Chapter 39

Graham came back upstairswith tears running down his cheeks. I made out two words before he said, "You should go check on your brother." I started to prod for more, but he continued. "He was walking to the woods. I'm sure if you search for his energy, you'll find him. But I think he needs someone right now, and it can't be me."

After losing my mom to suicide, I knew what those words could mean. Jake may have seemed fine earlier, but feelings change like the weather. Especially for people so young, ones who hadn't learned to regulate them yet.

So I shot out of the bed, yanked on my robe, and ran out of the house. I didn't yell for him. I didn't have to. At the edge of the forest, I heard him crying. That sound was my terrifying lighthouse. A guiding post to him.

Sure enough, I found him. He sat on a log below a pine tree with his head in his hands.

"What's wrong?" I asked, squatting down in front of him.

He used to do that to me when we were kids. I would cry, and I would hide my face away from him, so he would squat down directly in front of me, and he'd say, "Don't shut your eyes to what's wrong, Rainbow. Look it in the eye, even if there're tears in yours, and figure it out."

His cries softened, but they were short and close together. He was a few heartbeats from hyperventilating. All he managed out was, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Just tell me what's wrong so we can fix?—"

"There's no fixing this." Staring at his shaking hands in his lap, he spoke barely above a whisper. "And don't tell me not to be sorry, because I am. I'm sorry to both of you. It was all bullshit. It was stupid, selfish bullshit, and I'm so sorry."

"Jake—"

"It was never about you." A quiet weep escaped, but it was softer than the last. Maybe this was what he needed. Maybe to calm down, he needed to let it out. "I knew he was in love with you. I knew you were in love with him. I knew you guys would be good together. I knew you could make it work. I knew that, even if things didn't work, he would never push me or you out of his life.

"And I knew the power I had. I knew he felt like he owed me his life, and I used it." This sob was louder than the last, riddled with shame. I could hardly see him in light of the moon, but I could feel his grief in every shuddering gasp, and I needed to understand why. "When I found him in that shed, he thought he was indebted to me. And I knew he wouldn't betray me. If I asked him to do something, he would. That's the same reason I ended up in fucking purgatory for a decade. Because I could get him to do whatever I wanted. And you were my little sister. You did whatever I wanted. And it was never malicious, but it was wrong. It was wrong because it was never about what was best for you guys. It was always about what was best for me.

"Because I knew that it would destroy me to see you guys together. I knew it would hurt like hell to see him love you in a way that he'll never love me."

Slowly, my jaw dropped.

And it all snapped into place.

There were signs. There always had been. He only had one girlfriend, and it didn't last long. She said that he was too close to Graham. That Graham mattered more to Jake than she did.

I cracked it up to close friendship. Graham was Fae. Toxic masculinity didn't exist here. These people were in touch with their emotions on an intimate level, and that was why Graham blended so well with Jake. He just canceled out all of the patriarchal bullshit Earth bred into him. It was normal for teenage boys to spend so much time together, I told myself. It was normal for them to have close bonds.

That was still true. But it also wasn't that uncommon for people in the closet to fall in love with their friends.

"I should've let you guys be happy," he whispered. "That was really shitty of me, and I'm sorry."

Should I have said, ‘It's okay'? Should I have said, ‘It's in the past?'

Probably.

What did I say instead?

Nothing.

I processed it in heartbeats, but I didn't know what I was supposed to say.

"I've been racking my brain trying to figure out where I fit in here, with you, and with him, and with Warren and Ezra, and I finally figured it out. I finally know where I fit in." Only then did his watering, heartbroken eyes lift to mine. With quivering lips, he shook his head. "I don't. I don't fit in with you guys anymore."

Frowning, I laid my hand on top of his. "Jake, stop it. Of course you do. This doesn't change?—"

"It does. It does for me." He took my hand, and he squeezed. "I love you. And I love him. And it hurts so bad to see you guys together." Another tear streamed down his cheek. "Maybe one day, it won't. But I can't stay here. I can't watch this every day. I need to get over him. I need to grow up, like you said."

That salty water started in my eyes. "I didn't mean that you needed to leave."

"I know you didn't." He took my other hand as well, squeezing. "But I thought I could handle it, and I can't, Rain. Not right now."

A knot wedged in my throat, and my tears came down harder. "I just got you back, though. I don't want you to disappear."

"I don't want that either." He wiped my tear way, and I wiped his. "I think I just need time. I need to be home." He paused. "I guess I don't have a home anymore, do I?"

Touché. Neither did I. "You can stay at Copperfield House. I know Warren and Ezra would be?—"

"You guys are going to be there between missions. You already told me that."

Tell him I'll give him all the money he needs,Warren said in my mind. Son of a bitch was apparently watching a very vulnerable moment, but he and I would argue about that later. Consider it reparations for giving his body to a Demon.

"Well," I said, "Warren already mentioned wanting to give you money for everything. Everyone who was involved that day, all the sacrifices, I mean… He anonymously gave their families' money. It doesn't change what happened, but he's loaded, and it'll make him feel better if you take it."

I don't know if I would say loaded, but?—

Shut the fuck up, Warren.

Sorry.

"I don't want any handouts," Jake said. "I just want to get away from all this. I want to forget. I want to get my head on straight, and do normal things that I missed out on, and maybe get a degree or something. I know a lot about mental health. Remember how I was planning on becoming a therapist my sophomore year? Maybe I can get student loans or something. You can get housing with that, right? They'll pay for your dorm, right?"

Don't you dare let him take out student loans, Rain.

Warren, if you don't get the fuckout of my thoughts right now?—

Sorry.

This wasn't where I had seen the night going.

In fairness, bringing him back to life wasn't how I'd seen my life going.

But I understood why he felt how he did. Graham was easy to love. If the roles were reversed, and I was in Jake's position, I wouldn't be able to watch in misery every day, either.

And he was right. He probably did need time out in the real world to grow—to become the man he had missed out on in the last decade. He needed to experience life, and fall in love with someone who would love him back, and learn to be an adult.

If this was what he wanted, I would miss him, but I understood.

"We'll figure it out." I leaned in, hugged him as tightly as I could, and kissed his cheek. "It'll all be okay. I promise, everything will be okay."

He squeezed me back, dampening my shoulder with his tears. "Do you forgive me?"

I didn't know.

Right now, I saw him in pain, and I understood. Understanding and forgiveness were two very different things, though.

What he'd done all those years ago was cruel. Manipulating the fact that Graham felt he owed Jake his life was cruel. It came from a place of pain, and I could understand it, but it was cruel.

I supposed I needed more time with this to decide if forgiveness was the sensation I felt.

But I didn't need to say that. Not when he was like this. Maybe not ever. Not when, ultimately, I got everything he wanted, and he had a whole lot of nothing.

So I said, "Yeah. I forgive you."

"Even for kissing your boyfriend?"

I laughed, still hugging him. "That's what happened, huh?"

"He was almost too cool about it."

"He usually is," I murmured. "But yeah, I guess I can let it slide."

Jake laughed too, hugging me tightly. We stayed that way for a few long moments. Just hugging one another, processing all of it.

Eventually, he broke the silence first. "You promise you will? Help me figure it out, I mean?"

"I promise."

And that, I meant with every drop of blood in my body. No matter what, he was family. I'd do anything for him.

To be continued