34. Mila

THIRTY-FOUR

Nothing makes a woman love a man

more than when she sees how much

he loves her children.

~ Unknown

Ifound a flyer in Noah's backpack yesterday. He never mentioned it.

Bring Your Dad to School Day was printed across the top. Icons of traditionally manly items like bow ties and golf clubs, watches and ballcaps lined the edge of the paper. The paper was shoved in as if Noah couldn't care less about the special event.

I don't know why schools have days like this. Some dads work off the island. Other kids are in a co-parenting home due to a divorce. And then there's Noah. He's never had a dad in the picture. I'm surprised his teacher didn't call me. She's usually so good about looking out for Noah when it comes to issues around his parental structure. Maybe she forgot.

After some serious thought, I decided I needed to show up for my son. It will either mortify him, or it will reassure him that he's loved. I'm hoping for the latter. And I can't chance him feeling left out or unloved, so I called Jasmin to come cover the desk while I take a few hours to be at Noah's school.

I walk up the hill through our neighborhood and then down streets lined with more beach cottages and larger homes. Our elementary school sits on a property at the top of a hill. There's a grassy yard and a playground on one side of the building. All the classrooms have an ocean view. It's the same school I attended when I was a girl, North Shore Elementary.

Walking down the halls toward Noah's classroom always makes me sentimental. I feel like a giant returning to a land that has shrunk in her absence. I remember games Chloe and I played when we were young. I even remember my aunts coming to school performances.

I stop outside the doorway of Noah's classroom. His voice rings out into the hallway. My son has no volume button. It's either loud or off.

"I don't have a dad," he says, almost proudly.

I peek in to figure out if I can stealthily make my way to the back of the room. What I see floors me.

Kai is standing next to Noah, his hands in his pockets, his eyes trained on my son, a soft, proud smile on his face.

Noah looks at his classmates and then up at Kai.

"Kai is like my friend who's like my dad. I call him Unko because when I was a baby I couldn't say uncle."

Noah's classmates laugh and he does too.

He looks up at Kai again. "Sometimes Unko's a lot like a dad. He taught me to surf. And he tells me to be nice to my mom, like a dad would. You guys probably know Kai works at the watersports shack. I think that's what I want to do when I grow up. Plus drive a skid steer and do demo. My mom probably wants me to run the inn. But that's too much doing laundry and cooking. I'd rather teach people to surf. So. Yeah. That's it. This is Kai. Any questions?"

My heart is near my throat, and I feel like my legs won't hold me. In one fell swoop, my son just said it all.

I already was falling for Kai. With this seemingly small gesture, he demolished all doubt. I'm hopelessly, completely, madly in love with him.

The urge to run to Chloe's overtakes me. She'll know. One look at me and she'll sort through all the muck and mire in my jumbled thoughts and feelings and she'll get down to the heart of things.

I step away from the doorway and flatten my back on the wall outside the classroom. Closing my eyes, I still see them standing side by side. I place my hand over my racing heart. This is their moment—Kai's and Noah's. When I collect myself enough to be able to carry myself out of the school, I push off the wall.

As I'm walking away, I hear a little girl asking Kai, "I have a question."

In his usual calm, kind, resonant voice, Kai answers her, "Yes?"

The girl, in typical first grader fashion, says, "I had pizza last night. It was pepperoni. Do you like pizza?" She pauses and I think I hear her add, "How tall are you anyway?"

I stifle my giggle and walk away from a sight I'll never forget for as long as I live.

I'm halfway to Chloe's when my cell rings.

It's Kai.

"Hey," I answer, pausing in front of one of the homes along this street.

"Hey."

The breeze from the ocean blows through and lifts strands of my hair, twisting them and releasing them to fall haphazardly around my face and neck. I turn so the wind caresses my cheeks.

If I could record Kai saying, Hey, in that deep, confident, calm voice, I'd play that recording on an infinite loop. Just that. Hey. It's a word layered with familiarity, as though he's reaching out through the phone to hold me.

Kai clears his throat. "I want you to know something."

"Yeah?"

"I was at Noah's school just now."

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I went there. I found the flyer and figured I ought to show up. I never expected you to be there."

"Oh. Well, Noah asked me. I didn't want you to find out about my visit from another source. And I don't want you to think I'm keeping secrets from you. I should have asked you. I just didn't want to burden you. I know it's awkward at times like this, having to be both parents. And you do a phenomenal job of it. I didn't want you to have extra stress with all you're already dealing with bringing Brad into the picture now. When Noah asked, I said yes without a thought."

I almost need to sit on the curb as the waves of Kai's words wash over me. He sees me—the effort it takes to be both parents. He doesn't think I'm weak, but he still wants to prop me up, to shoulder half the weight. And, then as if I hadn't heard when Kai first said it, the most poignant fact of all hits me like a dulcet arrow to the heart: Noah asked Kai.

I pull myself together enough to give Kai a coherent response. "I understand why you didn't tell me. And thank you. It means so much—that you'd go, that Noah asked you. All of it."

"Sorry I overstepped. I can get a bit … zealous … when someone I care about needs me."

"You think?" I tease.

"Ask Kala."

"I won't. Because she's got sister-lenses when it comes to you. She wants to prove she's capable. Most women won't have that issue with you, Kai. We like when a man steps up. It's a relief."

"Most women?"

"Yeah."

We both know what I'm really saying. But I can't say it. If I do, I'll crack. I'll start begging him to be there for me from now on. I'll cross over lines Noah needs me to keep in place. He may have invited Kai as his Unko, but Noah doesn't want his entire life rocked.

And with Brad here, and a plan moving forward for Noah to realize Brad is his father, I can't be the one to selfishly bring Kai into our lives as my boyfriend. Not during a lifequake so huge as revealing Noah's dad's identity.

This is what moms do. We sacrifice for our children. And sometimes that sacrifice feels like a death. A death of a dream. A death of freedoms we once took for granted before motherhood. A death of loving someone so deeply it almost aches, but choosing to say no to something more. I'm letting Kai go for Noah's sake. It's the right thing to do.

Maybe in eleven years I'll be able to welcome a good man into my life. By then, Kai will belong to someone else. He will. He's too good to remain single all those years, and I'd never dream of asking him to wait, especially since I don't even know for sure whether he feels more than friendship for me. Though, sometimes I suspect he does.

It doesn't matter what he feels or what I feel. All that matters is Noah. Noah deserves to be fully considered. He deserves this sacrifice.

A silence stretches between Kai and me while I ponder the reality of our situation. Maybe he forgot we're on the phone? Got distracted? Hung up? Did he say goodbye and I missed it while I was lamenting my situation?

"Are you still there?" I ask.

"Yeah. I am. Just tell me if I ever overstep, okay?"

"I will."

And, Mila?"

"Yeah."

"I want you to know I'm not trying to replace Noah's dad."

"Okay. I do know that."

"Good. I wanted to be sure you knew. I might not be Brad's number one fan, but I know my place."

I should feel relieved. Kai is setting healthy boundaries. But my heart sinks like a stone in water. He doesn't want to be Noah's dad. Of course he doesn't. He's not. And I've made it clear no man will ever be in that position.

Kai and I hang up after I thank him again for stepping in and caring for my son. He assures me it's his pleasure. Before we end the call, he says, "I love him." He says it so easily. Those words just flow out of his mouth like they're the most natural thing in the world to say.

"He loves you too," I say.

"I'm pretty lovable," Kai jokes.

I want to say, You are. But I say, "Okay, well, have a good rest of your day."

"You too, Mila. You've done a great job with Noah. You're quite a mom."

"Thanks."

"K. I'll see you soon."

Kai hangs up and I walk the last block to Chloe's even more stirred up than I was when I left the elementary school.

Chloe's home is a block up a hill that leads straight to a semi-private beach. She has a deck off the side of the second story overlooking the ocean.

When I show up on her front doorstep, she pulls me into a hug and walks me straight through the house to the deck.

"Sit. I'm getting us iced teas and you're talking."

"Okay."

There aren't words to describe the kind of friend who takes one look at you and knows you're at triage level of emotional crisis. I take a seat in one of the stuffed chairs aimed at the view stretching out over rooftops. The ocean spans in all directions and a faint hint of the mainland shoreline can be seen on clear days, like today, far off in the distance.

Chloe returns with two glasses in hand. Then she settles next to me in her own chair.

I spill everything, ending with Kai showing up at the school for Bring Your Dad Day.

"Were you mad?"

"Mad? No. Why would I be?"

"He went to school with your son without telling you. Aren't they only supposed to let preapproved adults into classrooms? I mean, I know we're Marbella, but we get visitors. What if Brad wanted to take off with Noah?"

My heart stills.

"Not that he would. He totally won't. He won't, Mila. He has asked you permission every step of the way. He's surprisingly respectful and keeps to the lines you draw. I'm just saying, any old yay-hoo can walk into our quaint elementary school unscreened?"

I giggle. "Down, girl. Kai is on the approved list, just like you are. Besides, like you say, this is Marbella. I'm sure when he walked in, Marge recognized him, said, ‘Hey, Kai,' and went back to answering phones or filing or whatever she does all day."

"True."

"You're so Liam Neeson in Taken."

"You have no idea."

"Oh, but I do." I take a sip of my tea. "I think Kai was trying to step in without making it complicated for me."

"Everything about the two of you is complicated."

"Tell me about it." I collapse backward into the soft cushion of my chair.

"So, how are you feeling about him?"

"About Kai?"

"No, about Ryan Reynolds. Yes. Kai."

"I'm … so in love." I cover my face. Then I let out this groan of frustration. "Chloe, I love him so much it actually hurts." I peek through my fingers at my bestie.

"I know you do."

I just nod at her. Of course she knows. She knows everything about me. We could be twins but with polar opposite personalities.

"What's keeping you from crossing the line? This whole faking thing made sense at one point, but I don't see the rationale anymore. I think it hit its expiration date a while ago and you two have kept it going out of some subconscious desire to have an excuse to touch and kiss without risking sharing your real feelings for one another. But what do I know? I'm just the wife of a pilot. I don't even remember what it was like to fall for Davis. We just sort of rolled into our relationship and never looked back."

"And you're so good for one another."

"We are. Until he has to retire. He'll drive me nuts then. But maybe I'll start my world travels in my sixties, in earnest. We're great together, but we need these breaks. It just works for us."

"You'll manage when he's here all the time. We just have to find him a hobby."

"More like seven hobbies. One for each day of the week. But we aren't here for my life planning. Stop shifting the topic. We're talking about you and the hot Hawaiian."

"Stop it!"

"What, he's incredibly good looking and you know it."

"He is." I groan again. "And he kisses just like you'd hope he would."

Chloe rubs her hands together. "The good stuff. Finally!"

"Nope. That's all I'm saying. Just … gah. His kisses."

She cracks up. "You know, you never raved about Brad's kisses."

"I never had anything to rave about. They were good. You know. Pretty good kisses. Not horrible. It's not like he slobbered or made weird noises or breathed funny. His breath smelled nice."

"What a Yelp review that is!" Chloe bursts into laughter. "Would possibly kiss again. Not horrible. No slobbering, weird noises or bad breath. Three out of five stars."

I cackle. Chloe laughs at her own joke.

When we stop laughing, I say, "As if. No one is leaving Yelp reviews for kisses, you dork."

"Well, I'm glad to hear you could tolerate your husband's C+ kisses. Davis is an amazing kisser if you want to know."

"I don't."

"K, then. Back to you and the hot Hawaiian."

"Stop calling him that." I smile over at Chloe. She won't stop, especially now that she knows it bugs me.

"Seriously, Mila. What's the real reason you're hesitating to reach out to Kai and share your honest feelings for him? You'd be hard pressed to find someone who cares for you more than that man does. He's going to handle your feelings with such kid gloves. Even if he's not in love with you—which I'd bet this house that he is—he'll be so careful. That man would die if he was ever the source of your pain. You know that right?"