35. Mila

THIRTY-FIVE

Of all forms of caution,

caution in love is perhaps the most fatal

to true happiness.

~ Bertrand Russell

Istare out at the ocean, considering Chloe's challenge.

What's the real reason I'm hesitating with Kai?

My voice is softer when I finally speak. "I'm afraid."

"Of?" Chloe's gentler too. She's a powerhouse, but she knows when to dial it back.

"Of being hurt again." I sigh. "It sounds so stupid now that I say it out loud. It's just there's this really deep place inside me. I don't think I can even reach it to reason with myself. I'm so broken way down deep in this unreachable and unalterable place inside my heart—from Brad."

I could be crying. But no tears come. Just this overwhelming numbness and resolve.

"And Noah," I add. "He's a big reason too. It's a crazy time for him and he doesn't even know it yet. He's about to find out Brad's his dad. This isn't really the time to bring a new man into his life."

"A new man? Is that what Kai is? The dude your son just secretly invited to Bring Your Dad to School Day?"

"Right." I scoff at myself. "Yeah. You've got a point. But bringing him to school and actually having to adjust to the idea of me getting into a romantic relationship with Kai are two totally different things. Also, we don't know if Kai feels anything beyond friendship for me."

"Beg to differ, but we'll table that last detail."

I nod. Then my thoughts tumble out like belongings jammed into a closet when the door flies open.

"Kai will disappoint me, Chloe. Men do. They all leave. Davis isn't leaving you. He's different. Besides, he sort of leaves for a living. He satisfies his escapism in spurts every time the plane lifts its wheels off the runway."

I look over at Chloe, and it hits me. That was uncalled for. My grief and pain are making me thoughtless.

"Oh my gosh, Chlo. I'm sorry. Davis isn't leaving you. He adores you. He totally misses you when he's gone. I'm so sorry!"

"I know. I know. That was a slightly careless thing to say, especially for you. You're never anything but sweet. But I get why you said it."

Chloe's face is so forgiving, I somehow release the guilt that was starting to swell inside me.

"It's just …" Chloe reaches over and puts her hand on my knee. "I never knew you felt all this. You've been so stalwart. So back to business. I figured … I don't know. You seemed so well-adjusted. I never knew. I should have, though. And I'm sorry I didn't see it. No one moves on from a blow like the one Brad dealt you with the kind of finesse you mustered. Not even you."

"You never knew that Brad gutted me? That he took my dreams with him when he left? That any thought of romance died for me the day our divorce was final?"

"Yeah. That. I never knew."

Chloe stands and comes over to my chair. She squishes in next to me, and then she pulls me into a side-hug. I curl into her like a girl soaking up comfort from her mother. It occurs to me then, as it often has, how life fills in the blank spots. My mother was ripped from me at a prematurely early age, but I've been given Phyllis and Joan and Connie. And I have Chloe. I lost one mother and gained four women who would do anything for me, and who love me with a devotion I can only call motherly.

Chloe smooths my hair over my shoulder. "And, Mila?"

"Yeah?"

Her voice is soft like a careful whisper. "Your dad didn't leave."

I choke out a sob.

I tap my temple. "I know that here."

Then I lay my hand on my heart. "But I can't seem to get it sorted out here. All I know is that I feel like men leave. They leave me."

"Even Noah …" I can't say another word after those two come out of nowhere, surprising me with their force.

I sob hard. It takes a few beats for me to even be able to speak.

"He's going to grow up and leave me, Chloe. And I'll be …" I sob again, sniffling from the tears. "I'll be … alone." I manage to get the word out between cries.

Chloe lifts me slightly away from her so she can look into my eyes.

"Well," she says. "I should hope so. What do you want? Noah to be one of those forty-year-old guys who sits around with a remote in one hand, a beer in the other, and Cheeto dust down his shirt while he mooches off you the rest of his life?"

I laugh, but all this crying has my nose messed up, so I snort. And not a little. The pig-like, snuffling wheek trumpeting through my nostrils sends both of us into a fit of laughter.

When we finally catch our breath, Chloe looks at me with a sincere expression.

"I know it's scary, babe. People die. They disappoint us. They leave. But this time, it's not about people. And it's not about your past. And it's for sure as heck not about Brad.

"This is you and Kai. That's it. It's just that simple. And that man has shown no signs of being a flight risk. He's here every time I turn around. So you need to do both of you a favor and consider him—without letting all the other men in your life weigh in on your decision."

Chloe's right. I know she is.

"Thanks."

"Anytime. Ride or die, girl. I'm yours. You're mine. No givebacks or tradesies."

We finish our tea and I head out to relieve Jasmin at the inn. My heart feels lighter somehow, even though I don't have a clue as to what I'm going to do about Kai.

Phyllis is in the lobby when I enter.

"There you are." She smiles broadly, opening her arms for a welcoming hug. When I step closer, she says, "Oh. Have you been crying?"

My fingertips move up to my face and gently brush under my eyes.

"I was at Chloe's. We had a heart to heart."

"Are you alright?"

"I am. Really. Possibly better than ever."

"Good." Aunt Phyllis smiles. "Let me get us a snack."

"Are you here for anything in particular?" I ask my aunt.

"No, dear. I'm just here for you."

I allow myself to collapse into her comfort when she pulls me into a hug.

I relieve Jasmin while Aunt Phyllis retreats to the kitchen.

The door to the inn opens behind me. When I turn, Brad is standing behind me.

"Is now a good time?" Brad steps into the main room. "You're not going to make me chase you around the inn, are you?"

He smiles warmly, but I still feel a pang of guilt.

"Of course. Now works. I'm so sorry about earlier. It's kind of … well, there's no excuse. That was a bit over-the-top."

"It's okay, Mila. Knowing what I do now, I understand."

"Knowing what you …?"

"That you and Kai were never actually dating." He crosses his arms, but not in an angry way.

This is Brad, challenging me to say anything except the truth. And I can't. I have to tell him.

"You faked that whole relationship," he says it matter-of-factly.

"Yeah." I nod.

I can't look at him at first. But then I do.

He strides nearer until only a few feet separate us.

I don't ask how he heard my relationship was fake. I'm guessing Aima leaked the news once she heard. She's got her reasons. If I were her, I wouldn't have told anyone, but she seems far too interested in Kai to walk away without some attempt to sabotage what she thinks is going on between the two of us. Maybe it wasn't her, but the timing and motives seem too uncanny for it to have been anyone else.

Brad's face softens. "Were you that worried about your feelings for me that you had to bring in a buffer?"

How do I answer that? It's slightly presumptuous. But in another lifetime, that would have been a valid question. As it is, I'm torn. If I tell Brad our charade had nothing to do with my feelings for him, I'll insult him. If I tell him I wanted a buffer from his feelings, I'm assuming something he could easily deny.

I opt for complete silence.

"I'm not going to push myself on you, Mila. But I'll be honest. I'm interested in you. I never stopped loving you. I know I did a crap job of acting as if I loved you. I'll never forgive myself for leaving you like I did. But I'm not that man anymore. I think you can see that now."

I blink slowly. I can feel the weight of my eyelids shutting and reopening. My ex-husband is standing here telling me he's interested in me—that he still loves me. Oh, there were years I would have given money—even sold the inn—to hear those words from him. But that season is so long gone, it almost feels like a figment of my imagination.

Brad continues speaking into my prolonged silence. "Think of what it would be like. We could have all we dreamed of, Mila. This time, with Noah. And I'm not rushing you. We can take our time—as long as you need. I don't care if it takes the next seven years for you to trust me again—or longer."

I start to speak and Brad gently raises his hand, indicating he's not finished. "Give this some thought. You don't have to answer me today. Noah could have his family back. And we could have all the things we said we wanted together. I know I hurt you, Mila. I didn't falsify my reasons for coming back. I'm here to get to know my son. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I had hoped you might forgive me and give us a second chance."

"That's why," I finally say.

"Why what?"

"That's why Kai and I pretended we were in a relationship."

"He said it, not you, if you'll recall. You just went along. You're too kind and generous to turn down a friend when you believe they have your best interest in heart. But does he really? Or did Kai use fake dating as a way to get closer to you?"

"No, Brad. Kai isn't like that."

"You're not a man, Mila. No offense. Men see through one another. Kai has ulterior motives. And why shouldn't he? You're amazing. One of the best women on earth. He was taking his shot in a roundabout way."

Brad's compliments do nothing for me. Nothing. I'm not mad. I'm not flattered. I'm like a blank manilla folder, empty and void of anything significant.

"Brad," I see the hope rise in his expression when I say his name, and I wish I had a brake pedal to stop him from careening into his dream with me. "I can't make you that promise—that I'll consider a future for us. We had a beautiful marriage—wide open with possibility, shared dreams, genuine love. That was another life for me. I'm not that girl anymore. And I don't know if I would ever want to be her again. I've forgiven you. I really have. But I'm not in love with you anymore."

The words feel like a key, unlocking that deep down place. Something soft and fragile takes wings within me.

Brad's face falls. But, he rallies, proving the man I always knew is still alive and well inside him.

"We could … give it time? I think you could love me again."

"No, Brad. I'm not going to lead you on. You're welcome to re-enter Noah's life. And, because of him, our lives will always be intertwined. But I don't want you to wait for me. I'm not coming back."

Brad opens his mouth as if he's going to say something.

But then, Aunt Phyllis walks out. I had honestly forgotten she was here.

She steps up next to me, and faces Brad.

"You made your case. A good man knows when to walk away." Phyllis stares at Brad.

"Okay, then." His lips draw into a thin line and then he blows out a breath. "I'll just let myself out."

"Thank you," I say, not quite sure what I'm thanking him for.

I'm just so relieved we got everything out in the open. And I told Brad the truth.

The truth will set you free, they say.

And that's how I feel. Free.

Phyllis and I watch Brad walk out the door.

When the door shuts behind him, I turn to my aunt. "I thought you always told me good men stay."

"I changed my mind this time. That one needed to go."

I chuckle. "So you heard all that?"

"I did. You and Kai were faking?"

"We were. I'm so sorry."

My aunt just smiles at me. There's not a shred of condemnation in her expression or tone of voice.

"I wish you had told me."

"We just couldn't. The more people who know, the more chance it would leak. Not that you would have spilled anything. It was just a precaution. But it killed me to hide the truth from you. I'm sorry."

"I understand. I also don't believe you are that good of an actress. Take it from an actual actress, there's only so much the average person can pull off when they aren't feeling something real. Am I right?"

Her eyes flit between mine, drawing out my confession.

"I love him."

"This is Kai we're talking about, right? Not your ex-husband?" Her grin is mischievous and light.

"Obviously."

"Good. Because, not that I get a vote, you know, for raising you and for pouring wisdom into you over all these years, guiding you … feeding you … giving you a home … paying for ballet … you know." She winks. "But if I did get a vote, it wouldn't be for Brad. If he weren't Noah's dad, you wouldn't even give him a second thought. So don't be confused by his power of persuasion."

"I'm not. He and Kai aren't even in the same league."

"You've got that right. Kai loves you, Mila."

"He hasn't said so." I almost sound pouty, and I kick myself for needing his words when everything about him has shown me so much more than words ever could.

"What do you want?" Phyllis asks. "A man who said he loved you but walked out on you when you needed him most? Or a man who has shown up for you ever since he met you, even though you've never officially been his?"

I'm pondering those words long after my aunt leaves to go home, and long after Noah comes back from his afternoon with Aunt Connie and Uncle Ethan. They echo in my mind as I serve my guests supper and wash the dishes.

I'm tucking Noah in after this day that feels like it lasted a year.

I'm nowhere close to being prepared for the question Noah asks when I'm about to turn off his bedside lamp.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, buddy?"

"Why did Aunt Connie say Mister Brad is my dad?"