33. Grace

THIRTY-THREE

GRACE

I put the last of the glassware in the dishwasher, closing it and pressing the start button.

"You didn't have to do that," Tanner says, wiping down the counter before he throws the sponge back into the sink. "I invited them here. I didn't expect you to clean up the mess."

"Why do you have that room?" I blurt, unable to hold in the question any longer. As the night went by, and I spent more time in close proximity to him, the need to have this conversation began to eat away at me. I just want to understand.

He puffs out his cheeks, releasing the breath he was holding in. He motions for me to come sit with him at the barstools, so I abandon the cleaning and follow him. He's facing me, and he gently puts his hands on the outsides of my thighs as leverage to spin my chair toward him. As always, electricity sparks to life under his hands when he touches me, but I do my best to ignore it. "My journey with kink started with you, but it didn't end the day I left." I wince, not expecting those words to hit me as hard as they do, but I sit quietly, so he can continue.

"After I hurt you, I became obsessed with what I did wrong. I started researching and realized how unsafe we were back then. We never even established a safe word. It's a miracle you weren't injured worse than you were."

"I told you. I liked it. I asked you for everything you did to me."

He nods. "I know, but that doesn't change what happened and how it affected me. When I reached what I felt was the end of the Internet as far as safety during scenes, I still didn't feel like it was enough. In one of the kink forums I was in, people suggested that I visit a BDSM club to see for myself how it should be done. I never expected to be a participant in any of it, but that's exactly what happened."

I shoot out of the barstool, unable to hear him finish this story. But before I can even move my feet, his fingers close around my wrist, holding me in place.

"I need you to listen to me, Grace. This is really important." The desperation and sincerity in his eyes has me pulling myself back up into my seat, even though I'm not sure I can bear whatever it is he's going to tell me.

"I met a married couple that worked there. Their job was to teach men and women how to safely dominate their partners. At first, they just demonstrated everything, but when they saw that I was still scared of losing control, they suggested a more hands-on approach.

"I want you to know that I never intimately touched her. It was strictly for learning purposes, and other than providing aftercare, I never let my hands roam on her body. They were very aware of my limits, and respected the fact that I only belong to one woman."

My breathing quickens, trying to put all of these pieces together. The way he's looking at me, practically begging me to understand, is making it hard to focus. "Were you ever alone with her?" I don't care if it makes me look jealous. I have to know. My heart pounds in my chest and my throat constricts, making it harder to breathe with every second he doesn't answer.

"Once. But it was a demonstration for a friend, who was struggling to understand the lifestyle. He needed my help, and I don't regret it. But I promise you, even then, I never touched her in an intimate way with any part of my body. Her husband watched on a video stream from the next room. Our limits were discussed ahead of time, and none of them were crossed."

I exhale quietly, hoping he doesn't see the relief as it passes through me. I don't know why I think I have a right to even be upset with him for being with someone else. I was engaged to be married up until a few weeks ago. As far as everybody on the outside knows, I still am. But as I sit here next to Tanner, Cash is a distant memory. His betrayal doesn't mean a goddamn thing to me now that the missing piece of my heart is right here beside me. All I'd have to do to get it back is reach out and take it. But could I? Or has too much changed?

I look up at him. "Do you still go there? Do you want to ?"

He shakes his head rapidly. "I don't need that anymore, Grace. I meant it when I said I never intended to participate. I'm glad I did, because it gave me the confidence I needed to know that I'll never lose control again. But as far as wanting to be there? No. I have everything I need right here, right now."

His words put me at ease, because even though I know I should be doing everything I can to protect myself from being hurt again, I also can't deny that I'm not in the same place I was a few weeks ago. I haven't forgotten what he did to me. I don't think I ever could. But the longer I try to pretend that things haven't changed for us since he came back into my life, the worse it feels knowing that no part of him is mine. I just don't want to stay away anymore. I don't know if I'm able to open my heart to him, and this might end poorly, but my body is exhausted from trying to fight the fact that I want him to touch me so badly. The other night in the sex room wasn't enough.

"Will you take me back into your room?" I ask before I can stop the words from coming out of my mouth. His brows pinch in, like he's having trouble understanding what I mean, so I throw caution to the wind, telling him what I need. "I want you to touch me, Tanner. I want you to dominate me."

"Grace," he breathes. "Are you sure you want to do that?"

"It's the only thing I'm sure about right now." That's the honest truth. My head and my heart are at war right now, but my body is winning the battle. I want him to show me what it's like.

He swallows thickly, hesitating before he finally speaks again. "If we do this, we're doing it the right way. I need to know what your limits are before we even go in there, and I want you to know mine. We'll have a safe word, and you'll use it at the first sign of discomfort. Do you understand me?"

I nod, because I can't find my voice to agree out loud.

"Okay. Tell me your limits, hard and soft."

Confusion washes over me as I try to put meaning behind his words, but I don't really understand them. And since he knows me so well, I don't even have to vocalize that for him to explain further.

"I need to know the things that you absolutely do not want me to do to you. I also need to know the things that are negotiable and what their terms are."

I rack my brain, thinking back to the past experiences we've shared. I never lied to him when I told him I didn't have any regrets about the things we did before. So, I can't imagine that there's anything I wouldn't allow him to try now.

"I don't think I have any," I say quietly. He shakes his head rapidly, letting me know that my answer is unacceptable .

"I refuse to do this with you if you're going in there without any limits. I'm not the same guy I was before. I take this very seriously and I refuse to hurt you or make you uncomfortable in any way."

I try to remember all the BDSM porn I've watched, zeroing in on anything that I wouldn't want to try myself.

"Don't spit on me," I tell him.

I expect him to laugh, but he gives me a tight nod in affirmation. "No spitting. Good. What else?"

I sit up straight, wanting to exude the confidence I feel inside. "There's nothing else, Tanner. Do whatever you want to me. I'll use my safe word if I have to."

He raises a brow. "Slapping? Biting? Breath play? Degradation? All okay?"

I steel my expression, so he knows that I understand what I'm saying. "Yes."

He takes a moment, looking into my eyes for any sign of hesitation. I stand strong, not even blinking until he finally stands up, towering over me. "My only limit is that I can't fuck you," he says firmly. I want to question him, but I have a feeling I already know the answer. He doesn't want to take it from me. He wants me to give it. "You good with that?"

"Yes," I whisper, looking up at him. There's fire in his eyes as he reaches out, encasing my hand in his and leading me down the stairs.