Chapter Six

Dreams of being the head coach of a pro league team and getting to be with Lev full time was all a hell of a lot harder to manage than Murphy ever dreamed. He stayed balanced on the edge of a knife. As much as he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs he had won Lev Medvedkov, he couldn't. Everything felt a mess. They spent all their time together. He thought surely people knew about them. But they didn't, and Murphy found himself working to keep it that way. The harder he worked to stay under the radar, the more he felt Lev's resentment grow. He couldn't explain it. They never talked about the undesirable direction their relationship was headed. The frustration simply lived between them like a tangible thing.

Lev stared at his menu, and Murphy stared at him. They had won another game and left the arena together. Now they sat at dinner like a married couple who worked together. Being with Lev was like breathing, except Murphy thought—maybe—he was actually drowning. Until this new career had landed at his feet, he hadn't realized how much he wanted it. But he also wanted Lev and didn't know if he could keep both. His mind had been a mess since he took over the team two months ago. Every spotlight was on him now. The pressure was crushing him. No one noticed.

"What is this?" Lev turned the menu Murphy's way and pointed at an item listed.

Murphy leaned closer to the menu. "Blazin' Romp. It's a jalape?o burger."

Lev still looked confused. "Why not call it that? That's dumb."

Murphy smiled at Lev's irritation. His dark thoughts cleared. Lev still struggled with the endless amount of American slang that was ever changing, which was fair. Urban Dictionary existed for a reason. In this case, it was just the restaurant trying to be clever, playing on their name.

"You two plotting ways to win that ship this year?"

Murphy's gaze shot the table across from them where the man shouted his question. It was a group of four men, smiling and looking half drunk.

Murphy forced a smile to his lips. He wasn't used to constantly getting recognized yet. "Always."

His gaze slid Lev's way.

Lev glowered at his menu.

Murphy's smile fell. "What's wrong?"

Lev's gorgeous green eyes focused on him. He shrugged and went back to staring at his menu.

Murphy's chest tightened. He gently slid the menu away, leaving Lev no choice but to look at him. "Seriously. What's wrong?"

Lev cast a quick glance toward the table of men. He lowered his voice. "Why do you always act as if we're not together?"

Murphy pretended to be confused. He didn't want to have this fight, especially in public. "We are together."

Lev rolled his eyes. "You can't even be honest."

"Do you want me to stand up in my chair and shout we're on a date?"

Lev took his menu back. It was obvious Murphy had hurt his feelings. Murphy didn't know how to fix it. There was a lot he didn't know. While Murphy had slept with more than his fair share of men, he hadn't been this deep with anyone. They were real. It was terrifying. While Lev seemed ready to damn the consequences, Murphy wasn't in as good of a position. People would love Lev and cheer for him no matter what. Murphy was no one, really. Not yet. He didn't know if he could face the media storm their relationship would cause… or the fallout.

He tugged away Lev's menu again. He didn't know what to do or say, but it mattered how Lev felt. "I'm sorry. Tell me how to fix it."

Lev leaned his elbows on the table and held Murphy's stare. "Tell me how you feel about us."

Murphy smiled, buying time. "You said me again. You're getting better."

"I work on it for you. Now answer the question."

Murphy shrugged. "I don't know. You're always the most important thought in my head. I've never been like this with anyone else." Murphy's throat tightened. His heart raced. "I'm not like a poet or anything. Words have never been my thing. But I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else."

Lev's lips parted as if Murphy shocked him. Unfortunately, he quickly rallied and went back to looking determined. He set his hand face up on the table. "If you love me, then hold my hand. Be proud of being with me."

Murphy panicked. He couldn't breathe. It felt like every eye in the building was upon them.

Their server appeared. "Are you two ready to order?"

For a moment, silence hung in the air. Then Lev looked away. He handed his menu to the woman, waiting for their attention. "I've decided I'm not hungry. Thank you." He looked Murphy's way. "I think I'll go sit with these guys," he said, motioning toward the table across from them. "Maybe one of them would like to hold my hand. I think I'm through waiting for it here." Lev stood and grabbed a chair from a nearby empty table. He was all smiles as he joined the group of men, who looked thrilled to have him.

Murphy blinked, trying to decide what had just happened.

"I'll give you a few more minutes."

Murphy shook his head and tried for a bland smile. "No. Just the check." He wanted to run, but they had already had drinks. Murphy couldn't leave without paying. The woman walked away and Murphy tried not to look at Lev. He could hear the laughter coming from the table. Against his will, his eyes swung that way. A blond at the table eyed Lev like his next meal. Lev moved his chair closer to the guy. Jealousy and fury hit Murphy square in the chest. Not once had he denied being with Lev. Maybe he didn't know how to be whatever Lev needed, but he fucking loved Lev. They were always together. He always put Lev first. Lev hadn't once brought up any frustrations before now, even though Murphy knew they existed. He had barely given Murphy a moment to process before throwing them away… almost as if he had wanted out without being the bad guy.

Murphy's shoulders fell as he realized that was likely true. He had known better than to even start things with Lev. Murphy had known Lev was too young. Too famous. He had the world at his fingertips. Who was Murphy? Just some dumbass coach who had fallen for a dream. That was the real gist of it. Murphy had known Lev would get bored eventually and Murphy would have thrown away this dream career for nothing. Murphy was a teenaged dream to him. That was it. Murphy hadn't wanted the world to laugh when Lev left him in the dust. Lev was the best thing to ever happen to Murphy. It was bad enough he knew they weren't equal. But when the world saw an old man dumped by the hottest guy in hockey, that was a whole new level of humiliation. Just like he felt now, moments after confessing his love.

Murphy dug his wallet from his back pocket. He set a few bills on top of the table, making sure the waitress saw him. She dipped her chin. Murphy stood. He gathered his strength and moved to where Lev sat.

Murphy didn't spare a glance for the other men. He squeezed Lev's shoulders as he bent to press his lips to Lev's ear. "I love you. I'm sorry that wasn't enough." He squeezed Lev's shoulders one more time and walked away. Lev had driven them there. Luckily, they were in the heart of New Orleans, where cabs sat on every corner. He didn't have to wait to book a ride. Murphy just wanted to go home to wallow. His heart hurt too badly to do anything else.

Lev drank more than he should. He ended up leaving his SUV at the restaurant and grabbing a cab. His mind wouldn't stop racing. He was enraged and just seething inside. Unfortunately, all the anger was directed at himself. He had always had a bad temper. Too late, he realized he had overreacted. Murphy had given him exactly what he wanted. He had told Lev he loved him. Instead of saying the words back and celebrating that huge win, he had crashed and burned everything to the ground.

"I change my mind. Can you take me to a different address instead?"

"Sure thing."

Lev needed to talk to someone levelheaded. He couldn't go home with his thoughts. Even when he looked closely at those final moments with Murphy, he couldn't figure out what happened. Except Murphy hadn't immediately taken his hand. It was like he was sixteen all over again and seeing Murphy's look of horror and disgust as he had back then. They never talked about that night, but Lev recalled every detail. When Murphy had stepped outside from that club and looked right at Lev, Lev thought Murphy recognized him. He thought he wasn't the only one who had fantasized. It crushed him to realize Murphy had never truly noticed him before that moment. As an adult, Lev realized he had been wrong for seeking out Murphy that night. He was glad now Murphy had been horrified. Murphy wasn't that guy. Back then, he hadn't seen a problem with them being together. Now he recognized exactly how problematic the entire situation had been.

Things were different now. They were both adults. But Lev hadn't felt like an adult when Murphy hadn't taken his hand. He was confused and hurt. Lev needed someone to read his mind and fix it because he couldn't think. Thankfully, the lights were still on at Booker's place. He needed his friend.

After tipping the driver, Lev stumbled to the door and rang the doorbell. Too late, he realized he should have at least texted Booker first. The door swung open. Booker smiled as if it wasn't nearly one in the morning.

"Hey. This is a surprise."

Lev took a breath. Booker's kind brown eyes broke Lev. He took a shaky breath. "I need help."

Booker immediately waved him inside. "Get in here. Tell me what's happened."

Lev took a quick glance of the room. All the furniture was widely spaced, making the room wheelchair accessible. Booker's husband met his stare. Lev didn't know what Dash saw in his expression, but he turned off the TV and transferred to his wheelchair.

"I'll head to bed and let you two talk."

Lev managed a weak smile. "Thank you."

Dash nodded. "Of course."

He paused on his way down the hall to grab a goodnight kiss from Booker. Lev filled the spot where Dash had been. The moment they were alone, Booker sat next to him on the couch.

He turned sideways and drew his knees up, giving Lev his full attention. "What happened between Murphy and you?"

Lev tried hiding his shock. "How do you know about Murphy and me?"

Booker laughed. "You've had the biggest fucking crush on him since we were sixteen. Then you switch teams and move across the country the same year he gets the head coaching position. Plus, I've seen you two holding hands while leaving the arena."

That final tidbit froze Lev's brain. His mind glitched. A rapid succession of memories fired to life. Murphy held his hand all the time. He had never once hidden them.

"I don't know what is wrong with me." Lev put his hands between his knees and squeezed, trying to stop them from shaking. "I just ruined us for no reason. One minute, we waited to eat. The next, I was saying all the words and couldn't stop. I told him he was ashamed. He looked so hurt and confused. I couldn't stop. He said he loved me and I said I was done. Why did I do this? He meant it. We were good. Maybe a little stressed lately, but good."

"Does he know about your parents?"

Lev shook his head. He didn't know what that had to do with anything, but he needed any thoughts on the matter he could get. "I didn't want him to think I have the daddy issue."

Booker visibly tried not to smile. "No. You don't have daddy issues. But you do have a hefty fear of abandonment, which is fair. I wasn't there tonight, so I don't know what all happened. My guess is you panicked at the idea of being so close to something real when everything real leaves you. Except for me, of course, but I'm unshakable. Basically, you realized he truly loves you and ran before he hurt you first."

Lev leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling. He had never been angrier with himself. Unfortunately, Booker's words rang too true. "I don't know how to fix this."

"Tell him you're sorry. Explain what happened. Promise to never do this again and keep that promise. Maybe get some therapy. Murphy is very much a man's man, but." Booker paused as if a thought hit. "Actually, maybe it wasn't all you."

Lev straightened. He needed to hear he hadn't completely lost his mind. Something weird had been going on between them lately. "What do you mean?"

Booker looked thoughtful, as if he turned inward. "I just realized I've never seen Murphy date anyone. Like I wasn't surprised to see you two together, but I think that was more because I knew you had a huge thing for him. But I don't think I ever thought Murphy was gay before that moment. I guess I never thought about him in a sexual light at all since he's always been more of a father figure to me. It occurs to me now that he might not actually be out to anyone." Booker focused on him. "Damn. He just got that head coaching position and you're on his team. Everything about this situation has to be stressful as hell. You've been out and famous for a while. Meanwhile, he has everything to lose. Maybe he wasn't as open in public with you as he was in private. It's very possible those things weren't only in your head."

Lev dropped his head onto the back of the couch again and went back to staring at the ceiling. He thought about when the change between them occurred. In the beginning, everything had been perfect. But after the season began, their relationship had gotten more strained by the day. Murphy hadn't treated him poorly. There had just been a strange undertone. Lev hadn't realized how much strain Murphy had been under. But now that Booker pointed it out, Murphy had developed a pinched look lately—like he tried to pretend nothing was wrong.

"Fuck."

Murphy had needed him more than ever. Instead of trying to find a way to help, Lev had become part of the problem.

Booker patted his arm. "My advice is the same. Apologize. Then you two can work this out together. If you genuinely love each other, that's all that matters. Everything else will fall into place."

Lev nodded, even though he wasn't as sure that was true. He felt horribly sober for someone who had spent the entire night drinking. Lev wished he could go to Murphy right then. He needed to work on his words first. Lev had a hard time speaking when he was upset.

"Can I stay here tonight?"

Booker smiled. "Of course. There's a spare bedroom down the hall. It's the third door on the left." He stood and gave Lev a tight hug. "Everything will be okay. You'll see. You didn't spend all these years chasing him to give up now."

That was true. The words truly settled into his chest. Damn right he hadn't. Since the first time Lev set eyes on Murphy, he had known Murphy belonged to him. Lev hadn't come this far to lose him now. He would stay here tonight and get his thoughts straight. Starting tomorrow, he would get back his man. They would figure out together how to ensure Murphy felt comfortable in his new role. They were a team. It was time they acted like one.