but I didn't want to rub it in.

"Damn, I'm always the last to know everything."

"That's because everyone knows your big mouth can't keep a secret." Sonny joined the mix, handing Hannah a fresh beer.

"Rude. I'll have you know, I can totally keep a secret. Just last week, I…"

Rafi's words faded as I caught sight of Zach walking toward us with a red cup in his hand. He was barefoot, wearing gray shorts that hugged his impressive quads and a pale-blue button-down left open, exposing his tanned skin and the smattering of hair in the center of his chest.

"Hey, Zach!" Hannah called out, her expression open and friendly.

"Hi, guys," he said, returning her smile, though his eyes never left mine.

"Wow, the MLS star is gracing us with his presence," Rafi said. "Must be nice to be able to retire at the ripe old age of twenty-eight."

"It doesn't suck," he returned affably while everyone laughed.

Everyone except me. I was frozen, locked in a moment of fight or flight. My tongue felt thick and the sound around me became muffled, as if someone had shoved cotton in my ears.

"Jason? You alright? You've gone pale." Sonny was peering at me in concern, his EMT training taking over.

"I…uh…I'm…" I tried to tell him I was fine, but the ability to make words had fled, leaving me tongue-tied and incoherent.

Everyone was looking at me now, faces registering various degrees of concern. And suddenly, as if the winner of the battle between fight and flight had been determined by forces I wasn't in control of, I was in motion.

For the first time ever in my life, I clocked someone.

Not just someone. The goddamned love of my life.