Chapter 38

Within the hour,we were back in the cabin, all half clothed, lying in the same bed, drinking wine.

After finally tasting fairy wine, I understood why my parents loved it so much. Aside from the delicious flavor, it was more than just alcohol. Not to say that I did a lot of drugs as a teenager with Jake and Rain, but I did a fair bit, and I knew how alcohol felt. This was like an alcohol buzz in addition to a few joints.

We called that papever on the Fae Realm, but it absolutely was a medicine and recreational drug used here. I would not be the least bit surprised to learn that most fairy wines included some type of cannabis infused oil as well.

I'd come down to the kitchen to get the bottle for me, Rain, and the guys, but when I grabbed it off the counter, I saw Jake sitting by himself across the fire pit. And I had made him a promise.

Hey, I'm going to go talk to Jake for a little bit,I sent to Rain's mind. Have Warren come down to get a bottle.

Sounds good,she said back. Have fun, baby.

I hoped to. Also hoped to be filled in on what he and Rain had talked about earlier. And hoped that he and I could come to some new understanding of how our friendship worked now that we were older, now that our lives were different than they'd been.

Stepping outside, I called, "All alone out here, eh?"

He smiled and held his arms up at his sides. "I'm not alone. I was just talking to a squirrel. I think it was a squirrel, anyway."

"Probably not," I said, cutting away the distance between us. As I sat down on the log beside him, I stifled a yawn. "First time I saw a squirrel was on Earth. A lot of things here that look like squirrels, though."

"He was a cute little dude." Jake gestured to the bottle in my hand. "You drinking that?"

I took a swig and passed him the rest. "I'm drinking it. It's working, but not as well as it's working on you."

Flipping me off, he chugged for a moment. "You calling me a lightweight?"

"You always were."

He shoved my shoulder, and I shoved his, and we laughed. It was so relaxing, until it ended. Then we stared at the flames in the fire for a few heartbeats.

Eventually, I cleared my throat. "Hey, I wanted to apologize about the other day. When we were back at Makora."

"What are you apologizing for?" he asked. "You agreed with me. If anything, you should apologize to Rain."

True. But… "I did. We talked about it, and we're fine. Things were just kind of tense with us afterward. The next day, I mean. When we left, and you stayed?"

"That was about me and Rain." Frowning, he shook his head. "I'm not mad at you. I'm sorry if you thought I was. And I'm sorry if I've made things difficult for you and Rain lately."

"I think it's been an adjustment for everybody." With a smile, I wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "But I'm happy to have you back, mate. The last few weeks have been chaos, and I haven't really gotten to spend as much time with you as I wanted, but I hope you know how happy I am that you're home."

He smiled, but it was a little sad. "It's alright. I'm just still trying to figure out where I fit in here."

"Where you always have. Right here with me." I hugged him a bit tighter, grinning.

Jake laughed, watching the flames in the fire. "Look, I wanted to be honest with you about something."

"What's that?"

"I know you saw me talking to Rain earlier. She probably told you already."

We had been a little busy fucking to talk about much of anything.

"No, she didn't," I said. "Maybe she wanted to protect your privacy or something."

"Maybe." A barren, almost sad smile. "I, uh… I think maybe I've been kind of a dick to Warren and Ezra because I'm a little jealous of them?" Heat rose to his cheeks. "You guys are so close. All of you. And I'm happy for you guys. I really am, but I think I just feel a little left out. And I'm probably not handling it in the most mature way. But like I told Rain earlier, I know I'm not all that mature. Not compared to you guys. I'm working on that, but I don't know what my point here is. There's not really anything you can do about how I feel, but maybe it's a good explanation for why I've been the way I have been?"

Aww. Well, now I felt bad.

I hugged him a little tighter. "There are a million explanations for how you feel and the way you've been. You went through something really shitty. And, yeah, I've grown a lot while you were in purgatory, but you're still my best friend. You'll always be my best friend."

A quiet chuckle escaped him. Still tucked beneath my arm, his eyes turned to mine. He wasn't crying, but they were glistening with something. Grief, maybe? Shame? Certainly not jealousy. "Rain's your best friend now."

"You both are," I said. "I'm with her, but I love you just as much as I always have, Jake."

That look in his eyes, the difficult one to describe, burned brighter. There was so much warmth. Just as there was in Rain's. She always said that she hated her brown eyes, that they were boring. I didn't think so. I found them inviting, and comforting, and warm. She always said that she loved mine, then Warren's, because they were bright and colorful. But I found Warren's cold. They weren't nearly as warm as Rain's or Jake's.

"Not the same way, though, right?" he asked, voice barely above a whisper.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

I didn't have another moment to process.

He may have moved slowly, but it didn't compute. Even when his face was only an inch or two from mine, I didn't realize what he was doing. I didn't realize what was happening.

Not until his lips were on mine.

Even then, it took a heartbeat longer than it should have for me to pull away.

It wasn't because I enjoyed it, or because I was attracted to him. It was because, in that single instant, all the dots connected.

When we were young, and I kissed her for the first time, and he walked in on it. When he was so angry. When he said that she was too young for me. When he said that I couldn't date her because I was his friend. When he said that it would ruin us. When he said that I would lose them both, forever, if I did.

This was why.

He wasn't angry at me for kissing his sister. She wasn't too young for me. It had nothing to do with the fact that we were friends.

It was because everything that I felt for her, he felt for me.

And I didn't pull away at first because I felt horrible for not realizing it sooner.

When he talked about how much it must hurt, to see the person you love in a tent with someone else they love, he wasn't talking about Rain and her relationship with Warren and Ezra. It was about him. It was about him watching me hold Rain's hand, and kiss her cheek, and shut the bedroom door behind us.

It hurt. It hurt so badly, because no words could describe how much Jake Carter meant to me. When I said that I loved this man, I meant it. I loved him with everything I had. I respected him, and I was grateful for him, and I cherished him.

But, to answer his question, no.

I loved him as much as I loved Rain, but no. Not in the same way.

Pulling back slowly, I tried desperately to find the right words. All I could come up with, though, was, "Jake…"

"I know." His voice cracked. Clearing it away, he wiped a tear from his cheek. "I thought, maybe, I was wrong. When I saw you all dancing together, it looked like maybe it wasn't just Warren and Ezra that feel the way they do about men. I thought maybe you do too. But, uh, I…" Another throat clear. He stood. Too quickly, he stood. He wobbled, and I thought he might fall into the fire, so I reached out for his arm, but the second our hands touched, he yanked his away. "Don't touch me."

I dropped my hand back to my side, standing to face him better. "I'm sorry. I—I wish I did. I wish I loved you the same way, because I—I don't want to hurt you. You've been through so much, and?—"

"Stop." Refusing to look at me, his voice cracked and he begged me. "Please, just stop."

"But I'm not upset with you," I said. "Holding onto that for so long, keeping that inside, not telling anyone, I can't imagine how hard that's been, and I support you. I do love you, I just?—"

"Stop saying that!" His eyes met mine. Still, so warm, so comforting, so inviting. So hurt. "Please. Please stop."

I wanted to say more. I wanted to make sure he knew that I wasn't shaming him, and that I was proud of him for coming out, and that I would support him, and that I did love him.

But that was just it.

That was what hurt him. That I loved him, but that I wasn't in love with him.

Instead, I just whispered, "I'm sorry."

He tried muffling the sound into his hand, but I still heard him sniffle. "I'm gonna go for a walk."

"Do you want me to?—"

"I want you to go back in there to the woman you love and forget this happened."

"Jake—"

"It hurts too much, so please just stop." One more of those warm, inviting, comforting, now aching looks. "Please stop."

So, this time, when he turned away, I did as he asked.

I stopped.