Chapter 36: Dean

36

DEAN

“J ust hear me out for one minute. Then I'll leave you alone.”

If there’s one thing I can say about Jamie, she’s persistent. Some might find it annoying, like me, but I have to admire her determination.

She’s been knocking on my door, refusing to get off my porch, for the last five minutes.

It would be irritating at the best of times, but it’s early, and I'm already feeling a little bit grumpy, with an empty bottle of whiskey sitting beside me and a self-inflicted headache.

The last thing I feel like doing right now is opening the door and having to battle with my weak-willed wolf who’s vacillating between wanting to tear her head off and fucking her into submission.

Unable for either option in my current state, I lift my head instead, propping my chin on my hands and stare at my dark wooden door, waiting for her to give up and go away.

I can picture Jamie standing on the other side, dark hair cascading around her shoulders, those beautiful eyes cast downward. I can hear the nerves in her voice, and a twisted part of me is glad that she's suffering as much as I am.

“Mum came to see me. I’m going to meet Jax later.” Her voice cracks, and I close my eyes, fighting back the urge to comfort her, trying to strengthen my resolve. I can feel happy for her, Wyatt and Maggie, and wish them all the best, but still want nothing to do with her.

“It’s not easy, talking about what she went through, and what happened to us, but we’ll work it all out. Whatever it takes to get to know each other again.” She hesitates, and I hear the toe of her shoe tap against the ground. “I'm not thrilled with the decisions my mother made, but I think I understand better why she never came back. Guilt is a funny thing. And shame.”

Maggie has never divulged how she got some of the scars on her face, but I can imagine. Much like my own, they’re not easy to talk about.

There’s a muffled thud as Jamie’s back hits the door, and her voice becomes fainter. She’s facing away now, staring out at the view.

“I suppose living that many years in fear, dealing with what she did, is something that I'll never really understand.”

Except she can, because she’s been doing it every day she’s been without her pack. She just doesn’t recognise what a toll that takes on a person.

Jamie swallows hard, and I hear the faint tap of her fingernails against the door as she considers her next words carefully.

“She was a good mother before she left, and I trust that every decision she made, including leaving us behind, was what she thought was in our best interest.” She gives a rueful chuckle. “When I think about what could have happened to us, what was happening to you… her intentions were pure. She thought we were safe.”

The pause while she waits for me to say something, anything, is excruciating.

When I remain quiet, Jamie clears her throat and continues awkwardly.

“So, we’re going to get to know each other again. If I’m still allowed to stay, we’ll let our wolves meet at the pack run and get reacquainted. Well, not Jax, but you know all about that…”

Damn it. I’d completely forgotten about the run. That’s how distracted I’ve been.

“I just wanted to come here and, eh, thank you for keeping her safe. And for keeping her secret, even when it was hard.”

As her voice waivers, and she fights back a sniffle, I shake my head, trying to harden myself against the scent of her tears that drift to me under the door.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I’m sorry about what he did to you and your mum, and what I said. I had every right to be angry, but that was vile. You’re a good alpha and a good man.”

Damn it, I'm an alpha. I'm supposed to be stronger than this, but this tiny little rogue has me wrapped around her finger.

I drop my hands to the cushion beneath me and dig in hard, holding myself back from going to her. This woman is my weakness. If there was a poster child for the exact wrong person for me and for my pack, she’s it.

And yet, with a little wobble in her voice, I'm ready to pull her into my arms and comfort her.

“Anyway,” she continues, putting some steel back into her tone and pushing her weight away from the door. "I just wanted you to know that. You saved my life. You saved my mother's life. And you gave Wyatt a second chance. Thank you.”

She sighs, and I hear her feet shuffle on the wooden deck outside.

I say nothing, gritting my teeth to stop myself from asking her to stay.

“If you want to talk… or hang out…” she trails off. “Find me when you’re ready to, you know, break the bond.”

A few seconds later, her soft footsteps move slowly away. She lingers at the bottom of the stairs for a moment, like she’s debating saying more, before she finally leaves, her feet falling silent on the damp grass.

The urge to rush outside and chase after her is overwhelming and my wolf snarls, furious at even the mention of ending our connection.

When Jamie disappears over the crest of the hill, I stand, not sure what to do with the anger and anxiety building up inside me. I need to run, to hunt, or to break something. Maybe all three. Yet, I fear the moment I let my wolf loose, he'll betray me and chase after that beautiful little wolf.

So instead, I move to the kitchen and start cooking up a storm. After spending a lifetime trying to find healthier ways to deal with stress and anger, Maggie was the one who encouraged me to try cooking.

Keeping my hands busy and my mind focused was a godsend. It gave me a way of distracting my mind from reliving all the beatings he gave me, all the times he called me to his office just to rail on me or make me watch him beat my mother or Maggie senseless.

I rest my elbows on the kitchen island and squeeze my eyes shut against the onslaught of images being dredged up by the same feelings of frustration swirling around inside me.

Jax kneeling over Maya in the dirt, Maya broken and battered. My father smug in victory, pumped up and aggressive, but also guilt ridden. His eyes practically begging me to end him before he went too far. Could I turn into him one day? Could I hurt her?

It’s probably my biggest fear, that I’m not so different from him after all.

“Fuck,” I shout. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

The games were supposed to be good for the pack but not one thing has gone right so far.

Because I’ve been distracted by Jamie.

But fuck it if I don’t want to be distracted by her even more.

Three firm wraps on the front door bring me back to reality and tell me that my beta has finally had enough of me ignoring his incessant mind-links. I debate leaving him outside, but I know I'm not going to get away with hiding from him any longer.

I stride across the room, body tense and shoulders straight, ready for the inevitable tongue-lashing I know is coming.

I yank open the door, my hackles already raised, ready for him to tear into me for ignoring my duties. Instead, Callum just looks worried.

“At least you’re in one piece. That’s something.” I sense his genuine concern and instantly feel like shit. He slips into the living room, head bowed, submissive, but looking at me the very same way he did the night I had to put my father down.

And in a million ways, that's worse than him being mad at me. It shocks me, because I know this is really fucking serious. That I'm really in danger of going over the edge.

“Tell me what’s going on. No bullshit this time.”