Chapter 30

Harley

I hadn’t realizedhow much the thought of him leaving to go on tour bothered me until the words slipped out. And Allisha had another appointment with her now, so we couldn’t even go back to have this conversation with her mediating.

“Has that been on your mind?” Tommy asked, stopping in the hallway and turning to face me.

“A little.” I took a breath. That was a lie. “Okay, maybe more than a little.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? I thought we were trying to be better about communicating?”

“Well, I wasn’t worrying about it at first because I didn’t think there was a chance you could still love me. Or love me again. And it’s just the last couple of days things in that department changed. Or at least, I realized that they’d changed.”

“I thought we touched on this,” he said. “We’d take River and a nanny, and you’d come with me.”

“You were serious about that.”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know.” I bit my lip. “Are we getting back together? Are we dating? Are we in love again? We said we wanted to go slow and start over and heal and all that, but that’s all theoretical. Putting it all into practice is a totally different thing. We’ve never been together with a kid. You barely know him. My sister lives with me now… there’s a lot going on and I’m nervous.”

There.

I’d said it.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay.” He wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me against him. “We can work on all of that. One thing at a time. Let’s sit down and come up with a plan. I can start spending more time at your place, getting to know River, and letting him get comfortable around me. If you don’t want me sleeping over yet, that’s okay too. We’ll figure it out.”

“That’s just it,” I said, pressing my forehead against his. “I do want you to sleep over. As a matter of fact, I want to have a sleepover right fucking now.”

He smiled. “Not yet, baby. We’re not there yet.”

I sighed. “Seriously?”

“Yes, seriously. I want us to get there gradually.”

“What about what I want?”

“In almost any other case, I’d do anything you wanted, but like I’ve been saying, this feels too important to rush. And I want the first time to be… special.”

“Special how?”

“Maybe that’s part of my worry. I’m not sure exactly. All I know for sure is that I don’t want us to pick up where we left off because that was a disaster.”

“I loved our sex life,” I whispered against his mouth. “Some of it made me uncomfortable, we’ve established that, but most of it was perfect. I like when you manhandle me. I love when you’re rough and talk dirty. I loved our life, Tommy. Yes, there were obviously some issues, but we’re working on them. I don’t want you to think you have to change everything about yourself, and the man you were to me, simply because we made some mistakes. We were young and probably immature, but I loved you just the way you were. And I still do.”

To my surprise and delight, he kissed me.

And this kiss wasn’t another one of the soft, tender kisses we’d been sharing all week. This one was sexy and gritty, his tongue finding mine with purpose as he used his body to push mine against the wall. He was relentless too, kissing me like he hadn’t touched a woman in years.

I moaned into his mouth, kissing him back with anticipation and excitement. His erection was pressed against my core, and each sweep of his tongue made my insides clench with need and excitement.

I loved everything about his body. He was lean but all muscle, his body toned and strong from years of drumming and touring. When he pinned me against a wall or on a bed, or anywhere really, it was the most exciting feeling in the world. I loved being dominated by him, and despite everything that had happened, I wasn’t afraid of him. Not then, not now, not ever. Tommy would never hurt me, and I had to make him understand that I trusted him completely.

One of his hands drifted to the back of my head, fisting the hair there and holding me right where he wanted me as he continued to pillage my mouth with his.

Until he pulled away.

“We. Have. To. Stop.” He panted against me as rested his forehead against mine, leaving me whimpering in frustration.

“Tommy.” I dug my fingers into his shirt, holding him in place. “I love you for what you’re trying to do, but I want you. I need this. I need you.”

“I know, baby. I need you too.” He looked at me so intently it was like he could see inside of me. “But before I can do this, I have to know your limits. Real limits. Hard limits. Any limits. And it can’t be you just throwing something out there to get me to do what you want.”

“Limits are easy,” I whispered. “I don’t want to bring anyone else into our bedroom ever again.”

“Done.”

“I’m not going to say I don’t want anyone to watch ever again, but it has to be on a case-by-case basis. Like, if we’re partying with the band and all of us couples start going at it in the same room, or on the bus or something, I’m down with that. But we’d have to discuss it as it happens. I wouldn’t want strangers watching us. No more bending me over a stack of amps backstage and fucking me with the crew walking around.”

“Deal.”

“That’s it.” I shrugged my shoulders. “I already know you’re never going to truly hurt me. I love when you leave marks on my neck. I love when you spank me. I love when you call me dirty names while you’re inside me. I love when you hold my head and deep throat me… I just want it to be in private most of the time, and I never, ever want to share you or be shared.”

He put his hands on either side of my face. “Swear it.”

“I swear it.”

“On your son.”

My eyes widened and I hesitated.

Were those really my only limits?

Did I have any others?

Did he want me to go back to things we’d discussed when we first got together?

“I mean, I’m still not interested in anything to do with poop or knife play or anything like that. I thought that was a given.”

He nodded. “Yeah, the limits we had back in the day still apply, I guess. But you’ve still left a ton of shit on the table.”

“And I want to do it all.” I licked my lips. “I love you, Tommy. More than anything except River. And that means I trust you more than anyone in the world too.”

He was quiet for what felt like a long time, even though it was probably only about thirty seconds. “Then will you trust me to try something different? Something we haven’t done in a long time?”

“I swear to god, if you say missionary with the lights out…”

He pressed a soft kiss on the tip of my nose. “Nothing quite that tame. But I need to try some things you might not be expecting.”

“Yes.” It was always that simple.

I was nervous for a million different reasons, but none of them had anything to do with being afraid of him or him physically hurting me.

“Can I take you to bed, baby?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

“This knee is pissing me off,” he muttered. “Because I’d kill to be able to pick you up and carry you the rest of the way.”

I chuckled. “Think of the tour and imagine you’re carrying me in your mind. I think I’ll survive walking back to your room on my own.”

“My room?”

“Sure. Why not?”

“I don’t know. I thought maybe you’d be more comfortable in yours.”

“I’m comfortable with you.”

He laced his fingers with mine.

“Me too.”

“I was afraid maybe I wouldn’t be, but I am. It doesn’t feel awkward or like we’re divorced or like it’s been three years. It just feels like… us.”

“Technically, it hasn’t been three years. We screwed in a cemetery three weeks ago and we’ve spent the last few weeks together almost nonstop.”

He pulled his key card out of his pocket when we got to his door, and he let me walk in ahead of him.

The doors to the balcony were open and there was a cool breeze coming in from the ocean that made me shiver.

“You cold?” he asked. “You want me to close the doors?”

“I love the sound of the ocean, but that breeze is chilly.”

“How about we close them most of the way but leave it open just enough for us to hear the waves crashing?”

“Perfect.” He adjusted the doors and then turned to me, his face shrouded in shadows since the only light was coming from outside the windows. “You sure about this, baby? A thousand percent sure you want to try again?”

“Very, very sure.”

“Then I want you to strip for me.”