Chapter 13 - Astrid

I splashed my face with water, hands trembling as I tried to get a grip. My eyes stung with unshed tears as I gripped the edge of the sink.

My head swam, and my stomach churned. This was all my fault. I had spent my whole life protecting Thea. Now her life hung in the balance because I had wanted to settle a stupid grudge. I should have just stormed out of Ansel's office the moment he had told me his offer. He might have already decided to use Thea against me back then. Better yet, I should have walked out the second I got a whiff of something off in that group.

My wolf paced anxiously, claws flexing as she whimpered, sensing my own complex emotions and knowing the danger surrounding the situation.

My mind replayed my outburst at Rand again and again. I didn't know if I would have had the courage if it hadn't been for the fact that my emotions were so all over the place. Maybe it was my subconscious trying to justify to myself why I should kill him. He had upended our lives, after all. The angrier about it I was, the easier it would be to take a knife and stab him through the heart. But the outburst had just tapped into a well of emotions and brought everything to the surface. It hadn't done shit to convince me I should kill him.

It would have been so much easier if I still hated Rand. But I didn't. I had been trying to deny it to myself, but I couldn't.

I couldn't let Thea die. But I couldn't kill Rand, either.

I took a deep breath, splashing more water on my face as I came to an unpleasant conclusion. I needed to tell him, to warn him, but my instincts screamed at me not to. If I did, Ansel might kill Thea. Or, for that matter, Rand might turn me in, and Thea would still be dead. I had no doubt that if I was found out, regardless of whether I told Rand or not, Ansel would kill Thea the instant I was discovered.

I groaned, rubbing my face as everything around me spun and spiraled.

A knock on the door snapped me out of my thoughts. I jumped, heart pounding.

"Astrid, can we talk?"

I swallowed, walked out of the bathroom into my room, and stared at the closed door. I could have said no. I wasn't sure he would listen, but telling him to go away was probably the best option, at least until I sorted out all my thoughts and figured out what to do. Except I didn't want to be alone. No, that wasn't it entirely. I wanted him here, next to me. Even if I couldn't tell him the truth, just being in the same room as him would have given me some level of security. Which was one of the reasons my decision had become impossible over the span of a few days.

"Yeah," I croaked, my voice dry. "Yeah, it's open."

I watched the doorknob turn. Rand pushed himself into the room. He stayed where he was, at a respectful distance. I waited for him to say something, the lump in my throat growing.

We stayed like that for what felt like a century. Finally, Rand sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

"I've been thinking about what you said," he muttered. "And I'm sorry."

I blinked, my anxiety temporarily scattering at the words. "What?"

"I'm sorry. I fucked up."

I could count on one hand the number of times I had heard Rand apologize, and two of those had just happened. He was normally so stubbornly insistent that he was right that he didn't see the need. I gaped at him.

He kept going. "I really did think I was protecting you and Thea. I thought that cutting ties cleanly would make it easier to stop people coming after you two. But I was being selfish. I didn't think about how you might feel or consult you about it. Even if I'd wanted to break up, I should have talked it out with you and given you a choice in the matter. And I sure as hell shouldn't have tried to sneak off in the middle of the night."

The words took a second to sink in, only solidifying the knowledge I'd slowly been circling toward. I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill him. I needed to tell him everything.

"Rand, I—"

Before I could say another word, he pulled me toward him, closing those few final inches, and brought his lips to mine. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. I melted, all the anxiety and fear and depression washing away, if only for the length of the kiss.

I dug my fingers into his shoulders, needing him. His mouth moved away from mine, trailing down my neck, sending shivers racing down my spine as his hands ran along it, caressing my back as they moved toward the hem of my shirt. In a swift movement, he pulled it off and threw it across the floor. He held me tight, pressing his body to mine, his large, calloused hands gripping my waist as he kissed me again.

I felt him harden against me, and the sensation of his cock stiffening was enough to start my own fire. It burned between my legs the more his grip tightened. With a skilled, practiced motion, he unclasped my bra. He gave a feral grin that made the need between my legs intensify.

His fingers went to my nipples, circling the buds before pinching them. He grinned as I gasped, then squeezed a little harder, still holding me in place so all I could do was arch my back in pleasure.

"I've always liked how you reacted when I do that," he growled, pinching my other nipple.

I pulled him toward me, locking my lips against his even as his hands continued to maul my breasts. But that wasn't enough for me. I needed all of him. I needed to forget everything wrong with my life, and this was the only way I knew would work. I fumbled with his pants and yanked them down.

His cock sprang out. I crouched in front of him, getting down on my knees. I ran my tongue up his shaft, swirling it around the tip and licking off a drip of precum. He groaned, his hands going to my hair and tangling in them. I felt his grip tighten as I wrapped my mouth around his cock and began to bob up and down.

I glanced up at him, smiling around his cock as I saw his head thrown back. I wasn't sure what would happen when we finished. But for now, it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was the two of us, here and now.