Chapter 8 - Rand

I slid out of her and lay on the couch next to her, panting as my wolf relaxed for the first time in days, finally sated after getting the thing he'd been craving for ages.

I bit back another groan at that thought. I hadn't realized how badly I needed her. I had been picturing Astrid naked since she'd shown back up in my life, and I'd fantasized more than once about what it would feel like to fuck her again. But I'd forgotten just how insanely attractive she was when she was pissed about something. It wasn't the first time we'd had angry sex. And part of me hoped it wouldn't be the last.

"You're still as hot as the day I first met you," I said.

"You're not so bad yourself," she shot back. Her eyes were far away, almost glassy, as a worry line creased the skin beneath her brow.

I frowned, an unpleasant nagging sensation creeping up my spine. "Everything all right?" I asked.

"Everything's fine," she said. "For the most part."

Something about the way she said it made my own stomach sink. "That doesn't sound like everything's fine," I countered. "So why don't you tell me what's really on your mind?"

She propped herself up on her elbows, looking up at me. She chewed her lip as she considered something.

"I think this should be a one-time thing," she said. "I think emotions got high, and we both needed to get some things out of our system. But I don't know if you and I being a thing beyond this is going to work."

I blinked. "Really?" I couldn't lie and say I wasn't disappointed.

"I think it's for the best we don't get too attached or let things go any further," she said. "We tried doing something once, and we both know how that went."

I frowned, studying her face. I might not have seen her in a few years, but I remembered her tells well enough. She was holding something back, only I had no idea what it might be. "Is that really the whole story?" I prompted.

"Honestly?" She let out a huff of air and brushed the hair from her face as she looked at me. "I don't want to get hurt again. Once was bad enough. And as fun as that was, I don't know if I can trust you not to do it again."

The accusation felt a little too close to a slap in the face. I tried not to look hurt or offended even as I tried to sort everything out in my head.

"I wasn't trying to hurt you," I argued. "I was trying to do the opposite."

It was the truth. I had been trying to protect her. I'd figured breaking up with her was the best thing I could do for her and for Thea, and I assumed leaving the way I had would make it all easier. Cold turkey, a fresh start for both of us. I thought it would be easier for us to both move on.

But how much had I moved on, really? Because the more time I spent with her, the more I realized that I still had feelings for her. Which posed its own set of problems. The whole reason I had broken up with her in the first place had been to protect her. Getting back together with her in any capacity would just put her in even more danger than she already was.

I shoved those thoughts away. I had been right to break up with her, even if my method might have been questionable. I wasn't going to let the mess of emotions that had come up since she'd shown up dictate my decisions or put her back in danger.

All of this went through my head in a fraction of a second before I crashed back down to reality as Astrid spoke again.

"But you did hurt me," she said. "It doesn't matter if you meant to or not." She paused, considering. "Actually, sometimes I wondered if it might have been easier if you had just meant to hurt me. Maybe it would have been easier to swallow than you doing it unintentionally."

I winced. "Come on, Astrid. I don't know if that's really fair."

She flapped her hand as she slid off the couch. "I don't really want to argue with you about it," she said. "Mostly because I know it's not going to do anything. You think you're right, and that's the end of it for you."

I opened my mouth to argue, to try and get her to understand that what I had done had been the right call. But before I could even formulate what I was about to say, she spoke again.

"I'm going to go take a shower."

She walked off, and I watched her naked body move toward the front hall toward the stairs. Just seeing it and thinking about what had just happened was enough to make my cock twitch again.

I tried to push those thoughts aside. They weren't going to do anyone any good. Like Astrid had said, this was best as a one-time thing. Anything else would add even more unnecessary complications that neither of us wanted.

Except neither my wolf nor I wanted that, and that was a problem.

***

I fixed dinner that night, trying to do something to smooth over the tension that had lingered between us throughout the day. Both of us still seemed to be reeling from the sex, though neither of us seemed to want to bring it up.

Astrid came downstairs as I was cooking. "Something smells good," she said.

"I had some venison. I thought I might as well cook it up." I looked over my shoulder at her. "It's still one of your favorites, right?"

She blinked in surprise, then nodded. Something lurked beneath the surface, though, in her shoulders and eyes. I turned to get a better look at her.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

She shook her head as though to clear it, then turned to look at me. "I'm okay," she said. "Just worried about Thea. It's been a while since I've been away this long. I know she can handle herself, but it still feels weird not having her around."

"Do you want me to get her and bring her here?" I asked. "There's a chance it'll be safer."

Something that looked like shock or alarm flickered in her expression, gone so quickly I was fairly certain I'd imagined it.

"No, no. It's fine," she said. "I think that would actually put her in more danger. The less interaction you two have, the less important that gang or whatever will think she is. But I appreciate the offer."

I frowned. "Are you sure?"

She hesitated, biting the inside of her cheek, her old tell for when she was thinking hard about something. Then she shook her head.

"If this goes for much longer, then maybe," she said. "But right now, I can still call her and talk to her. She knows the general gist of what's going on, so she knows to play it safe."

"Does she know I'm around?" I asked.

She snorted. "No. I don't want her worrying about me any more than she already is. If it comes to going to get her, then I'll tell her."

I nodded. Still, something nagged at the back of my head. I had liked Thea quite a bit, how friendly and optimistic she was. I also remembered how protective Astrid was of her. The two of them had gone through a lot. I remembered Astrid telling me how responsible she felt for Thea after her parents had died. I would have expected Astrid to want Thea as close to her as possible with all of this going on.

For a moment, I wondered if maybe something had happened between them, or if there was more going on than Astrid was letting on. Or, I could be reading way too much into all of this, and it was simply Astrid wanting to keep Thea at a distance because of the situation. Hell, maybe even because of me. Maybe she didn't want to bring me up again with her sister after all these years. Could I really blame her, if that was the case?

But the thought that she was keeping Thea at arm's length rubbed me the wrong way, almost chafing at me. And I didn't like the thought that I might be the reason she was avoiding her sister. Not when I knew how much they cared about one another.

My mind wandered back to the fight. It wasn't the first time we'd had angry sex. In fact, with our stubborn streaks, it had happened quite a bit, though I also think that might have been because we both found it hotter than it had any right to be. But that wasn't what I was thinking about. Instead, my mind was going back to what she'd said about our break-up. The more I thought about it, the more it nagged at me. It was one of those vicious cycles that fed on itself.

I had left for her safety. I wasn't going to feel guilty about that. So why did I suddenly wonder if it had been a mistake?

And that wasn't the only thing that had begun to nag at me. In a way, this whole situation was my fault. They wouldn't have gone after her if it hadn't been for me. Or, if I'd held her closer, the way the other Silver Wolves had clung to their mates, then she would have been here. With me.

Or maybe she wouldn't be here at all , a voice, defiant and stubborn, broke through the thoughts. For all you know, she could be dead because some monster or another of your enemies got hold of her years ago, and it would have been your fault. The best way to protect her was to leave .

I realized Astrid was watching me, drumming her fingers, her head tilted.

"I get it," I said. "I won't push it. But if you change your mind and want her here, let me know. I know how important she is to you." I paused, chewing over my next words, wondering if they were the right choice or if I should bite my tongue. "She's important to me, too. I like Thea. I want to make sure she's okay."

She blinked, some of the tension in her shoulders releasing as surprise flickered across her face.

"She liked you, too," she said. "She was pretty upset when you left. Which is why I think keeping her away is best for everyone. After all, once this Gray Wolf stuff is taken care of, I'm leaving. I don't want to get her hopes up. She's not a kid anymore, but…" Astrid shrugged. "I know what she's like. Bringing her here would just make everything messy at the end of it."

Something wriggled inside me and settled in my stomach as she mentioned eventually leaving. We both had to have known it would happen. It wasn't as though she'd ever hinted she was remotely interested in sticking around. But the thought that she would leave after all this had never really crossed my mind, either. And the more I thought about it, the unhappier it made me. Now that she was back in my life, I didn't want her to leave.

I thought about telling her as much right then. I even opened my mouth, the words halfway out, when I stopped. What good would it do? She was still clearly angry with me and didn't trust me. Telling her I wanted her to stay would make it worse.

"Food will be ready soon," I said. "Why don't you find something on TV to watch while it's cooking."

She nodded, leaving me alone with my increasingly annoying thoughts.