Chapter 29

Tommy

Spendingthe week living life as a monk had my balls turning every shade of blue.

I had a plan for that, but it was harder to stick to than I thought.

Not because I couldn’t go without sex, but because I couldn’t wait to be intimate with Harley again. That would solidify our bond and hopefully bring us one step closer to reconciliation.

But I refused to rush it.

I loved her enough to wait.

And jack off in the shower twice a day.

We’d spent most of the last month together, both in therapy and out, and it was easy to fall into a new routine that felt so much like the old one. There had been occasional disagreements, but we’d never been the type of couple that had big fights, yelling and name calling or anything like that. We got our aggression out in the bedroom, and I brought that up in therapy because it made me a little nervous.

If we continued the way we’d been, we would be sleeping together sooner rather than later, and I wanted to find a way to let her know that we didn’t have to always push the envelope in that department. Sometimes vanilla was okay. Sometimes there was more to intimacy than fucking.

That was one thing we hadn’t done much in our marriage.

We’d dialed everything up to eleven.

Always.

Whether we were traveling or fucking or hanging with friends, we’d been over-the-top. At twenty-two, that was reasonable. A decade later, especially with a kid in the picture now, it seemed like we might want to dial back just a little.

And this time I had to make sure Harley understood that I was okay with it.

“I had something specific on my mind,” I said when Allisha asked what we wanted to talk about today.

“Tell us.”

“Well.” I looked at Harley. “I wanted to go back to our conversation from the other night. About sex.”

Harley looked surprised. “You mean, how many guys I slept with?”

“God, no.” I shook my head. “I’d be a huge hypocrite to have an issue with that. I’m talking about the type of things you did and why.”

Now she looked confused. “I don’t understand.”

“We used to push the envelope in that department, and there’s a part of me that’s worried that was because you thought that was what I wanted.” I paused. “And you did it to please me instead of telling me no. Kind of like with the threesome.”

Her lips formed an “O” as she stared at me.

“Harley? Are you okay?” Allisha asked when she didn’t reply right away.

“I’m thinking,” she said after a moment. “I remember when we started to up the intensity in the bedroom, but I don’t remember not wanting to do the things we did. I wasn’t super comfortable with letting people watch, but it was more about who the people were.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked in frustration.

“Because I loved you,” she said simply.

As if that explained everything.

“I feel like that right there is where we broke down.”

“I have to agree,” Allisha said. “It seems as though that’s the crux of the issues. You couldn’t tell him how uncomfortable some of your sexual antics made you, and it bled over into other things. Like when you found out you were pregnant. In that instance, you couldn’t just give in and do whatever it was, so you walked away.”

“We can’t rebuild a marriage if you’re going to run every time things get tough,” I said gently. “I need you to trust me, Harley, and the worst part is, I don’t know what I did to make you not trust me.”

“I don’t think you necessarily did anything,” she said after a moment. “You were… Tommy Bane. From Onyx Knight. The guy women all over the world wanted. Somewhere in my subconscious, I knew I was going to have to be the perfect woman for you if I wanted to keep you. So saying no wasn’t an option. It had nothing to do with you. It was all about me. I loved you so much, I would have done anything not to lose you.”

“And now?” Allisha prodded.

“Now I have more to think about than myself.”

“You do, but taking care of River wouldn’t really impact what the two of you do in the bedroom.”

“Yeah, but that night at the cemetery…” Tommy looked conflicted. “I was into it, but after the fact, I couldn’t believe I left bruises. That’s not the man I am, and I don’t think that’s who you want me to be.”

“What we did that night was exactly what I wanted in the moment,” Harley said slowly. “I wanted you, as rough and dirty as possible. There was no coercion, no influence. That was all me. Because as far as I can tell, that’s the only way I can get off anymore.”

I didn’t believe that.

I had a million things to say and probably a dozen sexual suggestions, but I couldn’t vocalize them in front of Allisha. We could talk about sex in the abstract, but I wouldn’t discuss those types of intimate details, not even in front of our therapist. We were definitely going to talk about them in private, though.

“I’m sure discussing the details of your sex life in front of me is difficult,” Allisha said, reading my mind. “And that’s okay. But you absolutely need to talk about them to each other. Preferably before you become intimate again.”

“That’s my plan,” I said quickly. “I just needed to make sure I was going about this the right way.”

“I don’t know if there’s a right or wrong way,” Allisha said. “It’s all about the two of you and your dynamic. What works for you won’t necessarily work for someone else. The biggest thing is to communicate and be receptive to each other’s needs and insecurities. Sex is one of the most intimate things you can share with another human being, and for two people with your history, it shouldn’t be something that makes you nervous.”

Harley cocked her head in my direction. “Are you…nervous?”

I chuckled. “Not about the act itself, but about the level of intensity…yeah. Kinda.”

“I’m sorry.” She looked mortified and I quickly reached for her hand.

Physical contact seemed to be her love language lately, and whenever I touched her, whether it was holding hands or sitting on my lap or even brushing her hair out of her face, she relaxed.

“No. Don’t be sorry. Be honest. I’m not going to be disappointed, babe. No matter what you want to do—or don’t want to do—don’t you understand? The most vanilla of all vanilla sex, like standard missionary under the covers with the lights out, is one hundred percent fine with me.”

Harley looked startled and then she burst out laughing.

“Sweet Jesus, please don’t ever suggest missionary with the lights out again,” she breathed through her laughter. “That’s pretty much the opposite of what I want.”

“I just want you to know that I don’t care about the level of kink or letting people watch—I just care about you. Touching you is all the kink I need. And I mean that.”

“I might be starting to worry about you,” she teased. “Seriously, Tommy. I’m definitely more fragile than before, for a million reasons, but I don’t think I’ll ever be quite that fragile.”

“Well, I want you to know that you can be. Whatever you need, we’ll work through it. Because I’m not going anywhere.”

To my surprise she leaned over and kissed me, her lips light against mine, but there was something about this kiss that spoke of promise. “You have no idea how much I love hearing that.”

“And I love seeing you smile.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to discuss while you’re here?” Allisha asked when we didn’t stop staring at each other.

Harley paused, as if she was considering it, but then shook her head. “No. I’m good.”

“Me too,” I said.

“Then I guess I’ll see you both tomorrow for your final individual in-person sessions before you leave.”

“I can’t believe tomorrow is our last full day,” Harley said as we left Allisha’s office.

“Are you sad to be leaving?”

She wrinkled her nose. “Kinda, yeah. If I could have River here with me, I might never leave.”

I chuckled. “I have to admit it’s been a nice escape from reality.”

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“I hope you can tell me anything.”

“I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“How things are going to be once we get back to that reality.”

“How do you want them to be?”

“I honestly don’t know. We’ve been in this safe, private little bubble with our therapist at our beck and call, no responsibilities whatsoever, and this gorgeous backdrop. Everything changes when we get home.”

“Not everything,” I said carefully. “We can get Allisha on the phone almost anytime. We won’t have the ocean outside our door, but we can drive twenty minutes to get there. And we can see as much of each other as we want.”

“Until you leave to go on tour. Then what?”