Chapter 25

TWENTY-FIVE

ZANE

Bears are big on leaving their mark—literally! When bears rub up against trees, they’re not just scratching an itch. By rubbing their backs, heads, and even paws against trunks and branches, they leave behind their scent, marking their territory and announcing, “This place is taken!” It’s like their own woodland billboard, letting other bears know who’s in the neighborhood.

—Bear Facts for Insomniacs, Episode 15

I hated not being able to touch Bear whenever I wanted to. We had a fourteen-hour flight ahead of us, and all I wanted was to curl up next to him and fall asleep against all that muscly warmth.

But when he asked if we could talk, enough adrenaline shot through my bloodstream to ensure sleep would be a long time coming.

“Okayyy.” I gestured to the pair of captain’s chairs closest to the bathroom because everyone else was sitting farther up toward the galley. “What’s up?”

The night had gone well, and I’d seen the look on his face when I’d come offstage. I knew he’d appreciated my song. He’d said it was amazing.

But the look on his face now was totally different. I clasped my hands in my lap to keep from reaching out to grab his hand.

Instead of speaking, he handed me his phone. On the screen was an Instagram post with a large news headline about a famous talk show host.

My stomach dropped. “Oh shit.” After reading the post, I clicked out of it to look for an article that might have more information. Instead, I found the world’s reactions.

It was like a blast from an oven. Hot rage spewed from comments sections and gossip sites, accusing the powerful and wealthy celebrity of taking advantage of someone who worked for her, someone who wouldn’t have been in a position to say no to her advances without losing his job.

My hands began to shake. I knew this wasn’t the same situation as ours, and I knew Bear’s feelings for me were genuine and not coerced. But I still needed to hear it from him.

“Ryan…”

“No,” he growled, narrowing his eyes at me. “Do not Ryan me. And do not for one minute think?—”

I reached out and clasped his forearm. “Okay,” I said softly. “Okay.”

He let out a breath and put his hand over mine for a brief moment, just long enough to squeeze it in reassurance. “I just don’t know what to do now.”

It was rare for my Bear to sound so uncertain. It made my chest squeeze with the need to protect him as fiercely as he protected me.

I scrambled to think of a fix. “What if we…” I dismissed several ideas without voicing them, options I knew Bear would never go for. Bu t there was another I knew he wouldn’t go for that still needed to be put out there. “What if you asked to be reassigned? What if we lie low for a little while and then start dating publicly after the new year, after it’s clear we’re no longer connected as bodyguard and principal?”

Bear looked at me like I was obtuse. “And who would protect you in the meantime?”

I nodded toward the front of the plane. “Lou. Boomer. Whoever else Violet wants to assign.”

He clenched his jaw. “Meanwhile, she assigns me to another principal, and I end up half a world away on some business trip while you have an active fucking target on your back? No way. No fucking way, Z.”

“Bear…”

“Don’t ask me to leave your protection detail, Zane. Not now. I can’t. I won’t.”

I yanked my arms inside my hoodie and pulled my legs up in the seat, anything to keep from climbing into his lap and curling into his chest. “Then what’s your plan?”

“My plan is to ask Violet whether we can proceed with some kind of legal action that allows for legal depositions or some way of asking our suspects questions under oath about their actions around you. If we can find and neutralize whoever’s making these threats, maybe I’d…”

I couldn’t help but grin at him. “You can’t say it, can you? You’d hate it if someone else was my close protection officer.”

He made a low grumbling noise under his breath.

I wrapped my arms around myself inside my shirt. “What if you…” I knew he would balk at this. “Hear me out, Bear. What if you quit? What if you traveled with me full-time as… not my close protection officer?”

“Well, one of the things that would happen is an eventual eviction from my apartment,” he said. “My truck is paid off, but I wouldn’t be able to keep it insured or gassed up for long. And then there’s the matter of setting aside money for retirement. I know the super-wealthy don’t have to think about these things, Zane, but the rest of us have to consider how our bills are going to get paid if we quit our jobs to spend all of our time with our boo-thang.”

I could tell he was saying it with a teasing tone and the hint of a grin, but I still felt stung.

“Don’t call me that,” I muttered. “And I obviously wouldn’t let any of those things happen. I’d?—”

There was no teasing left in his voice when he cut me off. “Don’t say it. Do not even think it.”

I turned away and looked out the window into the pitch-black night. After a while, I felt him get up and move away. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, if only to escape the stress involved in trying to solve this dilemma.

A few minutes later, I felt the familiar weight of my travel blanket settle over me. Bear’s signature scent wafted through the air with it, and I opened my eyes to meet his. They were filled with love and affection, care and comfort, and I suddenly realized maybe this blanket could give us some cover.

The lights were low in the plane, and several people had leaned their chairs all the way back to sleep. The flight attendant would have easily offered to convert these back two chairs into a bed for me, but there was no way I was going to take a bed while everyone else sat around me in chairs.

I nodded for Bear to take the seat next to me again, and then I poked my arms back through my sleeves and reached for his hand, tossing the corner of the blanket between us to hide our twined fingers.

His voice was low when he spoke, even though the loud noise of the plane would have covered it at regular volume. “I can’t take your money, Z. Not when we’ve only been together for five minutes. You have to understand that.”

“We’ve been together longer than that,” I said defiantly. “You’ve been my person for months, even though I didn’t say it out loud. ”

His thumb ran across the back of my hand. “I understand. And I feel the same. But you know what I mean.”

I nodded. He was right. I couldn’t expect him to quit his job and become a professional boyfriend, even though that’s all I wanted.

“We’ll figure it out, Z,” he said softly. “I promise. But not right now. Get some sleep.”

I drifted off with the feel of my hand surrounded by his and the echoes of tonight’s music in my head.

The rest of the flight was uneventful. I slept on and off for several hours until the flight attendant began brewing fresh coffee, and the scent was irresistible. I wasn’t sure Bear had slept at all.

We moved up front to join Lou, Boomer, and the other support staff traveling with us as breakfast was served. After we ate, Bear jumped on his laptop and began going over more surveillance information from the concert and emails from Violet and the rest of the team.

After Amsterdam, Bear and I had examined the hidden emails together to see if there was anything in them that meant anything to me, but there hadn’t been.

The only people in my circles who would know or use Latin were my college friends. Certainly no one back home would have used that kind of language, and it would have surprised me if many of my LA contacts would use that kind of language unless they were deliberately being dramatic.

I felt like we were at a dead end.

There was an email from Bodhi with more information about what he’d been trying to tell me before the Amsterdam show. A young woman named Keeva Temple played the mandolin better than anyone I’d ever heard—even Coot—and her voice was drugging like sweet, tipsy wine. I listened through my headphones as I clicked through her YouTube videos and saw all the supportive comments.

She was obviously queer in some way and had a few original songs about standing out while trying to fit in. Keeva was the kind of artist I dreamed about mentoring. She reminded me of myself when I was trying to figure out who I was as an artist in college. I let her voice carry me away as my brain noodled over my current situation.

I began to daydream about various scenarios while remembering something scratched above a urinal in the bar where I played my first gig. “ What’s the point of any of this? ”

I remembered grinning at the line because it had been so incongruous with my experience. There I’d been, finally getting hired to play music in front of a crowd, and it made me feel high as a kite. The point? The point was the thrill of it. The utter joy in doing something I loved. Of living my dream.

I remembered thinking of a million answers to that provoking question.

What’s the point of any of this?

Love. Joy. Helping others. Living a life of authenticity and happiness. Experiencing love and connection.

I looked over at Bear while Keeva Temple crooned in my ears about trying to find her place in the world, and I suddenly felt myself level up.

Zane Hendley was no longer a scared kid. I was no longer a questioning teen. And I was no longer a young adult unsure of my place in the world.

I knew exactly what the point was.

And I was determined to pursue it with everything I had.

When the plane finally touched down at Van Nuys Airport, I was surprised to see both Kenji and Micki waiting for us. Violet was there, too.

“Hey! What are you doing in LA?” I asked Kenji after giving him a hug. It felt good to see a familiar face that had nothing to do with my music career.

Micki spoke first. “The label’s called a meeting first thing this morning. I thought we could go over some things before we get there.”

I nodded but kept my eyes on Kenji. It made sense my manager was here, but why Kenji? He usually assisted me from his office in New York. “Is everyone okay?”

He nodded in his usual calm manner. “Fine. I figured you could use some help catching up after being gone so long, and there are some end-of-the-year financial decisions that we need to go over.”

He made it sound like it was nothing out of the ordinary, but I knew better. This smacked of the brotherhood’s meddling, but I waited until we got in the car before whispering, “Who sent you? Silas? Bash? It wouldn’t have been Dev.”

He gave me a dry look that spoke volumes. “Landry?” I hissed. “What the fuck?”

Bear stood outside the vehicle, speaking to Micki, Violet, and the rest of the security team while Kenji flicked his eyes to the ceiling. “He seemed to think you were getting in over your head. With feelings . You know how Landry feels about emotions. Doesn’t like ’em. Doesn’t know how to work ’em.”

“My feelings are just fine,” I snapped. “Yes, I have them. But I want them just the way they are. I don’t need help with my feelings.”

Kenji kept a straight face as usual. “Good. That doesn’t happen to be my area of expertise anyway. I’m here to help with actions and tasks. Setting goals and achieving them. Give me a result, and I can help you get it.”

It took a moment for the words to register, and then I gave him a Cheshire grin. “Excellent. That’s exactly what I need from you. I know the result I want, Kenji. But I need help getting it.”

He nodded and reached up to casually flick a shiny black strand of hair back into place. “I have some ideas.”

“You don’t know the result I want yet,” I pointed out.

He opened his mouth on a long-suffering inhale. “Please.”

I glanced over at Bear.

Kenji rolled his eyes and pulled out his tablet before handing it to me. “Step one, let’s make a decision on the property you’re purchasing in Majestic. Both of the places you looked at are still available. I’m just waiting for you to choose. ”

I looked down at the two spreads in Majestic. One was brand-new, modern, a little smaller but move-in ready, and wouldn’t require much caretaking while I was on the road. The other was closer to Dev and Silas but had ten times the acreage, with room to develop cross-country ski trails, orienteering routes, and an outdoor shooting range. It also bordered both the Shoshone National Forest and Yellowstone, where there were miles and acres of outdoor playgrounds. It would be a massive investment of time and money, building a house there and keeping up with all those acres.

I’d thought I’d known which way I was leaning—which property would fit best with the life I led so nothing would have to change and no one else would be inconvenienced.

Now, though, I knew which property was right for the life I wanted, for the future I wanted, for the man I wanted. And I was ready to grab it with both hands unapologetically.

“This one,” I said, tapping the image of the larger spread.

Kenji’s mouth tipped into a lopsided grin. “Knew it. The architect is already booked to meet with us tomorrow to start the plans.”

I grinned. I figured this was as close to Kenji giving my relationship his blessing as I was likely to get.

As I handed him back the tablet and he got to work tapping, I glanced out the window to see what was taking everyone else so long. Bear’s nostrils were flared, and his jaw was tight. Violet was speaking to him emphatically. Lou and Boomer nodded obediently… but Bear didn’t.

I started to get a bad feeling. Thankfully, Bear finally hopped in the SUV, taking the front passenger seat. “Let’s go.”

I waited for him to explain, but he didn’t.

Of the others, only Micki joined us, sliding in next to me and politely asking Kenji to move back to the third row.

“Lou and Boomer aren’t coming?” I asked Bear as Kenji slid his tablet into his bag and gathered his things.

“They’re headed home for a break. Miguel and Paul are in the second vehicle with Ed, and they’ll be taking over. ”

I had a million questions for him. “Did she tell you to go home, too?”

We both knew it was standard procedure for him to take a couple of days off after a long trip. Neither of us had mentioned it, but it had been a glaring elephant sitting between us on the plane.

Bear nodded once. “I… politely declined.”

I could see the edges of Kenji’s lips turn up as he passed me.

“And she was okay with that?” I asked.

“Dunno. Didn’t ask.”

I glanced at the back of Claudia’s head. She and Ed Hilton took turns driving me when I was home in LA. I enjoyed the heck out of gossiping with her about celebrities in town, but her penchant for gossip was the reason I didn’t dare say too much in front of her.

Bear must have known I was itching for more information because he added, “Miguel and Paul will take you home after the meeting at the label. I need to head home and get changed for my own meeting back at Violet’s office.”

I made a sound of acknowledgment like it was no big deal, but inside, it was a very big deal. Being back in LA with Bear’s coworkers made me realize that ours wasn’t the kind of relationship that could even exist secretly behind closed doors.

If he showed up at my house when he was off duty, everyone he worked with—including his boss—would know about it.

They would know if he stayed overnight.

They would know if he went into my bedroom with me.

They would know if I slipped and called him a nickname by accident.

I clamped my jaw tightly and vowed not to speak for fear of saying the wrong thing.

The nightmarish LA traffic made everything worse, dragging out the drive to the office in central LA longer than necessary. Thankfully, Micki filled the silence with chatter. She had updates on my recording schedule with Jude and the rest of the artists we’d gathered in a few days, feedback from the European shows, questions about whether I was willing to do the missed New York interviews virtually this coming week, updates to the final touches on the recording contract renewal I was due to sign soon, and finally information about what the label wanted to discuss so urgently that they’d called an impromptu meeting the minute I stepped off my flight.

“It’s no big deal,” Micki said with a little eye roll. “A tempest in a teapot. They’re changing some of their policies and wanted to go over them with you. It involves signing paperwork, which is why it needs to be done in person.”

I noticed Bear’s jaw clench.

“Paperwork? This isn’t the contract renewal, is it? Are my lawyers going to be present?”

“No, not the contract yet. This is their own internal policy stuff. They just need your agreement.” Micki glanced at her phone and swiped through a few messages she’d received while we’d been talking. “It’s my understanding the attorneys have already reviewed and approved everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ellis wants to discuss the renewal, too, but that’s not the point of the meeting, and we’re certainly not signing that today.”

I’d had a great experience with the label and had been happy with the contract negotiations. This time around, I was in the strongest negotiating position possible, and they’d acknowledged it by making a strong offer.

What’s the point of any of this?

That question continued to rattle around in my head as we pulled up to the building that housed the record label’s corporate offices. Miguel and Paul were already waiting to open the door of our vehicle, and Bear hopped out quickly to join them.

Heads turned as people realized there was someone of interest getting out of a vehicle. Before I could curse myself for forgetting to throw on a ball cap, one was plunked on my head by someone behind me, and my protective scrum hustled me through the crowd and into the lobby of the building.

We made our way up to the tenth floor, where we were quickly welcomed into a luxurious conference room overlooking downtown Los Angeles and offered refreshments. I declined, but Kenji took a small plate of food, and Micki accepted a cup of coffee.

Within moments, three executives entered the room and greeted me warmly. I’d been working with the same team for several years now, so it didn’t take long before we were discussing how they’d spent their Thanksgiving vacations a couple of weeks earlier.

“I’ve lost track of time,” I admitted with a laugh. “I usually hate missing Thanksgiving back home, but this year, I hardly realized it was happening. It’s been a whirlwind. I have to admit to being happy I’m off the road for a bit. I could use some downtime.”

Ellis Alberda gestured for me to take a seat. Everyone else filled in around me while Bear remained standing somewhere behind me. I hated not being able to see him, but it was nice to know he was there in the room. I could just make out his reflection in the window glass, enough to know he stood with his hands clasped casually in front of himself.

“Thanks for coming in, Zee,” Ellis began. He flicked his eyes over my shoulder. “Your personal security isn’t needed in the room, if you wouldn’t mind having him wait outside.”

Bear didn’t move.

Micki shifted next to me. “Actually, Ellis, the current security protocol necessitates Zee’s security team be in the room with him when in company. As we’ve discussed, there’s an active security situation right now. I don’t think it’s a good idea to send Ryan out of the room.”

She was right. There were at least three faces in here I didn’t recognize, two assistants and an attorney. There was no way Bear would agree to leave me without a fight.

I was beginning to understand why he’d insisted on being the one to come here today.

“Understood,” Ellis said easily. “I just thought it might be awkward for Zee, considering we’re discussing his personal security.”

I noticed every time Ellis didn’t treat Bear like an actual human being in the room, and it set my teeth on edge. I didn’t even think he realized he was doing it.

“What’s the issue?” I asked, feeling the same nerves return from earlier.

“In light of recent news related to a high-profile celebrity and her close protection officer, we’ve taken the opportunity to reassess our policies in regard to securing high-value clients. The company has drafted new conduct agreements as part of this reassessment, and we need all of our clients to sign them for our records.”

Suddenly, the purpose of the meeting became crystal clear. I must have had my head in the clouds all morning.

I tried not to jump to conclusions or panic. Instead, I took a slow, silent breath. “What is the revised policy, exactly?”

Ellis slid the paperwork toward me. “It’s a standard no-fraternization policy between close protection officers and their principals. The purpose should be obvious. We want to make sure both sides are equally protected from the unfortunate situation others have found themselves in. If you wouldn’t mind signing these three copies, we’ll let you take one with you for your records.”

I glanced at the window, catching Bear’s reflection. His hands were no longer clasped in the middle. Instead, they were fisted by his sides.

This wasn’t good.

“Don’t worry,” Ellis said. “All of the security companies we contract with will be required to sign the same policy agreement.”

One of the attorneys passed down a pen while Ellis continued speaking. “But while you’re here, I wanted to set up a time for our final contract signing. I mentioned to Micki that…”

His words drifted away as I looked down at the No Fraternization Agreement in front of me. Blood began to roar in my ears, and my palms began to sweat. If I refused to sign this today in a room full of people, they’d immediately suspect something was going on between Ryan Galloway and me.

I had no right to put Bear in that situation, regardless of my own feelings. But on the other hand, there was no way I could sign a paper saying I promised not to fraternize with him.

I wanted desperately to fraternize with him. In fact, I wanted him to fraternize me from behind as soon as I got home.

Micki leaned in and whispered, “The attorneys confirmed it’s okay to sign.”

I picked up the pen and unscrewed it, trying to buy some time. The cap jumped out of my hands and skittered across the table.

Kenji made a big production out of clearing his throat. His long fingers moved up to wrap around his slender neck as he did the worst acting job LA had ever seen.

“Excuse me. I’m allergic to fish . By any chance, was there salmon in the breakfast casserole?”