Chapter Fifteen

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Riven

“Parrish stayed the night again?” Grandma asked. I was outside smoking when she walked up. I’d expected this conversation but still hadn’t known how I would answer. Now that it was here, my reply wasn’t any more clear to me.

“Yep. Is that a problem?” was what I landed on, though I knew it wasn’t. Jesus, I was such a dick sometimes. The thing was, I didn’t know how not to be. Or hell, maybe I didn’t want to because that felt like one step closer to letting people in and either failing them the way I’d done Grandma or having them stab me in the back the way Rex had done me.

“You know it’s not, Riven, so don’t pretend you think otherwise. You could have told me you’re gay.”

I took another drag of my smoke, then put it out. “I’m not.” I didn’t look up at her.

“You could have told me you like men. Is that new, or…”

“It’s not new,” I admitted, then stood. It was hot, so I held my hand out for her, supporting her while she stepped onto the concrete, then leading her inside. “It didn’t happen in prison if that’s what you’re wondering. I just didn’t share it with people who didn’t need to know before.”

“The people who needed to know being the men you hooked up with?”

“Jesus, Grandma. Aren’t you too old to say hooked up?” There was nothing like talking about sex with his grandma to make a grown-ass man feel like an embarrassed teenager.

“Well, that’s what you do, isn’t it? You and Parrish are serious?”

“Christ, no.” I tugged my cap off and ran a hand through my hair. “Do we really have to talk about this?” I was thirty-one years old, after all.

“There’s not a better man out there than Parrish.”

I was seeing that. It was still hard for me to wrap my head around it. And I’d kissed him. What in the hell had that been about? It had felt like a compulsion, this need overtaking me. Like if I hadn’t let myself find out what his mouth tasted like, I would dissolve into nothing, which didn’t make sense because I already felt like I was nothing.

Reaching up, I brushed my fingers over my lips. Apples. I didn’t know how that made any sense, but Parrish had tasted like apples, the really sweet ones you got on a perfect fall day.

I told myself it was because it had been so long since I’d been close to someone like that. It was why I let him touch me, and why I touched him in the first place, why I’d fucked him too, but deep down, I knew that wasn’t true. Something about Parrish clicked with me, even though I didn’t understand it. I had known him most of my life and had never thought about kissing him and fucking him until now, but…but when I thought about it, I had wanted to take care of him, to protect him from the ugliness of our world. That’s why I had been the one to steal the purse that day, why I’d stuck up for him with Rex, and why I’d tried to keep him from falling into the same trap of our lifestyle.

Grandma sighed, and I hated myself for having let her down. For not being able to tell her that yes, Parrish was exactly what she’d said and that there was more to us than me fucking him. Acknowledging that would make me a better man, and I wanted that for her, but…I just knew it wasn’t true.

“Riven,” she said, and when I didn’t speak or look at her, Grandma grabbed my hand. “Riven…don’t be afraid to open yourself up, to let people in. I regret not telling you that when you were younger, for not pushing you on some of the hard stuff. Maybe if I had…”

“I wouldn’t have killed someone?” I finished for her.

“That was an accident.” I wondered if she was trying to make herself believe that or me.

“I’m a shitty person. I’ve stolen. I’ve sold drugs. I’ve fought people and hurt people. I’ve cheated on people I dated. I’ve lied. There’s no getting around that.”

“No, there’s no changing the past, but you do have the power to change the future and to make the most of the present. That’s all I want for you. Growing up, I just wanted you to be happy, wanted more for you than the lifestyle your daddy chose. That’s what I want for you now too, Riven. You’re a good man, even if you refuse to let yourself see it. You deserve to let yourself be happy.”

How? How do I do that? Why doesn’t my brain work right? Why can’t I believe you? Why can’t I believe Parrish when he said the exact same things to me?

None of those words made it past the walls inside my head, staying there, bouncing around like they were in a pinball machine. Before I could figure out how to respond, I heard the low rumble of a vehicle pulling up. It was quieter than Parrish’s truck, so I knew it wasn’t him. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, my muscles tight and my body aware.

“Stay here,” I told Grandma.

“Why the hell do I have to stay here? Is there a reason you’re acting like we’re going to be invaded by aliens at any moment?”

I ignored her and went for the door, expecting to see Rex and Frank—or hell, maybe even Bill—but it was a small, beat-up Toyota. I wasn’t able to let out a sigh of relief when the door opened, because Becca came out.

“She ain’t your responsibility,” Grandma said softly from beside me. “I feel real bad for her, that she’s in the situation she’s in. Rex isn’t a good person. I’d like to help her get out, but we gotta remember she’s a grown woman, Riven, and she makes her own choices. You can’t take the weight of her life on your shoulders, and you can’t fight her demons for her. You have your own battle.”

I nodded, but shit, in some ways Bec did feel like my responsibility. Maybe that wasn’t the right word, but maybe if I’d treated her better, if I’d have been able to tell her I loved her and been more active in our relationship, found ways to make her feel good about herself, she wouldn’t have gone looking for it elsewhere. Maybe if she’d expected to be treated better, she wouldn’t have accepted Rex’s shit.

Grandma squeezed my shoulder and walked toward her house. Talking to Becca was the last thing I wanted to do, but I wasn’t a fucking coward, so I headed toward her.

“Hey,” she said softly, not making eye contact. She wore a pair of small shorts and a tank top. Her hair was pulled up in a messy ponytail, what looked like yesterday’s eyeliner smudged beneath her eyes. Becca was beautiful, even like this. She always had been, but damn, the spark was gone from her eyes now, like it had been completely snuffed out.

Rage simmered beneath my skin, boiling me from the inside. She was another casualty of my choices.

“Hey,” I finally managed to respond.

We stood there for a moment, staring at each other. I couldn’t help wondering if I’d ever loved her. Maybe that made me even more of a dick, thinking that way. I’d cared about her a lot for a while, but I hadn’t loved her. Even back then I was pretty sure I’d known that. Becca had deserved better than me then, and she deserved better than Rex now, but how in the hell did you make someone see that?

“I don’t know why I’m here. Rex would kill me if he found out.”

Heat flushed my body, making me sweat. “Does he hurt you? Has that motherfucker laid a hand on you?” Parrish said he hadn’t, but maybe he didn’t know. Maybe Becca hid it well.

“No!” she rushed out, and something about her tone made me believe her. “He’s not physically abusive at all. I swear, Riv. I might be willing to accept a lot, but I wouldn’t deal with that. Not when I have Lainey and Soph.”

But she would if she didn’t have them? Was that what she meant? “You need to leave him. Get as far away from him as you can.”

“Can we go for a walk?” she asked, instead of responding to what I’d said.

I didn’t want to do this, knew what was coming, but I also couldn’t turn her down. She deserved better than that, so we headed around the back of the house and through the woods.

“Where are the kids?” I asked, not knowing what else to say.

“With Parrish. I fought with Rex, and he stayed away from home all weekend. I was overwhelmed, and like always, Parrish showed up this morning and saved the day. I felt like I was going to lose my mind if I didn’t get out of the house.”

Like always, Parrish saved the day. Why didn’t that surprise me?

“You guys are close?”

“He’s the only person in my life who really gives a shit about me, not counting the girls.” She kicked a twig. “She’s not yours, Riv, in case you wondered.”

I nodded, not telling her I knew that from Parrish. Since I wasn’t sure what he’d told her—if anything—about whatever it was we were doing, I was keeping my mouth shut. “I believe you.”

“I wish she were.” Her voice was so low, it was hard to hear her.

“I’m not much better than Rex. Don’t paint me as someone I’m not.”

“You’d be a better father than he is. You were a better boyfriend too.” I shook my head, but she continued. “I’m not just saying that because I’m not happy with Rex. I hate what I did to you…cheating on you with him, not seeing you in prison, jumping from being your girl to his. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why I’m the way I am. God, I hate myself for that shit, but I can’t seem to stop doing it. I know that’s not an excuse, but—”

“Who in the hell did you have in your life to teach you any better? We’re all just doing the best we can. I bet you think I should be forgiven for my sins, but you wouldn’t think the same about yourself.” That was human nature, wasn’t it? Unless you were a narcissist. But we were all easier on others than on ourselves. I wasn’t blind to the fact that I did the same thing I was telling her she did.

“And you’re not the same?” she asked, then stopped walking. I had no choice but to follow suit. “I could feel it, ya know? Even before everything went down with Jerry, I could feel you pulling away from me. You hardly touched me anymore. You never kissed me, though you rarely did even when we were happy. You were in your own world most of the time. You didn’t want me, but you didn’t know how to walk away from me either.” Tears pooled in her eyes, then chased each other down her face. Every one of them felt like they were my fault, someone else I’d hurt, her tears trying to drown me.

“It wasn’t you. It’s me. I don’t…” At the time I’d felt I was done with it all. I’d wanted more. I hadn’t known how to give myself to anyone—something that hadn’t changed. “My fuckups aren’t because there is something wrong with you.”

“Yeah, but my fuckups are because there’s something wrong with me. I slept with your best friend behind your back because I knew I was losing you. Normal people don’t do that. I’m so scared of being alone, of not being wanted. I screwed Rex even though I was in love with you… I’m still in love with you.”

Jesus, what the hell did I say to that? I tugged at the bottom of my shirt just to keep my hands busy, a prickling feeling spreading over my scalp.

“I would leave with you, Riven, if you wanted. Me, you, and the girls. I know it’s a lot to ask, and I know it’s hard to forgive me, but I’ll do right by you this time. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. I can make you love me, I swear, even if you don’t right now. I—”

“Stop.” I tried to keep my voice steady and gentle. “I can’t do this with you, Becca. I don’t—”

“Please. Let me prove myself to you. I can be what you need me to be. You won’t even have to do anything with the girls. I’ll take care of them. Give me a chance.”

Jesus, this was breaking my heart. “You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who loves you and who loves your girls.”

“Look around you!” Her voice rose. “There’s nothing better around here. This is it for us, and we gotta make do with what we have. Who the hell is gonna love me like that?” She started to cry harder then, her shoulders shaking up and down. It was awkward, but I pulled Becca into my hold, tried to tell her it was going to be okay, hated myself for not being able to fix this, for not getting her out of here. “No one will ever love me.”

“That’s not true.” But then, didn’t I feel that way as well? Only I didn’t want someone to love me, not the way Becca did.

“But you can’t…”

No, I couldn’t. “I’m sorry.”

“I am too.” I held her for a moment until she stopped crying. Without either of us speaking a word, we went back to the house, then her car. “I really do love you, Riven.”

I nodded. I believed her. “I want what’s best for you. If I can help you get out of this town, I will, but I can’t be who you need me to be.”

Without another word, Becca got in the car and drove away. Not for the first time, I had hurt her. You’d figure I’d be used to the feeling by now.