Chapter 26

Harley

SeeingRiver had been a double-edged sword.

On one hand, I needed to get home to him as soon as I could.

On the other, I needed to be as physically and mentally healthy as possible, because my son deserved for me to be the best mother I could be for him. It was that simple. Especially since the plan had been to have another baby. Carter had left his sperm frozen, ready for me to give River a sibling, and I wanted another baby. I had to be mentally healthy first, though.

I planned to keep up my therapy sessions with Allisha and continue to work on myself once I got home. Maybe not with sunrise yoga on the beach, but I could do yoga when River was at school, I could start cooking healthy meals for us again, and I could definitely be more present. No more sleeping the day away when Wynter was around to watch him. No more putting him in front of the TV so I wouldn’t have to engage.

My little boy deserved better.

Hell, I deserved better.

There was plenty of time left here at Harmony Place, and I intended to make the most of it. It did occur to me I needed to make time for myself every week, doing some of the things I’d been doing since I’d been here. Yoga and therapy were good for me, but reading a book, laughing with the friends I’d made during bingo or whatever other event that was planned, was also important.

I couldn’t continue to live on an island of three; Wynter, River, and me.

Wynter had her own life, but she’d put a lot of things on hold to be there for me after Carter died. She didn’t pay rent to live with me, so it was also giving her the ability to save up for a house, but it was more than that. She shouldn’t have to babysit my kid on her days off. She was an ER nurse and she needed downtime too. I’d been incredibly selfish, even though she’d jumped in without me having to ask.

We’d have to talk about that once I got home.

It wasn’t like I couldn’t afford help.

In fact, I’d had a full-time nanny and mommy’s helpers before Carter died.

Then I’d fired everyone except Lorna, whom I’d kept on part-time since she’d been with us since River was born.

As for my friends, I’d started a friendship with Presley, but I’d kept her at something of a distance too, because she was too intertwined with the band, which meant she was also involved with Tommy on a regular basis.

That wouldn’t be a deterrent going forward, though.

Now that he and I were friendly again, it wouldn’t be awkward to run into him.

We’d been tiptoeing around each other since he’d met River on Sunday, and I wasn’t sure why. Whether it was the fact that meeting my son made him uncomfortable, the things we’d been talking about in our sessions, or something else, I wasn’t sure. But tonight, I wanted to address something else that had been on my mind.

The number of men I’d slept with since we divorced was none of his business, but that wasn’t why I wanted to talk about it. I probably should have brought it up in therapy, but it was private, and so incredibly intimate.

“Hey, can we talk about something?” I asked him after dinner. He’d eaten with Quinn and a few other guys he’d met, while I’d been with Mina, Betty, Harriett, and Freya.

“Wanna do it while we watch the sun set?” he asked, smiling up at me.

“Sure.”

I waited for him to get up and say goodbye to his friends, and then we walked out onto the large patio area that overlooked the beach and ocean. It was beautiful here, something I would miss when I went home. I had a gorgeous house, but it wasn’t near the beach, and that was my only regret.

“What’s on your mind, beautiful?” he asked as we gazed out toward the crashing waves. The wind had picked up, so it was a little chilly, and I wrapped my sweater more tightly around my midsection.

“I want to talk about…” I took a breath. “Sex.”

“Okay.” He didn’t sound concerned, but more curious.

“I…we… shit.” I couldn’t look at him. “I’m going to assume you slept with a lot of women after the divorce.”

He sighed. “Harley, that’s not?—”

“No, there’s a reason I’m asking. Please let me get this off my chest.”

“Okay.” He paused. “Yeah. I mean, you left me. From my perspective, I had no reason to deprive myself of fun.”

“How much fun? I don’t mean quantity, I’m talking about…the quality of the sex.” I said a silent prayer he would understand what I was talking about.

And thank goodness the man knew me so well.

“You mean, did I do with strangers the stuff you and I used to do?” he asked carefully.

I nodded and averted my gaze.

Why was this so embarrassing?

We’d had so much sex in our years together.

More than I could begin to count.

In the beginning, five or six times a day.

Sometimes just as much on birthdays or when we had downtime on the road.

There was very little we didn’t know about each other’s bodies, sexual preferences, and limits.

“Ask me exactly what you want to know, babe,” he said quietly. “I don’t have any secrets about what I like to do in bed.”

“Did you…” I whispered. “Did you do the stuff we like to do together…with groupies and one-night stands?”

“The short answer is no,” he said. “Whenever I sleep with a stranger, I have to keep legalities and shit like that in the back of my mind just by virtue of being who I am. King has been inundated with lawsuits over the years, but I never had to deal with it because during the bulk of our success, I was only with you. Once I was single, I had to be aware of that kind of thing. I was also very careful about who I went down on. Way too many stories about HPV and cancer and shit.” He paused. “But yes, there were a few women I got to know well enough to… get a little crazy with. Why?”

“Because I did it a lot. I let guys do…that to me. The choking and spanking and all of it.”

“Okay.” Now he seemed confused. “What are you getting at?”

“I hooked up with a few guys after River was born because I was so horny it was killing me, but vanilla sex bored me to death. I couldn’t get off. Then when Carter died… I don’t know, but it seemed like finding that high, the one I got from rough sex, was the only thing that made me feel alive.”

“That makes sense.”

“There were so many guys,” I whispered. “And I let them do shit to me that makes me cringe when I think back on it. Because it rarely worked.”

“What rarely worked?” he asked softly, reaching for my hand and squeezing it tightly. “You can talk to me, Harley. No judgment here.”

“I still couldn’t get off.” I dipped my head. “And I let them go so damn far, searching for a release, a reward, so to speak, that I never got. Maybe once or twice. Until I realized how dangerous it was and I gave up.”

“Oh, baby.” He pulled me against his side and slid an arm around me.

“That night at the cemetery, I needed it so badly. I would’ve let you literally do anything you wanted to me, just so I could get off. And looking back, it scares me that I gave you—and all those other guys—the power to potentially hurt me. One guy almost did, which is what finally made me stop.”

“Jesus, I hate hearing that. You know I’d never do anything to cause actual damage, right? Beyond hickeys and spanking your ass until it was bright red. I know how much pain you can take. Even though I bruised your wrist that night at the cemetery. But you have my word that will never happen again.”

“I’ve never been afraid of you. But those other guys…”

“I’d kill anyone who hurt you like that,” he whispered gruffly, pulling me against him.

And for the first time in years, I was in Tommy’s arms.

Really in his arms.

They were wrapped around me tightly, the side of my face against his chest as he stroked one hand up and down my back.

If I could have stayed in this position forever, I would have.

“I’m so embarrassed,” I admitted, nestling deeper into his embrace.

“No. Don’t do that. Despite what happened between us, we were divorced. You shouldn’t be ashamed of having sex.”

“Not for having it, but for how many guys I let do those things to me—for nothing! I barely enjoyed it. Every single time was nothing but the desperation of trying to replace a man who was irreplaceable!”

He lifted my chin with two of his fingers, gazing down at me with his gorgeous face. “I did the same thing, just using quantity instead of intensity. Most nights I got off in like two minutes, without giving a thought to their pleasure. Because they weren’t you.”

“Tommy.” My voice broke as he slowly tilted his head and lowered it to mine.

“Can I kiss you, baby?”

“Yes. Oh, yes.”

His lips found mine tentatively, and despite the fire he lit deep inside of me, I was content to revel in his touch. His lips were soft but firm, a gentle whisper against my mouth. We’d kissed a million times before, yet this felt new. The caution in his touch coupled with the warmth of his body sent shivers down my spine.

He toyed with me, his lips exploring like it was the first time all over again, in no rush to deepen the kiss or take it any further. My lips parted of their own accord, anxious to feel more of him but also determined to enjoy every second of this.

“Don’t rush me, baby,” he whispered. “I want to savor this. It’s the first time all over again.”

“We weren’t patient the first time,” I said with a soft smile.

“No, but we need to be this time. It’s too important.” He brushed my hair out of my face, gazing down at me like I was the only woman in the world. He’d always looked at me like that, and it was one of many reasons I could never love anyone else. There were so many things we still needed to talk about, but right now none of it seemed to matter.

“Tommy…” My voice might have had a touch of whine in it, because I needed him to keep kissing me. Touching me. Looking at me like I was his everything.

“I’m here.” He put his hands on either side of my face, continuing to gaze down at me until his eyes fluttered closed.

Then he kissed me like it was the first, last, and next time—all rolled into one.