31. Mila

THIRTY-ONE

Love is friendship that has caught fire.

~Ann Landers

Noah and I are sitting in the kitchen for breakfast. He's talking about surfing and what Kai told him during their lesson and how Kai is the greatest surfer on earth. It's pretty cute.

Then, out of the blue, Noah says, "I want to see that cove."

His statement catches me off guard. My son isn't one to stick to a single train of thought as a rule, but bringing up Brad … that was a turn I hadn't anticipated.

Noah's been asking about "my friend" lately here and there. Things like, "How come he never was here before? Now I see him everywhere." I told him Brad lives off Marbella and has for years. "But he's here now because he bought the cove?" Yep. I told him that's why—the cove. Not because Brad wants reunification.

I've been slowly bringing up the idea of Noah's dad in random conversations. Meanwhile, Brad has been edging his way onto the scene. One day my hints and the reality of Brad will overlap into what I hope is a seamless transition. It's the best I can do, considering the impossible situation Noah and I were left in when Brad abandoned ship. Now, my only hope is the least harmful path toward reunification.

Saying Brad's here for the purchase of the cove isn't a bold-faced lie. Brad is here to expand his business. But I'm putting my toes right up to a deceitful line—for Noah's sake. It still makes me feel ill. I've never lied to my son, not even about Santa Claus. When he asked if Santa was real, I said, "He's someone we like to imagine is real."

The real reason Brad is here isn't the business. And one day Noah will know that. I only hope he understands why we waded into the truth from the shallow end instead of leaping off the high dive. I need to ease him into meeting Brad and then we'll work into a story about how a dad who was estranged can come back. And then, we'll talk about how a mom would need to introduce the child slowly. Basically, I'll tell Noah his own story until he figures out he's the boy I'm talking about, and Brad is the dad in this tale.

It's the best plan I've got in a situation with no guidebook and no roadmap. The Google results on parents who abandon their child and want to reunify were paltry at best. And the Reddit threads were so full of hateful suggestions I stopped searching them. I wish I had found those when I was in my brief season of self-indulgent anger at Brad. They would have felt cathartic then. With so little out there to guide me, I'm winging the way I navigate this critical season based solely on mother's intuition and some wisdom I gleaned from a How to Tell Your Child They Are Adopted article along with the few initial resources that therapist sent me.

I swallow a bite of Belgian waffle. I make my Mila's Place Waffles from an actual recipe a guest brought me from Europe. They're from yeast-rising batter and have caramel sauce as an option—one I fully indulged in. I may never go to Belgium, but at least I'll have Belgian waffles.

Noah's studying me. "Can we go?"

"You want to see the cove? You've been there before."

"Yeah. But I want to see it now. I want to see what your friend, Mister Brad, is changing."

I was the one who introduced Brad that way.

Funny, Kai is my friend, and all I can think about is wanting more, and how life is unfair because I can't have romance with Kai right now. Brad was everything to me, yet he did things to me a friend would never do—things Kai wouldn't do to a stranger, let alone a girlfriend or wife. Ironically, I have to call Brad a friend for Noah's sake.

"Excuse me?" One of the guests pops her head into the kitchen. "We ran out of syrup."

"Oh! Sorry. Let me get that. Thank you so much for bringing it back here."

"No problem. Jasper and I just want to tell you how much we adore being here. You're the consummate hostess. And the food is delicious. I'm going to have to double up my Jazzercise when we get home!"

I smile, taking the syrup pitcher from my guest and refilling it.

"That's what vacations are for," I say, as we walk back to the dining room. "A little indulgence, a lot of what you never get to do in your day-to-day life."

"I hope you take vacations." She has a motherly look in her eyes.

"We have an off season, but the inn rarely empties out completely. Sometimes it does for a day or two. But I'm grateful. If it's full, the doors stay open."

"Well, I'm just a nosy old lady, so don't mind me if I overstep, but you need time off. We all do."

"I take time. Around the edges."

She drops it, but her nudges resonate somewhere deep inside me. I don't really ever take time off. Being with Kai lately has been the closest thing to a vacation. He always makes me relax, even if it's just by washing a dish for me, or taking me to the beach for an afternoon.

I make my rounds through the dining room checking the buffet of condiments before I return to the kitchen where Noah is standing on the footstool, rinsing his dish from breakfast.

"So, what do you want to do today?" I ask him. "Jasmin is coming in to sit at the reception desk for a few hours."

"Let's go exploring!"

"On the back side?"

We haven't been on the undeveloped side of the island in ages. Wild animals roam freely there, and there are tidepools and walking paths.

"No, silly." Noah shakes his head and rolls his eyes. "At the cove. I want to see the workers and demo."

"Demo, huh? Where did you hear that word?"

"Aunt Phyllis watches the Home Channel."

"Ahhh."

"I love demo day! I think I want to be a demo day guy when I grow up."

"Hmmm." I smile at my son, his life wide open with possibility. "Would you build things too?"

"Like in Minecraft?"

"Yeah. I guess."

"I could build lots of stuff. Maybe I'd build you something too."

He hops off the footstool and wraps his arms around me. I hold him tight until he wriggles free. Noah has always been affectionate, but he's already at the age where he tells me not to hug him in front of school or when I drop him off for a playdate. I savor each one of his hugs, knowing one day he'll spend years withholding them from me down the road.

"Let me check with Brad to see if we can stop by his construction site."

I grab my phone off the counter.

"You have his number?" Noah asks, his brow scrunched in confusion when I grab for my phone.

"Oh. Yeah. I do."

I'm at a loss for a snappy comeback that would explain why Brad's number is in my phone. So I just send a quick text.

"Does Unko know?"

"Know what?"

"That you have Mister Brad's number?"

"I think so. Yes."

"Okay."

Noah turns and walks out of the kitchen, leaving me dazed by our interaction.

Brad texts back that he'd love to see me and Noah.

Great. Yay.

My next text is to Chloe. She texts back that I'm a saint and she'll miss me in heaven when I'm seated on some special throne for people who are unnecessarily kind to their exes. She follows that with a text that says, I'll be thinking of you while I huddle alone in my little ramshackle shack in heaven while you live in a mansion reserved for people too good for this earth. I shake my head, but I'm smiling. Then I type back, I'll have you over to my palace at least once a week. She types, See! That's why you're getting the mansion. You'll never forget the little people.

I'm smiling despite the fact that I'm taking Noah to see Brad in less than an hour. Chloe should get a mansion in heaven for her loyalty alone, not to mention her quick wit and ability to make me smile.

I text Kai next. I don't even question the fact that I feel the need to let Kai know I'm going to see Brad. Somewhere over this past month I've come to lean on Kai more than anyone else. He's the one person who holds me together like no one else can. I need him to know I'm about to spend time with Brad. Knowing he'll be aware settles me a little. I can take Kai with me in my heart and draw strength from him even when he's not actually there. Besides, seeing Brad without telling Kai feels like an odd sort of betrayal. If Kai really were my boyfriend, I'd definitely be giving him a heads up.

An hour later, Noah and I are walking down the trail that leads to the cove.

"Do you think he's got a backhoe? Or a skid steer? Or a crawler crane?" He's been chattering on about construction the whole fifteen minute walk from the inn to the cove.

I think back to the truck book we used to read every single night before bedtime: Trucks At Work. Each page was basically a photo, the name of the machine, and a simple sentence of what it did. We read that book like a Puritan reads scripture. Noah started reciting the contents cover to cover with me by the time he was three.

"I don't know what kinds of machines …" My voice trails off when I look up to see Brad standing with his arms folded defensively over his chest.

And there he is.

Kai.

He's standing next to Brad, asking a question or something. All I know is Kai is calm and cool as a cucumber and Brad is not pleased with Kai being here—at all.

"Hey," Kai walks over to greet us.

"Hi, Unko! Did you come to see the demo?"

Kai chuckles. "I did. And to see you and your mom."

"How did you know we'd be here?" Noah asks.

Kai looks only momentarily stumped and then he says, "Your mom mentioned it."

"Oh." Noah accepts this without further question.

Then he walks over to Brad while Kai and I stand at a distance watching them.

"Mister Brad, I want to see the demo. Also, I know that's a skid steer."

"Wow," Brad says, smiling a wide smile at Noah. "You're right. Do you know what they do with those?"

"A skid steer digs and hauls in small spaces." Noah quotes the book we used to read.

"I think I might hire you," Brad says, pinching his own chin thoughtfully with a thumb and pointer. "A guy like you could come in handy around a job site like this one."

"Really?" Noah beams up at Brad.

"Well, let's see," Brad pretends to size Noah up. "You're smart. I can tell that much. And you know about demo and skid steers. Do you have a degree?"

"What?" Noah's face scrunches up.

"College? High School? Maybe your contractor's license?"

Noah shakes his head. "I don't have those."

Brad's approach is warm and caring. I can see he's out of practice. But that will get better over time. He's trying so hard. It's written all over his face how much this moment means to him, even if he's playing it cool by joking with Noah.

My heart pinches and then it feels like something hard and heavy falls away. Brad's never going to be my husband again. But this? This is good. He's making an effort with Noah. He's following my timeline and asking me what to do at every turn. If reunification had to happen, at least it's happening in a gentle and good way. For Noah's sake, I'm treasuring this day in my heart.

Brad looks at Noah seriously. "I tell you what. If you like, I'll let you sit in the skid steer and move the levers around to make the bucket raise and lower. And then, if you stay in school and get your degree. Well, we'll talk after that."

"Will you still know me then?"

"I hope I will. I plan on being around."

"Okay."

Brad sticks his hand out and Noah looks at it.

"It's not a deal if we don't shake on it," Brad explains.

Noah grabs Brad's hand quickly like he needs to snatch up his future job opportunity before it evaporates. And then they stand there, shaking hands. And my eyes well with tears. This is the first time Brad has touched his own son. And it's the first time Noah has ever touched his father.

Kai places a hand on my lower back as if he knows. He does. He just knows.

"Mom! Can I? Can I go in the skid steer?"

"Sure, honey. You can."

I look up at Kai and he's smiling down at me like I cured cancer, when all I did was make room for Brad in Noah's life.

"I didn't want you to have to face this alone," he whispers.

He offers his support as if it's nothing. But it's everything. He has no idea that he's the first man to ever think of me and to consider how situations might make me feel. He's the first to step in and make sure I'm not alone. I've gotten so used to handling everything independently. I probably shouldn't get too reliant on Kai for support. But his kindness keeps tempting me to relax into him as someone I can truly count on. It's almost becoming impossible not to constantly wish for more between us.