Chapter 45

45

ZACH

I stepped out onto the deck and breathed deep, the scents of a Nebraska spring edging toward summer wrapping around me like a warm hug. It wasn't that I hadn't been back to Nebraska in the last nine and a half years, but I hadn't been back to this very spot in at least seven, and I'd forgotten just how much this place meant to me.

I took the stairs to the paved patio, moving past the fire pit and down another short set of stairs to the dock below. I walked the length of it, making note of a couple of planks that needed replacing, but when I came to the end, I stopped and took in the view. I could just make out a couple of joggers running along the path on the other side of the water, despite the warmth of the afternoon. Memories of morning jogs along that very same path wrapped themselves around my heart and gave it a bittersweet squeeze.

On impulse, I sat, stripping off my shoes and socks and sticking my feet into the water. It was cool but not uncomfortable, so I swished my toes this way and that, enjoying the feel of the water against my skin.

The sound of flip-flops slapping against the boards had me looking up to see Drea strolling toward me, a smile on her face as she approached. It reminded me of another time she'd sought me out in this spot right before I left for college. I'd had no idea the turn my life was about to take, the path I'd already begun to take, without even realizing I'd done so.

Unceremoniously, she plopped down next to me, kicking off her sandals and dunking her feet in the water right next to mine.

"I can't believe you bought our old house," she said, her hand over her eyes to block out the sun as she looked at me.

"I couldn't believe it was on the market. It felt like a good sign."

"A sign of what?"

I shrugged. "A sign that coming back here was the right decision."

She sighed. "You sure about that?"

I raised my eyebrows, trying not to be hurt by the question. "You don't want me here?"

"Of course I want you here. But you're not here for me, and we both know it."

I didn't respond to that. What could I say, really? The truth was that she was part of the reason I'd moved back here, but she wasn't the whole reason. "If you hurt him again, I'll kick your ass. I don't care that you're my brother. You fucked up."

"I know."

There was no use denying it. She'd never know how much I'd hurt myself in the process. She and I—we'd fought about it over the years, had even been somewhat estranged for a time after I ghosted Jason, breaking his heart and mine in the process. Or at least Drea had given me the impression I'd broken his heart. I hadn't actually spoken to him other than the text I'd sent last month that he hadn't responded to. Which I deserved.

"You still going to the reunion tomorrow?"

"Yeah. I have to…I have to see him."

"Zach…" Her voice held a hint of warning, but I jumped in before she could lecture me.

"I promise, if he tells me to fuck off, I'll leave."

"You know he won't though. He's still the nicest guy on the planet. Too nice to tell you to shove it." She nudged my shoulder playfully in demonstration. "Seriously, though, what do you hope to achieve?"

That was an excellent question. One I didn't really have an answer for. I'd come to realize Jason was more than just "the one who got away." I'd given a piece of myself to him all those years ago, and it had left a hole I'd never been able to fill. Not with other friendships, relationships, or even a professional soccer career. It had taken years for me to figure that out. To see that no matter what I tried to use to fill that crater inside me, it was never enough. Would never be enough.

"I just want a chance to make it right."

"Jesus, Zach. You walked away from your soccer career and moved halfway across the country for something you could have done years ago. Why now?"

A million words rushed to my lips, tripping over themselves to get out. Explanations, justifications, rationalizations… All the reasons big and small that I'd left my life behind to come back. To come home.

But in the end, I simply said, "It was time."