Chapter Seven

With his mind on lockdown and his jaw set, Murphy showed up to the arena not a second before he had to be there. He went straight to his office and closed the door. It hurt to breathe. Everything just fucking hurt. He was still in charge of this team, though, and they still had a season to win. He would keep this nonstop feeling of humiliation to a minimum.

Murphy gathered his things and his pride and opened his office door. Lev stood in the doorway.

"Hey."

Murphy blinked. He hadn't been ready for this. No matter the pep talks and lectures he gave himself, nothing had prepared him to see Lev again.

Lev obviously didn't need a response. "Can we talk?"

Murphy stiffened his spine. "There's nothing to say."

"I have a lot of words."

Murphy glanced around. There was no one within earshot. "Look, it's fine. I told you I love you. That was obviously too much, and you saw your escape. No hard feelings. I get that you're young and famous. You can have anyone you want. I'm not holding you back any longer. Let's just go win some games."

Lev looked confused. "That's not what happened. Please, just hear me."

Murphy moved past him. "I don't need explanations. It's game time."

"I'm not playing unless you listen to me."

Murphy didn't look back. "No choice. You're starting." He couldn't do this. Murphy waved toward the tunnel. "Let's hit the ice!" On his order, the players made their way out to warm up. Loud music drowned out anything else Lev intended to say the second they cleared the locker room. Inside, Murphy shook. The last thing he had expected was a confrontation. He'd had time to think. Murphy realized now how Lev had run from him. The timing of his confession of love was no coincidence. Murphy saw that now. Lev had obviously not wanted the same commitment as him. He should have seen this coming. In a way, he had. He had known he shouldn't cross a line. It was too late for regrets. He couldn't take back anything. Murphy wouldn't if he could. Heartache or not, the love he felt was real. He had the memories now.

The game began, saving Murphy from continuing to obsess over his heartbreak. Unfortunately, Lev hadn't been fucking with him. He wasn't playing. His skates were on the ice, but he wasn't trying at all. After Lev's fourth bullshit miss, Murphy called a timeout.

He waved Lev to the wall.

Lev looked proud of himself.

That detail pissed Murphy off even more. He lowered his voice to a growl for only Lev to hear. "So ripping my heart out wasn't enough for you, huh? Now you need to ruin my career, so I have nothing left."

Lev's expression changed. "Murphy, I—"

"I don't want to hear it. You can be an ass on the bench. Sit down."

Murphy paced and ground his back teeth to a pulp as he replaced Lev. His eye twitched. Inside, he seethed. Everything about his life was a fucking mess. He would look for a job with a new team, but Lev was doing his best to destroy that option. He couldn't fucking believe it. Murphy had given up a job he loved. One he had taken all the way to the Paralympics. People might not have known his name, but he had earned respect in his field. Now, thanks to his dick and stupid heart, he would go out as an embarrassment. Rage completely owned him.

Ten minutes of game time passed with no score. The team was still good without Lev, but they were amazing with him. He could practically hear the grumbling from the crowd about him benching their star player.

As if manifesting the complaints to life, Rider's assistant, Ben, appeared from nowhere. He leaned in, ensuring Murphy didn't miss a word. "Rider says he doesn't give a fuck about your personal issues. He paid millions for Lev. Put him on the ice now. When intermission hits, he'll be waiting in your office."

Murphy gave a sharp nod, but he felt his jaw pop from biting back all the words. He motioned for Lev to get out there without looking his way.

Lev paused half over the wall and spoke close to his ear. "I would never hurt your career. I love you too much."

He hit the ice at top speed in an instant. In less than a minute, they were up by one. Murphy rubbed his chest. Lev's words rang in his head, as well as Ben's. It was obvious Rider knew about his relationship with Lev. Lev had claimed to love him. Everything felt like a bigger mess by the second. Rider obviously intended to ream his ass out, and Lev seemed intent on leveling him. He didn't understand how things had come to this.

When the buzzer sounded for intermission, he didn't waste time. He beat the team to the locker room and headed straight for his office. His assistant could deal with hyping up the team between periods. As promised, Rider waited for him. He looked livid. His cold blue eyes cut through Murphy and flashed with rage.

"What the fuck were you doing out there? I know I specifically told you that I don't give a fuck what you do outside this arena as long as it doesn't interfere with what happens on the ice."

Murphy tried keeping his calm. "Lev was purposely not giving his all. He needed a reminder he isn't special. I'll bench him just like I will any other player."

Rider's shoulders relaxed. Some fire left his eyes. "I'm taking a chance on you, Murphy. It's my job to keep this organization making money. Lev cost us more than any other player. I know he's worth it, but he only signed a limited and heavily weighed down with conditions contract with us. He could still choose Phoenix, and they'd be glad to have him. Fuck, I wouldn't blame Lev if he went. They outbid us by several million."

Murphy froze. "What?"

Rider nodded. "He's choosing to be here. If we don't play him, he can choose to leave. I risked everything on this deal. So whatever you two have going, keep it off the ice. Both our jobs depend on it."

Murphy nodded. His shock was thick. "Okay. I hear you." He couldn't stop reeling. Lev had taken less money. Why? He had told Murphy the Chuckers had outbid Phoenix, but they hadn't. He had to know why. They had to talk.

It seemed like no matter what decision Lev made; it was the wrong one. He had already hurt Murphy, then he had obviously gotten him in trouble. Murphy had been sequestered in his office with Rider for all of intermission. He had emerged subdued. Lev couldn't stop rubbing his chest, trying to massage away the pains that kept coming in waves. He didn't know why he was such a fuck up off the ice. It was like he didn't know how to do anything but play games.

Lev made sure he won this one for Murphy. He couldn't let Murphy down again. Afterward, as if they were still a couple, Lev lingered until he was the last person in the locker room. He had high hopes Murphy would talk to him. The guy hadn't left yet. He could have run before Lev made it back into street clothes. Instead, he still sat in his office, staring into space.

Lev stole a moment to simply stare at Murphy. God, he was perfect. Everything about him was a living fantasy in Lev's eyes. Maybe he was just some guy to anyone else, but Lev remembered. He remembered the moment he first saw Murphy at sixteen. He had been on the ice and turned his head. Murphy had been watching him play. He looked proud. The whistle had blown, and they had skated as a group toward the box. Murphy had smiled and met his stare. He said, "You looked amazing out there. I'll be watching you on TV someday. Your parents must be proud." Obviously, Murphy didn't recall that moment. It had obviously been just another coaching moment for him. Lev had thought about it more times than he could count. It was the first time anyone had genuinely looked proud of him. He had never had that before.

"Do you know how I came to the U.S.?"

Murphy's gaze shot Lev's way. It was obvious he hadn't known Lev had been standing there. "No. I guess I heard something about you renouncing your citizenship due to your sexuality. You've mentioned you were an orphan. I guess there's a lot we never talked about."

Lev shrugged. "I purposely never let the conversation stray that way for long, and that's the story I've let everyone believe. Sometimes the truth is uglier." He swallowed. Lev loved Murphy so much, it choked him. He wished he knew how to show it. "In Russia, I was the orphan. Evangelicals came from America to, in their words, save us. I was adopted. But I'm what's considered a failed adoption. They left me on the doorstep of a church." Lev swallowed. He still remembered that day like it was yesterday, despite his young age. "I was there for two days, starving and cold, soiling myself, before anyone noticed me waiting for help. I was seven." Lev never talked to anyone about those days. Even with Booker, he hadn't told him the truth until Booker stayed with him for the summer, mourning his breakup with Dash. It was a past that haunted him. One he wished he could forget.

Murphy didn't speak, but he also didn't look away.

Lev kept talking. "First, the adoption agency sent me back to Russia. Then I was rejected there too. They couldn't legally take me because I was technically an American due to the adoption. So I was shipped back to the U.S. No one wanted me here. I was too old. My English wasn't good. I had already failed one home. So, I ended up in a group home where I played the hockey on a charity's dime. No one has ever wanted me. Until you."

Lev stepped into the office. He closed the door behind him and sat across from Murphy. "When you said you love me, I didn't run for the reasons you said. You seemed so ashamed to be with me. I had an attack of panic over you abandoning me too."

"Panic attack."

A sad smile touched Lev's lips at Murphy correcting him. "Foster care doesn't care about the English lessons. They let me struggle." Lev took a breath. He just wanted to be with Murphy. Even now, when things weren't great. He felt better just being with him. "May I take you to dinner?"

"No."

Lev's heart fell. He supposed he deserved Murphy's rejection.

Murphy stood. "I don't want to sit in a restaurant and guess at your thoughts." He circled the desk and held out his hand to Lev. "Let's go home instead. We have a lot to talk about."

The surge of hope that hit Lev had tears springing to his eyes. No one saw him. They saw the talent and fame that meant nothing at the end of the day. Yet they meant everything because he had never had anything else until Murphy. Murphy couldn't take his love away. He couldn't be thrown away again. His heart couldn't take it.

Lev stood and took Murphy's hand. It wasn't enough for Lev's heart. He couldn't stop. Lev snagged Murphy's waist. He crowded Murphy's space. Lev felt how intense he had become. It was out of his control.

"Tell me you love me again."

Murphy looked exasperated. "This doesn't feel like talking things out."

"We're talking. I want to hear the words."

Murphy huffed, but Lev saw how he fought a smile. "Why are you always so overwhelming?"

Lev's smile grew by the second. Things felt like they would be okay. "Tell me."

"I love you." Murphy's hands ran up Lev's chest. "You're fucking maddening, but I love you so goddamn much."

Emotion overwhelmed Lev. He took a shaky breath. "You're my whole heart. I love you so much. You don't have to worry I'll be dumb again. I swear it. I am so sorry for embarrassing you and disappointing you. You are everything to me. You deserve better."

Murphy's chest rose and fell. His gaze slid away. "You weren't totally wrong. I am having a harder time with this relationship than I expected. It's not that I'm embarrassed of us," Murphy rushed to add, "I'm definitely not that. I just…"

"Are under a massive amount of the pressure. I know," Lev said, hoping to be a rock Murphy could lean on. Not one that helped crush him. "This is a huge opportunity for you. One you didn't expect at the exact time I signed with the team."

"It's one I didn't expect ever," Murphy said, surprising him. "I was happy with sled. It never crossed my mind I could go higher. But I definitely didn't see you coming either and the combination of changes in my life and the eyes on me and the pressure. Fuck, baby. I just don't know how I'm supposed to act. When we're in public, I feel more on display and judged than I've ever been in my life. But not for one second have I been ashamed of loving you or being with you. If it came down to it, I'd rather have you than this job, but—right now—I have both. I'm not sure how to navigate that."

"Together," Lev said. He held Murphy's stare, hoping he saw the steadiness in him he hadn't shown before. "We face everything together. No matter what happens, you have me. No one has ever given me that, but I believe in you. I believe in us. We're strong together. Perfect."

A sweet smile touched Murphy's lips. "You don't see it, but you're mine now. If you pull any more bullshit on me now that I've seen your heart, you'll find out what insane looks like. Mine. Understood? If you ever threaten to see if someone else would like to go home with you like you did at that restaurant, you'll learn the meaning of humiliation. I'll stand on the table and tell everyone all the ways I've fucked you."

A laugh burst from Lev.

Murphy shook his head. "I'm not joking. You've never seen crazy like me before when it comes to what's mine."

Lev backed Murphy against the closed door. "I don't know. Sneaking from a camp to steal a kiss from a grown man was pretty insane. I regret nothing, by the way. The first time I saw you, I knew you were mine. You just weren't ready for this yet."

Murphy laughed. "I wasn't ready?"

Lev shook his head. "You needed to mature."

Murphy laughed harder. It was sexy. Lev had to taste it. He kissed the corner of Murphy's mouth. The air changed. "My intensity takes experience to handle." He kissed the other corner of Murphy's mouth. "You should know this by now." Lev grabbed Murphy's ass and hauled his hips forward so he could feel the way Lev hardened for him. "I never want anyone else." He bit Murphy's bottom lip, savoring its plumpness. Murphy let him in. Their kiss turned explosive in seconds. Lev couldn't get enough of the way Murphy kissed. He constantly caught Lev's bottom lip and sucked, mesmerizing him, and making him dream of what that mouth could do.

Despite the lust Murphy stirred in Lev, the love was even bigger. He slowed things down. Lev didn't want Murphy to think he was back for sex. He stroked Murphy's neck as he leaned away. Murphy looked turned on with his flushed cheeks and unfocused eyes. Lev wanted to savor the moment forever.

"Let's go home. I have plans for you."

Murphy nodded and blindly reached for the handle behind him. Lev smiled at the way he couldn't find it—like Lev had scattered his brain cells. Lev grabbed it for him and together they headed out, hand in hand. For the first time, Lev felt truly secure in their relationship. Now he needed to sit on Murphy's dick. There was no place else he wanted to be.