Chapter 16

Harley

Watchingthe play of emotions on Tommy’s face broke my heart all over again.

I’d thought leaving him was hard; watching him come to terms with the truth was a million times harder.

I’d gotten the only thing he couldn’t give me from his best friend, and it killed me to see the pain on his face.

This was what I’d been trying to avoid, because no matter how much it hurt me to be without him, the only person I loved more than Tommy was River. So when I’d had to choose between my own happiness and protecting Tommy from the truth, I’d chosen to protect him.

“Should we go after him?” I turned to Allisha helplessly.

“I think he needs a minute to calm down,” she replied. “Are you okay?”

“This was what I wanted to avoid. I knew it would hurt him to find out I had a kid with Carter, but that was unavoidable once he died. But finding out it was a direct result of that threesome…”

“Did he force you to do it?” she asked, frowning.

“No. I mean, not physically. There was no conversation. It was just… expected, I guess. I could never turn him down. I think I was afraid if I said no, he’d love me less, or leave me or something. It wasn’t that articulate in my mind, but I never had any desire to sleep with another man. In the heat of the moment, when Carter came in… I guess I didn’t feel like I could say no.”

“You were emotionally manipulated, even if no one said words to that effect.”

“I guess so.” I sighed, glancing in the direction Tommy had gone. “Is this better, Allisha? Was this the goal? For everyone to be hurt and angry and confused all over again?”

“This is how you get past the pain and hurt and anger. The truth really does set you free. It’s just that the road to freedom is often filled with painful roadblocks.”

“Ugh.” I sank into the nearest chair. “I feel like I should go after him.”

“Give him a minute to digest. You and I can continue on our own. If he comes back, great. If not, I’ll go find him later.”

“I never wanted him to find out,” I said softly.

“Why?” she asked. “You had a child. With Carter. At some point, Carter was going to be at a baseball game or his high school graduation… there would be pictures. Social media. Something. Sometime, somehow, Tommy was going to find out.”

“I don’t know. I guess I was hoping he would have moved on by then.”

“He would still be unable to father children, and you still had his best friend’s baby.”

“I was in denial.”

“I think that was Carter’s final gift to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“He didn’t leave instructions to keep his son a secret—he left everything to you and River, with instructions to the band to be there for the two of you. He knew, even in his own personal purgatory, that it was time to set the record straight. I’m sure he didn’t like lying to Tommy, and in setting himself free, he set all of you free as well.”

Tears puddled in my eyes.

“I tried so hard to love him,” I whispered. “I wanted to love him as a man, a lover, the way he loved me. But I couldn’t.”

“Because of Tommy.”

“It was always Tommy.” I gave her a watery smile. “No other men existed from the moment we met. He was a struggling musician who’d just moved to L.A. from the Midwest. I was the consummate California girl back then, modeling and acting and following my dreams. And then he became my dream, even before we got serious.”

“Did you give up your dreams for him?”

I paused. “Yes and no. I honestly didn’t give anything up, I just found other priorities. As Tommy got more successful, we also got richer, so spending every day sitting with a hundred other blonds at casting calls became more of a chore than it was worth. I can’t blame him because he supported anything I wanted to do, but it got old after a while. Then we went on tour… our lives changed drastically when the second album came out and went platinum.”

“So there was a lot of money.”

I nodded. “More than either of us had ever seen. We were smart enough to immediately set up savings accounts and hire someone to manage our money, but we still blew through a lot of it. We were living the ultimate dream.” I smiled sadly. “And having so much fun. We never fought, never raised our voices at each other… everything was perfect until we started trying to get pregnant. It gutted him to find out he couldn’t give me a baby. The first argument I can remember us having was when I brought up adoption. He was vehemently against it.”

“Do you know why?”

“He never had a good reason, just that it wasn’t the same.”

“So, you gave up your career and then eventually gave up your dream of becoming a mom.”

I’d never thought of it that way, but that was essentially what had happened.

How the fuck had I allowed that to happen?

“I guess so.”

“It seems to me you sacrificed a lot for him.”

I frowned. “But it never felt that way. He loved me. He took care of me. He gave me anything I wanted.”

“Except a child.”

“I think I would have worn him down eventually on adoption.”

Allisha didn’t respond, merely watched me as I continued.

“Normally, he gave in when I wanted something. So it never occurred to me he wouldn’t this time as well. We just never got a chance to find out.”

“I think he was selfish,” she said. “Yes, there was a lot of money at stake, but it seems to me you did everything his way. The fact that he was sterile wasn’t his fault, obviously, and I’m sure that was difficult for him, but it wasn’t your fault either. It doesn’t seem right that you put everything you wanted on the back burner to follow his career.”

“It wasn’t like that. He didn’t make me go on tour or anything.”

“No? Just like he didn’t make you agree to a threesome?”

My cheeks felt hot as I thought back to the life we’d led when Onyx Knight had first taken off. It had been all about him, but how could it have been about anything else? They’d been on the verge of mega stardom and all of us were just along for the ride. Things had been moving too fast for me to stop and analyze who was giving up what. Tommy’s dreams were coming true, and I couldn’t have slowed down enough to think about my own even if I’d wanted to.

The threesome was something else altogether.

No one had forced me to do anything.

If I’d said the word “stop” everything would have come to a complete standstill. I knew that with every fiber of my being. That was one of many reasons I hadn’t said it. I wasn’t afraid of being physically harmed. In fact, the sex that night had been beyond my wildest dreams. Being with two men had been incredible. I’d come so hard it was a little embarrassing, but I never would have initiated something like that. Somehow, somewhere deep in my psyche, I’d known nothing would ever be the same.

I’d been aware that Carter had feelings for me that went beyond friendship.

Tommy and I had both known that Carter also had a thing for him, even if it was just sexual. Everyone knew Carter was bisexual, so doing something so intimate with the two people he had crushes on had disaster written all over it.

We’d just never imagined the specific disaster that was on the horizon.

“Isn’t everything twenty-twenty in hindsight?” I asked finally.

“Usually, yes. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try to make amends, apologize, see things more clearly. There’s a lot to unpack with you, Tommy, and Carter. And while you’ve always done the running away, this time it was Tommy’s turn. He’s probably embarrassed and guilty.”

“Embarrassed and guilty? He’s hurt. Angry. Betrayed!”

“Hurt? Sure. Angry? Maybe. Betrayed? By whom? It wasn’t your idea to have a threesome. And frankly, even under the most perfect conditions, any time you have sex, there’s always a chance you’ll get pregnant. The pill is only ninety-nine-point-nine percent effective. IUDs slip out of place. Condoms break. Even tubal litigations occasionally don’t work. So if you’re having sex, you’re taking that chance. All of you knew that intellectually, and there was no way to know it would happen. Keeping the baby was your choice and your right. That wasn’t a betrayal either. And you were never in love with Carter or cheating, so how, exactly, was Tommy betrayed?”

I faltered. “I’m…not sure.”

“Because he wasn’t. He has the right to feel whatever he feels, but betrayal shouldn’t be part of it unless it’s because you kept such a huge secret from him all this time.”

“This isn’t fixable, is it?”

“I’m not sure what you mean by fixable. If the goal is for you two to shake hands and forget everything that happened, no. It’s probably not possible. But it is absolutely an option for you to talk, get some closure, and move on with your lives in a positive way. Even if you can’t be friends.”

And that was the kicker.

I didn’t want to be friends.

I wanted him.

I still loved him and always would.

The only “fix” that made any difference would be for him to forgive me and somehow find a way to love me again.

Except that was never going to happen.

And that was the one outcome I would never be able to live with.