24. Grace

TWENTY-FOUR

GRACE

Sunlight filters through the curtains as I wake. At first, I can't even open my eyes because my head is pounding so hard. After my breakdown yesterday, I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, and I slept all the way through the night.

I look around the room, flashbacks from the past twenty-four hours slowly trickling back in. The way I snapped, breaking Tanner's things in a blind rage as he watched at a distance. The things I said. Did he think those words were for him?

Were they?

I'd like to say my anger was because of Cash. Maybe some of it was, but stepping into the lighthouse triggered memories that were so painful, I felt like I was brought right back to that day. It broke me all over again, and I allowed myself to feel it for the first time in years.

I sit up, stretching my sore muscles and head toward the bathroom. As soon as I walk through the door, I see several brand-new outfits sitting on the counter. I pick them up, one by one, seeing that they're all my size. There's a t-shirt with a pair of cotton shorts, a pink sundress, and a tank top with a pair of jeans. Everything has the tags still on it, except for one item.

I reach out, pick up the familiar gray hoodie and hold it out in front of me. The crimson Harvard Football logo stretches across the chest, and when I hug it to my body, his scent envelops me. For just a moment, I allow myself to let go of my anger and remember the happy times, like watching the sunset by the fire, wrapped up in one another without a care in the world. I loved Tanner Lake with my whole heart, and I don't regret a single thing about falling for him that summer.

I put the hoodie back, undress and jump in the shower. By the time I'm done and dried off, I'm feeling a million times better than I did yesterday. I opt for the t-shirt and shorts, because I have no plans to leave here today. Eventually, I'll need to sort through everything that happened with Cash, but I'm honestly still numb about that.

I'm almost embarrassed that I didn't see the signs. My dad was always saying what a hard worker he was, so I didn't think twice about the late nights and him always being exhausted. To begin with, our sex life was subpar, at best. So, I overlooked his disinterest, thinking maybe we were just going through a bit of a disconnect and that it would get better when we could spend more time together. But I never would've guessed his lack of desire to have sex with me was because he was getting it from someone else.

I make a mental note to get tested as soon as possible, because even though it's been a long time since we were intimate, I want to be sure. Who knows how long he's been sleeping with another woman, and who else she's been with during that time? I exhale, shaking my head at the thought of where my life is right now. Twenty-three and currently hiding from my ex-fiancé in a lighthouse owned by the person responsible for my first heartbreak.

Big yikes .

I find a brush in the drawer and carefully untangle my hair, braiding it loosely with the hair tie I thankfully keep on my wrist. I take a deep breath, looking in the mirror at my still tired reflection before heading out to the main part of the house to clean up the mess I made yesterday. I half-expect to see Tanner when I make my way to the living room, but the house is completely quiet, and it looks like I'm here alone.

Walking into the kitchen, I'm nervous to see the damage I caused yesterday now that I've calmed down. But I'm completely shocked when I enter the room to see that it's spotless. The glass has been swept from the floor. The papers that were scattered around the room are all set neatly into a pile on the table. And in the spot where the vase full of seashells used to sit, is a brand new one holding a fresh bouquet of white roses.

"Fuck him," I mumble halfheartedly as I lean in to smell them before turning toward the living room. All the dust I noticed yesterday has been wiped away, revealing the same beautiful furniture I remember from the last time I was here. I can't believe I slept through him cleaning all of the mess and coming back with new clothes and flowers. I guess I really was exhausted. I kind of still am.

Turning back toward the kitchen, I throw up a silent prayer that he keeps some type of caffeine around here. I'm not above instant coffee at this point, and I don't care how old it is. As long as it wakes me up, I'll choke it down.

I open the cupboard, finding it completely full of what looks to be brand new food. There's a bag of fresh coffee grounds from the café in town, a loaf of bread, and all the other things I would've bought myself if I was spending a weekend away. The refrigerator is also full, with fresh fruits and vegetables, milk, and most importantly, caramel creamer.

I make quick work of getting the coffee maker brewing and tap my foot against the hardwood floor while I wait. I make a mental list of things I need to do, including getting ahold of my mom to let her know that I won't be home for the next couple of days. I'll probably just tell her I'm having a girls' weekend with Monroe, so she doesn't ask any questions. I also need to make an appointment at the clinic to make sure I have a clean bill of health. I have to admit, I'm feeling kind of gross knowing that Cash was with someone else, and I have no idea how long it was going on. Just the thought makes me want to scrub my body with bleach.

I pour myself a cup of coffee, adding just the right amount of creamer before I make my way to the couch. The first sip hits my soul, making the zombie inside me take a hike, and I feel just a little more like a normal human being. It isn't long before I'm returning to the kitchen for a second cup, this time choosing to wander outside while I drink. It's a warm day, pretty typical for the end of summer in New England. The water laps gently against the shore as the sunlight bounces off the surface, making it look like a blanket of glitter as far as I can see.

As fucked up as my life is right now, even with all the buried emotions being here has stirred up, it's still as beautiful and serene as I remember. I sit in one of the chairs, kicking my feet up on the edge of the firepit and closing my eyes as I let the warm morning sun soak into my skin. I almost drift off, but when I hear a repetitive thud in the distance, I sit up straight, twisting around to investigate.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me ," I groan when I find the source of the noise, ducking my head so I'm blocked from his view, but popping back up slightly for another look. Tanner is standing shirtless next to a large chunk of wood, raising an axe above his head. When he swings it down, the log splits right down the middle. Basketball shorts hang low on his hips, the band of his designer boxer briefs peeking out from the waistband. Beads of sweat roll down his abs, taking their time to explore every single dip and valley as they make their descent .

I sit there, staring like a creep, watching as he chops wood like some kind of edible lumberjack. I know I should stop looking. I'm still so angry and resentful toward him for everything that happened in our past, but I can't deny that he looks even better now than he did five years ago. I thought he was a man before, but the way he's become bigger, harder, and more defined makes me realize that the Tanner I was dealing with before has become a whole new person. But I can't let myself forget what he did. I'm appreciative that he brought me somewhere to hide for the weekend, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to forgive him. I've spent so long trying to make sense of every detail of that day, but the fact that he left me with no answers and no real explanation broke me in a way that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get past.

I'm not saying that one day Tanner and I can't be friends again, but I'm not dumb enough to give him my trust twice just so he can throw it away like he did before. I learned that lesson the hard way the first time around. Then I decided to take a chance on Cash, and he proved to be no better than Tanner.

Fuck men, for real. You know who's never broken my heart? My vibrator. And we're about to have a long and happy life together.

Now that I've reeled myself back in and found my inner bad bitch, I face forward, ignoring the twelve-pack of abs thirty yards away and focusing on the shit show my life has turned into within the past day. I wonder if Cash found my stuff on the counter and realized I caught him. I hope he's scared out of his mind right now, worrying about what I'm going to do. Does he care if I'm upset?

I've been waiting for the feeling of being broken to settle in, but it just hasn't. Don't get me wrong. I'm pissed that he cheated. In our bed, nonetheless. I'd be perfectly happy cutting his dick right off and throwing it out the window of a moving vehicle, but that hopelessness and despair that I'm sadly very familiar with? It's not there.

I try not to dwell on why that is, finishing my coffee and standing to go back inside. But as soon as I round the chair, I'm hit by the sight of Tanner carrying an armful of firewood toward me.

"Good morning," he says quietly. "Did you sleep okay?"

I clear my throat, trying my best to avert my eyes from his half-naked form. "Yeah. Thanks." Fuck, this is awkward. This man has been a part of my life since the day I was born. He's seen me at my best and my worst, and he knows me in ways that nobody else in the world does. So, the fact that I can barely even look at him is sobering. This is our reality now, and I hate that he did this to us. "And thanks for cleaning up. Sorry about…yesterday."

He sets the wood down by the firepit, standing back up in front of me. "Don't apologize for that. You had every right to react the way you did. It's my first time back here too, so I get it."

I snap my eyes up to his, anger immediately rising back to the surface. "You get it?" I choke out. "Yeah, I can imagine how hard it must be for you to revisit the place where you tore my heart out and left it bleeding so you could go live your life. You poor thing." I turn to walk away, but he grabs my arm, halting me.

"Bunny, that's not wha?—"

"Don't fucking call me that," I seethe, ripping my arm away from him. "We aren't friends, Tanner. I appreciate you giving me a place to stay for the weekend, but I can assure you that after tomorrow, you can go back to your cushy, comfortable life and stop worrying about me. I'll be fine on my own." I hightail it toward the house, slamming the door and going straight to the bedroom, where I stay until I hear his Tesla pull away, leaving me alone to make sense of all the emotions that are battling one another inside me.