Chapter 24

TWENTY-FOUR

RYAN

Every bear has a den, a sanctuary hidden deep in the wilderness where it feels safe. A den isn’t just a shelter. It’s a home. A place filled with memories. A place where it feels safe. The sanctuary defends the bear… and the bear defends his sanctuary just as fiercely, with every ounce of its considerable strength. For a bear, home is sacred, and nothing crosses that line unchallenged!

—Bear Facts for Insomniacs, Episode 87

It was eye-opening to see Derek Marian demonstrably in love with his celebrity husband. I’d spent so long in the closet in Ventdestine I hadn’t been around openly gay couples much.

Honestly, I couldn’t stop staring at them. Watching them be physically affectionate made me want to be able to do that with Zane. I wanted to be able to touch him when I wanted, press a kiss to the side of his face without worrying who would see, and express my concerns for his security as a loving partner, not a hired gun .

As Jude came off the stage, I stepped closer to the tape marking the edge of the wings and the beginning of the visible wing area.

I loved watching Zane like this. Even though I was still nervous as hell about him being exposed, at risk, I was secretly glad to be able to watch him in his element.

“Here’s a little-known fact about me, but don’t tell anyone, okay? It’s our little secret.”

The crowd went wild, screaming and cheering. Being the first to learn something new about Zee Barlo was an unexpected treat.

“When I come offstage after a show, it takes a while for me to calm down. So a little while back, I started listening to this podcast called Bear Facts for Insomniacs , and it’s a miracle at putting people to sleep. I’d apologize to the podcasters, but it’s actually the point of the podcast. Anyway, if you’re at all like me, you might wanna give it a try. See if a bear changes your life like it did mine. In fact, I have a new song about a bear. It’s called ‘Sanctuary.’”

He turned toward me and locked eyes. My heart hammered.

I love you.

I wanted to mouth the words, make sure he knew he was loved in that exact moment, but I couldn’t risk getting caught.

Instead, I sent out the love I had for him and hoped he felt even a fraction of it.

When he turned back to the audience, he began to sing. I immediately recognized the light, playful tune he’d been humming for weeks, ever since Barlo.

I have a secret that no one knows.

When the world feels heavy, there’s a place I go,

Where the salmon runs free and the honey flows,

When the weight’s hard to carry, and the road is long,

When old voices scream loudly, and I yearn to belong .

It’s a crack in a mountain you can’t see from the road,

Deep in the trees and fully covered with snow,

But if you look really close, you can just make out

Twin arrows pointing north, leading straight to the den.

When the night is long and lonely and the stars don’t shine,

When new faces get too close, your honeyed words are like wine.

It’s a crack in a mountain you can’t see from the road,

A den filled with warmth, a cozy seat by the fire.

Hidden away from the world, no one knows where I go.

Quiet time with the bear, time away from the show.

When the world becomes too much and I need an escape,

When my heart gets cracked in two, or I get into a scrape.

I run to the mountain, and I step off the road,

Look for signs of the grizzly, and I listen for growls.

He always knows I’m coming, knows I can’t stay away.

It’s a den in a mountain, it’s the bear at its heart.

When the world feels heavy, there’s a place I go,

Where the salmon runs free and the honey flows.

And no one knows…

I’m at home with the bear.

His eyes danced as he plucked the tune out of the strings on his guitar and grinned into the microphone. He didn’t dare turn to look at me, but I felt the same love I had for him coming back to me.

The meaning of the lyrics overwhelmed me.

I was his safe place. His sanctuary. There was no greater gift than hearing that he found peace and comfort with me.

The crowd roared as he thanked them and began to introduce the next artist. When he came off the stage, I wanted to grab him and squeeze him tight. Thank him. Kiss him. Tell the world that it was me. I was the bear who kept him warm at night.

But I didn’t do any of those things. Instead, I waited for him to approach, and then I said in a low voice, “That was amazing.”

He met my eyes and smiled, seemingly unperturbed at the strictures keeping us from being our authentic selves. The irony of not being able to express my love for this man at an LGBTQIA+ event wasn’t lost on me.

I caught Jude Marian shooting me a look of extreme understanding and empathy.

He knew.

And, hell. Maybe you didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that I was in love with my principal. I probably wasn’t very good at hiding the way I felt about him.

Jude pulled Zane aside to congratulate him and talk about how his song had brought back memories of hearing Lyle Lovett play a bear song many years ago.

I took the opportunity to do a visual sweep of the area in preparation for the most challenging portion of the evening. The security protocols had done a good job so far of restricting the other performers to the far wing, but during the final farewell, all of the performers would be onstage at the same time, taking final bows and waving to the crowd.

There were rules against touching Zane, but I wasn’t sure everyone would take them seriously.

“It’s harder when you love them, isn’t it? ”

It took me a minute to register Derek’s words, but then I blew out a breath. “Fuck. Is it that obvious?”

He let out a low chuckle. “Let’s just say now I can see how easily people saw through me and Jude back then.”

“How… how do we…” I tried to figure out how to ask what I wanted to ask.

He shrugged. “You just tell the world you’re a thing. You let the chips fall.”

I couldn’t imagine that. There were way too many chips, and I felt like Zane would be the one to bear the brunt of the impact.

Derek continued. “It’s not the end of the world. Sure, it’ll make a splash, but shit like that comes out all the time and gets taken over by another salacious story soon enough. Hell, our daughter was just telling us earlier today about a rumor going around that some tennis player turned talk show host is dating her bodyguard. It’s not like you invented falling for someone you work with, Ryan. It happens.”

I continued to ruminate on his words as all of the night’s performers went back onstage to thank the crowd, toss out T-shirts and other signed merch to the VIPs in the close rows, and then jog offstage. Finally, we were done.

“Thanks for everything,” I said to Derek as we exchanged our goodbyes.

He nodded. “Don’t be a stranger, okay? And if you ever need anything…”

“I appreciate it,” I said, meaning it. I hadn’t made many friends since moving back to the States, but I got the feeling Derek would be a good one to have.

Zane and I couldn’t do more than exchange a secret smile as we made our way directly to the exit and into a waiting SUV with Lou right behind us. A prearranged escort helped us cut through the crowded streets toward the airport. Within an hour of leaving the backstage area at the arena, we were in the air… and heading home.

I couldn’t fucking wait for the two of us to be in the relative safety of Zane’s Santa Monica house, where we could hopefully have some privacy.

Unfortunately, we were on a chartered jet instead of Zane’s own plane, and there was no private bedroom to sneak away to.

“I need to shower and change,” he said, unbuckling his seat belt and moving to grab his backpack with toiletries and a clean change of clothes. I stood silently and followed him back to the bathroom, waiting outside as he moved into the small space by himself.

“You okay?” he asked before closing the door.

I met his eyes, warm brown pools I wanted to lose myself in. I wasn’t okay. Not at all. I wanted to touch him, hold him, kiss his fucking face, and tell him over and over again how talented he was.

“I’m fine,” I said instead.

Zane’s eyes flared. “Fine?”

I clenched my jaw against the words that wanted to spill out. “Fine.”

He hesitated before nodding and closing the door between us. We both knew I couldn’t follow him into the bathroom as much as I might have wanted to. Instead, I sat down on the chair nearest the bathroom door and pulled out my phone.

There was a message from one of my brothers with an old photo of me taking second place in a youth biathlon competition. I held up the silver ribbon like it was an Olympic gold medal. Underneath was my attorney brother’s favorite joke.

I don’t understand biathlon…

I mean, how is it possible to have a rifle and still finish in second place?

I grinned and responded the way I always did when he sent this kind of message—by searching for the perfect meme making fun of defense attorneys from the OverheardCourthouse Instagram account.

Just as I heard the bathroom door click open, I caught a news alert in my Instagram feed.

Addison Canto sued by former bodyguard. Two-time Grand Slam tennis champion and host of Zero-Love talk show is accused of sexual harassment, fostering a hostile work environment, and other labor violations.

I stared at the headline graphic. This was the tennis star turned talk show host Derek had mentioned. This must’ve been what that his daughter had been talking about.

I clicked into the hashtags and saw hundreds of reposts and thousands of toxic comments. The ugliness was overwhelming, and it left me in no doubt about what people thought of celebrities hooking up with their security personnel.

My stomach churned with nausea. The salacious news would make it impossible for us to go public with our relationship, not only now but also in the future.

What the fuck were our options after this?

Zane stepped out of the bathroom and smiled up at me. His hair was damp and tangled, but his face was fresh and clean. His tattoos stood out on winter-pale skin. My heart lurched. I hated having to share this, but I’d promised I’d be honest. I’d promised I’d trust him to know what he could handle.

“All clear?” I asked. He knew what I meant. I’d tasked him with examining his bare body in the lavatory mirror to make sure there was no stamp. Even though I couldn’t think of a time when anyone had had that kind of access to him tonight, I still needed to be sure.

“Yes. There are mirrors everywhere in there, and I didn’t see any marks.”

“Good.” I took a breath. “Can we talk?”

I hadn’t meant to phrase it so ominously, but his smile dropped immediately.