Chapter 15

Tommy

Harley was still talkingbut my head was spinning.

She and Carter had gotten pregnant the night of the threesome?

I didn’t understand.

River was born approximately six months later, so the math didn’t math.

But she had no reason to lie, especially not here in this room.

“…and without him there at my side, suddenly nothing made sense anymore.” There were tears in her eyes when she stopped talking, but I’d missed all but that last sentence.

She’d gotten pregnant the night of the threesome?!

I had so many fucking questions and it took a lot of restraint not to demand answers right fucking now.

The group was breaking up, though, and Harley was currently surrounded by Harriett and Mina, who seemed to be comforting her.

“That’s your ex, isn’t it?” Quinn said quietly, sinking into the chair beside me.

I nodded, my eyes still fixed on Harley.

“You doing okay with her being here?”

“I have no idea,” I admitted.

“She just dropped some kind of bombshell, didn’t she?”

“You have no idea.”

“Well, I’ll be out on the patio for dinner around six if you want to talk. And if you want to not talk, we can do that too. Sometimes it’s nice to not be alone when you’re having a shit day.” He got up and walked away, leaving me both grateful and annoyed. Grateful he was a good guy and annoyed that Harley had blindsided me once again.

How had she gotten pregnant the night of the goddamn threesome?!

And how had I not known that before now?

“You and Harley should come to my office,” Allisha said.

“I don’t think—” I began.

“You don’t get to think. That was our agreement. One group session and then we would assess everything.”

“But I?—”

“Tommy.” She sounded like my mom used to sound when I was about to be in trouble. “What did I tell you about your comfort zone?”

I clenched my fists at my side, battling disparate emotions like fury and relief and confusion.

“Fine.” I ground out the word. “But I have questions.”

“And maybe you’ll finally get some answers.” She went over to Harley and said something to her that I couldn’t hear, and Harley nodded. Then Harley left the room and Allisha came over to me.

“She’s going to the restroom. We’re meeting in my office in ten minutes. Do you need a break or do you want to walk over together?”

“Let’s go.” I grabbed my crutches and got to my feet.

My emotions were a tangled mess of feelings I wasn’t used to.

Regret.

Guilt.

Shit that I normally didn’t allow myself the luxury of wallowing in.

But this was different.

Harley had gotten pregnant the night of the threesome.

If that was true, nothing I knew was right anymore and I had to rethink every damn thing I’d been thinking for the last year.

“It’s okay to be angry,” Allisha said as we walked.

“I’m too confused to be just angry,” I said. “I’m about a thousand different emotions all wrapped up in one big, messy glob of frustration.”

“So we’re going to try to sort it all out,” she said quietly. “Trust the process.”

“Is there a process? Did you know she would be here?”

“No, but once I figured it out yesterday, I knew that fate or karma or whatever you believe in made this happen for a reason. And we shouldn’t let a chance like this slip through our fingers.”

“We?”

“We’re in this together for as long as you want me to be your therapist. And if, after the three of us talk, you no longer want me to continue in this role, I understand and will set you up with someone else. But not before we take the first steps toward clearing the air.”

We’d just settled in her office when Harley came in.

She looked incredibly pale and for the first time in a long time I really looked at her. She was skinnier than I ever remembered her being, and there was a sadness in her eyes I’d never seen before. Even the way she moved was different, with a slowness that seemed to indicate she carried the weight of the world with her.

I hadn’t noticed any of this that night at the cemetery, but I hadn’t really looked at her either, which made me feel bad.

Because I hated her, but I also still loved her.

“Are the two of you willing to talk?” Allisha asked once she’d closed her office door. “There’s no purpose in our being here if you’re not willing to open up to each other. No one gets closure without some brutal honesty.”

“And I have a lot of questions,” I said bluntly.

“I know.” Harley dipped her head.

“Are you okay with Tommy asking you whatever’s on his mind?” Allisha asked Harley.

“Yes.”

“The only rules are that I expect nothing but honesty from both of you, and kindness. No matter how angry or frustrated you get by what you find out, there will be no raised voices, no name calling, and no threats. Are we clear?”

Harley and I both nodded.

“Go ahead, Tommy.”

There was one question I needed answered before we could move forward because everything else hinged upon the answer, so I didn’t hesitate, even though I knew the answer might change everything I thought I knew.

“When was the first time you had sex with Carter?” I asked.

Harley didn’t react, as if she’d been expecting the question, and she seemed to shrink even further into herself.

“Harley?” Allisha spoke gently after about a minute, when Harley still hadn’t responded.

“There was only the one time,” Harley whispered.

Despite my promise to stay calm, I practically vaulted out of my seat and upset the chair in the process, a litany of curses coming from my mouth faster than I could stop them.

“Tommy.” Allisha also got up, putting herself between Harley and me as she faced me.

“Why?” I demanded, talking to Harley over her shoulder. “Why wouldn’t you have told me that?! Why did you hide it?”

Tears were streaming down Harley’s face.

“Harley!” I couldn’t hold back, stepping around Allisha and dropping to my knees in front of Harley, barely cognizant of the pain in my knee. “Talk to me, dammit!”

“What do you want me to say?” She exploded, her face turning red as she shoved me back. “You wanted that damn threesome! Once we found out we couldn’t have kids, you suddenly started wanting to get crazy and do all the fucking things! That was all you. I never had any need or desire to sleep with other men, but I did it. For you. When I found out I was pregnant I knew it couldn’t be yours and I also knew what it would do to you to watch me have another man’s baby. You couldn’t even consider adoption, much less raising your best friend’s kid. So I left. Every motherfucking thing I’ve done since the day I met you has been with you, for you, or to protect you!”

She was breathing hard, her face even redder now, her chest rising and falling with each word.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

If not for the pain in my knee, I probably wouldn’t have been able to move. The pain was enough to propel me off my knees, but all I could manage was to move to a sitting position right there on the floor, with my legs sticking out in front of me. Getting to my feet would have taken more energy than I was capable of.

My brain was practically imploding with this new revelation, and I couldn’t even begin to process it.

I was trying to think back to that night, the night we’d had the threesome, but it was a blurry montage of moments.

Harley riding me reverse cowgirl style on the bus during the opening act.

Carter coming in and watching.

At some point we’d both been inside of her.

Everything else was like some kind of ethereal dream.

I remembered how good it felt, how it had felt to be with both of them, but I couldn’t remember any details.

Had I even asked her if she wanted to do it?

Had he worn protection?

Had I really been so self-absorbed that I’d taken both my wife and my best friend for granted?

Had there ever been a discussion about the three of us doing something so intimate and what the possible repercussions would be?

Of course not.

My head fell and my chin hit my chest.

I was such a fucking asshole.

Because she was right.

From the moment I’d found out we couldn’t have kids—biological ones anyway—I’d made some kind of subconscious decision to live my life to the fullest. Nothing was off-limits as long as it didn’t harm anyone else, but I’d been thinking in terms of physical harm, like drinking and driving or jumping off the balcony of the tenth floor into a swimming pool. I’d never given a second thought to anyone’s feelings. Not even those of the two people I’d loved most in the world.

And because of it, I’d lost them both.

I got to my feet, ignoring the pain in my knee, and practically ran for the door.

“Tommy!” Allisha called after me, but I held up a hand without looking back.

“I can’t talk right now,” I said, my voice sounding shakier than I’d thought it would. “I can’t.”