Chapter 29

29

J en

I sit up, and my head feels like it’s going to explode. It’s still dark. I groan. My brain won’t work. Was I drugged…again? I must have been. It sure as hell feels like it. What happened to me? I groan again, reaching to where I hope is a bedside table, and almost knock the lamp flying.

“Shit,” I mutter. I fiddle for the switch and then wish I hadn’t turned the lights on.

It’s bright. My brain is breaking. It feels like it’s too big for my head. I squeeze my eyes shut until it becomes more bearable. Then I look around the room. I take in the sparse furnishings and the peeling paint. I look at the ceiling, and, yep, there is a water stain.

Dinner last night. All of it comes back. Okay, not all, but most – at least up until a certain point. I drank too much. I downed far too much champagne, and it got hazy from around dinner time. Actually, I remember some stuff and stop trying to remember more because it’s too embarrassing. I scrub a hand over my face, groaning.

There is a glass of water and two Tylenol on the bedside table. I’m alone. This apartment only has one bedroom and one bed, which means that Steel is on the sofa. It’s that or… I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to think about it. I take the pills and down the whole glass of water. Then I snuggle back up in bed and switch off the light. I lie there for a while, feeling miserable. Feeling like I’ll never manage to fall back asleep, but I do.

I only wake up when the light is streaming in between the gaps in the drapes. My head still hurts, but not as badly as before.

I sit up and sniff. I smell bacon cooking. My stomach clenches tight in protest and growls at the same time. I want to eat everything on this planet, but I’m not sure I’m up for it. I’m slightly nauseous. I’m sure it would be worse if it weren’t for the water and Tylenol Steel left for me.

I groan as I get out of bed. My legs feel like lead. I head to the bathroom and then recoil when I see myself in the mirror. I look like a raccoon who had a tussle with a bear. I look like the bear won. My hair is a mess. My make-up is smeared. My eyes are bloodshot. I’m wearing pajamas, but I don’t remember changing when I got back.

“Wait a minute,” I whisper. “Duck rhymes with…” I close my eyes and shake my head as more of last night comes back to me. Nope, I really don’t want to remember any of it. I get these flashes. Little drips and drabs of memory that have me wincing because it’s bad. Soooo bad.

I quickly turn on the shower and take my clothes off. Then I get in and wash, scrubbing myself all over. Then I stand under the stream of water for a while. Once I’m done, I switch the water off and towel myself dry. Thankfully, there are a whole host of toiletries, so I attempt to get the disgusting taste out of my mouth. It’s like I played tonsil hockey with the bear I wrestled with. It’s that, or I ate shit. I’m hoping neither. I brush my teeth a second time, gagging when I brush my tongue. In the end, I feel much better, but still not great.

“I’m never drinking again,” I mutter as I wrap a towel around myself. I still have bloodshot eyes and pale skin, but overall, I look much better. I smell infinitely better. It’ll have to do.

It doesn’t take me long to pull on oversized sweats and a T-shirt. I don’t bother with underwear, which means I’ll fit right in with the women who work at The Pit. I’m not sure why I’m even bothering with the clothes. I take a deep breath, hand on the door handle. I don’t want to face him. I don’t! Then again, he might not even be here. He might be with her.

No, he will be here but only out of a sense of loyalty, a sense of duty. Steel is the kind of guy who will want to see this assignment through and keep me safe. I’m sure he’d prefer to be catching up with his sexy friend. I really don’t want to think about that. How they chatted and laughed together. It was easy to see they had a history.

Crap! I hate the jealousy that still burns through me.

Steel is not mine. He never will be. It was just sex. I need to get over it already. I will keep telling myself that until it actually works.

My whole life is in the toilet and my family’s future is at stake but all I can do is think about Steel and Natalia. I need to get my head on straight and focus on what is important. Namely, them, my mom and Caleb. It always has to be about them.

I pull in one more fortifying breath, and then I walk out of the bedroom. Someone up above must seriously hate me because Steel is wearing a pair of faded jeans and nothing else. His back is turned because he is cooking something on the stove. Bacon, from the fantastic smell that hits me. My mouth waters. Steel’s back is on full display. I just stand there and admire the view with my bloodshot eyes. He glances over his shoulder and smiles at me.

I go weak at the freaking knees. I blame the excess from last night for my body reacting like this. It isn’t him. Nope! It’s just not.

Focus!

“Morning. You look far better than I expected. How did you sleep?”

“I’m not sure if that constitutes a compliment or not.” Definitely not a compliment at all. I can tell that he is running through the events of last night. About all the things I said. I groan inwardly. This is terrible. What was I thinking? “I actually slept pretty well. Thank you for the water and the headache pills. I think I might have been singing a different tune if not for those.”

“No problem. You were a little out of it.” He gives me a half-smile. I really do prefer it when he’s brooding and angry. I don’t like him all happy because I threw my name away.

I begged him to have sex with me.

To spank me.

Ground, please swallow me whole.

What rhymes with duck?

I want you to take advantage of me.

I hate myself.

“I was more than just a little out of it, but we will never talk of it again, and I’m never drinking again,” I mutter, praying he’ll drop it.

He chuckles, turning to face me and folding his arms across his amazing chest. He leans against the counter. “Famous last words.”

“I mean it. I’m not drinking again. Not ever.”

“It’s nice that you could let your hair down a little. You don’t do that…ever. You should sit. Brunch is nearly ready.” He points at the counter. It has two stools. “Would you like some coffee?”

I groan. “That would be amazing.”

He pours me a cup, putting it in front of me as I sit.

“Breakfast will be ready in a minute.”

I sip my coffee while he grabs plates, dishing up a whole heap of eggs and bacon. He adds a slice of buttered toast onto my plate and three onto his.

For a moment, I am tempted to tell him I don’t need the bread, but my stomach growls loudly.

Steel laughs. “Hungry?” He lifts his brows.

I nod.

“I’m sure you are; you barely touched your dinner.”

“I was too busy drinking all that champagne. Roscoe is nice, by the way.” I bite the edge of a piece of crispy bacon and groan. “This is perfectly cooked.” Then I pick up my fork and try a piece of egg. It’s fluffy and delicious. That slightly nauseous feeling I had earlier is disappearing by the second.

He sits next to me, putting his plate down in front of him. “I’m not sure if nice is the right word to describe him, but sure, we’ll go with it. He’s the nicest, most trustworthy bad guy I know.” He puts a huge forkful of eggs in his mouth.

I want to say something back, but I can’t; I need to eat and right now. We inhale our breakfast in silence for the next few minutes. I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry in my life. I eat half my eggs, all of my bacon, and most of the toast before I start to feel better.

“Natalia is gorgeous. I don’t think I’ve met a more beautiful woman. She seems nice, as well.” I may as well put it out there.

“You think everyone is nice, Jen.”

“Again, I doubt that you meant that as a compliment. And that’s not true, by the way. I don’t like the general or the lieutenant much. I hate the duke.”

“Most people aren’t as nice as you think.”

“Again, you say it as if my thinking that people are nice is a bad thing. I like to see the best in people. I don’t think that’s a bad thing.”

His whole expression softens. “It’s an amazing thing. You see such good in others because you have so much good inside of you. I mean it as a serious compliment. Also, you look beautiful, even with a hangover. I mean that as a compliment, too.”

“You’re not supposed to be nice to me.”

“And we’re also not supposed to talk about sex or spanking. We’re not supposed to flirt. You did all of those things last night.” He grins at me.

“We’re not talking about that. I was slightly inebriated.” I take the last bite of my toast.

“Slightly?” He laughs. “You’re funny, Jen.”

I roll my eyes. “Okay, fine. I was a lot inebriated and can’t be held accountable for the things I said.”

“I’ve heard that people are very honest when they’re drunk out of their heads. Were you being honest, Jen? Were you being honest when—”

“I also said that I thought you and Natalia would make a great couple. I mean, she is the person you slept with, isn’t she?” I probably shouldn’t have asked. No, I shouldn’t have. Why did I? It isn’t my business.

His expression becomes serious. “It happened over a year ago. It meant nothing.”

“It didn’t look like nothing. I mean, don’t worry. Forget I asked.” I put some egg in my mouth to shut myself up.

“Natalia and I are friends.”

“No, you’re not. She kept putting her hand on your leg, and she was all over you for most of last night. You guys were chatting together and laughing. You both looked really cozy together. You didn’t look like friends, and I can tell you now that she doesn’t look at you like she thinks you’re her friend.” Why does my voice sound like that? I need to stop this conversation and right now.

“She kept putting her hand on my leg, and I kept taking it off. Maybe you missed that part.”

“She kissed you…on the mouth.”

Steel smiles. He uses a napkin to wipe his mouth.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask. “You know what? Forget I said anything. I shouldn’t have.”

“Firstly, you’re jealous. And then, secondly, she kissed me and not the other way around. I was not happy about it in the slightest. You can’t tell me that you didn’t pick up on that either?”

I snort. “I’m not jealous. No way.” I shake my head. “There’s too much going on for me to be jealous. I have no idea what’s going to happen. Everything is up in the air. It’s one hell of a mess. I don’t have time to be jealous. There’s a bounty on your head and a reward offered for my safe return. It’s a shitshow right now. Once again, and I will repeat: I don’t have time to be jealous. I can’t be.”

“And yet you are, and you have absolutely nothing to be jealous about. Literally nothing.” Steel puts his hand on my back. It’s warm and big and comforting. I want to lean into him. I want so much more than I can have. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m going to say it anyway: I only have eyes for you, Jen. That’s it. Natalia must have picked up on that. She’s not usually that full-on. Not since I made it clear that it’s never going to happen between us. I don’t have feelings for her. I slept with her in a moment of weakness. I wasn’t in the best place at the time. I shouldn’t have. It’s over. You don’t have to be jealous.”

Craaaap! I don’t want to have this conversation.

“Look, we shouldn’t even be talking about this. We need to stick to the plan. Only, there isn’t a plan, Steel. What are we going to do?” I try to steer the conversation out of muddy waters.

“There is a plan.” His hand is still on my back, rubbing lazy circles. “I need to go and speak with Arctic, face-to-face. I’ll explain what happened. I’m sure he’ll believe me. He has to believe me. We were best friends once, so maybe he can find it in himself.”

“You and Arctic were best friends?”

Steel stops rubbing on my back, and I want to complain. I want to demand that he continue. I don’t.

Steel nods. “Yep. We were thick as thieves once. From when we were kids and all through school. I was there when he was inaugurated. I was best man at his mating ceremony.” His eyes get this faraway look.

“Wait a minute, I didn’t know that Arctic was married. There has been no talk of a queen.” I frown.

“That’s because his mate died.” His eyes get hazy, and his throat works.

“Oh, no! That’s terrible. He lost his wife. What happened?” Then, realization dawns. “Did it happen four years ago, by any chance?”

He nods. “Yes, and it was all my fault.”

“I doubt that very much. You’re very hard on yourself, Steel. You take everything onto your shoulders. I’m sure it wasn’t—”

“Nope, it’s all my fault. I’m completely to blame. Arctic wanted me to be beheaded for the part I played in his mate’s death.”

I gasp. “No, surely not? Your best friend wanted you to be put to death?”

“Yep. Ice stood up for me. He spoke in my favor. He got the conviction overturned, but he was wrong.”

“Don’t say that. You’re a good person, Steel. When I first met you, I wasn’t so sure of you, but I quickly realized that you were trying to do the right thing. That’s how you are. It’s how you’re wired. You’re good. I know it! You wouldn’t hurt anyone…unless they deserved it,” I quickly add. “I’m not sure what happened, but I don’t even need to know to say all of what I just did and with complete conviction. You can’t have been to blame.”

He gives me the saddest smile. I feel so bad for him. This thing that he has been carrying around for all these years is heavy. “That’s sweet of you to say, but I am to blame. I didn’t pull the trigger of the gun that killed the queen…that killed Anya, but I may as well have done it myself.” His shoulders slump.

“That’s not true. I don’t believe a word of it.”

“Well, believe it.” His voice is choked.

“What happened?”

He sniffs, taking a few moments to pull himself together. “I fell in love with someone. Deeply and totally in love. I thought she was the one. I was so fucking happy, but instead of the forever-after I envisioned, everything turned into a fucking nightmare.”

I frown. “What happened?”

“Four and a half years ago, I met Lake, and we instantly clicked. It was like I found the other half of me.”

I feel a stab inside my chest. I really don’t want to be jealous of this mystery woman because it’s clear that something bad happened involving her. It ruined Steel’s life, and the queen lost hers. I can’t help it; I get jealous anyway. I nod, urging him to go on.

“We fell into a whirlwind love affair. At least, I thought it was love, but it turned out that she was playing me all along for information. Information I readily gave her. Information that was sacred to my role as the lieutenant and head of the royal guard. It was my first and foremost duty to keep the royals safe. To keep the king and queen safe, and I fucked up.”

“What information?”

“Lake and I had been together about six months. We spent every spare moment together…most of it in bed.”

There’s more stabbing in my chest. More of that jealousy winding its way through me. I do my best to push it aside. It’s stupid.

“I had just asked her to mate with me, and she said yes. We went ring shopping, and were planning the wedding. It was amazing. My mom was so happy. My poor family.” He looks down at his lap.

“What happened next?”

He licks his lips. “It was a whirlwind. A blur. A happy haze. We hung out with Arctic and Anya all the time. Lake was accepted and pulled into the circle. She was privy to all sorts of information just by being with them. We had fun together. She became like part of the furniture, so to speak. It was all so easy. Too fucking easy. I trusted her implicitly. Just like I would trust my own right arm not to hurt me or betray me.” He lifts the arm in question, looking at it as if it were a foreign object. Anger and hurt burn in his eyes.

“And Lake betrayed your trust?”

He throws out a laugh. “She played me. When I think back, I realize that she knew exactly what to say. What to do. How to be. How to push my buttons and get under my skin. She was a fantastic con artist, and I was her stupid-as-fuck mark.”

“What did she want? I’m not understanding any of this.”

“When Arctic took the crown from his father, he made big changes. He went into talks with the Mainland. He stopped the building of the tunnel that led to Draig. It was his late father’s wish to raid Draig and slaughter the Draigers in their droves. Arctic wants peace. He wants to mend the rift between the two islands. He’s brought about so much change. He encourages growth and development on the island. But not everyone on Mistveil has been happy with the changes. At first, there was a lot of pushback. He has since gained many followers. But not everyone loves him or wants him in power. There are factions who believe that he is no good for Mistveil, for us Reds. They want him dead. They want to see a new king in his place.”

I nod, my full attention on Steel.

“I believe that Lake worked for one of these factions. That she was sent to seduce me to get to him…the king. Arctic was the real mark. He was supposed to die, but his mate took the bullets for him.”

“I’ve never seen a gun on Mistveil.”

“They’re illegal. But just as with any contraband, they get smuggled onto the island.”

“What happened?” I ask.

“Anya threw herself in the way of the gunfire and was shot seven times. Three times in the chest, twice in the head, twice in the leg. She died in Arctic’s arms. He was hit once. It was a bullet that passed through her into him.”

I gasp, covering my mouth with my hand. “That’s terrible. The poor guy. I can’t imagine something so horrific happening.” To see the love of his life dead. To not be able to do anything to stop it or to change it. “I still don’t get how any of this is your fault. Not really. I take it that Arctic trusted Lake, as well. What information did she get that led to this?”

“The shooting took place in their bedroom, which is locked up tighter than Fort Knox at night. The only way to get in or out is with a code. A six-digit code that only the three of us knew.”

“No.”

“Yes.” He swallows again.

“What happened?”

He nods once, his eyes on the far wall for a few moments. “I’m not sure how it came up. Again, when I think back, I realize how fucking clever Lake was. How she wove things into our everyday conversation. Things about the king, about his comings and goings. I didn’t even realize I was being duped, but I was. It was all so calculated, but I should have seen it. I should have known. I’m not even sure how that particular conversation started. We were in bed, laughing, and fooling around. I won’t make excuses. I could, but I won’t. It all led to her asking what the code could possibly be. Was it a birthday, an anniversary, lucky numbers? It was playing around. I trusted her…fuck.”

“You told her the code to their bedroom?” Please, no. Surely not.

He nods; his eyes have this haunted look. “I didn’t tell her, but I gave her sufficient information to be able to figure it out. The way that Arctic and Anya came up with the code was so fucking sweet. So romantic. It was nice to share it with my fiancée. The future mother of my children. The first two digits were the day that the two of them met. I mean, how fucking romantic to use that in a code. The day they met was Friday the thirteenth. We joked about it a few times when the four of us were together. Anya was convinced it was a bad omen, and it turned out that she was right.” His jaw tightens for a few moments. “The next two numbers were the day they got engaged, and then the last was their wedding day. Thirteen, zero, eight, and twenty-nine. Lake loved it. She was a total romantic…or so I thought. I forgot that we even spoke about it. I didn’t think anything of it. We moved on. We found a ring and set a date. I was oblivious.”

“Of course you were. Lake was your fiancée and the love of your life. Why would you suspect anything?”

“I should never have given her that information because it led to her figuring out the code. It was stupid pillow talk. I got one of my best friends killed over fucking pillow talk.” His eyes are blazing. Every muscle is pumped.

“With the woman you loved. You can’t forget that part.”

“It’s no excuse. I’m an idiot. A complete fool. I broke every rule in the book. I broke his trust. I broke him. Arctic is probably the only person I know who is more fucked up than I am…and with good cause.”

“What happened after that? How did Lake get escape? What about the shooter?”

“The shooting happened at the change of the guard. He used a silencer. It was a quick, efficient killing. If the killer had even a few more seconds, they would have finished Arctic off, too, but they didn’t have time. Maybe they thought they got him. There was so much blood. The shooter fled and is still out there. There is camera footage, but he was masked. He was dressed in the royal guard uniform.”

“And Lake? I know you look for her, which tells me she got away, too?”

Steel nods. “Yes, she did. The only reason I’m still breathing is because of my search for her…and my need for revenge. On the night of the shooting, Lake told me she was going out with a friend. She kissed me goodbye, my ring glinting on her hand, and left without a care in the world. I sat there like an asshole waiting for her to come home when they came for me. I was arrested and thrown in a cell. I was questioned for days…for fucking weeks. Lake never came home. She was never seen again. There are those who believe her to be dead, but I know otherwise. She’s in hiding, I know it. One day, I will find her and take her in. She needs to be held accountable for her actions.”

“That’s why you search for her so diligently.”

He nods.

“How is it that Ice saved you?”

“I was stripped of my title and charged with several misdemeanors, including treason, for which I was sentenced to death. Arctic handed down the sentence himself.”

“That had to hurt.”

“It was completely understandable. I don’t blame Arctic. I would have done the same if I had been in his shoes.” He rubs the back of his neck absently.

“But Ice didn’t think you deserved to be put to death?”

Steel sighs. “He felt that Arctic was acting irrationally after the death of his wife. He pleaded a good case for having the charges of treason dropped. Arctic was out of his mind with grief. He was lashing out at anyone and anything. He didn’t put up the best argument, and the Council ended up ruling in my favor instead of his.”

“Ice doesn’t seem like the type who would work so hard to save someone.”

“I’ve always been wary of Ice, but we’ve always gotten along. He was my direct superior at the time. We’d worked together for a long time. I naively believed that these were the reasons he defended me.”

“It wasn’t, though?” I lift my brows.

“Nope. As soon as he needed to call in a favor, he did. When he recruited me to watch you, he made it clear that I owed him one.”

“Me?” I widen my eyes. “The favor was watching me?”

“Yep.”

“So, you were fired and thrown out, with nowhere to go, and ended up at The Pit working for Roscoe.”

“Nah. I served some jail time, then I lived off my savings for about a year or so. No one would hire me. I was completely shunned. Then I ended up living on the street for a while. I was angry at the whole world, which meant I got into a lot of fights. That’s how I caught Roscoe’s attention. I’ve only been working for him for about a year and a half. I got off easy, considering.”

“You didn’t get off easy at all. You have to live with the guilt. Steel, the only thing you were guilty of is being a trusting fool. Of following your heart instead of your head, and that’s not a bad thing.”

“I should have known better. I gave away classified information, Jen.”

“You were young and blind and completely in love,” I tell him.

“It won’t work, Jen. Thank you, but don’t even try to make me feel better about what happened. My best friend’s mate died in his arms because of me. Arctic is lucky he got out alive. I will never forgive myself for what happened.”

“You told me earlier that I’m too nice. That I only see the best in people. You told me you liked the trait.”

His face softens for a moment. “I do. I can’t believe I thought you were like her. You’re nothing like her. You don’t give a shit about money and titles. I watched you while we were in those candidates’ houses. Your eyes glazed over when they talked about their fancy cars and paintings. About their titles and castles. You had to work to look interested. You’re selfless. I’ve told you that before. You gave up on all of your dreams for your family. Who does that? As final proof, you love a movie called ‘50 First Dates’ so much you watched it twice.” He widens his eyes. “Serious proof of how sweet you are.”

I gasp. “There’s nothing wrong with that movie. And for the record, that was my third time watching it.”

“You’re kidding.” He smiles, which warms me.

I shake my head, smiling, too.

“Three times is insane. I will admit that the movie wasn’t all that bad.” His smile grows.

“See! I knew it. You liked it, you ass. Why did you lie?”

“I said it wasn’t all that bad, not that I liked it.” He narrows his eyes. “What I’m trying to get at is that you’re a fucking awesome person. I don’t deserve to breathe the same air as you.”

I roll my eyes. “Bullshit! You need to stop with the self-flagellation already. You fell in love. You saw the best in Lake. You trusted her. These are all good qualities. The same qualities you say you like in me. Why can’t you like them in yourself? Your trust was betrayed. That’s not on you, it’s on her. What happened is not on you. It’s on the people who planned the assassination.”

“I gave away classified information. That’s on me.” He points at his chest. “It should never have happened. I was careless with people’s lives, and there were consequences.”

I grip his shoulders. “You were played because you are sweet and kind.” I cup his face in both my hands. “You’re amazing, Steel. I want to find this woman myself. I want to beat her for doing this to you. For betraying your trust and your love. Those things are sacred; they’re to be cherished, not used and tossed away. Whoever gets you one day when you’re ready to trust again is going to be very lucky. I wish I could make you see yourself through my eyes.”

Because all I see is beauty, and it goes far beyond what’s on the outside.