25. Tanner

TWENTY-FIVE

TANNER

I walk into the bar, heavily considering turning around and going back home. But the guys were right. I've been bailing on them all summer long. I know they would understand if I just opened up and told them the truth about Grace, but they all look to me for guidance when they're having problems. I don't want them to know how fucked up my life has been the entire time I've known them.

We've been having our guys' nights here since they were drafted. It started with me wanting to take them under my wing and build relationships that would transfer onto the field, but over time, Blaze, Dalton, and Maverick have become some of my best friends. I know that sounds ridiculous to say, considering there's so much about me they don't know, but the shame I feel about the way I handled things with Grace back then is something I've never been able to shake. It's embarrassing to let the people who look up to you know that in your younger days, you didn't follow the same advice you now give to them.

"Over here!" Dalton yells, standing up and pointing to where they're sitting. It's not a crowded bar, and we have a special section in the back so we can enjoy our night out without being interrupted by fans. I love hanging with them, but guys' night is not the time or place to be signing autographs and shaking hands.

"Holy shit," Maverick says, reaching out for a high five. "It lives."

I roll my eyes, but he's right to be shocked at my appearance tonight. I haven't been prioritizing my friends the way I should because I'm too consumed with being near Grace, that I'm willing to risk every other relationship in my life just for a chance to look at her.

I decided tonight would be a good night to go out because, first of all, I could definitely use a drink. Secondly, I need something to stop me from driving back to the lighthouse and apologizing for how I handled things earlier. I don't know what I was thinking, acting like being there was harder on me than it was on her. I was the one who left. She begged me to stay.

But what she doesn't know is that I left my heart in the middle of the road with her that day. Between her saying she was considering giving up all of her dreams to stay with me, then me leaving bruises all over her body, I panicked. I spent the following months convincing myself that I had done the right thing to keep her happy and safe. By the time I realized how badly I had really fucked up, I didn't want to barge back into her life if she had started to move on.

Could I have looked her up to see if she was with someone? Or just asked Riggs or either of our parents how she was? Probably. But I always had a fear that they would tell me the exact thing I didn't want to hear. That's why I don't run or even have access to my own social media accounts. Living in ignorance has always seemed to be the easiest thing.

But I don't want easy anymore. I want her .

I know I can't just swoop in and try to win her back right away. She was just cheated on and is about to end her engagement. She's raw and vulnerable right now. I'll do everything I can to be there for her until she tells me she doesn't want my help, but I need to slow my roll with thinking that I'm going to be able to gain her forgiveness and trust so easily. I'll work for it forever if it means eventually getting a chance to show her that I still love her more than anything in this world.

But I can't do it alone, which is why I need to finally let the guys in on everything.

We order our appetizers and drinks, waiting for the server to set them on the table before we start telling each other what we have going on. Blaze tells us all about Mads getting another promotion at Tailgate Media, now heading the entire Blizzard media team. That girl works harder than anyone I've ever met, so I'm not surprised.

I go to reach for a loaded nacho, but Dalton pulls the plate away quickly. "Sorry, these are for people who don't hide their whereabouts from their friends. Hey Mav," he turns to look at Maverick, "where were you after practice yesterday?"

Maverick looks up from his phone, clearly annoyed. "Had a photoshoot with Bella at our apartment. Something about ‘showing the fans how relatable we are' or some shit."

"Here you go, buddy," Dalton says, handing him a chip before looking back to me. "Easy as that."

I pinch the bridge of my nose, taking a deep breath so I don't end up punching this idiot in the face. When I've collected myself, I sit back in my chair, and tell them everything. I start at the beginning, telling them about how Grace and I agreed to keep things just physical, but that we both fell for each other in the process. I go on, giving them as many details as I'm comfortable with, including how I freaked out on that last day and left her crying outside of the lighthouse. They listen intently, letting me go on about how I still love her more than ever, and how seeing her again solidified that I'll never be able to move on. Then, I do something I never thought I would.

I ask for their help .

"Wow," Blaze says, blowing out a breath. I know he probably has more questions than anyone. When he found out that Mads was into BDSM, I knew I had to help him. I've spent a lot of time since I left Hope Harbor learning the correct way to do things. The bruises I left on Grace's body rattled me at the time, and I put all my extra energy into making sure nothing like that would ever happen again. Deep down, I always hoped I'd find my way back to her, and I wanted to be everything she needed if she ever blessed me with a second chance. Preventing Blaze from making the same mistakes I did was honestly not even a question. "What can we do to help you get your girl back?"

I shake my head, pushing away the defeat I'm feeling after what happened earlier at the lighthouse. "Nothing yet. Right now, it's up to me to gain her trust back. I broke us, and I can tell right now it's not an easy fix. But I'm not going to give up. She's technically still engaged, so the best I can hope for is friendship. Once I have that, you guys can help me show her how perfectly she'll fit into my life."

I know that was probably the thing that hurt Grace the most. I was an idiot when I told her I wouldn't have room for her once I got drafted. Other than saying I didn't love her, that was the biggest lie I told her that day. Because there hasn't been a single win or loss that I've experienced where she wasn't the first thought in my head. I wanted to share it all with her, and I made her think there wasn't a place for her by my side. The truth is, I carried her with me through it all. Every touchdown. Every victory. Every time I looked into the camera, hoping she was watching. I haven't done a single thing in my career without thinking of her first.

And now it's time to show her.