Chapter 27

Tommy

LeavingHarley at her door last night, without going in or inviting her back to my room had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done. But I’d been serious when I told her things were too important to rush this time around. I didn’t know what we were doing or where we were going with this, but I couldn’t take a potential second chance lightly. If there was a chance, I was going to be the man I hadn’t been the first time.

I’d be a man she trusted enough to confide her fears, insecurities, and even her failures.

It had hurt me down to my core to hear her admit the things she’d let other men do in the hopes of finding the same pleasure she got from me. The alpha male deep inside of me loved hearing it, but the man who adored her more than his own life had been gutted.

Just the thought of someone else getting rough with her, choking her, hitting her, was enough to send me over the edge. I didn’t hit her, not in the traditional sense of the word, but within the parameters of our sex life. I knew what was acceptable, how much pain she could take, and what she enjoyed. I’d slipped up the night at the cemetery when I’d grabbed her wrist, but even then, it had been a different circumstance because it had been the first time I’d been alone with her since the divorce.

It wasn’t an excuse, but I truly hadn’t realized I’d grabbed her so hard when I’d stopped her from slapping me. There was no universe where I’d lay a hand on her in any other way, but those guys she’d told me about—veritable strangers—could have caused damage I didn’t want to think about.

It terrified me and made me want to protect her, take care of her.

Fight for her.

I wasn’t sure why she’d felt the need to tell me, but I was glad she had. It had clearly been weighing on her, and no matter what happened between us going forward, she needed to get past all the things that had been dragging her down. If we didn’t work out, even though I couldn’t fathom not being with her, I truly wanted her to be happy. In love. Married. It gave me no pleasure to think of her alone, lonely, pining for me.

She’d sacrificed everything for me once, and I wouldn’t let it happen again, no matter how much it might hurt.

Fuck that noise.

As Quinn often reminded me, life was short.

But I wasn’t giving up without a fight.

Which was why I hadn’t let last night go any further than kissing and holding her.

Tonight, I planned to take her on a date.

Well, as much of a date as we could have without leaving the premises.

We were allowed to leave, but I was easily recognized in Santa Barbara, and the last thing we needed at this early stage of things was media attention. Everyone at Harmony Place, from staff to guests to visitors, had to sign strict non-disclosure agreements. The fine for breaking it was in the hundreds of thousands of dollars. That was how seriously they took our privacy, and I was glad for it.

I knocked on Harley’s door at six, and leaned against the door frame when she opened it. She wore a long, ruffled peasant skirt, with a black top and her hair up in a messy bun. Her makeup was light, but I thought she was beautiful no matter what, and I leaned over to gently press my lips against hers.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” She smiled back.

“Ready?”

“What are we doing?” she asked curiously, taking my elbow as we walked.

“It’s a surprise.”

“Are we going out somewhere?”

I shook my head. “No. I thought it was easier to just stay here. Luckily, I managed to pull off something special.”

“Well, I can’t wait to see what you’ve come up with.”

We walked toward the back where the doors that led out to the beach were.

“You should probably take off your sandals,” I told her, as I slid off my sneakers.

“Are we going onto the beach?” she asked, stepping out of her sandals.

“Kind of.” I hopped down the steps on my good leg and then reached for her hand. We walked down and around past the edge of the building, where a canopy had been set up. They’d put a tarp on the sand, to make it easier to set up the table and chairs. I’d also ordered flowers, candles, and what was supposed to be a gourmet meal.

I’d opted to leave out any alcohol simply because there were a lot of addicts here, and I wanted to respect them as much as I could. In the privacy of our suites was one thing, but out here where anyone could potentially happen upon us, I wanted to keep things simple.

Besides, Harley and I didn’t need alcohol when we were together. We tended to be high on each other, and that was what I was counting on. I wanted to make love to her so badly I could practically taste it, but I needed her to know that we could reach that same high without the roughness. If we got back together, we’d do a lot of that too, because we both enjoyed it, but she had to understand that there could be pleasure without pain. Both physically and emotionally.

Now that I thought about it, while we’d always enjoyed a little kink, things hadn’t amped up until after the realization we couldn’t have kids. I didn’t know if she’d been punishing herself or me or the universe—that was something we had to dig into in therapy—but I couldn’t in good conscious be like those other guys. If I was going to be her man, her husband, the love of her life, I had to be better than that.

In the meantime, I wanted us to find a new normal that didn’t include all the grittiness. Or at least, less. Not because there was anything wrong with it but because I now recognized that we’d used it to compensate for something we’d thought was missing. And there wasn’t anything missing in our lives. There couldn’t be if we were going to work out.

Hell, we even had a kid now, which was the one thing we’d thought we’d never have.

He wasn’t mine, and I wouldn’t be so bold as to step into the role of his father without a lot of soul-searching, but if I wanted to be with Harley—and I really did—she and River were a package deal.

“Tommy.” Her voice was soft and filled with wonder as we rounded the corner and she saw what I’d planned. “Oh, Tommy, it’s beautiful.”

The sun was already going down, so the lights from the candles gave the open-air tent a romantic glow, and along with the deep reds and orange in the sky, it was breathtaking.

“Just like you.” I kissed the side of her face and we stepped onto the tarp, where a waiter was waiting to pull out her chair.

She sank into it gracefully and I managed to sit across from her without hobbling too much. My knee felt better, but it was still sore, despite wearing the brace and doing everything the physical therapist told me to do. I was itching to get behind the drums again, but I wasn’t thinking about music tonight.

“Thank you,” Harley said softly. “This is gorgeous and thoughtful and romantic.”

“You’re welcome.”

Someone brought us the Caesar salads I’d ordered, along with hot, fresh rolls, butter, and sparkling water. I liked still water personally, but Harley liked it with bubbles, so I’d tried to fill tonight with all her favorites. Beef Wellington was coming up for the main course, and chocolate souffles were on the menu for dessert.

“Don’t you want to watch the sunset?” she asked me, since my back was to the water.

“I just want to look at you,” I admitted. “You’re the most beautiful thing in the world as far as I’m concerned. Sunsets don’t hold a candle to what I see when I look at you.”

“I don’t think you’ve ever compared me to a sunset before,” she said.

“Because they don’t come close.”

“I like hearing you say that.”

“We’ve been through a lot,” I said, “but how beautiful you are hasn’t changed.”

“I’m older,” she protested. “And I have stretchmarks.”

I shrugged. “I’m older too. And stretchmarks are just special beauty marks.”

“You’re still a sweet talker.”

“I try.”

She plucked a roll from the basket and breathed in the smell. “I don’t remember the last time I drooled over something.”

“Fresh bread always makes my mouth water.”

“Remember Paris?” she asked, grinning.

“Which time?” I asked. “Our honeymoon or one of the stops on tour?”

“I never ate as much bread as on our honeymoon!”

I laughed. “Me either. Baguettes became our love language.”

“I miss those days,” she said. “When the only thing that mattered was how much fun we were having.”

“We can have fun again, Harley.”

“I’m a mom now. River’s needs have to come first.”

“In general, sure, but you can still have fun.”

“Yeah, but I can’t leave him to go on tour for a year, like we used to.”

I cocked my head. “Of course not. We’d bring him with us.”

She frowned, as if that hadn’t occurred to her. “Would you… I mean, is that a possibility?”

I hesitated. I didn’t want to have a conversation this serious yet. We still needed time to find our footing, but I also wanted her to know I was all in.

“Babe, I don’t know what we’re doing yet, but assuming we want to be together, of course it’s a possibility. We’re not just going to leave him at home with a nanny.”

“But he has to go to school and have friends. He has to have something of a normal life, no matter how crazy yours is.”

“Sure. But he’s only three. We have time. He won’t start Kindergarten for almost two more years, right? Until then, we can do anything we want. I mean, Z has a kid now and he’s bringing the family on tour. The deal is that we’re going to go balls to the wall for this tour, and then once it’s over, probably not for eighteen months, we’ll reassess everything. Maybe do European tours in the summer and figure out the rest as we go.”

“I didn’t know you guys were talking about all that,” she admitted.

“We have to. Z and Kellan are ready to slow down a little, King and Devyn have a dozen side projects in the works, and I was planning to do some of that too when the time came. I’ve been writing my own songs and playing guitar again, so there’s plenty for us to do individually if the band slows down.”

“I never thought about it like that.”

“We’re committed to the tour that’s going to start in the new year, but the plan is to not make any plans beyond that so everyone can figure out where they are personally and professionally.”

“You don’t plan to stop touring, do you?”

“We’re not going to stop playing and performing, but it’s not like we need the money, so slowing down makes sense. I know Kellan and Jesse want a baby, and Z and Presley are talking about having another, so the writing is on the wall. Things are going to look different going forward. For all of us.”