Chapter 12 - Rand

I frowned as I watched Astrid push her food around the plate. Deep bags hung under her eyes. She looked like she'd lost weight in only a handful of days.

"You need to eat," I said.

"I am eating," she retorted, but her voice was hollow.

"Pushing your food around the plate doesn't count as eating," I growled. "Don't make me force-feed you."

I expected her to fire back at me. Instead, she mechanically stuffed a single piece of steak in her mouth and pushed away from the table.

"I'm going to go upstairs," she said, turning to leave.

I stood and cleared the distance between us before she had gotten out of the kitchen. I took her arm and pulled her back toward me.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said. "I'm just tired."

I snorted. "That's bullshit," I argued. "I know you well enough to know when something is bothering you."

She pulled her arm away, eyes narrowing. "We've known one another for a couple of weeks," she said.

"Oh, so all those years of dating didn't mean anything?" I asked.

"People change," she fired back. "I don't think I need to justify myself to you."

"I'm trying to help," I argued.

"Well, don't."

She turned to walk away. I reached out again, this time taking her shoulder and spinning her toward me. Reaching out with my free hand, I tilted her chin so she was looking at me.

"Is it Thea?" I asked. "Are you worried about her?"

Life flared back into her eyes as they filled with rage. She shoved me away. I could smell the anger radiating off her as she glared at me, her limbs trembling.

"Shut up," she said. "Just shut the fuck up. You aren't allowed to ask those types of questions anymore."

"I'm asking because I care—"

"You gave up your right to care when you walked out the way you did," she spat. "Because you sure as hell didn't care then. You didn't care about how I felt about you. You didn't care about how you running off to hunt monsters and leaving us alone might affect us. You didn't care that maybe breaking up with me by trying to sneak out like a one-night stand would feel like a knife to the chest. You left us and walked away like I was an old toy you weren't interested in anymore."

"That's not true," I said, my own anger starting to grow. "I left because I cared."

"And you were so fucking short-sighted that you didn't think about the long term," Astrid spat back. "Like maybe, oh, I don't know, how it sent me into a massive spiral of depression because you'd abandoned me? How basically it felt like a replay of when my mother walked off without so much as a goodbye?" Her voice rose and quavered as she built up steam. "The one person that I cared about besides Thea just walked out and left me in the lurch."

"You knew I was going," I argued.

"And I supported you," she said. "Because I knew you thought it was the right thing to do. You wanted to help people. I didn't think that would mean you would throw me out of your life. Based on all our talks, I thought we'd come to an understanding that we'd be long-distance. But no. You tried to sneak off."

I opened my mouth, but she held up a finger, cutting me off. Her eyes blazed with a cold fury I had only ever seen her have on a couple of occasions. I could smell the hurt and rage wafting over her.

"And it really messed me up," she said. "The only reason I was able to crawl myself out of the hole I'd fallen into was because I knew Thea needed me. I wasn't going to abandon her like everyone else. But by then, it was too late. I'd lost my job and basically had to start from scratch."

"Astrid—"

"You left us in the lurch," she accused. "And made it so I had to do whatever it took to make sure Thea was all right. Do you know what I had to do to make ends meet?"

"No," I said, forcing myself to stay calm. "Why don't you tell me?"

She paused, seeming to run out of steam. Something flickered behind her eyes, but I couldn't tell if it was more anger or something else. Part of me wondered if, in the heat of the moment, she had said more than she'd meant to. But what would she be holding back?

Before I could think more of it, she shook her head. "Forget it," she said. "You wouldn't understand."

She spun around and stormed out of the kitchen. I stayed where I was, listening to her footsteps as she stormed up the stairs, her words swirling in my head like a storm.

I stayed where I was for a long moment, processing the words. Above me, I could hear her stomping around.

I had thought I was helping her. I'd truly thought what I had done was the best for everyone.

But for the first time, I began to doubt it. What would have happened if I had stayed with her? I could have kept looking after her, sent money to her and Thea if they needed it. For a moment, I wondered if my decision had more to do with me than it had Astrid. I'd always said it was for her protection, but what if it had been for myself? Leaving her so I didn't have to worry about attachments? If we were broken up, that meant I didn't have to worry about her anymore.

I had always had the belief that you needed to stand behind your decisions. You needed to believe that you were right, because second-guessing yourself could lead to any number of disasters.

Except I hadn't been right. Not this time.

I glanced up at the ceiling as if I'd be able to see Astrid. I didn't like seeing her upset; I didn't like knowing I was the reason she was upset in the first place. But I did this to her. I had to accept that. My decisions had done a lot of harm, more than I had anticipated. I'd made a mistake. The thought felt almost foreign, but I knew it was the truth.

I'd made a mistake, and now I had to own up to it.

My wolf pushed inside me, keening, wanting to go upstairs and comfort Astrid. She was unhappy, and I needed to do something about it.

Still, I remained rooted to the spot, still processing everything that had happened, wondering how the hell I could make it up to her.